i met up with my old high school buddies, kim, tammie, and jennifer for lunch today. we ate at l&l in the south street plaza, a hawaiian restaurant similar to the loft. i think the loft has more variety, but the macroni salad at l&l is much tastier. for dessert, we ate at coldstone's. tammie and jennifer are both going to do law and they seem very hardcore about it. they were asking me all these questions about the lsat and what law school i wanted to go, but i couldn't answer them. i feel like we're growing up too quickly. i watched drumline with them too. it's a pretty good movie. i thought it was just like a black bring it on, but it's a bit more serious and and intense than bring it on. the drumming stuff in the movie is crazy awesome. black drummers are my new object of affections.

i just came back from secret santa at nancy's place. it was good seeing berkeley people. i forgot how fun berkeley people can be. =] paul was my secret santa and he gave me the dvd for monsters inc. i'm really excited and happy. this gives me an incentive to start saving up for a dvd player. but until then, taryn has graciously offered her player for temporary use. =] we also played scattergories forever. i can't believe how much time can be wasted trying to figure out stupid punishments. it's ridiculous.

sunday = play with church friends day today. =D after church jane, jeniffer, linda and i went to "go rae sum" on vermont for lunch. that place is so freakin good. anyways, while we were catching up, we ran into katherine, who is going to produce her own show on nbc. pretty dang impressive. anyways, afterwards we went back to church to wait for suzy, who had just come back from youth group retreat. and we ran into gina lee who was picking up her sisters. she looked good. there were about a million lil ones in the parking lot at church. they used five charter buses for this retreat. they haven't used that many since i was in 10th or 11th grade. it makes me happy that our youth group is seriously strengthening and growing. =] once we found suzy, who is smaller than most the kids, we all went to starbucks on larchmont and talked some more and had fun catching up. =D then my sis, jane and i went to the valley to play with hannah and elijah. we explored their huge, 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom house and then went to go watch a movie. their movie theatre is so stinkin popular that when we tried to watch a showing at 7-something, 13 of the 15 shows were sold out and we had to wait about 2 hours to watch chicago. to pass the time, we ate dinner at wolfgang puck's cafe. it's really good there. and chicago is a really good movie too. everyone can sing really well which surprised me in the good way. catherine zeta-jones is very powerful and vivacious in the movie. and taye digges is freakin hot. his voice is very sultry and smooth. yummy.

i went to my cousin's wedding today. she's the first one of my cousins on my dad's side to be married so everyone was making a big fuss over it. anyways, the ceremony was really simple and quick. the pastor messed up the lines so that my cousin had to say, "i gaena (gina), take tae, to be my lawfully wedded wife..." my cousin's freakin pretty. she has this elegant aura that shows how classy and bling blinging she is. for example, her engagement ring cost $55,000 and we had the yahk kon shik at the beverly hills country club. another example was her pasadena ritz carlton wedding reception. everyone got lobster and filet mignon. freakin nuts. but gaena looked gorgeous and her and tae look very happy together.

this was probably the only family function that my sis and i stayed for the entire time. and i had a surprisingly good time with the family. there was the traditional throwing of the flower bouquet and the garter and a nontraditional slideshow and cheesy white dj. the best part was afterwards when the dj played music and everyone started dancing on the dance floor. it was so fun watching all my aunties and uncles and cousins dancing. i realize that members of the kum lineage have not been blessed with the ability to maintain a rhythm while getting their groove thangs on. but what made the experience so heart-warming was that they kept dancing and working it regardless of the fact that they really can't dance. no shame, no shame. we may look like the biggest idiots out on the dance floor, but at least we're idiots having a freakin good time. =D

there was also this goooooooood looking guy named danny sitting at our table. omg. he was so freakin handsome. too bad he had a not so hot chick with him. *sigh* he was seriously one of the best looking specimens of the male population that i've ever seen. =] i've noticed that there's been a lot of yummy eye candy for me these days... i think God is either implying something or blessing me with such aesthetically pleasing beautiful things. =]

i just got back from an 8 hour shopping spree at south coast plaza. omg. it was freakin madness and chaos. never have i seen so many people nor such long lines. 8 HOURS STRAIGHT. christina, jennie, kristi and i wanted to kill people by the end of the day. or maybe it was just me. i hate crowded malls. i get freakin cranky and i start saying really mean comments. =/ anyways, i must rest up cuz i'm going back tomorrow.

