there is this inexplicable sadness that i'm feeling right now. i'm so sad it hurts.
i'm so disappointed in myself... i wish i could just disappear and forget everything.

.:sigh:.

Send some rain. Would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not. Not today. Maybe You'll provide in other ways.
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain.

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need.

So grant us peace. Jesus, grant us peace.
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not. Not today. Peace might be another world away.
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace.

But Jesus, would You please...

"Gratitude" Nichole Nordeman

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed.
You watched my team win, and watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again.

And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero, come if You can
You said, I Am.

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10 pm?
You saw my mistakes and watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again

And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, be my best friend
And You said, I Am.

The winds of chance and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne.
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am. Yes, I Am.

"I Am" Nichole Nordeman

.:my deepest thanks to you:.

you know who are.

i'm at the library right now, with 120+ pages still left for my legal studies 155 final at 12:30 today. *sigh*

roach, jack ku, carroll, grace, and my sister are here also. everyone's tired and panicky.

i'm coughing really hard and my throat hurts *something explicitive* bad.

my secret santa hates me.

it's finally raining and i'm stuck listening to it and unable to enjoy it as i want to.

i am so freaking sad right now.

don't you hate that feeling in the pit of your tummy? =/
crap...

thanks roy chung for "what a wonderful world" by louis armstrong.
you seriously just made my stupid day LOTS better. =D

...

OMG. i take it back. this isn't the song i was talking about at all.
lsdkfjlsakdfslkdfjsldkfjsdf

damn it.

i was at work when i saw andy walk out of classroom a at unit 1. i was so suprised to see him there i squealed and this boy resident gave me this really odd look. anyways, i ended up talking to andy for the last hour of my shift. i felt bad talking to him cuz he's so screwed. i think he's even more screweder than me. which makes me sad. but i was also really happy that i got to talk to andy, singlehandedly the most popular boy at ficb, for the first time in forever. it was really cool cuz the usual swarms of grabby chicks scrambling for andy's undying love and attention were absent. ahahaha. just kidding... i think. =T

later, andy was swinging punches at me so i tried to throw my chest out like nancy did so that he might stop himself from socking my boob like he did to hers. but i was too slow. and so i got hit. i felt like such an idiot. =[

hang in there andy... you can do it! (_I_)
thanks for watching the esbn presentation all over again while listening to my wistful sighs and whimpers of sadness. *high-five*

monday 12/9: 1.5
tuesday 12/10: 2.5

k. i'm starting to feel that wretched burnt out feeling that creeps around every finals time and enjoys wreaking havoc in my life. damn. my phil final sucked a$$ today. it didn't go well at all and i have no one to blame but myself for not being disciplined enough to study last night. i also met with my gsi to discuss my 13 page paper for 45 minutes straight. what did i learn? hey hey now... my paper also sucks a$$ and i need to essentially redo the whole damned thing all over again. however, he was gracious enough to extend the due date to monday. it's ironic cuz initially he wanted me to turn it in before the deadline on friday. meaning that my gsi pities me and my pathetic paper and has to resort to giving me a couple additional days to let me redeem my sorry self.

what a sad day. i had the crap scared out of me on the way to work. i was a couple minutes late so i was kind of power walking down channing from college. i wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me cuz my mind was preoccupied with the meeting i just had with my gsi. all of a sudden, i felt this guy grab me and jab a gun into my side, and whisper in this low voice, "give me all your money *itch." i started freakin out and screeching and flailing my arms about. suddenly the guy grabs his tummy and falls to the ground. shocked, i watched him reveal his face and identify himself as michael miraflor, one of my old co-workers at unit 3. who was rolling around on the ground laughing hysterically at me. who was poking at me with his "gun," the handle end of his tennis racquet. who i started to pummel furiously with angry fists. =[

i don't know how the heck i'm going to commit to three different blogs.

i'm going to have to find some spice in my life. *rOwr*

i decided to keep a record of the amount of sleep i've had for the past couple weeks... why? i like to pity myself for not getting enough hours and then [i quote directly from roy chung's blog], "condemn myself for ever believing that i would have used those hours (that i wasted) productively." and at the end of this week, i plan to conk out and make up every single hour that i've missed.

sunday 12/1: 3
monday 12/2: 5
tuesday 12/3: 0
wednesday 12/4: 5.5
thursday 12/5: 0
friday 12/6: 10
saturday 12/7: 3
sunday 12/8: 2
monday 12/9: still pending...

the rain makes me feel so damn happy. i don't know how to explain it, but it does. i wish the rain would just go crazy right now. and then i could drive to the marina and watch the rain pound down endlessly all around me. *sigh* i want to do that so freakin badly. right now would be perfect.

my korean final didn't go as badly as i expected it would. i told josei that and she said the most encouraging thing to me. she said that only good things could happen for the time and sacrifice i put into esbn. that was so nice of her to say that. even though i really didn't put a lot of time into it. but her comment was really really nice. josei always knows how to make me feel better.

