people tell me that whenever they see me i look sad or tired or depressed or that i have a lot on my mind... whoa. i didn't know that my face was so expressive. but anyways, i resolve to be a much happier person. so if you see me and i look like any of the aforementioned, i give you permission to sock me and tell me to be happy and smile.

Prayer is amazing. i am only now begining to realize how much power a simple prayer can have.
of all people my sister had this on her away messagey:

"Prayer is man's greatest means of trapping the infinite resources of God." - J. Edgar Hoover

and i saw this on roy's profile:

"When the world pushes you to your knees... You're in the perfect position to pray."

wow. =]

hehe so i thought this was kinda trippy so i'm going to stick this in here... RIGHT when i was about to start writing in this roy asks me if i had one. i guess this is a big deal cuz no one really knows bout this so it was odd that he asked me out of the blue like that... haha how crajee. but i am glad that he asked. cuz now i know i have a reader =P

b o y 52: do you keep a blogspot?
Kpxgrlx012: yeah
Kpxgrlx012: how weirrrrrrrrrrrd
Kpxgrlx012: i was just about to update it
Kpxgrlx012: ahaha lol
b o y 52: you have one??
Kpxgrlx012: do u have one?
b o y 52: wats the addie
b o y 52: hahah kinda
Kpxgrlx012: u do??
b o y 52: i didnt tell anyone..you will be teh first
Kpxgrlx012: whats urs??
b o y 52: royboy.blogspot.com
Kpxgrlx012: i only told one other persion mine
Kpxgrlx012: ahahah
b o y 52: yea, but i didnt put anything much on it..really
b o y 52: wats yorus?
Kpxgrlx012: jahndee.blogspot.com
Kpxgrlx012: mines kinda retarded too
Kpxgrlx012: i think i like reading peoples better
b o y 52: wow
b o y 52: you wrote a lot
b o y 52: !
Kpxgrlx012: i kno
Kpxgrlx012: =[
Kpxgrlx012: sorrie
b o y 52: and only one other person knows this?
Kpxgrlx012: ahahha yeah~
Kpxgrlx012: i feel weird telling people
Kpxgrlx012: like why would they wanna read stupid stuff bout me
Kpxgrlx012: ahahaha u have nothing
Kpxgrlx012: =D
b o y 52: its good to share things in your life..i think thats wat attracts people
b o y 52: yep
b o y 52: i have absolutely nothing!
Kpxgrlx012: ahaahah
Kpxgrlx012: =]
Kpxgrlx012: roy's oh boy bloggoy???
Kpxgrlx012: ahahahaha

ooh. today was unforgettable. thank you again to the awesome guys in our class for such a wonderful sister's appreciation brunch. i've never been appreciated before, well not like i deserve this or anything but yeah... at my old church i couldn't have ever thought something like this was possible; the girls were completely segregated from the guys... and maybe that was our fault, but we never really had the opportunity to get to know the guys in our class in the brother/sister in Christ context. i remember freshmen year up here when i heard people speaking like that i was so thrown off cuz it sounded so incredibly "holy." i didn't know people would consciously speak about each other like that. =T but anyways, this day was totally special for me. =] wow. ahaha i can't get this stupid dumb grin off my face whenever i think about earlier. =] today just totally made me feel special... which sounds kinda pathetic on my part i know, but in all honesty, since spring break, i've been doing a lot of doubting and questioning and wondering about various aspects of my life... and i guess i've reached a point where i can really care less about what happens to me, and it's so easy for me to just simply give up. and seeing everything today, and how the guys were so nice and thoughtful, just made me realize that there's always something that God places in my life that i can be thankful about and have joy in. at this moment, i truly thank God for our awesome class, and especially how generous and caring the guys are... today was incredibly touching, and all i can say is that i am truly blessed to know each of our guys. thank you again. =T

yeah so eww. i just read my blog from earlier this morning and i sound like a freakin babo. oh wells. anyways~ so i haven't slept since 2pm yesterday, and sewon calculated that to be about 36 hours now. wow. that's pretty crajee especially if you know how much i cherish sleeping. =T and what's weirder is that even though i'm pretty dang tired, i'm not at the same time cuz i have so much on my mind... it's been a pretty memorable day today... cuz of some stuff i've just been thinking about a lot [which is always kinda dangerous], and just reflecting a bit on my life.

