it's raining.

*faint glimmer*

i don't understand my life. last night i was so happy. i had a great time with my family, which usually never happens cuz i'm not close to them at all. but yesterday was finally different and i was so thankful to God that he would allow me to actually have conversations with my relatives and to share my life with them.

and then... 30 minutes after i came home, any sense of joy that i was feeling before was fiercely torn from me and i end up feeling betrayed, pissed, sad, and dicked over.

and on top of that, i made an idiot of myself by calling someone to ask a question and not being able to control myself. i ended up freakin crying my eyes out to someone who doesn't even know what the hell happened. damn it. i shouldn't have let that stupid jerk get to me the way he did. life is so damn unfair... i don't get how my life can be so rocked so freakin quickly. *sigh*

God, if you're trying to teach me something, tell me what the freak it is cuz right now, i don't see how any of this can be for the better.

damn it. i've let my guard down again and all i see is how i've gotten screwed once again. it just shows you have to be prepared at all times. and i got carried away and let myself go again. damn it.

judy sewon and kristy came over last night and we had some good times. it felt good cuz i was so bummed out.
thanks guys. =D

i just came back from a class prayer meeting and denny's. i had so much fun tonight. there wasn't a lot of people... but those that were there were people that i normally don't have the chance to talk to. interacting and playing with them was great. it was really really great. like i can't express how great i feel right now. the people in my class are so awesome and beautiful... i can really see how God has worked through their lives to make them each so special and so unique. wow, i am ridiculously happy right now. =D

...

it smells like upguy.
what's upguy?

oh geez... i totally humiliated myself today in front of roy... and not even once, but THREE times! how stinkin embarassing. ahahahahaha. you know it's bad if it's to the point where all you can do is laugh helplessly while hot waves of embarassment wash over your flushed face. oh maaaaaan~ ahahahahahaha. so freakin humiliating. hahaha.

how great is God to have created the heavens as beautiful as they were tonight.

lots of blessings and good memories tonight. =]

i'm at work again... trying to memorize my 300+ vocabulary words for korean tomorrow. *sigh* but yeah.... right before work, i had a grande caramel macchiato so now i'm all jittery and anxious. icky icky.

i realize how dangerous caffeine is cuz i feel really nervous and uneasy and gassy. definitely not cool. and then i dunno why, but i'm really sad cuz looking at all these words makes me realize it's pretty hopeless that i'll do well on this test tomorrow. i hate it when you suddenly get hit by sadness and you don't know what to do about it.

however, on a much happier note, i was rummaging around in my hair while absentmindedly studying, and i found a pubie. =] that made me really excited cuz i haven't found a good pubie for quite some time now [i think it's cuz my hair's too thin]. discovering it, pulling it out, and now touching it is totally making me happy again. hurray.

i'm at work right now, meaning that i'm sitting here reading people's away messages and catching up on my daily dose of reading people's blogs.

i must say... reading blogs is quite a favorite pastime of mine. and i like how everyone is starting to put up those ned stats thingies and comments. i like reading people's blogs and then looking at the stats thingie, and then figuring out which one i was and then seeing how many times i've read and contributed to the number of hits one gets a day. i'm a very loyal and avid reader. =]

thanks to a couple of nice people who took the time to appease some of my doubts and apprehensions by answering some questions and providing further explanations.

and thank you God for providing me this opportunity to understand you better and to reaffirm my belief in your amazing love. =]

oh crap. just kidding. my sister just told me that she's 19. and then reminded me that i was 20. oops.

happy 19th birthday susan.

i just came back from small group feeling confused and a little worried.

in addition to the lesson, we had a lengthy discussion about predestination. janet, the sophie, raised all these interesting points and questions that i could relate to. i dunno. i have a lot of questions in my head and i don't know how to articulate what i'm feeling. i just pray that i'll have the chance to learn more about it and understand it better. i feel a little concerned at the moment however. stupid stuff really... but what if? *sigh*

btw~
happy 20th birthday sujaaaaan kum!

i love the rain.

i think cuz it was raining today a majority of people decided not to show up for my sections... which worked to my benefit cuz i FINALLY contributed to my english section for the first time today. wOw. i can't believe i finally did. =] *pat pat* on the back for me. and in my makeup philosophy section i was like the first and only student in the room for about 4 minutes with the gsi. so i had a nice vague chat with her on life in general cuz i obviously haven't read any ancient philosophy since september. and in korean, i was alone with the professor and a few other students for about 5 minutes so we were just babbling with each other about stupid stuff. needless to say, it felt really good having the opportunity to just chit chat with my different teachers today. made me happy. =T

a black guy came into the center and just hit on me. he was all flirtatious and having fun and stuff. sheesh. so i flashed my brilliant and radiantly-fake-leave-me-alone-please-smile and hoped he'd go away.