i went to christmas service this morning with my family. after service, i ran into a lot of old friends and people that i haven't seen in months or years. it's interesting to see how people change. i suppose i've changed too. but anyways, it was great seeing my church buddies. we've all known each other for so many years now. i saw sam today too. i haven't seen him in like 4 years. but wow. seeing the girls and him brought back a flood of memories. good times, good times. =]

more and more fun for me. =]
yesterday, judy the booty drove from the valley to visit me and danny. she endured three hours of horrendous traffic for me. =D and albertacos. ahahaha. she's a true fat guy. =D we each ate a carne asada burrito and split carne asada fries. i love how much we love to eat. anyways, she arrived so late that she decided to spend the night at danny's to maximize her stay in our illustrious city. then judy, danny, brian, and me had brunch today at fantastic cafe. it's pretty good there. danny ate my sausages and bacon. and then julie kim joined us a lil later. it was fun bragging about our respective cities. haha. afterwards, i went to la to celebrate linda's birthday with linda, sharon, kristy, and jane kim at pf changs bistro. it's really yummy there. =] but the best part of it was when we gave linda her birthday present. sharon wrapped it so that linda had to unwrap a billion layers to get to her camera. her face expression was awesome. her jaw literally dropped. i love it when you give gifts and the person really loves the gift... completely with all their heart. witnessing that moment is a great feeling.

i'm really enjoying this winter break this year. i'm thinking it's cuz this semester was so crappy and i really needed a break. or maybe i'm making more of an effort to meet up with people and play with them. or maybe my mentality on various things is changing. regardless, i'm having lots of fun and i'm really loving spending time with friends and family. =]

merry christmas! God bless! =D

there was crazy traffic on the way to church today so my sister and i made it for the last 10 minutes of service, just in time to listen to the announcements. then a bunch of us went to eat lunch at the original thai bbq next to our church, which, in my opinion, is one of the best thai food places that i've eaten at. then most of us dispersed but hannah, jane, eli (such a manly man he is), and i went to the grove for shopping and more eating. after we hit up every store, we went to the public market adjacent to the grove and ate strawberry crepes. then we got tired so we left and went to toppers frozen yogurt to revive ourselves. i love hannah and eli. they are two of my most favorite people in the world. =D afterwards, while i was driving home, christina ahn called me and instead of going home, i ended up at tgif at cerritos towne center with christina and jennie lee, feasting on garlic breadsticks, philly cheesesteaks, and jack daniels chicken strips. and then we went to starbucks to get frapps and catch up. and while we were leaving, i ran into mike t, a boy who i haven't seen for over a year and someone who i have incredible fondness for. it was such a great day today despite some startling and slightly alarming news that i found out about. but there were lots of delicious food, lots of laughs, lots of good memories, and lots of happy moments. =D

i met the cutest guy today while shopping at macy's. i normally don't swoon over real life people but this guy was seriously cute and really nice. with nice eyes and nice teeth. definite plus. =D

i did some of my favorite things today:
-i watched a movie [lotr: the two towers... i simply ADORE legolas]
-i went grocery shopping for munchies
-i went to costco and wandered among the aisles
-i ate.
-i drove in the rain

*big grin* =D

i know, i know. "simple mind simple pleasures."

my cough has been getting worser and worser. meaning that the intensity and frequency of my coughing fits have been increasing, thus resulting in more headaches. ugh. i was so excited by the limitless quantities of food at home, i started greedily shoveling in as much as i could into my mouth. but then i choked cuz the epiglottis didn't close fast enough and all the food went into my trachea instead. at the same time, i started another coughing fit, so i ended up doubled over for about 45 seconds coughing my lungs [and what felt like every other organ in my body] out. and then i tasted the metallic bitterness of blood. so i spit into a napkin and saw blood intermixed with spit. that freaked me out. *sigh* i think God is punishing me for my extreme fat guyness, so i resolve to not eat as much anymore. or to at least take breaths of air between bites. i just pray this stupid cough goes away soon. =/

