have you ever been so tired you feel like collapsing? so tired that even as you just sit there everything feels overbearing and heavy? so tired that you feel the sharp tingle of unshed tears while you furiously blink to prevent them from escaping? *sigh* i dunno what it is. actually, there's a lot... physically i'm exhausted, mentally i'm strained, spiritually i'm beat. i'm just so tired of everything that i feel it's easier for me to stop trying and just let life simply sweep over me. why fight an already lost battle against the strong current? it's just so much easier to go along with the flow...

i didn't want to stay for nursery today. aside from my physical and emotional exhausation, i honestly felt like i wasn't in the proper mindset and heart to serve today. i justified this by thinking to myself that heidi, the baby i take care of, doesn't even know me and cries at the mere sight of me. i know that it's just attachment issues and she's difficult to handle, but it's still discouraging. every sunday i've helplessly watched the gwon sa neem take care of her and i feel so useless trailing after the two. i guess that's why i wanted to leave today. i do little things like pick up crumbled napkins and retrieve toys, but i don't feel like that's a way of truly serving. i dunno. good thing andy rebuked me and reminded me that this was a committment. which i already knew and which was why i was torn between what i should do. i think i secretly knew that i would stay today though. it's selfish of me to try to justify myself. i guess no matter how much life sucks, if it's for God's glory you gotta deal with its suckiness.

it's just so incredibly hard...