A reminder to not be so hesitant to take opportunities. Welcomed solitude and immersed deep thought only to be interrupted halfway down. Wondering why it is I'm so afraid to say goodbye.

"opportunities create you, not the other way around"

This is Mike Sim.


He has the largest hands I have ever seen on a Korean boy. I could not stop staring at his hands all throughout dinner.


Look at how his pinky finger is the same size of my index finger.



My last final ever at Berkeley in just a few hours. Whew.

The days are just flying by and I'm finding that each day here left in Berkeley needs to be treasured. This past weekend, I was able to re-visit some favorite places, create new memories, and was forced to say some very difficult goodbyes. And keeping my emotions under control is becoming more challenging every day.


Monterey Bay Aquarium, Carmel, Golden Gate Bridge: I've loved the opportunities I've had to spend time with my cousins this summer. But after two days with my baby cousins, I've been having second thoughts about my previous resolution to have my five children in a yearly succession.



Nursery: My initial motivations for serving in nursery were very selfish and prideful ones [I'm getting Andy's "Serving Small" tingles]. I can't explain it well, but reflecting on these past two years, I can see how much I've grown in reliance and faith from the relationships I've developed from the babies and the teachers, even though I thought I was the one offering my help to nursery. Everything always seems to work out that in that twisted and ironic sort of way.



Jane's 22nd Birthday: I've known Jane Kim now for at least half of my life. I consider myself so blessed for such a loving friend who has stuck by me despite all my faults and my shortcomings. Look at how beautiful she is. =]

Stinson Beach is beautiful.


I like this picture a lot.


Yes, we are cool.


Yes, that spells the word "food."


Babies + bellies + beach = Happy Jahndee. =]

I ate dinner with Janet at Asqew Grill at Bay Street. When I went up to order, the guy asked me, "May I help you, sir?" I didn't know what to say so I just stood there until he looked askance and saw what I can only imagine as sadness and horror on my face.


I've most reluctantly become unfazed by graphic sexual imagery. Thanks, Kenny. I'm sure you take great pride in knowing that you're responsible for this.

My last VBS ever. I can't believe it. I've been incredibly blessed for being able to serve for three consecutive summers, and I'm thankful that every year, I'm reminded of just how much He loves each and every one of us.

VBS 2004: The Race is On =]
Thursday night: Albert's comment about not wanting to brush his teeth and feeling my insides wanting to upchuck the delicious dinner the parents prepared in sheer disgust. John Song and I spending over 30 minutes on one poster, yet proudly declaring it to be the best looking flag ever. Richard trying to join our team because he knew it was the best. Talking about random stuff with John Song and being glad for the opportunity to be able to talk. Finding out that there's a typo on our green VBS shirts. Asking everyone for advice on how to paint our railroad sign and Kwansoo's genius suggestion to use pale yellow. Trying to count out pieces of candy for the kids only to have Carolina help me. 307. Being unable to guess any of the Bible Taboo questions. John Song and I being nice and outlining the finished posters with black marker. Wanting to leave the earliest, but ending up staying the longest.

Friday: Not being grumpy in the morning. Dennis' purple tights and his leg hair poking out of them. Realizing that my one 2nd grade girl wasn't here. Not understanding Pastor Chang's messages because they were too advanced. Playing with Heidi instead and trying to help her make her butterfly magnet. Getting exasperated at Heidi because she wanted everything Isaiah was using and didn't want to share. Disgusted that Heidi likes boys so much and that her newest favorite ended up being Kwansoo. "Crayon." Kwansoo, Heidi, and rubber band. Heidi thinking it was her birthday and not Nathan's. One of the largest cakes I've ever seen. Poking the cake and licking the frosting. Richard used to wipe his mouth on his shirt's sleeves. Nicole calling me Teacher Candy. Kwansoo and John Yi's amazing freezing game and having Joshua and Andrew be frozen for over 16 minutes. Nicole sharing her Smarties with Madison. Nicole having 4 different girls make her stars. Joanna's amazingly creative skit that rhymed. Talking with Jenny and Sharon in the baby room and wishing we had more chances like this during college. Sharon and I eating about 8 pieces of chicken each. Trying to bribe Sydney to play with me. Watching John Chae almost throw up twice when eating the meal worm. Isaac's unbearable snoring, snarling, and grunting.

