i just got back from denny's with sewon after unsuccessfully trying to study for my korean test. =[ bah. but yeah~ around 1am a couple sat right behind us and they had this intense conversation about their relationship. and cuz i was back to back with the guy and cuz they spoke sort of loudly, i couldn't help but overhear most of their conversation. it left a bittersweet feeling in my heart.

the basic synopsis: they've been in a two year long affair with each other and she doesn't understand why he can't tell his real gf about the two of them. he apparently keeps saying that he has, but she reveals that in fact he hasn't since they have to still sneak around to see each other. she's accepted that he's the one man in her life but for some reason, he can't seem to commit to one woman. she has a kid and whenever the guy sleeps over he needs to leave before the kid gets up for school, but the kid pretty much knows already who the guy is. what the girl has a problem with is that her kid even knows about the two of them and his current gf doesn't. she suggested that maybe they should end the whole thing and he got pissed at her, asking her why she had to go and say such a stupid thing. she questioned his love for her and he repeatedly asserted that he did love her, with a flat and emotionless voice. you could tell she really loved him by the way she talked to him with that patient tone of voice that only someone in love can have. the guy however, was very abrupt and brusque with her, often exclaiming that she should watch her mouth and that she couldn't possibly understand why he wasn't able to break up with his current gf.

conclusion: it's scary to see how love can make people so blind and how it makes people willing to sacrifice themselves for the ones they love. *sigh*

the topic of relationships have been coming up frequently in conversations recently... been thinking more about them lately. more to say about this later, but not now.

been thinking a lot and getting overwhelmed already... which is bad cuz i just got back from retreat only a couple days ago. *shrug* oh wells.

anyways, here's something i realized. i need to stop worrying about stupid things like the past and need to start focusing on others around me. i need to stop fixating on certain things and instead, make the best use of what i do have and work with that instead. *sigh* i guess that means i need to stop longing for the past and for what things could have once been.

there's so much i'm feeling right now, and it's so difficult to articulate what i'm feeling. but God really answered a lot of my prayers in terms of finding a focus in my life and rekindling my passion for him. i think this was the first time i was genuinely focused on God and Him alone. Pastor Eugene's sermons were awesome... i feel blessed to have such a great servant of God teaching God's word. isn't it amazing how when you need it the most, God's love and glory is radiantly shown? =] retreat had a lot of good memories.

so retreat's in a few hours and i dunno what i 'm feeling. i hope that this retreat will be a blessing and humbling time for me... something for me to get reacquainted with God again.

just came back from not studying at denny's. i was fighting some major sleepiness and when i finally overcame it to start studying, stinkin john song started talking about the ring. =[ that in turn encouraged roy, alex, and kristy to participate in a conversation about all sorts of scary shenanigans and which basically ruined any remote possibility of doing my korean homework.

oh~ i saw two dogs having sex today. it was weird, but kinda fascinating... it was right outside cafe milano on bancroft. people passing by did the following: stopped and openly stared, glared disapprovingly at the dogs while walking by, looked away feeling embarassed, and hurriedly walked by, or started grinning and cheering the dogs on. it was really quite interesting. if i was a psychologist i'd analyze people's reactions to that sex scene and use it to explain personalities and how those with certain personalities would perform in bed.

it's kinda fun to see how long my body can function with a mere hour of sleep all day. being faint and lightheaded and having random dreams sporadically during lectures is always interesting.

i saw tammy today by accident. i didn't even know she was up and for some reason, i was the only person who didn't see her at church yesterday. nevertheless it was really great to see her again. peggy, josei, jane kim, kristy, tammy and i went to mario's for lunch and it was so much fun. i never eat out for lunch anymore cuz i'm usually sitting by my lonesome self during my horrid one hour breaks at bear's lair people watching or dreaming about going home. so this was a real treat for me. =D and afterwards, we took this touristy picture at sproul fountain. i haven't taken a happy picture for a really long time. =]

after class i went with josei and rob to his place until we went to ehouse. john song came home and he did the most fascinating thing. he went pee pee with his backpack still on. ahahaha. gosh, i don't know why, but that freakin amazed me... for some reason, i thought boys took off their backpacks before peeing like chicks do. but it totally makes sense that they keep their backpacks on so that their hands are free to do their business. ok, i just wanted to remember that. i think this lesson will come in handy someday.

