i talked to a friend of mine the other day about a mutual friend we have and was talking about how i hadn't spoken with that mutual friend for a while. it just hit me recently that friendships are relationships that are maintained only if you work at them. i know that i'm stating the obvious, and i'm an idiot for stating something so blatantly apparent, but it's something that i struggle with and often take for granted. case in point: this buddy of mine. it took me a while to even get to know him, and when i did, i only regretted the fact that i didn't get to know him sooner. but now it seems that i'm going backwards, back to the past when the relationship was at that initial uncomfortable stage. i hate that feeling cuz it's so damn awkward and everything's so hesitant and forced and my instinctive response is to just avoid the whole situation. and that's what i realized my friendship with this person had degenerated to: from being quasi good friends to a position where it has become difficult for me to even look at him directly in the eyes. and while my friend assured me that i was a dummy and that wasn't the case... i couldn't help feel that way. i guess i still can't. and what sucks is that i know that the friendship has faded because of me, and i want to do something about it, but i'm too scared to do anything. so i just hold back and regret letting the friendship slip away. and what i'm left wondering is this: if i was already undeserving to be friends with this person, then what is possibly left to rebuild that friendship?