Quesadillas. Red, white and light blue wristbands. Looking dang forward to 11/23/03 8pm.

"Guys don't really ever listen to you unless it involves them."

It rained for the first time tonight. =]

Enormous bites on my arm. Lovely gusty winds. Making a poster for work and having Karen do most of it.

Such a sore throat. A possible topic. Cornbread. A random surprise dinner. 49:18 into Zoolander. Winning my first game of Mario Cart. Running into 16 cars the first half-lap. Kwansoo and Andy ganging up on me. I think I hate wooden dowels. A reminder to be careful.

"Let's put on team attack."

15 seconds later...
"Wait, what was it we said we were going to do?"
"The ... level?"
"Dang, what was it?"
"Team attack."

Playing with Kwansoo. Long round sticks. Power Ranger man. Stingy, stupid, selfish dwarves. 303 vs. 220. One dollar. KFC and McDonald's. Chocolate chip cookies. Andy's obsession. Not number 1 at all.

"Aww, look at your boo-boo."

Go Shekki-faces. Being a dang good batgirl. The sunrise at 7pm over the Golden Gate Bridge. Baja Fresh. Green Tea Ice Cream. Go Tele-bears. Andy's Timbaland shirt. Royee's fall. An exciting game. Denny's. Having to be the silent one. Andy's homosexual and pedophilic tendencies. Sports. CM and AWANA kids.

Learning how patient our guys really are, and how much they put up with the female's idiosyncracies and quirks. Feeling so much more appreciative of their tactfulness and respect for the girl, despite how annoyed they might be, and seeing how they look for the good in the specific person.

EM Retreat 2003:

Friday:
Being shunned by Eugene and Andy for not being in a happy mood. Watching volleyball while I ran around picking up foliage to decorate Morgan and Hailey's sand-cakes. Watching Andy's little feminine kick whenever he hit the ball... watching Kwansoo jump onto Eugene's back to spike the ball... watching David Lim run into the net cuz it became too dark to see. Paul sweating while carrying my bag. Royee's rendition of the "If I Was a Butterfly" song. The Cluck-Yoo challenge. Fred and Dennis making fun of my eyes and my rubber mouth. =[ Mafia lightning round and Royee thinking he was angel. The men's restrooms and naked boys showering. Wishing nightmares, and not peaceful dreams.

Saturday:
A refreshing shower and a good morning. Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, Golden Grahams, Chocolate Mocha Cappucinos, and Crumb Cake. Singing my song. =D Morning sex talk. Debbie: "I hated my boobs!!" Alice's little card. Talking with Susan O and Amy Jun about what to say to those who've had sex and who are now struggling. Eric Chen's testimony. Saying that he was cute and Pastor Eugene overhearing me. The slide of playing water games and the girl drinking the water out of her cup. A group picture. Afternoon games. Planning with Julie about her boat trip. Q and A with Pastor Craven. Julie and her cherry tomatoes. Evening worship. Prayer requests. Bonfire. Singing praise. Freezing. Testimonies. Andy's upper lip looking like Elvis and his retarded dance. Talk with Andy about Craven. Royee scaring the crap out of me. Talk with Andy, Dennis, Peggy, Josei. Royee pimping on a billion yujahs. Reminiscing with Peggy and Kevin. Watching Nancy, Peggy, and Josei do pushups and exercise. A billion people playing Mafia. Daniel's letter to God about having a "grate" time. Watching some of the worst players ever, and continually checking Kwansoo as moderator. Watching Alex mess up the game and being impressed by Eileen's knack for knowing who Mafia is. Meeting a lot of new people. Losing my voice and sounding more manly than ever. Looking at the stars. Finding Cassiopeia for the second time by myself. Orion's belt and his rabbit, Perces, Pilades, the Milky Way, Cannis Major, and the Jahndee Bahndee star. Cassiopeia is Jahndee Bahndee's constellation. =] 23A and not 23B.