i watched the ac transit boys play bball today. wow. they're so awesome. =] john song made like a hundred lay up shots. is that what they're called? *shrug* and i had pom-poms! *shake shake shake* =D

wow. this has got to be one of the worst papers i have ever written.

it's about 2:30 right now and i just made up my thesis. i think. it sucks incredibly. i hate papers. argh. i only have 6 hours to crank out something kind of intelligible on something i don't know anything about. darn.

note to self: buy more no-doz. i've run out already. =[

have you ever been so tired you feel like collapsing? so tired that even as you just sit there everything feels overbearing and heavy? so tired that you feel the sharp tingle of unshed tears while you furiously blink to prevent them from escaping? *sigh* i dunno what it is. actually, there's a lot... physically i'm exhausted, mentally i'm strained, spiritually i'm beat. i'm just so tired of everything that i feel it's easier for me to stop trying and just let life simply sweep over me. why fight an already lost battle against the strong current? it's just so much easier to go along with the flow...

i didn't want to stay for nursery today. aside from my physical and emotional exhausation, i honestly felt like i wasn't in the proper mindset and heart to serve today. i justified this by thinking to myself that heidi, the baby i take care of, doesn't even know me and cries at the mere sight of me. i know that it's just attachment issues and she's difficult to handle, but it's still discouraging. every sunday i've helplessly watched the gwon sa neem take care of her and i feel so useless trailing after the two. i guess that's why i wanted to leave today. i do little things like pick up crumbled napkins and retrieve toys, but i don't feel like that's a way of truly serving. i dunno. good thing andy rebuked me and reminded me that this was a committment. which i already knew and which was why i was torn between what i should do. i think i secretly knew that i would stay today though. it's selfish of me to try to justify myself. i guess no matter how much life sucks, if it's for God's glory you gotta deal with its suckiness.

it's just so incredibly hard...

The Lord answered and said, "Have u seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands. She already heals herself when she is sick & can work 18 hour days."

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "but you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made Her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish. The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

gina~
i hope you've been taking care of yourself. i miss you.

KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i just need alone time i guess
Kpxgrlx012: how come?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i dunno
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i wish life was simple
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: and i could just devote to God
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: then i wouldn't even hafta worry bout anythin else

i was really humbled today.

i realize what a selfish and shameful person i am that i have taken so many of God's blessings for granted.
i definitely don't give enough thanks for all of God's generous provisions.
it's these little reminders that truly open your eyes.

...

roy, i don't think i can fully express how happy i am for you. *toothy grin*

Bo0gGies16: yo'ure great
Auto response from Kpxgrlx012: at work. leave something nice cuz i'm gonna be here for a while.
Bo0gGies16: ok did my job
Bo0gGies16: tootles! =D

after an 8 hour shift it's nice to have something to smile about =D hehe.

sometimes i wish i could just get a hug from a friend. no questions asked, only awaiting open arms. *sigh* life is just too complicated sometimes and it's amazing how something so simple as a hug can somehow chase away those complications. to be held and to hold someone you sincerely care about... that's one of the best feelings in the world cuz it enables you to feel safe and secure.

i don't think i've really felt safe since eli, paul, and noah were here. =/

this is my second all nighter in a row. what sucks besides the lack of sleep is that i wasn't even that productive. i don't understand how i can work so slowly. i think my brain must be as smooth as a baby's butt. haha. i can imagine certain people readily nodding their heads in agreement as they're reading this... hahaha.

here's one good thing that i know i'm going to love about today despite that i'm still not done with my paper and am not entirely prepared for my midterm. i just took a quickie nap from about 6:45-7:45 which was actually kinda pointless cuz i was distressed and restless. anyways, i got up, dragged my grudging heinie out of bed and plopped myself down at my desk. i *blinked blinked* a while and glanced outside my window and noticed that the sky was still gray! and with a faint breeze too! i promptly checked weather.com for today's weather and it confirmed what i was hoping would be true... today's weather is finally going to be cool! *blissful sigh* gloomy weather totally cheers me up so i just wanted to record this happy moment. hehe. i know today's going to suck like an industrial sized vacuum, but somehow knowing that the weather is a bit more favorable makes everything else also seem a tad bit better. =D

thank you God. [i just typed Fod. =[ mebbe i do have a typing disability...]