i realize how crappy of a friend i can be at times and it makes me so incredibly disgusted with myself. one of my roomies is going through a very difficult time, and i feel so helpless cuz i feel like i can't do anything to make it better. and i realized that even though we have issues and stuff... in the long run it's all so freakin insignificant... which totally makes me wish that i was capable of kicking myself in the ass cuz i realize how consumed i get by petty little things. kim had this away messagey up and in it she pasted up part of a convo i guess she and kyung had and what kyung said just totally shook me. it was something like this... "it's just one day out of 365... and supposing you live to be 70 years old, it's 365x70= 25550 days... so this one day in regards to your entire life is a mere fraction of 3.914x10^-5." wow. that's such a stinkin tiny miniscule part of my entire life, and yet at the moment that's all that matters. i mean, there is always that chance that even something as small a number as that can play a significant change in your life; but reading that got me thinking how much of my life has been wasted focusing on such petty problems. and like deborah said when she was sharing about charparral house and what the elderly woman told her about how when you reflect on life at her age... you don't remember things like midterms and classes, but instead you remember the truly happy and important moments in your life. i guess it's kinda like you strain your memory through a collander and only save the chunky portions that were too large to be drained out. those chunky things are the stuff to be remembered; the rest that just went straight through the collander shows how little substance and value it had. i gotta start filtering all the stuff i deal with and remember to focus on what's important. though i constantly gripe about my issues, sometimes in regards to my roomie, i realized today that i need to stop with all the pettiness and remember that i am her friend. in the end, that is all that matters... she's been there when i needed her and now it's my turn to do the same for her. yes...

ugh. i know i have a lot more to say, but i'm feeling the effects of my insomnia, and the letters on my ugly monitor screen are blurring together. i wish i had selective amnesia. there's a lot of junk that needs to be forgotten about that's only been weighing me down all this time... now wouldn't that be nice?

yay... i finally finished my stupid linguistics paper that all those boys already finished hours and hours ago. =[ ugh, now i have korean hw to do and have to still study for today's test... poop. hahaha i think it's funny how caffeine makes me so gassy. it was like continuous releasing of toxic methane gas orally and anally for the majority of the night... more orally though... ahahahha i crack myself up =P anyways... i am seriously wanting to sleep right now, but i definitely cannot cuz then i'll conk out and miss korean again for the hundredth time... *sniff* i think i've missed about ten times now, so that's fifty points go bye bye. =[ sometimes i wish there were more hours in the day... there's so much freakin stuff to do, and i always run out of time. but then, that's probably my own stupid fault for wasting time... but since i am partial to myself, i still wish we had more time. =] this is fun; i feel like i'm talking to myself, but i'm not. and now that i typed that im staring quizzically at it. oki, now i'm over it. time to do hangook hak gyu sook jae.

ooh the simple joys of taking a ddong. =D i remember i read off of this guy's profile that "there's no pleasure more overrated than having sex and underrated as taking a crap..." or something to that effect. hahaha how true though. i feel thoroughly content with myself when i take a satisfying ddong. it's exciting, really, to be quite honest. but earlier today it was not that exciting. i do not like pebbles. however, this one was very invigorating. i feel indeed refreshed. =]

i shall continue this lil spiel later.

today i watched a free preview screening of "life or something like that" or something like that with some people. its with angelina jolie with this bleached white blond hair and hottie edward burns. the movie's actually really good; i liked it a lot. and edward burns is HOT btw... like he plays this free-minded camera guy and there's like all this sexual tension between him and angelina jolie, who's this high on life kinda gal who's always determined to be on top and wants to go into network television. anyways, edward burns is all rugged and sexy... ahahah that sounds like what burbank boys call billy... lol. sexy, sweet, and rugged. hahaha. too bad it's not. billy is much better right? *live life as if it's your last day on earth.* that's so simple, but it's so hard to do. i realize that i take so much for granted and always put things off thinking that there's always tomorrow... but what if there wasn't? =T and by living life for the moment, i realize how much clearer your priorities become. it becomes very apparent what really matters. there's too much rubbish in the world that pollute our minds with unnecessary junk.

poopie. i am freakin tired from staying up all night and doing my retarded soc paper. *sigh* at least it was kinda fun tho... not doing the paper, but like chilling in the unit 3 cc with glow and josei all night. josei's all hard core and stuff so she finished at 7 but glow and i stayed till 9. am... ahahaha. eww we were totally gross in our delirium. but whatevers, stupid stupid soc paper is FINALLY over and for that i am very happy. too bad i feel like crap though. i don't think i've ever pulled like a complete all-nighter in a long long time. bah. remind me not to do that again anytime soon. i feel gross and groggy and i've had a persistant headyache all day today. =[ hahaha can i complain any more? i think not.

my monitor came yesterday morning. finally. i ordered it on the first of this month and it only comes now. >:[ poop. and kim was nice enough to set it up for me so when i got home today it was a nice surprise to see it up and running. but too bad its ugly and i am quite disappointed in the funky shape of it. and everything looks kinda furry, making me dizzy. hahaha but i should be grateful that i finally got it... which i am. i'm just sore cuz it hasn't lived up to the aesthically pleasing value that i wanted it to. but i am pretty content. yay.

