yeah so eww. i just read my blog from earlier this morning and i sound like a freakin babo. oh wells. anyways~ so i haven't slept since 2pm yesterday, and sewon calculated that to be about 36 hours now. wow. that's pretty crajee especially if you know how much i cherish sleeping. =T and what's weirder is that even though i'm pretty dang tired, i'm not at the same time cuz i have so much on my mind... it's been a pretty memorable day today... cuz of some stuff i've just been thinking about a lot [which is always kinda dangerous], and just reflecting a bit on my life.

i realize how crappy of a friend i can be at times and it makes me so incredibly disgusted with myself. one of my roomies is going through a very difficult time, and i feel so helpless cuz i feel like i can't do anything to make it better. and i realized that even though we have issues and stuff... in the long run it's all so freakin insignificant... which totally makes me wish that i was capable of kicking myself in the ass cuz i realize how consumed i get by petty little things. kim had this away messagey up and in it she pasted up part of a convo i guess she and kyung had and what kyung said just totally shook me. it was something like this... "it's just one day out of 365... and supposing you live to be 70 years old, it's 365x70= 25550 days... so this one day in regards to your entire life is a mere fraction of 3.914x10^-5." wow. that's such a stinkin tiny miniscule part of my entire life, and yet at the moment that's all that matters. i mean, there is always that chance that even something as small a number as that can play a significant change in your life; but reading that got me thinking how much of my life has been wasted focusing on such petty problems. and like deborah said when she was sharing about charparral house and what the elderly woman told her about how when you reflect on life at her age... you don't remember things like midterms and classes, but instead you remember the truly happy and important moments in your life. i guess it's kinda like you strain your memory through a collander and only save the chunky portions that were too large to be drained out. those chunky things are the stuff to be remembered; the rest that just went straight through the collander shows how little substance and value it had. i gotta start filtering all the stuff i deal with and remember to focus on what's important. though i constantly gripe about my issues, sometimes in regards to my roomie, i realized today that i need to stop with all the pettiness and remember that i am her friend. in the end, that is all that matters... she's been there when i needed her and now it's my turn to do the same for her. yes...

ugh. i know i have a lot more to say, but i'm feeling the effects of my insomnia, and the letters on my ugly monitor screen are blurring together. i wish i had selective amnesia. there's a lot of junk that needs to be forgotten about that's only been weighing me down all this time... now wouldn't that be nice?