my sister has this mint julep green masque that she puts on her pimples at night before she sleeps. k. for one, this masque is seriously potent... as soon as you put some on, there's this immediate burning and crazy stinging that makes your whole face tingle. two, its GREEN. a nice shade of avocado pasty light green. ahahaha. my sister is sitting behind me at her desk with 70% of her face covered in this green gook. she has this placid expression on her face and is completely oblivious to the fact that her face is speckled with green schmear. ahahaha. so freakin hilarious.

the next couple days are going to be pretty darn crazy and yet i'm blogging and wasting time again. dang. i reread what i wrote last night and it kinda scares me how inconsistent i can be. *shrug* oh wells... i guess we all have our moments.

i'm going to be up all night writing my legal studies 184 paper. yup. i am determined. my body's chock full of french vanilla coffee from 7-11 and an assortment of fatty junk food my desk is burrowed under. no joke... here's a compilation of what i have: mini powdered doughnuts, flaming hot cheetos, reeses peanut butter pieces, heath bites, sour cream and onion pringles, and a bottle of water. makes your stomach turn over in disgust, huh? =D here's my theory of too much sugar and fat and unnecessary junk in one's diet: you just gotta find a mechanism to flush all that nasty gunk out of your arteries. hence my token bottle of water. it's like those drain-o commericals where you need to pour drain-o in to unclog all that hair and snot residue and phlegm and make the pipe nice and clean again. yup.

on a sidenote... i finally found a friend in my philosophy class. this is the class where i literally chill by myself and the only time someone talked to me is when we had to do feedback assignments on a paper and one guy offered to switch papers with me. i honestly think he pitied me. but my new friend is actually my co-worker... the sole white guy amongst the other 11 asians. and he's in my section too. haha. it's the 7th week of classes and i can't understand how we didn't see each other before. ah~ never mind. it must be my "i've never seen so many white people in my life and it's too difficult to distinguish among them cuz they all look alike so i'm just going to ignore them" close-minded parochial mindset. however, exceptions can always be made. ie. the mega hot hunky ones with rippling well-oiled bodies. those definitely warrant a much more intense perusal. *yum*

i just read my daily assortment of blogs and were thoroughly amused by them. ahahaha. boys are funny.

i'm so freaking tired right now... i don't know what's been wrong with me these days. it might be that the stinkin heat is draining my energy or that i'm in the life sucks (_I_) stage right now.

i can't stand fickle people. i know i'm being selfish and hypocritical right now, but i really don't give a crap about that. and i despise feeling that there is no one that truly understands what i've been going through. i generally agree with what judy said in her blog... i've learned to keep my mouth shut cuz i find that it's difficult to trust people. or, when i do take the chance to open up, i've had it freakin thrown back in my face as if i've been *itch slapped. *ouch* so yeah, i think it's definitely true that you need to watch whatt you're saying. and it's true that only through true love can you really know a person. i guess what kinda sucks is that i realize there are many that i don't truly love, but of whom i have more of that obligated, lukewarm, half-hearted love. knowing that makes me feel sick and yet that's what i do, and i most def don't try hard enough to fix it.

i don't like how it's so difficult to really express yourself in your blogs. i hate having to reread what i've written and then edit it to make it suitable for the reading public. not that i even know who does read this or not, but i've been surprised a couple of times. *sigh* this blog is for me, and i guess that's why i initially only told a few people that i thought i could completely trust. yet those that i considered trustworthy are the ones who actually did the opposite. wow, life is so damn ironic. and then this makes me reevaluate if who i considered to be trustworthy is even someone that can be trusted at all. i don't like doubting people and short-changing them, but then i realize that by always giving them the benefit of the doubt, i'm the one who gets screwed in the end. so i have to ask myself: which is better? that i do not know, and this is what i've been majorly struggling with. i'm sick of not being taken seriously, like some idiotic ditz who's unable to grasp simple concepts. i know that i have millions of petty problems, but i was always under the impression that despite the ridiculousness of the problem, a friend is one who listens no matter what and helps you deal with it. so it hurts that supposed friends will rebuke me instead for being burdened by these petty issues and will criticize me of how wrongful a person i am. i find that most interesting. so yeah. if i'm too closed-off for you, it's necessary to take all that i've said into account. i feel there's no need to open up, especially not to those who can't or won't try to understand who i am. there isn't any reason to hide anything from those you truly love and from those who truly love you. and so it makes me realize that i have yet to obtain that love. don't think that my happy go lucky self is all that's there. beneath this dumb-looking exterior, there is someone with actual feelings and thoughts, surprising as that may sound. either make a real effort or just screw it. i'm tired.