Sunday:
Nancy and me getting diarrhaea-ed on by stupid birds. Sunday worship. Offbeat clapping. Forcing Morgan to remember my name. Small group time. Andy and Kwansoo coming out of nowhere and helping me. Yummy yummy gourmet sandwiches for lunch. Peggy telling Daniel that he can't spell. Pictures galore. Mocking Kwansoo on his holiness. My new goal is to yell with a purpose. "Andy Chon! Andy Chon! Andy Chon!"

Andy waking up at 1:44. Malouf, not Malfoy. Chicken Tikki Masala at Naan N' Curry and 3 Naan's. Not hating for the rest of the month. Finding a husband with perfect teeth because cavities are genetics. Involuntary muscle clenching and tightening. Getting distracted and talking about Naan N' Curry and food. Mini M&Ms. Three different flavors of ice cream. You can use Q-tips to clean out your belly button lint. Where does the hole in your belly lead to? "My mind's somewhere north of here." In terms of everything.

Getting hit in the head twice. The most pitiful pelican, all torn and ripped. I am the biggest idiot. Never seeing so much blood squirt out of my body. A surprise bouquet of flowers. "Band-aids. Oh, for fun?" Being dwarves. Chocolate chip blueberry cheesecake cups... with a good consistency. Being nonexistent to Kwansoo. Intolerable Andy. Wanting to sock me in the chest. Being in the middle with Kwansoo and Andy whispering and mouthing to each other behind my back. Red bull is freaking nasty. I hate ugly spotted bananas. Andy is really good at being gay.

"When the world keeps spinning round
I'll run the other way
So time can stand still and watch
As I spend this moment with you forever."

-Meet With Me by Vineyard.

I cannot give testimonies. A long prayer. Amazingly, Kwansoo believes that I am difficult while he is not. Doughnut holes juicy with oil. Flipz and its saturated fat. Royee's picture.

This is going to be a very difficult week. =/

I forgot how much fun watching softball is. I've missed cheering loudly.

"Hello, Ms. Jayne." I love chill guys. =]

Getting the crap scared out of me, twice within a minute. And then a third time 3 minutes later. [Janet getting ?? three times on my bed].

A recap of the past couple of days: Ficb and Chris Son and Allen, a talk with Kwansoo, stupid meatballs, a flat tire, watching people play soccer and 4-square, Elise's fruit salad, Calling Out and talking with Roy about the message, The School of Rock.

Calling Out:
1000 vs 1.000. "And for those of who raised your hands, please talk to one of the good-looking or pretty people in the back." An awkward clapper. The lyrics to Captured by Aaron Benward. "I want to share this passage with you before we end tonight... That's it. The end. Goodnight!" The crop of the cream.

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Andy's drawings depicting today perfectly.


Needing to talk and having no one to talk to.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway.

Jerked out of the make-believe and left abandoned in reality.

Mr. Bush. Seven Jeans. Eggplant Crepes. Boys and girls. Hating the word "awkward." RA Steve is still so cute. Tuesdays with Julie! =]

"That's why I wish I was a grown up... cuz then I can buy all the candy and soda I want." -Amber.

"And when I have a mansion, I'm going to invite all the famous boy stars over... like Lil Bow Wow." -Mikkala.

Slowly, but surely.

Lunch with Caroline and Emily, my freshmen roomies. Exhausted and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A11951-2003Oct11.html

"Despite the contradictory facts, it is sometimes necessary to be naive and believe that the world is filled with good people."

Thanks Tehmi.

...

Lord,
Please. Pretty pretty please.
Thank you.

An oasis mirage shimmering amidst the scorching desert. White lilies everywhere. The Sea of Galilee. Two red roses. Heart-shaped fans. Allison's pantaloons. Family gossip. Garden Buffet. A second cousin who attends Berkeley. Pure happiness and love. Taylor on her purple belt and striving for the black belt in order to get her ears pierced. Take-out boxes. Delicious messed-up food. Gina ���'s billionth candied ���.

Contemplative thoughts. "Commercial-free, positive, encouraging K-Love."

Reliving summer '02 with Julie: "Heartless Tin-Woman," World Cup nights, Korean drama nights, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Ranch 99 Pho excursions, Long, long talks. Consensus that it was the best summer ever.

"College is the only time you have to find a boyfriend. It's now or never... Look at me, for example." -Auntie Tae.

