i was really humbled today.

i realize what a selfish and shameful person i am that i have taken so many of God's blessings for granted.
i definitely don't give enough thanks for all of God's generous provisions.
it's these little reminders that truly open your eyes.

...

roy, i don't think i can fully express how happy i am for you. *toothy grin*

Bo0gGies16: yo'ure great
Auto response from Kpxgrlx012: at work. leave something nice cuz i'm gonna be here for a while.
Bo0gGies16: ok did my job
Bo0gGies16: tootles! =D

after an 8 hour shift it's nice to have something to smile about =D hehe.

sometimes i wish i could just get a hug from a friend. no questions asked, only awaiting open arms. *sigh* life is just too complicated sometimes and it's amazing how something so simple as a hug can somehow chase away those complications. to be held and to hold someone you sincerely care about... that's one of the best feelings in the world cuz it enables you to feel safe and secure.

i don't think i've really felt safe since eli, paul, and noah were here. =/

this is my second all nighter in a row. what sucks besides the lack of sleep is that i wasn't even that productive. i don't understand how i can work so slowly. i think my brain must be as smooth as a baby's butt. haha. i can imagine certain people readily nodding their heads in agreement as they're reading this... hahaha.

here's one good thing that i know i'm going to love about today despite that i'm still not done with my paper and am not entirely prepared for my midterm. i just took a quickie nap from about 6:45-7:45 which was actually kinda pointless cuz i was distressed and restless. anyways, i got up, dragged my grudging heinie out of bed and plopped myself down at my desk. i *blinked blinked* a while and glanced outside my window and noticed that the sky was still gray! and with a faint breeze too! i promptly checked weather.com for today's weather and it confirmed what i was hoping would be true... today's weather is finally going to be cool! *blissful sigh* gloomy weather totally cheers me up so i just wanted to record this happy moment. hehe. i know today's going to suck like an industrial sized vacuum, but somehow knowing that the weather is a bit more favorable makes everything else also seem a tad bit better. =D

thank you God. [i just typed Fod. =[ mebbe i do have a typing disability...]

my sister has this mint julep green masque that she puts on her pimples at night before she sleeps. k. for one, this masque is seriously potent... as soon as you put some on, there's this immediate burning and crazy stinging that makes your whole face tingle. two, its GREEN. a nice shade of avocado pasty light green. ahahaha. my sister is sitting behind me at her desk with 70% of her face covered in this green gook. she has this placid expression on her face and is completely oblivious to the fact that her face is speckled with green schmear. ahahaha. so freakin hilarious.

the next couple days are going to be pretty darn crazy and yet i'm blogging and wasting time again. dang. i reread what i wrote last night and it kinda scares me how inconsistent i can be. *shrug* oh wells... i guess we all have our moments.

i'm going to be up all night writing my legal studies 184 paper. yup. i am determined. my body's chock full of french vanilla coffee from 7-11 and an assortment of fatty junk food my desk is burrowed under. no joke... here's a compilation of what i have: mini powdered doughnuts, flaming hot cheetos, reeses peanut butter pieces, heath bites, sour cream and onion pringles, and a bottle of water. makes your stomach turn over in disgust, huh? =D here's my theory of too much sugar and fat and unnecessary junk in one's diet: you just gotta find a mechanism to flush all that nasty gunk out of your arteries. hence my token bottle of water. it's like those drain-o commericals where you need to pour drain-o in to unclog all that hair and snot residue and phlegm and make the pipe nice and clean again. yup.

on a sidenote... i finally found a friend in my philosophy class. this is the class where i literally chill by myself and the only time someone talked to me is when we had to do feedback assignments on a paper and one guy offered to switch papers with me. i honestly think he pitied me. but my new friend is actually my co-worker... the sole white guy amongst the other 11 asians. and he's in my section too. haha. it's the 7th week of classes and i can't understand how we didn't see each other before. ah~ never mind. it must be my "i've never seen so many white people in my life and it's too difficult to distinguish among them cuz they all look alike so i'm just going to ignore them" close-minded parochial mindset. however, exceptions can always be made. ie. the mega hot hunky ones with rippling well-oiled bodies. those definitely warrant a much more intense perusal. *yum*

i just read my daily assortment of blogs and were thoroughly amused by them. ahahaha. boys are funny.

i'm so freaking tired right now... i don't know what's been wrong with me these days. it might be that the stinkin heat is draining my energy or that i'm in the life sucks (_I_) stage right now.