kevin chiang is one of the funniest people i know.

i'm going to leave it at that cuz it's not right for me to disclose his most embarassing moments.
however, to pique your curiosity, here are some of the juicy subjects mentioned: female genitalia, the female reproductive system and the curses of having a tiny bladder and no self-control.

hearing someone dry heave is probably one of the most wretched sounds possible. *shudder* =[

i had ramyun today for the first time in about nine months at julie's today. it was pretty darn good. i can't remember why i haven't indulged myself in these sinfully unhealthy msg-laden delicacies that only take 6 minutes to make for so long. *drool* anyways, i have resolved to start paying more attention to the lonesome boxes of ramyun that have been neglected and uncared for during these past months.

i had a whatevers day today but things definitely picked up toward the end. =]

i was mortified today when my sister and i were being lazy bums and decided to drive to gpb for ficb. unfortunately i don't possess the mental capacity and deftness to parallel park. [i would like to add that i do know how to parallel park if it involves one car and i need to park either in front or back of it] anyways, after about ten minutes of trying to park while listening to my sister bark orders and make rude comments, i see sammy walking down the street towards us. this is what happened... my sister said hi, and then he said hi, paused, bent his body over 90 degrees, peered into the front passenger window, spotted me looking back at him in helpless embarassment, straightened his body out, threw his head back, and proceeded to burst into one of the most obnoxious laughters i have ever heard. psh. unfortunately i could not screech at him for his audacity to laugh at me because i needed him to park for me. too bad it took him all of like 15 seconds to park. too bad i looked like an idiot. and too bad mejeld, who's single purpose in life is to annoy the ddong out of me, happened to be across the street and happened to witness the whole thing. hooray, i say.

anyways, i think our class meeting went well tonight. it seemed like we finally got some serious talking done and the fact that so many people were able to voice their different opinions and were comfortable enough to do so made me happy.

i also finally got to spend some quality time with judy since what seems like forever. we ended up eating fat guy feasts at la burrita at midnight. she's a silly girl. this is her mentality: she knows that she can finish the whole thing, but she doesn't want to, so she basically dissects her burrito and ends up throwing away about 1/3 of it. my mentality: la burrita is freak nasty delicious anytime so enjoy it heartily and regret the consequences of waking up with a puffy face and bloated tummy the next morning.

ahh~ but here is the definite highlight of tonight. one of the nicest gestures i have ever seen from andy chon: the soundtrack from sweet home alabama. oh. and the nail file. =D thanks buddy. i'm glad i have such a cool friend who can get cool paraphernalia and is generous enough to share a lil bit of that coolness with me.

i've been having very terrible and disturbing dreams for the past few days. it's weird cuz i'm not prone to remember my dreams when i wake up but these past few nights, it's kinda creepy to know with how much recollection and clarity i'm able to remember them. maybe's its because they're about my friends... and that the things happening to them are so awful that i'm in a state of shock when i wake up and am forced to remember. like one dream i had involved this girl friend of mine and we got into this horrendous fight involving screaming at the top of our lungs and for me, the brink of cussing her out. i think back even now and the emotions that i felt in the dream i can still feel now... trying to hold back the rage and literally wanting to strangle her and hurt her. it's so intense. and yet another dream, where one brother murdered his brother and then killed himself. i can still remember finding the older brother's freshly stabbed body and i can still feel the warm blood on my hands. and i can still feel the shock and horror of finding the body and i can hear myself screaming when i touched the body. it's so realistic... i woke up from my second dream out of breath and with a dry mouth. so horrible... i can't figure it out at all. =/

i just took a most unsatisfying ddong. poop. =[

wow, today was the longest day... it's the first time i've been home since 11 this morning and it's almost 2 in the morning now. wow. i had 11-7 work, then proceeded to go straight to the airport to drop my dad off, then dropped off my sis at northgate for a review session, gorged myself with sewon, picked up my sis and her friends, dropped them off, then headed to dennys to study. *sigh*

