yesterday was probably the weirdest day ever... *sigh* so much freakin drama and so many weird incidences all happening too quickly in a short span of time. it really made me sad. it's crazy to see/hear/witness drama and hurt in the world. even if it isn't directly inflicted upon you, it still hurts and stuns you when a loved one is involved. argh. i'm so sick of it. i don't get it. i really don't.

it amazes me to see how quickly time can pass by and a thing that i was once dedicated to seems to lose its significance. and i plod through life forgetting, until one day it suddenly hits me and i am reminded of a fervor i once possessed. needless to say, this blog of mine is an example of just this. *sigh*

so life has majorly been sucking for me these past ...days? ...weeks? i don't know. i've lost track. i suppose it's the constant emotional rollercoaster ride of life that i've been on. or maybe i suffer from bipolar disorder, which makes me switch from being high to low in a matter of minutes. unsurprisingly, i feel like crap. and i've been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. i guess it can seem like i'm wallowing in my own self-pity and maybe that could be one aspect, but right now, it's more of self-disgust and repulsion.

school's starting tomorrow and unlike the excitement i used to feel, it's one more of fear, dread, and apprehension. it's a sign showing the inevitable: i am going to be an upperclassman and with that, there comes certain liabilities. in so many different aspects this fact holds true. it's a sign to take responsibility and leadership for the underclassmen, it's a sign showing that time is running out, and it's a sign showing that one is growing up to face the real world. i feel like this past summer up here was extremely unproductive and wasteful. true, i worked and took two classes, but what i could have done in addition to that, was definately not enough. i wanted to do so much more, and maybe cuz i was being too selfish, i ended up with what feels like nothing. with a couple of exceptional cases, i don't think there was much good to this summer. i saw everyone at church today, and everyone looked so different with this refreshing air about them and excited looks in their eyes. and i just stood there observing, and enviously wishing for that same feeling. i've become indifferent to so many things. *wait... scratch that.* i struggle with emotions so much that the only way i deal with them is to become emotionless and stoic. and i think and i think and i get mad for thinking so much.

i have no idea what to expect this semester. but it's what pastor eugene said today... how only God is the one who remains true. i'm realizing this more and more daily... that everyone flakes, that everyone stumbles, and everyone is weak. everyone and everything will fail but God. what scares me to death is that despite knowing this and experiencing all this crap, it is still so difficult for me to place what i'm feeling towards God. "Turn to God and away from sin." i'm at the midpoint where im half-turned to both and i desperately don't know which way to turn. i place too many expectations on people and when they hurt or disappoint me, i fall. and i fall hard. and to recuperate, i become hardened and i put up my infamous wall that blocks everyone out and doesn't allow anyone to come through. the way i justify this is that people that hurt me are not deserving to know what goes on in my life. i mean... why should they? maybe it has to do with my stubborn pride, but i feel like if i don't get to hold onto this one defense mechanism of mine, to protect me from the big, bad world out there... then everything is lost and i really am nothing. yet i know that i should not do this, but i cannot help but do so. *correction* i am too stubborn to do so. "Turn to God and away from sin."

i went white water rafting this past weekend with small group... which i guess i can say has been the highlight of this summer. i had a pretty good time, especially for someone who has the physical competence of a ten year old and who despises the sun as much as she despises getting dirty. oh, and my closest encounter with death also made the experience quite memorable. haha. i don't think i'll ever forget being submerged completely underwater and being dragged down the rapid appropriately coined "the mother," all the while staring up at my right shoe, tangled in the raft, refusing to let me go free and float away safely.

needless to say, after that exciting event, the rest of the time spent rafting rather dragged and was almost tedious at times. however, there were parts along the river where we just floated along, letting the river's natural currents take our little raft of me and josei wherever it pleased, and that was quite nice. later josei and i were talking and we were both amazed that something so simple as a river could wield so much power over us. it made me realize how little of my life is actually controlled by me. in the large scope of things, we are so very insignificant and our existence can be obliterated if fitting. it was so easy to be swept away by the river's current... especially during the crazy mother. no matter how much josei or i struggled against the current, we were no match for the river's strength. *watch me now connect my thoughts* thinking back always puts things into perspective for me. our lives are already destined to run a certain way according to God's plan. basically, there's no use fighting Him cuz we don't control our lives and we abide by what He says. He is the current that carries us where He sees fit and our efforts to go against that are utterly futile. everything else will be fine if we just lie back and let God lead the way. it's essential to have that faith... just like even though i was simultaneously snorting up nasty river water and swallowing mad chunks of it and thought i was going to die, i also had faith that the lifeguard man would come and rescue me. which he did. so hooray for him. =] *moment of profound silence*

an account of the different things i've done that's taken forever to write about cuz im lazy:

a cote: a small, cozy restaurant i went to with judy and sewon sometime last week. entrees were served tapas style, meaning that portions were small and it was a given to order several different entrees to share amongst one's party. the food was relatively tasty, despite the minute portions and costly prices. after ordering four entrees and two slivers of cheese, the three of us concluded that we were quite content in our tummies: we weren't brimming with fullness, but it was just enough to be satisfied.

crepevine: delicious as always. i recommend the rockridge, which consists of strawberries and nutella and a generous scoop of vanilla bean ice cream on the side. sewon and judy both declared that the rockridge was very pleasing to their palettes as well.

great kahn: for those unfortunate enough to have not yet tried this exquisite mongolian bbq place... *sigh* i feel utterly sorry for you. the set price of 6.45 may at first be a little appalling, but for the amount you get, it is well worth the price. there are four types of meat to choose from: beef, chicken, lamb and pork, and you are able to pack in however much you want to eat inside a bowl. from there, you select from a wonderful array of veggies such as carrots, broccoli, onions, and mushrooms to add to your meat. then u choose how to flavor it, with sauces from mild to fiery hot sauces, oyster sauce, teriyaki sauce, and other msg-laden goodies. once chow-mein like noodles are piled high on top of all this craziness, you then proceed to walk to a separate line where the food is cooked on a large circular grill/pan sorta thingie by men walking around the grill with elongated chopsticks. shake on some sesame seeds, grab a bottle of sriracha sauce... and you're golden. =D

y tu mama tambien: [not affiliated with food at all, but i added it cuz it deserves as much merit as i am giving these restaurants] foreign film i watched with ylee and sayuri, my two ex-roomies. not a movie i'd recommend for people who can't even say the word sex w/out blushing or thinking that they have to go wash out their potty mouths with soap. bottom line: there's a whole lot of obscene sex scenes that even took me by surprise [ie the opening scene] and lots of other naughty vulgarities that may stun some people. however, by watching this film is not to say that i'm some sex-obsessed maniac all into pornographic films. there's an incredible underlying theme about friendship and truth that is extremely refreshing and simultaneously, somewhat disturbing and unsettling. needless to say, one needs to look beyond all the flashes of naked skin and sexual innuendos to grasp this concept, but once it is found, it is quite profound and it enables one to re-evaluate the meaning of friendship in a context different from what is typically expected. or~ if you're like ylee and take the film for its face value of sex, sex, and more sex... i'm sure you'd walk away from the film feeling a lil bit more physically moved rather than emotionally. *wink wink*