i have more to say, but i think i will continue this later cuz it requires some thought and my mind is incapable of coherent thought right now. but all i can say is this... i am most def looking forward to some hard core playing this weekend. i think i deserve it. *pat pat* on my back =P

it's amazing how much crap there is to do this week. i'm getting that overwhelmed feeling again. and the fact that my stupid monitor is still not here and i gotta keep using other people's makes life a lot more complicated. it's disgusting how much i depend on the computer. this week sucks... so dang much to do. and it kinda makes me feel more hopeless cuz i'm not getting anywhere. do u ever get like that? for example, i stayed up almost the entire night studying for my stat midterm today, but when i was taking my test, i realized how ill-prepared i still was. i think i really only knew how to do like 2 of the 6 problems. =/ but yeah, sometimes i feel like what's the point of trying cuz no matter how hard i try, i feel like i'm not getting anywhere, as exemplified by my horrid performance on my midterm and just overall in many things. haha i love how i wallow in my own self-pity. i need to shut up and just keep going. you agree with me right? good, cuz i agree with me too.

my fav lil dongseng's coming up this weekend to visit. yayyyyy. i haven't seen him for the longest time, but i totally can't wait to just talk and play with him. =] i think that's one thing that'll keep me going this week... knowing that he'll be up here soon. haha i need to enlighten this lil boy on chickies though... dang hormones. i wonder if it's a high school phase or something... i used to be all namjah crazed too. ahahaha how disgusting. what a waste of time. life seemed to be so much more simpler back then... don't mind my random nostalgic thought. =T good thing pastor eugene's been speaking about relationships recently. hopefully something will sink into my stephen's chickie-crazed mind, and he'll really take pastor eugene's suggestions to heart. =]

*sigh* what a poopie day. well, actually, it was aiite cept the fact that once again i was reminded of how ironic life is. like when i really want something, i can never obtain it. i know that God is trying to teach me something and that i shouldn't always get what i want, but sometimes... i feel that life would be so much more easier if i did. but that's an incredibly selfish thought cuz i know that we live in accordance to God's will and it's inane to attempt to take things into our own hands.

even though i think that life sucks like a gargantuan vacuum right now, now is the time where i need to turn to God instead of running from Him. prayer and complete trust... yes. idiotic behavior on my part... no.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." thank you grace =] how can life possibly suck when i have God's great love?

i went broomballing with my work people tonight. it was pretty fun cept the whole purpose of this activity was to get to know the other ca's at the other units, but everyone was pretty much segregated into their respective units. afterwards, unit 3 people hit up a party thrown by the head rcc of unit 3. that's two house parties these past two nights. blah. tonite though, i wasn't really into it and i spent the night observing people. but yeah, as people were getting drunk and going crajee, i saw how interesting it is to watch from the outside perspective. it's always interesting to see people go buck wild and make fools of themselves and wonder why they would do something so embarrassing like that. or if they even realize what they're doing. haha but oh wow. talk about being a walking hypocrite. i make an idiot of myself all the time so i have no right to judge.

embarrassing moment: last night at the party kim threw at our place for her work people, i was dancing around in the living room area, in my own little world and doing my thing. and suddenly while i was dancing, i heard this guy behind me go *daYam.* and i realized that there were people sitting on the futons and i was jiggling my big ghetto (_I_) right in their faces. poopie.

i can't believe i'm doing this blog thingie. how incredibly unlike me. =T actually, i don't exactly even know why i'm doing this cept i think it'll be cool to reread this one day in the future and see if i've changed or grown in any way... *shrug* but i wonder how long i can keep up with something like this. i always begin to start something with so much gusto and then as time goes on it gets progressively weaker. but hopefully, this time it'll be different. =]


so here's my first entry... it's ironic though how the day i start this i have all this stuff to say... i feel like i should start with an introduction of myself or something light-hearted. blah. oh wells.


last nite i saw andy's bro's farewell speech from key club convention and even though it was like a two minute clip... it was incredibly awesome. and it's not like i even know his brother... but yet it totally moved me. his brother profusely kept thanking his parents for their sacrifice and support. and then he thanked andy which was totally cute cuz it showed how much love he had for his him... which kinda made me sad cuz i kno me and my sis aren't like that at all... and yeah~ i realized yet again tonite how incredibly selfish i am as a person... like i kno i put my parents thru hell too when i was in key club, and though i know they didn't approve of me being so incredibly consumed by it, they completely supported me and made me know that i could rely on them when i needed it. and i realize now that i never completely thanked them for their love and support. so how crappy of a person am i? that i can't even appreciate my own parents and how much they love me? and while i was watching the clip i got all teary, not cuz it was my bro or anything, but cuz watching the clip inadvertently made me so sad. i don't think i ever allowed the chance for my parents to really be proud of me. i wish i involved my parents more in what i did instead of always griping or asking for their help. and i wish there was some incredible and magnificent way for me to repay them for everything... i realize that even though key club was such an integral part of my life, i never did that. and how much does that suck... that something so important happens in my life and i don't even share it with my parents? why are they only involved when something goes wrong, but aren't there to partake in something if it goes well?


all this from a two min clip of a guy that i've never even met... wow. and i guess it made me realize how little i've been there for my lil sis... like just the way andy's bro talked about him showed so much love and respect for his bro... it made me wonder if me and my sis will ever obtain that sort of relationship. i think we got better since hs, but no where near as much as i would like it to be. i need to change that.


i don't think i should have let myself go like that last night... *sigh* i think i shall nap to clear the dizziness.