i had a whatevers day today but things definitely picked up toward the end. =]

i was mortified today when my sister and i were being lazy bums and decided to drive to gpb for ficb. unfortunately i don't possess the mental capacity and deftness to parallel park. [i would like to add that i do know how to parallel park if it involves one car and i need to park either in front or back of it] anyways, after about ten minutes of trying to park while listening to my sister bark orders and make rude comments, i see sammy walking down the street towards us. this is what happened... my sister said hi, and then he said hi, paused, bent his body over 90 degrees, peered into the front passenger window, spotted me looking back at him in helpless embarassment, straightened his body out, threw his head back, and proceeded to burst into one of the most obnoxious laughters i have ever heard. psh. unfortunately i could not screech at him for his audacity to laugh at me because i needed him to park for me. too bad it took him all of like 15 seconds to park. too bad i looked like an idiot. and too bad mejeld, who's single purpose in life is to annoy the ddong out of me, happened to be across the street and happened to witness the whole thing. hooray, i say.

anyways, i think our class meeting went well tonight. it seemed like we finally got some serious talking done and the fact that so many people were able to voice their different opinions and were comfortable enough to do so made me happy.

i also finally got to spend some quality time with judy since what seems like forever. we ended up eating fat guy feasts at la burrita at midnight. she's a silly girl. this is her mentality: she knows that she can finish the whole thing, but she doesn't want to, so she basically dissects her burrito and ends up throwing away about 1/3 of it. my mentality: la burrita is freak nasty delicious anytime so enjoy it heartily and regret the consequences of waking up with a puffy face and bloated tummy the next morning.

ahh~ but here is the definite highlight of tonight. one of the nicest gestures i have ever seen from andy chon: the soundtrack from sweet home alabama. oh. and the nail file. =D thanks buddy. i'm glad i have such a cool friend who can get cool paraphernalia and is generous enough to share a lil bit of that coolness with me.

i've been having very terrible and disturbing dreams for the past few days. it's weird cuz i'm not prone to remember my dreams when i wake up but these past few nights, it's kinda creepy to know with how much recollection and clarity i'm able to remember them. maybe's its because they're about my friends... and that the things happening to them are so awful that i'm in a state of shock when i wake up and am forced to remember. like one dream i had involved this girl friend of mine and we got into this horrendous fight involving screaming at the top of our lungs and for me, the brink of cussing her out. i think back even now and the emotions that i felt in the dream i can still feel now... trying to hold back the rage and literally wanting to strangle her and hurt her. it's so intense. and yet another dream, where one brother murdered his brother and then killed himself. i can still remember finding the older brother's freshly stabbed body and i can still feel the warm blood on my hands. and i can still feel the shock and horror of finding the body and i can hear myself screaming when i touched the body. it's so realistic... i woke up from my second dream out of breath and with a dry mouth. so horrible... i can't figure it out at all. =/

i just took a most unsatisfying ddong. poop. =[

wow, today was the longest day... it's the first time i've been home since 11 this morning and it's almost 2 in the morning now. wow. i had 11-7 work, then proceeded to go straight to the airport to drop my dad off, then dropped off my sis at northgate for a review session, gorged myself with sewon, picked up my sis and her friends, dropped them off, then headed to dennys to study. *sigh*

