it amazes me to see how quickly time can pass by and a thing that i was once dedicated to seems to lose its significance. and i plod through life forgetting, until one day it suddenly hits me and i am reminded of a fervor i once possessed. needless to say, this blog of mine is an example of just this. *sigh*

so life has majorly been sucking for me these past ...days? ...weeks? i don't know. i've lost track. i suppose it's the constant emotional rollercoaster ride of life that i've been on. or maybe i suffer from bipolar disorder, which makes me switch from being high to low in a matter of minutes. unsurprisingly, i feel like crap. and i've been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. i guess it can seem like i'm wallowing in my own self-pity and maybe that could be one aspect, but right now, it's more of self-disgust and repulsion.

school's starting tomorrow and unlike the excitement i used to feel, it's one more of fear, dread, and apprehension. it's a sign showing the inevitable: i am going to be an upperclassman and with that, there comes certain liabilities. in so many different aspects this fact holds true. it's a sign to take responsibility and leadership for the underclassmen, it's a sign showing that time is running out, and it's a sign showing that one is growing up to face the real world. i feel like this past summer up here was extremely unproductive and wasteful. true, i worked and took two classes, but what i could have done in addition to that, was definately not enough. i wanted to do so much more, and maybe cuz i was being too selfish, i ended up with what feels like nothing. with a couple of exceptional cases, i don't think there was much good to this summer. i saw everyone at church today, and everyone looked so different with this refreshing air about them and excited looks in their eyes. and i just stood there observing, and enviously wishing for that same feeling. i've become indifferent to so many things. *wait... scratch that.* i struggle with emotions so much that the only way i deal with them is to become emotionless and stoic. and i think and i think and i get mad for thinking so much.

i have no idea what to expect this semester. but it's what pastor eugene said today... how only God is the one who remains true. i'm realizing this more and more daily... that everyone flakes, that everyone stumbles, and everyone is weak. everyone and everything will fail but God. what scares me to death is that despite knowing this and experiencing all this crap, it is still so difficult for me to place what i'm feeling towards God. "Turn to God and away from sin." i'm at the midpoint where im half-turned to both and i desperately don't know which way to turn. i place too many expectations on people and when they hurt or disappoint me, i fall. and i fall hard. and to recuperate, i become hardened and i put up my infamous wall that blocks everyone out and doesn't allow anyone to come through. the way i justify this is that people that hurt me are not deserving to know what goes on in my life. i mean... why should they? maybe it has to do with my stubborn pride, but i feel like if i don't get to hold onto this one defense mechanism of mine, to protect me from the big, bad world out there... then everything is lost and i really am nothing. yet i know that i should not do this, but i cannot help but do so. *correction* i am too stubborn to do so. "Turn to God and away from sin."