k. disregard that last post. i no longer despise myself although i do believe that i am the biggest fool. i think i allow myself to be duped by falsities and lies, believing that the world is a happy little place filled with happy little people. i guess that's my fault. which only proves that i AM the biggest fool cuz i deliberately and consciously hurt myself. *ironic chuckle* anyways, that was an aside... i have issues and it's not appropriate to showcase them for the public viewing pleasure. if you want to know, ask me, and let's talk. [look judy, i'm breaking free from the binding clutches of aim... hehe]

i'm home now. it's cold. i like it. earlier i was driving and i saw something that took my breath away. usually when you drive at night, all you see are the dark forms of the mountains silhouetted against the night sky. tonight however, right before i entered the grapevine, i noticed that the mountains had this illuminating glow, so that you could actually see the mountain and not just its form. the mountains were covered in snow... and the whiteness of it was reflected by the moonlight. and the mountains looked so close to me... so close that i reached out and tried to touch them. unfortunately i was prevented from doing so cuz of my stupid window. and as we drove through the grapevine, there was snow everywhere, even up to where the foot of the mountains and hills reached the side of the freeway. it was beautiful. i was awe-struck by those mountains. it made me feel really happy and peaceful.
[btw~ i apologize cuz i'm inarticulate at expressing myself so i'm not giving this the justice it deserves.]

what the FUCK is wrong with me?

if there's one person i despise, it's myself.

i must be the biggest damn fool.

well screw that. no more.

i'm really sad and a bit irked right now. *sigh* being constantly jerked around by emotions is definitely painful.

oh dear. i don't know what to do.

reasons why the rain is simply awesome:

-swimming while it's raining and letting the drops fall on your head.
-rain pouring outside, crazy winds, warm cozy blanket, and five pillows.
-sound of rain on your windowpanes.
-driving on an empty road, too close to the gutters, so an avalanche of water hits you and your car... that brief second of complete segregation from the rest of the outside world and you're alone underneath that wall of water.
-you, your car, the rain, deep, reflective moments. enough said.
-you, your car, the rain, a close friend, amazing heart to heart talks.
-walking in the rain with a huge golf sized umbrella... hearing the rain patter on your umbrella and seeing it drip down around you, yet not touching you.
-frolicking in the rain, splashing and jumping in puddles with beloved friends and not a single damn care in the world.
-being drenched to the point where it doesn't matter and you plunge yourself back into the pouring rain.
-rain on a sunny day.
-rain on a dark gloomy day with fierce winds.
-watching the rain fall with an upturned face... and closing your eyes and letting it wash over you.
-the ocean on a rainy day.
-waking up to the deafening sound of complete silence the day after a storm... such a sharp contrast from the raging night before.

wednesday 12/11: 5
thursday 12/12: 2.5
friday 12/13: 2

the rain is a definite pick-me-upper. i hope it rains hard all weekend.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the strength to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

there is this inexplicable sadness that i'm feeling right now. i'm so sad it hurts.
i'm so disappointed in myself... i wish i could just disappear and forget everything.

.:sigh:.

Send some rain. Would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not. Not today. Maybe You'll provide in other ways.
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain.

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need.

So grant us peace. Jesus, grant us peace.
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not. Not today. Peace might be another world away.
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace.

But Jesus, would You please...

"Gratitude" Nichole Nordeman

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed.
You watched my team win, and watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again.

And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero, come if You can
You said, I Am.

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10 pm?
You saw my mistakes and watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again

And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, be my best friend
And You said, I Am.

The winds of chance and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne.
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am. Yes, I Am.

"I Am" Nichole Nordeman

.:my deepest thanks to you:.

you know who are.

i'm at the library right now, with 120+ pages still left for my legal studies 155 final at 12:30 today. *sigh*

roach, jack ku, carroll, grace, and my sister are here also. everyone's tired and panicky.

i'm coughing really hard and my throat hurts *something explicitive* bad.

my secret santa hates me.

it's finally raining and i'm stuck listening to it and unable to enjoy it as i want to.

i am so freaking sad right now.

don't you hate that feeling in the pit of your tummy? =/
crap...

thanks roy chung for "what a wonderful world" by louis armstrong.
you seriously just made my stupid day LOTS better. =D

...