Saturday: Meeting Iris, Cory, and Emily. Discussing birthdays with them. Sharon making fun of my tail bone. Finally having a student only to have her think she was in the 1st grade. Joining classes with Joanna. I like Joanna. Watching Iris, Sarah, and Esther pose prettily for the camera like little models. I like ketchup. Being amazed at how young Kimmy's mother looked. Packing lunch with Albert Kae and insisting on using the Saran Wrap. Bindi. =[ Watching Kristy and Sharon play ping-pong and watching Kristy continually lying to the kids to prevent them from playing. John Chae and Kristy's intense ping-pong game. Going to the park one last time only to find it dark, cold, and gloomy. Sitting with Sewon, Sharon, and Carolina and yabbering like ajummas. Making a candy assembly line. Watching the junior guys beat all the other guys in tug-of-war. Danny's amazingly high jump in the air. Watching the kids spit into the water when trying to grab their letters. Stephanie sad because a boy accidentally spit into her hair. Saying "No" to Pastor Eugene's request. Telling Stephanie to throw her water balloons at John Song and Kwansoo. Shivering, miserable kids. Hearing Sarah and Sumi talk about boys, boys, boys. Jandre thinking he was prettier than all the girls at VBS. Jandre and his Hosanna motions. Tired boys all sleeping. An anti-climactic ending. Lee's Buffet. The most disgusting pineapples ever. Older guys preferring quality over quantity. I like Jandre. A fried banana that looked like don-katsu. Who knew that Advil was not just for headaches? Watching movies with the significant other vs. watching movies with friends.

I am an emotional mess. John S. Kim and Edwin's "The Hammer Holds." David Kim. Madison and Sydney. Heidi and Theodore.

It's coming to an end much too quickly. =[

jAhNdEe aT wOrK: gosh
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: im so annoyed
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: how did this happen
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: its th woerst time to happen to also
bCxaNgeL143: yea
bCxaNgeL143: but u don't take care of ur body
bCxaNgeL143: it's gonna fail u now, if not later
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: stupid retared body
bCxaNgeL143: hahaha
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: really
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: WHY do i have the wrost luck
bCxaNgeL143: hey man, i'm in the same boat
bCxaNgeL143: nothing in my (our) lives ever runs smoothly
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: thats true
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: =[
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: why, do you think??
bCxaNgeL143: yea
bCxaNgeL143: it's God's will that we meet
bCxaNgeL143: He put two unfortunate souls together to keep each other accountable
bCxaNgeL143: sigh
bCxaNgeL143: what can we do?
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: isnt it so sad though?
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: to lok at our pathetic lives?
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: for once, i wish something went smoothly
bCxaNgeL143: did i tell u?
bCxaNgeL143: on thursday, i was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO annoyed
bCxaNgeL143: b/c i went to costco right after class
bCxaNgeL143: and then i entered costco
bCxaNgeL143: and the man that stands by the door ran after me and kicked me out of the store
bCxaNgeL143: b/c i'm a "gold star member" and not business
bCxaNgeL143: and i couldn't get in til 11
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: hahahahah
bCxaNgeL143: so i had to wait in the car til 11
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: hahahah
bCxaNgeL143: so for an hour, i studied in my car
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: that sso sad
bCxaNgeL143: i was sooo annoyed
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: =[
bCxaNgeL143: and then...
bCxaNgeL143: i go in and they don't even have the memory card i wanted
bCxaNgeL143: i was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo mad
bCxaNgeL143: the only reason i bought the memory card was b/c i didn't want to have waited in the parking lot for nothing, yanno?
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: yeah
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: you could have gone home by 11
bCxaNgeL143: u would think we'd get used to life just playing a practical joke on us by now
bCxaNgeL143: but everytime, i still get annoyed
bCxaNgeL143: sigh
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: me too
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: the costco chicken and wild rice experience got me really sad
bCxaNgeL143: hAHAHAHAHAHa
bCxaNgeL143: ooooh that reminds me of gomtang
bCxaNgeL143: :-(
bCxaNgeL143: i want their kim chee
jAhNdEe aT wOrK: gomtang would be sooooooooooo good rihgtnow
bCxaNgeL143: yea!!!!