anyways... my appa left today. =[ he was up here for the past couple days visiting me and my sister after a conference he had up in san jose. gosh~ my appa is so darn cute. it was really great getting to spend time with him and talking and laughing with him. i am really really sad that he left. *sigh* everything always seems better with a guy around. i felt safe and protected when he was here. i love how your family can make you feel like that, that despite all the burdensome crap going on, you return home to love and acceptance and all your worries seem to melt away and you can just soak up the love. my relationship with my dad definitely strengthened once i came to college. "so much of what we know of love is learnt at home" there's always been the fact that the korean culture is stoic in expressing emotions, especially among older generations, and when i was younger, i often struggled with that lack of expression of love. i remember i'd hear of families going on dates and trips together and i'd be amazed and would question and doubt the extent of my parents' love for me. repulsive, i know. luckily i've smartened up a bit and have grown to appreciate the simple things that my parents do to show their love. large extravagant things are always nice but the small thoughtful gestures are what are cherished closer to the heart. the daily quick phone calls, the random emails in Korean, the encouraging words... all incredibly touching indicators of the extent of my parents' love. but by far the greatest proof of their love is their tremendous encouragement in my spiritual walk. kevin came by one day and saw the "daily bread" on my desk, a daily devotional my dad sends me to do my qts with. and then i told kevin how i've been receiving them since freshmen year and in the beginning my parents would tape a lil note on the front reminding me to please read the daily bread everyday. kevin told me how cute that was and when he said that i was privately rebuked by this memory. i realize how often i take my parents for granted. it's amazing that my parents would provide me devotionals from which i can grow by. there are so many others i know who are struggling because members of their families aren't Christians. and here are my parents... both so strong in their faith and unabashedly showing their love for Christ to me, to encourage me to grow in Him.

i am truly blessed.

some more good things:
-roy befriending me again \O/
-seeing jean moon for the first time in three years
-watching my big fat greek wedding
-playing with peggy, nancy, and jiyun and having some good girl talk =]

some of the things i am so thankful for that have made me smile when i can't keep on going:
-a pack of wrigley's extra polar ice gum from josei cuz she knows wednesdays are my horrendously tiresome days
-a note scribbled on a napkin by my dongseng paul from this past friday when i felt like my world was crashing down around me
-a really good talk perched on the whale at lbl with sewon
-my appa coming to visit for a few days
-lucky charms
-cold water

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"The Lord foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." -Psalm 33:10-11

why is there such a need to belong? i don't understand. i feel like if that need is not satisfied... then i can cease to exist. why am i determining what i need? who am i to decide what i do or do not need? i feel like i am wandering around aimlessly, lost and dazed, until one day, i will finally hit something in the darkness out there and will feel grounded and secure again.

Dear God,
Please forgive me for living in a Disneyland.
Amen.

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." -The Velveteen Rabbit

i always love a good challenge... =D

jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:16 PM): do u still eat a lot?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:53:29 PM): yep
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:35 PM): yay good
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:36 PM): =D
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:11 PM): lolz
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:27 PM): jayne, my good woman, i'll eat and drink u under the table any day
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:27 PM): =]
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:54:49 PM): hahaha is that a challenge?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:55:02 PM): u bet your sweet ass it is
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:55:02 PM): hahaah
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:55:05 PM): ahahahaha it's on hun

i went to the groundbreaking of the new kcpc site today. it was incredible there. the view of the ocean is awesome. there was a picture of what the church is going to look like when it's completed. it looks like something out of a puritan colony situated in massachusetts cuz it was all white. i am excited to think that one day we'll be able to worship God in such a beautiful place. it is going to be amazing. =]

i went with sewon and kristy to the reprint mint, the poster store on dwight and telegraph. i love going into poster shops... looking at all the different artwork, and respectfully wishing that i also possessed the talent to portray my emotions through a vivid splash of colors or contorted shapes. it also makes me wish that i studied art more... to know about certain painters to better understand where they were coming from when they painted a particular painting and to learn to appreciate the painting for how it truly deserves to be appreciated. anyways, i bought a painting called "after the storm" by pierre doutreleau. i absolutely love it. the part that struck me is the sheer simplicity of the painting itself. it's a large painting with very few details and the majority of the painting is devoted to the sky. utter calmness... just as it always is after a storm subsides. it amazes me that someone can possibly capture such a feeling and transfer that feeling into a piece of art. i remember times when the rain would be crazy and it'd be pouring and pouring with the wind blowing and howling. and then, the morning after... everything is incredibly quiet, showing no traces of the previous night. i love waking up to those mornings... where it's still gray and the air is still damp and you hear the occasional drip drip from leaves and branches. it is so calming and soothing.