OMG. i take it back. this isn't the song i was talking about at all.
lsdkfjlsakdfslkdfjsldkfjsdf

damn it.

i was at work when i saw andy walk out of classroom a at unit 1. i was so suprised to see him there i squealed and this boy resident gave me this really odd look. anyways, i ended up talking to andy for the last hour of my shift. i felt bad talking to him cuz he's so screwed. i think he's even more screweder than me. which makes me sad. but i was also really happy that i got to talk to andy, singlehandedly the most popular boy at ficb, for the first time in forever. it was really cool cuz the usual swarms of grabby chicks scrambling for andy's undying love and attention were absent. ahahaha. just kidding... i think. =T

later, andy was swinging punches at me so i tried to throw my chest out like nancy did so that he might stop himself from socking my boob like he did to hers. but i was too slow. and so i got hit. i felt like such an idiot. =[

hang in there andy... you can do it! (_I_)
thanks for watching the esbn presentation all over again while listening to my wistful sighs and whimpers of sadness. *high-five*

monday 12/9: 1.5
tuesday 12/10: 2.5

k. i'm starting to feel that wretched burnt out feeling that creeps around every finals time and enjoys wreaking havoc in my life. damn. my phil final sucked a$$ today. it didn't go well at all and i have no one to blame but myself for not being disciplined enough to study last night. i also met with my gsi to discuss my 13 page paper for 45 minutes straight. what did i learn? hey hey now... my paper also sucks a$$ and i need to essentially redo the whole damned thing all over again. however, he was gracious enough to extend the due date to monday. it's ironic cuz initially he wanted me to turn it in before the deadline on friday. meaning that my gsi pities me and my pathetic paper and has to resort to giving me a couple additional days to let me redeem my sorry self.

what a sad day. i had the crap scared out of me on the way to work. i was a couple minutes late so i was kind of power walking down channing from college. i wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me cuz my mind was preoccupied with the meeting i just had with my gsi. all of a sudden, i felt this guy grab me and jab a gun into my side, and whisper in this low voice, "give me all your money *itch." i started freakin out and screeching and flailing my arms about. suddenly the guy grabs his tummy and falls to the ground. shocked, i watched him reveal his face and identify himself as michael miraflor, one of my old co-workers at unit 3. who was rolling around on the ground laughing hysterically at me. who was poking at me with his "gun," the handle end of his tennis racquet. who i started to pummel furiously with angry fists. =[

i don't know how the heck i'm going to commit to three different blogs.

i'm going to have to find some spice in my life. *rOwr*

i decided to keep a record of the amount of sleep i've had for the past couple weeks... why? i like to pity myself for not getting enough hours and then [i quote directly from roy chung's blog], "condemn myself for ever believing that i would have used those hours (that i wasted) productively." and at the end of this week, i plan to conk out and make up every single hour that i've missed.

sunday 12/1: 3
monday 12/2: 5
tuesday 12/3: 0
wednesday 12/4: 5.5
thursday 12/5: 0
friday 12/6: 10
saturday 12/7: 3
sunday 12/8: 2
monday 12/9: still pending...

the rain makes me feel so damn happy. i don't know how to explain it, but it does. i wish the rain would just go crazy right now. and then i could drive to the marina and watch the rain pound down endlessly all around me. *sigh* i want to do that so freakin badly. right now would be perfect.

my korean final didn't go as badly as i expected it would. i told josei that and she said the most encouraging thing to me. she said that only good things could happen for the time and sacrifice i put into esbn. that was so nice of her to say that. even though i really didn't put a lot of time into it. but her comment was really really nice. josei always knows how to make me feel better.

too bad i manipulated and exploited my teacher's gentle, warm heart for my selfish purposes. =[

now i have to begin my research paper that i've yet to develop a thesis for. freak me.

need more rain... lots more.

makes me sad how people like to talk so much. i know it's meant to be harmless and people's intentions are good, but sometimes it plain sucks.

i am reminded of that tonight. i hate being gossiped about, so there's no legitimate reason for me to partake in gossiping about someone else. *sigh* please keep me accountable. my big dumbo ears perk up whenever there's something juicy and fatty going around, when in reality... it really is none of my business. so next time you hear me flapping my gums with a fellow friend about the latest "omg~ did you hear...?" poke me really hard and tell me to shut the hell up.