i can't stand fickle people. i know i'm being selfish and hypocritical right now, but i really don't give a crap about that. and i despise feeling that there is no one that truly understands what i've been going through. i generally agree with what judy said in her blog... i've learned to keep my mouth shut cuz i find that it's difficult to trust people. or, when i do take the chance to open up, i've had it freakin thrown back in my face as if i've been *itch slapped. *ouch* so yeah, i think it's definitely true that you need to watch whatt you're saying. and it's true that only through true love can you really know a person. i guess what kinda sucks is that i realize there are many that i don't truly love, but of whom i have more of that obligated, lukewarm, half-hearted love. knowing that makes me feel sick and yet that's what i do, and i most def don't try hard enough to fix it.

i don't like how it's so difficult to really express yourself in your blogs. i hate having to reread what i've written and then edit it to make it suitable for the reading public. not that i even know who does read this or not, but i've been surprised a couple of times. *sigh* this blog is for me, and i guess that's why i initially only told a few people that i thought i could completely trust. yet those that i considered trustworthy are the ones who actually did the opposite. wow, life is so damn ironic. and then this makes me reevaluate if who i considered to be trustworthy is even someone that can be trusted at all. i don't like doubting people and short-changing them, but then i realize that by always giving them the benefit of the doubt, i'm the one who gets screwed in the end. so i have to ask myself: which is better? that i do not know, and this is what i've been majorly struggling with. i'm sick of not being taken seriously, like some idiotic ditz who's unable to grasp simple concepts. i know that i have millions of petty problems, but i was always under the impression that despite the ridiculousness of the problem, a friend is one who listens no matter what and helps you deal with it. so it hurts that supposed friends will rebuke me instead for being burdened by these petty issues and will criticize me of how wrongful a person i am. i find that most interesting. so yeah. if i'm too closed-off for you, it's necessary to take all that i've said into account. i feel there's no need to open up, especially not to those who can't or won't try to understand who i am. there isn't any reason to hide anything from those you truly love and from those who truly love you. and so it makes me realize that i have yet to obtain that love. don't think that my happy go lucky self is all that's there. beneath this dumb-looking exterior, there is someone with actual feelings and thoughts, surprising as that may sound. either make a real effort or just screw it. i'm tired.

kevin chiang is one of the funniest people i know.

i'm going to leave it at that cuz it's not right for me to disclose his most embarassing moments.
however, to pique your curiosity, here are some of the juicy subjects mentioned: female genitalia, the female reproductive system and the curses of having a tiny bladder and no self-control.

hearing someone dry heave is probably one of the most wretched sounds possible. *shudder* =[

i had ramyun today for the first time in about nine months at julie's today. it was pretty darn good. i can't remember why i haven't indulged myself in these sinfully unhealthy msg-laden delicacies that only take 6 minutes to make for so long. *drool* anyways, i have resolved to start paying more attention to the lonesome boxes of ramyun that have been neglected and uncared for during these past months.

i had a whatevers day today but things definitely picked up toward the end. =]

i was mortified today when my sister and i were being lazy bums and decided to drive to gpb for ficb. unfortunately i don't possess the mental capacity and deftness to parallel park. [i would like to add that i do know how to parallel park if it involves one car and i need to park either in front or back of it] anyways, after about ten minutes of trying to park while listening to my sister bark orders and make rude comments, i see sammy walking down the street towards us. this is what happened... my sister said hi, and then he said hi, paused, bent his body over 90 degrees, peered into the front passenger window, spotted me looking back at him in helpless embarassment, straightened his body out, threw his head back, and proceeded to burst into one of the most obnoxious laughters i have ever heard. psh. unfortunately i could not screech at him for his audacity to laugh at me because i needed him to park for me. too bad it took him all of like 15 seconds to park. too bad i looked like an idiot. and too bad mejeld, who's single purpose in life is to annoy the ddong out of me, happened to be across the street and happened to witness the whole thing. hooray, i say.

anyways, i think our class meeting went well tonight. it seemed like we finally got some serious talking done and the fact that so many people were able to voice their different opinions and were comfortable enough to do so made me happy.

i also finally got to spend some quality time with judy since what seems like forever. we ended up eating fat guy feasts at la burrita at midnight. she's a silly girl. this is her mentality: she knows that she can finish the whole thing, but she doesn't want to, so she basically dissects her burrito and ends up throwing away about 1/3 of it. my mentality: la burrita is freak nasty delicious anytime so enjoy it heartily and regret the consequences of waking up with a puffy face and bloated tummy the next morning.

ahh~ but here is the definite highlight of tonight. one of the nicest gestures i have ever seen from andy chon: the soundtrack from sweet home alabama. oh. and the nail file. =D thanks buddy. i'm glad i have such a cool friend who can get cool paraphernalia and is generous enough to share a lil bit of that coolness with me.

