i just got back from denny's with sewon after unsuccessfully trying to study for my korean test. =[ bah. but yeah~ around 1am a couple sat right behind us and they had this intense conversation about their relationship. and cuz i was back to back with the guy and cuz they spoke sort of loudly, i couldn't help but overhear most of their conversation. it left a bittersweet feeling in my heart.

the basic synopsis: they've been in a two year long affair with each other and she doesn't understand why he can't tell his real gf about the two of them. he apparently keeps saying that he has, but she reveals that in fact he hasn't since they have to still sneak around to see each other. she's accepted that he's the one man in her life but for some reason, he can't seem to commit to one woman. she has a kid and whenever the guy sleeps over he needs to leave before the kid gets up for school, but the kid pretty much knows already who the guy is. what the girl has a problem with is that her kid even knows about the two of them and his current gf doesn't. she suggested that maybe they should end the whole thing and he got pissed at her, asking her why she had to go and say such a stupid thing. she questioned his love for her and he repeatedly asserted that he did love her, with a flat and emotionless voice. you could tell she really loved him by the way she talked to him with that patient tone of voice that only someone in love can have. the guy however, was very abrupt and brusque with her, often exclaiming that she should watch her mouth and that she couldn't possibly understand why he wasn't able to break up with his current gf.

conclusion: it's scary to see how love can make people so blind and how it makes people willing to sacrifice themselves for the ones they love. *sigh*

the topic of relationships have been coming up frequently in conversations recently... been thinking more about them lately. more to say about this later, but not now.

been thinking a lot and getting overwhelmed already... which is bad cuz i just got back from retreat only a couple days ago. *shrug* oh wells.

anyways, here's something i realized. i need to stop worrying about stupid things like the past and need to start focusing on others around me. i need to stop fixating on certain things and instead, make the best use of what i do have and work with that instead. *sigh* i guess that means i need to stop longing for the past and for what things could have once been.

there's so much i'm feeling right now, and it's so difficult to articulate what i'm feeling. but God really answered a lot of my prayers in terms of finding a focus in my life and rekindling my passion for him. i think this was the first time i was genuinely focused on God and Him alone. Pastor Eugene's sermons were awesome... i feel blessed to have such a great servant of God teaching God's word. isn't it amazing how when you need it the most, God's love and glory is radiantly shown? =] retreat had a lot of good memories.

so retreat's in a few hours and i dunno what i 'm feeling. i hope that this retreat will be a blessing and humbling time for me... something for me to get reacquainted with God again.

just came back from not studying at denny's. i was fighting some major sleepiness and when i finally overcame it to start studying, stinkin john song started talking about the ring. =[ that in turn encouraged roy, alex, and kristy to participate in a conversation about all sorts of scary shenanigans and which basically ruined any remote possibility of doing my korean homework.

oh~ i saw two dogs having sex today. it was weird, but kinda fascinating... it was right outside cafe milano on bancroft. people passing by did the following: stopped and openly stared, glared disapprovingly at the dogs while walking by, looked away feeling embarassed, and hurriedly walked by, or started grinning and cheering the dogs on. it was really quite interesting. if i was a psychologist i'd analyze people's reactions to that sex scene and use it to explain personalities and how those with certain personalities would perform in bed.

it's kinda fun to see how long my body can function with a mere hour of sleep all day. being faint and lightheaded and having random dreams sporadically during lectures is always interesting.

i saw tammy today by accident. i didn't even know she was up and for some reason, i was the only person who didn't see her at church yesterday. nevertheless it was really great to see her again. peggy, josei, jane kim, kristy, tammy and i went to mario's for lunch and it was so much fun. i never eat out for lunch anymore cuz i'm usually sitting by my lonesome self during my horrid one hour breaks at bear's lair people watching or dreaming about going home. so this was a real treat for me. =D and afterwards, we took this touristy picture at sproul fountain. i haven't taken a happy picture for a really long time. =]

after class i went with josei and rob to his place until we went to ehouse. john song came home and he did the most fascinating thing. he went pee pee with his backpack still on. ahahaha. gosh, i don't know why, but that freakin amazed me... for some reason, i thought boys took off their backpacks before peeing like chicks do. but it totally makes sense that they keep their backpacks on so that their hands are free to do their business. ok, i just wanted to remember that. i think this lesson will come in handy someday.

i watched the ac transit boys play bball today. wow. they're so awesome. =] john song made like a hundred lay up shots. is that what they're called? *shrug* and i had pom-poms! *shake shake shake* =D

wow. this has got to be one of the worst papers i have ever written.