Thank you, Andy Chon for fixing my archives. =] I've been having fun re-reading my old posts and reminiscing. And I promise to publish more often.

Sewon, Jane Kim, and I visited Julie and her family in Vacaville. I really wish we did it sooner with the rest of the nursery folk. I had so much fun just chatting with Julie and Kook and playing house with Hailey and Morgan. Julie makes the best lemon bars and biscotti ever. When we asked Julie what the one thing was that she loved the most about Kook, she instead told us one of his most annoying habits. We also finally discovered the secret to Kook's coolness. As we were leaving, I realized that this visit was the last time I would ever be able to see Hailey or Morgan again. I absolutely adore these kids and I can't believe that it really was time for me to say goodbye to them. Look at how beautiful they are.

Hearing Justin McRoberts made me wish that I had enough balls to go see him last year, but very thankful that another opportunity presented itself. I find myself again unable to articulate exactly how I felt tonight so instead I'll list a myriad of miscellaneous thoughts and words that I gained from this experience: feeling very thankful, happy, and blessed, a reminder to use our brokenness to reach those around us, a reminder of Christ's unconditional love, "Love is a decision", to make every single day matter (for example, by not dealing with "stupid boys"), to not live a good and perfect life, but to simply live life well, to measure success in life as simply having the faith to follow Jesus Christ, "People who don't have, have one another."

 
I was also struck again by the extreme patience and tolerance that guys can have for girls. I was positive that something would be said or done to provoke Billy Ku, but he was surprisingly very amiable and cordial the entire night. It was actually a bit unnerving, but nevertheless still nice. I will never forget Billy Ku and Kwansoo playing house and acting like our pseudo-mother and father by taking care of us and carting us about wherever we pleased, albeit I'm sure, it was much to their chagrin. =T

Endless cookies. Nicole. Communication is essential in a relationship. A desire and need to do the digestion dance curbed by the intense Mario Kart and EA car racing playing. Sore thumbs with indented patterns on them. A Tigger Mosaic puzzle and completing 5 pieces in 4 hours. Discovering that those I trust still have big mouths. A reminder again to not have so many expectations of friends.

I think I've finally realized the danger of walking home alone at night and have realized just how scary it is to have to do so. 
 
Yes, it took me over 4 years of college to realize this. Yes, I am the biggest idiot. Yes, all the "I told you so"s and "What did I say?"s are ringing in my head. Yes, I am reminiscing about a particular comic strip accurately depicting my stupidity. Yes, I am currently picturing three beloved hot potatoes who I'm positive will kill me if I ever tell them this.

But better late than never, right?

It's nice when a guy takes the heavy shopping bag from your hands without asking you first.

It's been a while since a guy has left a positive and favorable impression on me. Tonight I realized why I like David so much. I respect and admire David immensely for his selflessness, his patience, his humbleness, for the little things he does to make one feel comfortable and at ease, for his insight and wisdom, and for his genuine love and kindness manifested into his everyday actions. It is actions, and not words, which reveal a person's true heart.

Over this past year, I've become very cynical and disillusioned about boy-girl friendships and have generally lost faith in them. But while at Bing Ling's, I came across an article which temporarily fostered a tiny bit of hope. And then that hope dissipated when I realized that things like this can only happen in imaginary little worlds where people think that I can be fun and nice, and simple honesty and love underlie the meaning of our lives.
 