i've been having very terrible and disturbing dreams for the past few days. it's weird cuz i'm not prone to remember my dreams when i wake up but these past few nights, it's kinda creepy to know with how much recollection and clarity i'm able to remember them. maybe's its because they're about my friends... and that the things happening to them are so awful that i'm in a state of shock when i wake up and am forced to remember. like one dream i had involved this girl friend of mine and we got into this horrendous fight involving screaming at the top of our lungs and for me, the brink of cussing her out. i think back even now and the emotions that i felt in the dream i can still feel now... trying to hold back the rage and literally wanting to strangle her and hurt her. it's so intense. and yet another dream, where one brother murdered his brother and then killed himself. i can still remember finding the older brother's freshly stabbed body and i can still feel the warm blood on my hands. and i can still feel the shock and horror of finding the body and i can hear myself screaming when i touched the body. it's so realistic... i woke up from my second dream out of breath and with a dry mouth. so horrible... i can't figure it out at all. =/

i just took a most unsatisfying ddong. poop. =[

wow, today was the longest day... it's the first time i've been home since 11 this morning and it's almost 2 in the morning now. wow. i had 11-7 work, then proceeded to go straight to the airport to drop my dad off, then dropped off my sis at northgate for a review session, gorged myself with sewon, picked up my sis and her friends, dropped them off, then headed to dennys to study. *sigh*

anyways... my appa left today. =[ he was up here for the past couple days visiting me and my sister after a conference he had up in san jose. gosh~ my appa is so darn cute. it was really great getting to spend time with him and talking and laughing with him. i am really really sad that he left. *sigh* everything always seems better with a guy around. i felt safe and protected when he was here. i love how your family can make you feel like that, that despite all the burdensome crap going on, you return home to love and acceptance and all your worries seem to melt away and you can just soak up the love. my relationship with my dad definitely strengthened once i came to college. "so much of what we know of love is learnt at home" there's always been the fact that the korean culture is stoic in expressing emotions, especially among older generations, and when i was younger, i often struggled with that lack of expression of love. i remember i'd hear of families going on dates and trips together and i'd be amazed and would question and doubt the extent of my parents' love for me. repulsive, i know. luckily i've smartened up a bit and have grown to appreciate the simple things that my parents do to show their love. large extravagant things are always nice but the small thoughtful gestures are what are cherished closer to the heart. the daily quick phone calls, the random emails in Korean, the encouraging words... all incredibly touching indicators of the extent of my parents' love. but by far the greatest proof of their love is their tremendous encouragement in my spiritual walk. kevin came by one day and saw the "daily bread" on my desk, a daily devotional my dad sends me to do my qts with. and then i told kevin how i've been receiving them since freshmen year and in the beginning my parents would tape a lil note on the front reminding me to please read the daily bread everyday. kevin told me how cute that was and when he said that i was privately rebuked by this memory. i realize how often i take my parents for granted. it's amazing that my parents would provide me devotionals from which i can grow by. there are so many others i know who are struggling because members of their families aren't Christians. and here are my parents... both so strong in their faith and unabashedly showing their love for Christ to me, to encourage me to grow in Him.

i am truly blessed.

some more good things:
-roy befriending me again \O/
-seeing jean moon for the first time in three years
-watching my big fat greek wedding
-playing with peggy, nancy, and jiyun and having some good girl talk =]

some of the things i am so thankful for that have made me smile when i can't keep on going:
-a pack of wrigley's extra polar ice gum from josei cuz she knows wednesdays are my horrendously tiresome days
-a note scribbled on a napkin by my dongseng paul from this past friday when i felt like my world was crashing down around me
-a really good talk perched on the whale at lbl with sewon
-my appa coming to visit for a few days
-lucky charms
-cold water

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"The Lord foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." -Psalm 33:10-11

why is there such a need to belong? i don't understand. i feel like if that need is not satisfied... then i can cease to exist. why am i determining what i need? who am i to decide what i do or do not need? i feel like i am wandering around aimlessly, lost and dazed, until one day, i will finally hit something in the darkness out there and will feel grounded and secure again.

Dear God,
Please forgive me for living in a Disneyland.
Amen.

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." -The Velveteen Rabbit

i always love a good challenge... =D

jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:16 PM): do u still eat a lot?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:53:29 PM): yep
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:35 PM): yay good
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:36 PM): =D
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:11 PM): lolz
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:27 PM): jayne, my good woman, i'll eat and drink u under the table any day
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:27 PM): =]
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:54:49 PM): hahaha is that a challenge?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:55:02 PM): u bet your sweet ass it is
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:55:02 PM): hahaah
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:55:05 PM): ahahahaha it's on hun