too bad i manipulated and exploited my teacher's gentle, warm heart for my selfish purposes. =[

now i have to begin my research paper that i've yet to develop a thesis for. freak me.

need more rain... lots more.

makes me sad how people like to talk so much. i know it's meant to be harmless and people's intentions are good, but sometimes it plain sucks.

i am reminded of that tonight. i hate being gossiped about, so there's no legitimate reason for me to partake in gossiping about someone else. *sigh* please keep me accountable. my big dumbo ears perk up whenever there's something juicy and fatty going around, when in reality... it really is none of my business. so next time you hear me flapping my gums with a fellow friend about the latest "omg~ did you hear...?" poke me really hard and tell me to shut the hell up.

esbn was tonight. it seemed like the brothers enjoyed themselves so that made me really happy. i hope they got to see how much we truly appreciate them. sometimes it can be so hard... everyone's always caught up in their own lives and it's so difficult to give thanks for even the smallest things. so i'm glad that we had at least one night to show them how important they really are to us. honestly though, i wish i could have done more. i guess this is just me personally. i feel like tonight didn't even begin to scratch the surface of how much i am truly thankful to God for blessing me with the guys in my class. i don't even half the guys personally but even based on what superficial and little relationship i may have with some of them, i can see God's love shine radiantly in each one of them and that has been an incredible blessing and encouragement to me. i don't know, i just felt so blessed and really honored to have this opportunity to show them how totally great they are. *sigh* i don't think the slide show went that well though... aside from the technical difficulties, i really wish i had dedicated more time to it. i wanted the slide show to encapsulate how each brother has contributed so much to our class in each of their unique and individual ways. blah. i think i'm being selfish... =/

there's so much to do in life. so many opportunities and chances and choices that are presented and made available. sucks how i'm so damn indecisive that by the time i make up my mind on something, the chance passes and disappears forever... leaving me wanting to kick myself in the (_I_). actually, mine's more like (__I__).

dang. so much to do, so little time. it's scary how even when you want to stop, life is a heartless tin-thing that can sweep so easily over little insignificant you, and has the audacity to continue on its merry little way.

with lack of sleep, you look uglier.

this was proven by my boss lady today, who's entire existence revolves around herself, her husband, and elvis presley. she rushed in and actually showed a slight hint of concern when she said hi to me. she said i looked terrible and then i scared her by responding in my man-voice. i think i really scared her. i saw her cringe a little.

she left me alone after that and i felt manly and repulsive. and i completely forgot that kristy, jane kim, and josei were going to come by to work on brother's appreciation stuff. but they came, a little horde of smiling faces and cheerful hellos. and they brought me lunch so jane kim, kristy, and i ate blondie's veggie slices while josei ate blondie's salad. then they each sat down in front of a row of computers and started working on their respective stuff.
i was happy. =]

party tonight at unit one. bring your jammies and good grub. we gonna party all night long.

k ow... my tummy hurts really badly... *sniff sniff*

i'm thinking it's cuz my feet are freezing right now. earlier tonight kristy told me that my feet look dead cuz they're so pale and colorless. so i've been observing them off and on throughout the night and it's kinda of true. she said that toes are supposed to be pink and have a tinge of color to them. mine don't have any rosy pinkness to them at all. =[ in fact, my left big toe has a light purpley-gray tint to it.

here's something else i observed about myself. whenever i don't get enough sleep, this red vertical mark appears in the middle of my nose. it's kinda faint and it sometimes it looks like a scar, and sometimes it looks like dirt on my nose. and no matter how much i poke it or scratch it or rub it, it doesn't go away.

okay...

i'm getting disgusted even as i'm writing this. blech.

wow~ it's gonna be a long day today...

pulling all-nighters by yourself just plain sucks. =[

dang it...

less than 24 hours and i already can't deal. *sigh*

i'm pathetic. =[

here's proof:
wUtdAbUnG: OMG WOMAN I JUST READ YOUR BLOG. ITS UPDOG NOT UP GUY

*sigh*

...

what do you call a fish with no eyes?
fshhhhh!

wow, it makes me kind of sad that everyone is going to be hating life for the next couple weeks cuz of all the insane crap that needs to be done. *sigh* but i can empathize cuz i look at my own schedule and can only look hopelessly at each day and at what needs to be accomplished. and there are those people that i envy and wish i could be like. people like kevin chiang, who actually enjoy the tortuous experience of taking finals. i think he's a sadomasochist. or maybe it's cuz he's a freakin genius who, with his other genius buddies, have laughing sessions because their gpas are so ridiculously high. =T

lots to do, lots on my mind. i pray that things will clear up soon.
until then, i'm just gonna take a deep breath and plunge right in.

hopefully, i won't drown...