Some things never change: "Ms. Poopsie Potty Tushie." An extended chat with Mona. Finding out how even more manly I was as a baby. High school had some damn good times. Reacquainting myself with The Boxcar Children.

It's nice to be in a bright and sunny room every once in a while.

Something I found written as a 7th grader in 1995 [ignore the grammatical errors]:

"Do not follow where the path leads. Rather go where there is no path and leave a trail.

For an example, on the topic of the battle of the devil, several people are sucked into the devil's temptations and evil doings. Yet there are many people who have turned around and have made their own choices.

Do not follow where the path leads. Basically, that means not to be lead by the devil and end up in hell. Rather go where there is no path and leave a trail. Turn around, declare that you have repented. Turn around and make your own trail, a trail that will be full of dangers and failures, but one that will wind its way up to a place, a place greater than anywhere else.

What is the devil's master trick? What is it that leads to all of those terrors in the world today? A lie. A simple lie is the devil's main trick. How can such a natural thing, be so dangerous to the world? Once you start, you can't stop. And one lie leads to another and another."

Amazing revelation: DennIS and JahndIS. =] Homemade chocolate chip and jelly cookies. A windy night. 4 pints with Piedmonters. Chicago. Purple toes.


"Kit-Kat?"
"Oh, no thanks."
"What? I thought you eat everything."
"=[ (sad face)"

A full moon. Welcome home store-bought dinner of ��= and ��κ�. White nectarines. An emptiness in the pit of my tummy.

Reception at home. =]

bCxaNgeL143: we'll blankly stare at each other
bCxaNgeL143: "what do u thin kjahndee?"
bCxaNgeL143: "i dunno"
bCxaNgeL143: "i dunno either"
bCxaNgeL143: "silence..."
Kpxgrlx012: shaddup
Kpxgrlx012: i know what to do
Kpxgrlx012: i am very self-efficient
bCxaNgeL143: jhandee: "ooooh oooh!! i have an idea! hurry before i lose it!"
bCxaNgeL143: sewon: "what what!!"
bCxaNgeL143: jhandee: "crap! i just lost it!"
bCxaNgeL143: sewon: "aish! crap! freakin gee jee beh!"
Kpxgrlx012: ahahahaahahahah
bCxaNgeL143: jahdee: "i'm not geejeebeh!"
bCxaNgeL143: the end
Kpxgrlx012: i hate you
bCxaNgeL143: u love meeeeeeeeeee
Kpxgrlx012: sorta
Kpxgrlx012: its a lukewarm kinda love
bCxaNgeL143: watever
bCxaNgeL143: it's burning passion
Kpxgrlx012: SICK

"You start the conversation."
"Ok. Hi."

Already forgetting and making everything so much worse.


"We ask God to forgive us for our evil thoughts and evil temper, but rarely, if ever, ask Him to forgive us for our sadness." -R. W. Dale.

Reconciliation. Heidi is a pretty princess. Damp shoulders. Unexpected In-n-Out excursion. "You guys look like aliens." Reliving three years of forgotten memories... good and bad.


It's already the 7th week.

Finally having Outlook Express... with 1051 emails to sort through.

Disgruntled Andrew Chon is an unattractive Andrew Chon. Blacked-out visible names. Indian accents. The BFG. Horrifying memories of Knott's Scary Farm. Open heart-to-hearts. Associations and Assumptions.


.:Things aren't always what they seem. Having faith:.

"Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
Might not get up again

So I lay at Your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to You

All of these things
Held up in vain
No reason or rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go

So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on to where I've never been before"
-Much Afraid by Jars of Clay.

Andrew Chon almost got me killed today. Instead of apologizing, he was glad that I was closer to the oncoming truck so that I'd buffer the impact of the hit. What a swell guy.


Corned beef. Fruit and creme Starbursts. "J is for Jayne is my favorite CA." Fenton's cookie dough ice cream[Thanks Amanda!]. Jars of Clay. 4th floor Moffit is made public. God in The Great Gatsby.

Not knowing what to do. Feeling hopelessly lost.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo Buscaglia.