hmm... so i dunno. i think i'm crashing from my happy stage cuz right now i feel kinda blah and contemplative. like a sad realization of something. i really do think i suffer from bipolar disorder...

there's very few people in the world that can be trusted completely... or that i can trust i suppose. i have this sort of feeling like what's the point in confiding in anyone cuz in the end, somehow they screw you over and betray that confidence. is that being too cynical? or am i being cautious? i remember i had a convo kinda related to this with a good friend a while back and basically it was about how i tend to build up this wall around me... and it's hard to reach me cuz of this huge emotional barrier. and she concluded that the wall was stupid and that she was gonna break it down. hehe. wow. i haven't had such an honest, open talk like that in a while. it's weird... cuz even as i'm chatting online to different people right now i feel like the person chatting isn't who i really am at all. odd. i guess that's kinda what eugene meant in his blog bout how online conversations have that kind of effect. i'm an exemplary model of his spiel on aim conversations. there's no sympathy for me.
anyways... back to this wall concept. for me... i consider it as a defense mechanism. i know i'm being selfish, but this is something i feel like i need to do in order to protect myself from the big, bad world out there. like why do i have to keep putting myself out there to the rest of the world so that in the end what happens is that i'm the one getting screwed? life ain't fair... and i know it isn't. and i know that i shouldn't just give up and completely lose myself to hide behind this great thick wall i've built... but sometimes... and recently, more often than not... i honestly feel like what's the freakin point. i'm sick of trying... and even though i'm sick of it, that scares me. cuz then it's like i've given up on everything in life and i'm dead in many aspects.

*sigh*

i read this off my friend's profile today... man... i haven't talked to him forever. it's astonishing to see how quickly time can pass by without me thinking twice about someone i once considered a friend. and then... it's amazing how a random emotion or memory can trigger something inside me and make me reminisce and wonder how the same person has been. and it jolts me in such a way that sometimes i'm ashamed to be me...

"they say to always reach for the stars...

but what if they can't be found?"