everyone always tells me how i revel in life's simplicities... "simple mind, simple pleasures." i can't help it though if i do happen to be struck by such things. i look at this world today, and i see how everything has become so detailed and complicated and my head hurts. maybe i lack in sufficient brain cells to comprehend such difficult matters, but i don't really mind. like my poster, for example. the fact that it is so simple is what appeals to me the most. i look at my life and sometimes hate how complicated it's become... so many mixed emotions and uncertainties. in a way, my life's like a storm right now, rocky and tempestuous, and i desperately want the storm abated so that the peace and calm can come. not that i'm saying that i hate my life so that the only way i can achieve peace is if i was dead; it's more this particular stage of my life that's stormy right now. * i just got reminded of when roy told me that he wished i died tomorrow so that i could go to heaven faster than him. =[ * in my english section earlier today, we went around talking about why we enrolled in the class [its a children's literature class] and then we discussed some of the books we read as a child. it was so interesting hearing everyone's different perspectives of what they were exposed to as a child. for me, i was saying how it amazes me that within two decades, the selection of books readily available to children has drastically changed. when i was growing up, i was hardly ever exposed to multi-cultural literature and it almost intimidates me how society has changed so that more of these controversial and multi-cultural issues are raised. not that im close-minded and don't want my children to be exposed to such literature, but it makes me really think about how time brings about so many changes. and thinking back to children's literature, i am again struck by its simple messages and honest, direct words. the messages generally touch upon so many fundamental tenets essential to someone's life and it fascinates me to realize how much literature has had an impact on my own life. i used the example of the giving tree, by shel silverstein, as a book that i remember when i was younger. the simple dialogue between the tree and the boy and the simple message of being unselfish appeals to me in a way that makes me wish i was a child again.

i say i like things simple and yet i've rambled on for quite a bit. =/ haha. i am such a paradox.
anyways~ come over and look at my poster. =]

one of jayne's pet peeves:
when inconsiderate, uncouth people open a new box of cereal [without asking first, mind you] and rip the plastic bag violently so that the defenseless bag is torn open. then, the nice, hungry one [ie. jayne] saunters along to the kitchen, utterly excited at the prospect of eating her *magically delicious* frosted whole grain oat cereal with marshmallows. as she innocently pours the frosted cereal and rainbow colored marshmallow chunks into her bowl... her pleasant reverie comes to a staggering halt as an unexpected avalanche of cereal tumultuously cascades down into the bowl, causing it to overflow and creating what looks like a diminutive mountain. =[

"Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are." -Machiavelli

how is it possible that someone can sum up so much of who i am into one succinct sentence?

i talked to a friend of mine the other day about a mutual friend we have and was talking about how i hadn't spoken with that mutual friend for a while. it just hit me recently that friendships are relationships that are maintained only if you work at them. i know that i'm stating the obvious, and i'm an idiot for stating something so blatantly apparent, but it's something that i struggle with and often take for granted. case in point: this buddy of mine. it took me a while to even get to know him, and when i did, i only regretted the fact that i didn't get to know him sooner. but now it seems that i'm going backwards, back to the past when the relationship was at that initial uncomfortable stage. i hate that feeling cuz it's so damn awkward and everything's so hesitant and forced and my instinctive response is to just avoid the whole situation. and that's what i realized my friendship with this person had degenerated to: from being quasi good friends to a position where it has become difficult for me to even look at him directly in the eyes. and while my friend assured me that i was a dummy and that wasn't the case... i couldn't help feel that way. i guess i still can't. and what sucks is that i know that the friendship has faded because of me, and i want to do something about it, but i'm too scared to do anything. so i just hold back and regret letting the friendship slip away. and what i'm left wondering is this: if i was already undeserving to be friends with this person, then what is possibly left to rebuild that friendship?