esbn was tonight. it seemed like the brothers enjoyed themselves so that made me really happy. i hope they got to see how much we truly appreciate them. sometimes it can be so hard... everyone's always caught up in their own lives and it's so difficult to give thanks for even the smallest things. so i'm glad that we had at least one night to show them how important they really are to us. honestly though, i wish i could have done more. i guess this is just me personally. i feel like tonight didn't even begin to scratch the surface of how much i am truly thankful to God for blessing me with the guys in my class. i don't even half the guys personally but even based on what superficial and little relationship i may have with some of them, i can see God's love shine radiantly in each one of them and that has been an incredible blessing and encouragement to me. i don't know, i just felt so blessed and really honored to have this opportunity to show them how totally great they are. *sigh* i don't think the slide show went that well though... aside from the technical difficulties, i really wish i had dedicated more time to it. i wanted the slide show to encapsulate how each brother has contributed so much to our class in each of their unique and individual ways. blah. i think i'm being selfish... =/

there's so much to do in life. so many opportunities and chances and choices that are presented and made available. sucks how i'm so damn indecisive that by the time i make up my mind on something, the chance passes and disappears forever... leaving me wanting to kick myself in the (_I_). actually, mine's more like (__I__).

dang. so much to do, so little time. it's scary how even when you want to stop, life is a heartless tin-thing that can sweep so easily over little insignificant you, and has the audacity to continue on its merry little way.

with lack of sleep, you look uglier.

this was proven by my boss lady today, who's entire existence revolves around herself, her husband, and elvis presley. she rushed in and actually showed a slight hint of concern when she said hi to me. she said i looked terrible and then i scared her by responding in my man-voice. i think i really scared her. i saw her cringe a little.

she left me alone after that and i felt manly and repulsive. and i completely forgot that kristy, jane kim, and josei were going to come by to work on brother's appreciation stuff. but they came, a little horde of smiling faces and cheerful hellos. and they brought me lunch so jane kim, kristy, and i ate blondie's veggie slices while josei ate blondie's salad. then they each sat down in front of a row of computers and started working on their respective stuff.
i was happy. =]

party tonight at unit one. bring your jammies and good grub. we gonna party all night long.

k ow... my tummy hurts really badly... *sniff sniff*

i'm thinking it's cuz my feet are freezing right now. earlier tonight kristy told me that my feet look dead cuz they're so pale and colorless. so i've been observing them off and on throughout the night and it's kinda of true. she said that toes are supposed to be pink and have a tinge of color to them. mine don't have any rosy pinkness to them at all. =[ in fact, my left big toe has a light purpley-gray tint to it.

here's something else i observed about myself. whenever i don't get enough sleep, this red vertical mark appears in the middle of my nose. it's kinda faint and it sometimes it looks like a scar, and sometimes it looks like dirt on my nose. and no matter how much i poke it or scratch it or rub it, it doesn't go away.

okay...

i'm getting disgusted even as i'm writing this. blech.

wow~ it's gonna be a long day today...

pulling all-nighters by yourself just plain sucks. =[

dang it...

less than 24 hours and i already can't deal. *sigh*

i'm pathetic. =[

here's proof:
wUtdAbUnG: OMG WOMAN I JUST READ YOUR BLOG. ITS UPDOG NOT UP GUY

*sigh*

...

what do you call a fish with no eyes?
fshhhhh!

wow, it makes me kind of sad that everyone is going to be hating life for the next couple weeks cuz of all the insane crap that needs to be done. *sigh* but i can empathize cuz i look at my own schedule and can only look hopelessly at each day and at what needs to be accomplished. and there are those people that i envy and wish i could be like. people like kevin chiang, who actually enjoy the tortuous experience of taking finals. i think he's a sadomasochist. or maybe it's cuz he's a freakin genius who, with his other genius buddies, have laughing sessions because their gpas are so ridiculously high. =T

lots to do, lots on my mind. i pray that things will clear up soon.
until then, i'm just gonna take a deep breath and plunge right in.

hopefully, i won't drown...