it's about 2:30 right now and i just made up my thesis. i think. it sucks incredibly. i hate papers. argh. i only have 6 hours to crank out something kind of intelligible on something i don't know anything about. darn.

note to self: buy more no-doz. i've run out already. =[

have you ever been so tired you feel like collapsing? so tired that even as you just sit there everything feels overbearing and heavy? so tired that you feel the sharp tingle of unshed tears while you furiously blink to prevent them from escaping? *sigh* i dunno what it is. actually, there's a lot... physically i'm exhausted, mentally i'm strained, spiritually i'm beat. i'm just so tired of everything that i feel it's easier for me to stop trying and just let life simply sweep over me. why fight an already lost battle against the strong current? it's just so much easier to go along with the flow...

i didn't want to stay for nursery today. aside from my physical and emotional exhausation, i honestly felt like i wasn't in the proper mindset and heart to serve today. i justified this by thinking to myself that heidi, the baby i take care of, doesn't even know me and cries at the mere sight of me. i know that it's just attachment issues and she's difficult to handle, but it's still discouraging. every sunday i've helplessly watched the gwon sa neem take care of her and i feel so useless trailing after the two. i guess that's why i wanted to leave today. i do little things like pick up crumbled napkins and retrieve toys, but i don't feel like that's a way of truly serving. i dunno. good thing andy rebuked me and reminded me that this was a committment. which i already knew and which was why i was torn between what i should do. i think i secretly knew that i would stay today though. it's selfish of me to try to justify myself. i guess no matter how much life sucks, if it's for God's glory you gotta deal with its suckiness.

it's just so incredibly hard...

The Lord answered and said, "Have u seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands. She already heals herself when she is sick & can work 18 hour days."

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "but you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made Her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish. The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

gina~
i hope you've been taking care of yourself. i miss you.

KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i just need alone time i guess
Kpxgrlx012: how come?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i dunno
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i wish life was simple
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: and i could just devote to God
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: then i wouldn't even hafta worry bout anythin else

i was really humbled today.

i realize what a selfish and shameful person i am that i have taken so many of God's blessings for granted.
i definitely don't give enough thanks for all of God's generous provisions.
it's these little reminders that truly open your eyes.

...

roy, i don't think i can fully express how happy i am for you. *toothy grin*

Bo0gGies16: yo'ure great
Auto response from Kpxgrlx012: at work. leave something nice cuz i'm gonna be here for a while.
Bo0gGies16: ok did my job
Bo0gGies16: tootles! =D

after an 8 hour shift it's nice to have something to smile about =D hehe.

sometimes i wish i could just get a hug from a friend. no questions asked, only awaiting open arms. *sigh* life is just too complicated sometimes and it's amazing how something so simple as a hug can somehow chase away those complications. to be held and to hold someone you sincerely care about... that's one of the best feelings in the world cuz it enables you to feel safe and secure.

i don't think i've really felt safe since eli, paul, and noah were here. =/

this is my second all nighter in a row. what sucks besides the lack of sleep is that i wasn't even that productive. i don't understand how i can work so slowly. i think my brain must be as smooth as a baby's butt. haha. i can imagine certain people readily nodding their heads in agreement as they're reading this... hahaha.

here's one good thing that i know i'm going to love about today despite that i'm still not done with my paper and am not entirely prepared for my midterm. i just took a quickie nap from about 6:45-7:45 which was actually kinda pointless cuz i was distressed and restless. anyways, i got up, dragged my grudging heinie out of bed and plopped myself down at my desk. i *blinked blinked* a while and glanced outside my window and noticed that the sky was still gray! and with a faint breeze too! i promptly checked weather.com for today's weather and it confirmed what i was hoping would be true... today's weather is finally going to be cool! *blissful sigh* gloomy weather totally cheers me up so i just wanted to record this happy moment. hehe. i know today's going to suck like an industrial sized vacuum, but somehow knowing that the weather is a bit more favorable makes everything else also seem a tad bit better. =D

thank you God. [i just typed Fod. =[ mebbe i do have a typing disability...]

my sister has this mint julep green masque that she puts on her pimples at night before she sleeps. k. for one, this masque is seriously potent... as soon as you put some on, there's this immediate burning and crazy stinging that makes your whole face tingle. two, its GREEN. a nice shade of avocado pasty light green. ahahaha. my sister is sitting behind me at her desk with 70% of her face covered in this green gook. she has this placid expression on her face and is completely oblivious to the fact that her face is speckled with green schmear. ahahaha. so freakin hilarious.

the next couple days are going to be pretty darn crazy and yet i'm blogging and wasting time again. dang. i reread what i wrote last night and it kinda scares me how inconsistent i can be. *shrug* oh wells... i guess we all have our moments.