 
"Those moments when you can't bear another instant of whatever it is that makes them... well, them. Worse still are the times when you see they've used up all their patience for you. But as with any friendship, you each put up with the idiosyncrasies and annoyances for as long as the relationship feeds you, for as long as it seems worth it. That's the verdict, really. I'm still friends with her because she's worth it. I continue to listen and give, even when I'm exhausted, because I know she will do the same for me."

I went to Ruth's Chris for the very first time tonight. The food was undoubtedly delicious, but the company was the highlight of the night for me. I learned something new today about steak: If I cut up all my pieces of meat before eating it, the meat will get cold faster, thus resulting in a not as satisfying Ruth's Chris experience. I will also remember tonight as being one of the very few and precious moments where I was able to triumphantly trump every single one of Kwansoo's fallacious and erroneous comments about me. Indeed it was a very exciting night.

We have real cable now so I've made the resolution to maximize it for the remaining month that I have here at Berkeley and to leave the apartment as little as possible. Unfortunately, I have yet to take advantage of it so while I sit here miserably at work, Esther and Sewon are generously fulfilling my wish and watching my cable tv instead of me.

Kpxgrlx012: it mus thave been tough for you
samoanboy72: yeah
samoanboy72: i was actually contemplating whethe or not i should move back to LA to be w/my mom
samoanboy72: but she told me that i should go back to nyc and continue on w/my life
Kpxgrlx012: wow
Kpxgrlx012: your mother's a strong woman
samoanboy72: she is
samoanboy72: i love her so much
samoanboy72: =0)



Kpxgrlx012: so next year ill come visit oaky?
samoanboy72: definitely!!!
Kpxgrlx012: it sounds so far away
samoanboy72: it's not so far away
samoanboy72: it's soooo much fun
samoanboy72: =0)
Kpxgrlx012: hahaha
Kpxgrlx012: yes
Kpxgrlx012: we will haev ltos of fun
samoanboy72: definitely
Kpxgrlx012: you can show me around to all your hangouts
samoanboy72: ahhh yes
samoanboy72: i'll take you to the hot spots
Kpxgrlx012: hahaha
Kpxgrlx012: i'm already imaging how crazy you get
Kpxgrlx012: ahahahahaha
Kpxgrlx012: i remember those whitney dances
samoanboy72: oh indeed
samoanboy72: i'm even crazier
samoanboy72: hahaha
samoanboy72: esp when i'm drunk
samoanboy72: i'm a big fat ho
samoanboy72: hahaha
Kpxgrlx012: HAHAHAHA
samoanboy72: fo real
samoanboy72: hahaha
Kpxgrlx012: =D
Kpxgrlx012: i really cant wait
Kpxgrlx012: hahaha
Kpxgrlx012: but its in about 6 months
samoanboy72: the time will fly by
samoanboy72: it already has
samoanboy72: think about it in 8 years we'll be 30

It's crazy how everything can change within such a short period of time. Sigh. Keep your head up, Tame. Six months isn't that long a time. I'll see you soon, buddy. =]

Who would have thought that the post office actually sold envelopes?

More revelations about the Kum family:
-None of us are musically inclined, except Brandon and Kirsten who are forced to play for us during Christmas.
-None of us are physically active, except Eugene who�s good at snowboarding, and Eunice�s mom, who's good at golfing.
-Eunice and I both like to douse everything with hot sauce.
-Edwin and my sister are both completely useless when in comes to anything.

I bought a travel book for Sweden today. But the cover is so ugly, I've lost any incentive I initially had to read it.

I always thought that I was relatively comfortable with the idea of physical contact with members of the opposite sex. But then I realized that after four years of being around the boys who I've been around, most of my interaction has drastically been reduced to hugs or the pummeling of their arms with my fists in angry retaliation of an insulting or stupid remark made about me. I realized even more today how much I dislike boys touching me. Stupid boys.

I've forgotten how nice it is to drive down to the Marina to absorb its beauty and to just openly talk.


"And it was during those moments where I realized that my head and my heart were believing in two very different things."


One day, I'll be able to finally sample the Chicken with White and Wild Rice from Costco. And that'll be a very happy day indeed.