hmm... i wonder what it was that could have attracted him to me. here's a hunch: i think it might have been my full and voluptuous lips. accentuated by the fatty cold sore on my upper right lip, my mouth looks very pouty and mysterious right now. *snort snort wink wink*

i just got back from denny's with sewon after unsuccessfully trying to study for my korean test. =[ bah. but yeah~ around 1am a couple sat right behind us and they had this intense conversation about their relationship. and cuz i was back to back with the guy and cuz they spoke sort of loudly, i couldn't help but overhear most of their conversation. it left a bittersweet feeling in my heart.

the basic synopsis: they've been in a two year long affair with each other and she doesn't understand why he can't tell his real gf about the two of them. he apparently keeps saying that he has, but she reveals that in fact he hasn't since they have to still sneak around to see each other. she's accepted that he's the one man in her life but for some reason, he can't seem to commit to one woman. she has a kid and whenever the guy sleeps over he needs to leave before the kid gets up for school, but the kid pretty much knows already who the guy is. what the girl has a problem with is that her kid even knows about the two of them and his current gf doesn't. she suggested that maybe they should end the whole thing and he got pissed at her, asking her why she had to go and say such a stupid thing. she questioned his love for her and he repeatedly asserted that he did love her, with a flat and emotionless voice. you could tell she really loved him by the way she talked to him with that patient tone of voice that only someone in love can have. the guy however, was very abrupt and brusque with her, often exclaiming that she should watch her mouth and that she couldn't possibly understand why he wasn't able to break up with his current gf.

conclusion: it's scary to see how love can make people so blind and how it makes people willing to sacrifice themselves for the ones they love. *sigh*

the topic of relationships have been coming up frequently in conversations recently... been thinking more about them lately. more to say about this later, but not now.

been thinking a lot and getting overwhelmed already... which is bad cuz i just got back from retreat only a couple days ago. *shrug* oh wells.

anyways, here's something i realized. i need to stop worrying about stupid things like the past and need to start focusing on others around me. i need to stop fixating on certain things and instead, make the best use of what i do have and work with that instead. *sigh* i guess that means i need to stop longing for the past and for what things could have once been.

there's so much i'm feeling right now, and it's so difficult to articulate what i'm feeling. but God really answered a lot of my prayers in terms of finding a focus in my life and rekindling my passion for him. i think this was the first time i was genuinely focused on God and Him alone. Pastor Eugene's sermons were awesome... i feel blessed to have such a great servant of God teaching God's word. isn't it amazing how when you need it the most, God's love and glory is radiantly shown? =] retreat had a lot of good memories.

so retreat's in a few hours and i dunno what i 'm feeling. i hope that this retreat will be a blessing and humbling time for me... something for me to get reacquainted with God again.

just came back from not studying at denny's. i was fighting some major sleepiness and when i finally overcame it to start studying, stinkin john song started talking about the ring. =[ that in turn encouraged roy, alex, and kristy to participate in a conversation about all sorts of scary shenanigans and which basically ruined any remote possibility of doing my korean homework.

oh~ i saw two dogs having sex today. it was weird, but kinda fascinating... it was right outside cafe milano on bancroft. people passing by did the following: stopped and openly stared, glared disapprovingly at the dogs while walking by, looked away feeling embarassed, and hurriedly walked by, or started grinning and cheering the dogs on. it was really quite interesting. if i was a psychologist i'd analyze people's reactions to that sex scene and use it to explain personalities and how those with certain personalities would perform in bed.

it's kinda fun to see how long my body can function with a mere hour of sleep all day. being faint and lightheaded and having random dreams sporadically during lectures is always interesting.

i saw tammy today by accident. i didn't even know she was up and for some reason, i was the only person who didn't see her at church yesterday. nevertheless it was really great to see her again. peggy, josei, jane kim, kristy, tammy and i went to mario's for lunch and it was so much fun. i never eat out for lunch anymore cuz i'm usually sitting by my lonesome self during my horrid one hour breaks at bear's lair people watching or dreaming about going home. so this was a real treat for me. =D and afterwards, we took this touristy picture at sproul fountain. i haven't taken a happy picture for a really long time. =]

after class i went with josei and rob to his place until we went to ehouse. john song came home and he did the most fascinating thing. he went pee pee with his backpack still on. ahahaha. gosh, i don't know why, but that freakin amazed me... for some reason, i thought boys took off their backpacks before peeing like chicks do. but it totally makes sense that they keep their backpacks on so that their hands are free to do their business. ok, i just wanted to remember that. i think this lesson will come in handy someday.

i watched the ac transit boys play bball today. wow. they're so awesome. =] john song made like a hundred lay up shots. is that what they're called? *shrug* and i had pom-poms! *shake shake shake* =D

wow. this has got to be one of the worst papers i have ever written.

it's about 2:30 right now and i just made up my thesis. i think. it sucks incredibly. i hate papers. argh. i only have 6 hours to crank out something kind of intelligible on something i don't know anything about. darn.

note to self: buy more no-doz. i've run out already. =[