i'm going to be up all night writing my legal studies 184 paper. yup. i am determined. my body's chock full of french vanilla coffee from 7-11 and an assortment of fatty junk food my desk is burrowed under. no joke... here's a compilation of what i have: mini powdered doughnuts, flaming hot cheetos, reeses peanut butter pieces, heath bites, sour cream and onion pringles, and a bottle of water. makes your stomach turn over in disgust, huh? =D here's my theory of too much sugar and fat and unnecessary junk in one's diet: you just gotta find a mechanism to flush all that nasty gunk out of your arteries. hence my token bottle of water. it's like those drain-o commericals where you need to pour drain-o in to unclog all that hair and snot residue and phlegm and make the pipe nice and clean again. yup.

on a sidenote... i finally found a friend in my philosophy class. this is the class where i literally chill by myself and the only time someone talked to me is when we had to do feedback assignments on a paper and one guy offered to switch papers with me. i honestly think he pitied me. but my new friend is actually my co-worker... the sole white guy amongst the other 11 asians. and he's in my section too. haha. it's the 7th week of classes and i can't understand how we didn't see each other before. ah~ never mind. it must be my "i've never seen so many white people in my life and it's too difficult to distinguish among them cuz they all look alike so i'm just going to ignore them" close-minded parochial mindset. however, exceptions can always be made. ie. the mega hot hunky ones with rippling well-oiled bodies. those definitely warrant a much more intense perusal. *yum*

i just read my daily assortment of blogs and were thoroughly amused by them. ahahaha. boys are funny.

i'm so freaking tired right now... i don't know what's been wrong with me these days. it might be that the stinkin heat is draining my energy or that i'm in the life sucks (_I_) stage right now.

i can't stand fickle people. i know i'm being selfish and hypocritical right now, but i really don't give a crap about that. and i despise feeling that there is no one that truly understands what i've been going through. i generally agree with what judy said in her blog... i've learned to keep my mouth shut cuz i find that it's difficult to trust people. or, when i do take the chance to open up, i've had it freakin thrown back in my face as if i've been *itch slapped. *ouch* so yeah, i think it's definitely true that you need to watch whatt you're saying. and it's true that only through true love can you really know a person. i guess what kinda sucks is that i realize there are many that i don't truly love, but of whom i have more of that obligated, lukewarm, half-hearted love. knowing that makes me feel sick and yet that's what i do, and i most def don't try hard enough to fix it.

i don't like how it's so difficult to really express yourself in your blogs. i hate having to reread what i've written and then edit it to make it suitable for the reading public. not that i even know who does read this or not, but i've been surprised a couple of times. *sigh* this blog is for me, and i guess that's why i initially only told a few people that i thought i could completely trust. yet those that i considered trustworthy are the ones who actually did the opposite. wow, life is so damn ironic. and then this makes me reevaluate if who i considered to be trustworthy is even someone that can be trusted at all. i don't like doubting people and short-changing them, but then i realize that by always giving them the benefit of the doubt, i'm the one who gets screwed in the end. so i have to ask myself: which is better? that i do not know, and this is what i've been majorly struggling with. i'm sick of not being taken seriously, like some idiotic ditz who's unable to grasp simple concepts. i know that i have millions of petty problems, but i was always under the impression that despite the ridiculousness of the problem, a friend is one who listens no matter what and helps you deal with it. so it hurts that supposed friends will rebuke me instead for being burdened by these petty issues and will criticize me of how wrongful a person i am. i find that most interesting. so yeah. if i'm too closed-off for you, it's necessary to take all that i've said into account. i feel there's no need to open up, especially not to those who can't or won't try to understand who i am. there isn't any reason to hide anything from those you truly love and from those who truly love you. and so it makes me realize that i have yet to obtain that love. don't think that my happy go lucky self is all that's there. beneath this dumb-looking exterior, there is someone with actual feelings and thoughts, surprising as that may sound. either make a real effort or just screw it. i'm tired.

kevin chiang is one of the funniest people i know.

i'm going to leave it at that cuz it's not right for me to disclose his most embarassing moments.
however, to pique your curiosity, here are some of the juicy subjects mentioned: female genitalia, the female reproductive system and the curses of having a tiny bladder and no self-control.

hearing someone dry heave is probably one of the most wretched sounds possible. *shudder* =[

i had ramyun today for the first time in about nine months at julie's today. it was pretty darn good. i can't remember why i haven't indulged myself in these sinfully unhealthy msg-laden delicacies that only take 6 minutes to make for so long. *drool* anyways, i have resolved to start paying more attention to the lonesome boxes of ramyun that have been neglected and uncared for during these past months.