anyways... my appa left today. =[ he was up here for the past couple days visiting me and my sister after a conference he had up in san jose. gosh~ my appa is so darn cute. it was really great getting to spend time with him and talking and laughing with him. i am really really sad that he left. *sigh* everything always seems better with a guy around. i felt safe and protected when he was here. i love how your family can make you feel like that, that despite all the burdensome crap going on, you return home to love and acceptance and all your worries seem to melt away and you can just soak up the love. my relationship with my dad definitely strengthened once i came to college. "so much of what we know of love is learnt at home" there's always been the fact that the korean culture is stoic in expressing emotions, especially among older generations, and when i was younger, i often struggled with that lack of expression of love. i remember i'd hear of families going on dates and trips together and i'd be amazed and would question and doubt the extent of my parents' love for me. repulsive, i know. luckily i've smartened up a bit and have grown to appreciate the simple things that my parents do to show their love. large extravagant things are always nice but the small thoughtful gestures are what are cherished closer to the heart. the daily quick phone calls, the random emails in Korean, the encouraging words... all incredibly touching indicators of the extent of my parents' love. but by far the greatest proof of their love is their tremendous encouragement in my spiritual walk. kevin came by one day and saw the "daily bread" on my desk, a daily devotional my dad sends me to do my qts with. and then i told kevin how i've been receiving them since freshmen year and in the beginning my parents would tape a lil note on the front reminding me to please read the daily bread everyday. kevin told me how cute that was and when he said that i was privately rebuked by this memory. i realize how often i take my parents for granted. it's amazing that my parents would provide me devotionals from which i can grow by. there are so many others i know who are struggling because members of their families aren't Christians. and here are my parents... both so strong in their faith and unabashedly showing their love for Christ to me, to encourage me to grow in Him.

i am truly blessed.

some more good things:
-roy befriending me again \O/
-seeing jean moon for the first time in three years
-watching my big fat greek wedding
-playing with peggy, nancy, and jiyun and having some good girl talk =]

some of the things i am so thankful for that have made me smile when i can't keep on going:
-a pack of wrigley's extra polar ice gum from josei cuz she knows wednesdays are my horrendously tiresome days
-a note scribbled on a napkin by my dongseng paul from this past friday when i felt like my world was crashing down around me
-a really good talk perched on the whale at lbl with sewon
-my appa coming to visit for a few days
-lucky charms
-cold water

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"The Lord foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." -Psalm 33:10-11

why is there such a need to belong? i don't understand. i feel like if that need is not satisfied... then i can cease to exist. why am i determining what i need? who am i to decide what i do or do not need? i feel like i am wandering around aimlessly, lost and dazed, until one day, i will finally hit something in the darkness out there and will feel grounded and secure again.

Dear God,
Please forgive me for living in a Disneyland.
Amen.

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." -The Velveteen Rabbit

i always love a good challenge... =D

jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:16 PM): do u still eat a lot?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:53:29 PM): yep
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:35 PM): yay good
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:53:36 PM): =D
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:11 PM): lolz
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:27 PM): jayne, my good woman, i'll eat and drink u under the table any day
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:54:27 PM): =]
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:54:49 PM): hahaha is that a challenge?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:55:02 PM): u bet your sweet ass it is
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012 (10:55:02 PM): hahaah
jAhNdEeShEkKi (10:55:05 PM): ahahahaha it's on hun

i went to the groundbreaking of the new kcpc site today. it was incredible there. the view of the ocean is awesome. there was a picture of what the church is going to look like when it's completed. it looks like something out of a puritan colony situated in massachusetts cuz it was all white. i am excited to think that one day we'll be able to worship God in such a beautiful place. it is going to be amazing. =]

i went with sewon and kristy to the reprint mint, the poster store on dwight and telegraph. i love going into poster shops... looking at all the different artwork, and respectfully wishing that i also possessed the talent to portray my emotions through a vivid splash of colors or contorted shapes. it also makes me wish that i studied art more... to know about certain painters to better understand where they were coming from when they painted a particular painting and to learn to appreciate the painting for how it truly deserves to be appreciated. anyways, i bought a painting called "after the storm" by pierre doutreleau. i absolutely love it. the part that struck me is the sheer simplicity of the painting itself. it's a large painting with very few details and the majority of the painting is devoted to the sky. utter calmness... just as it always is after a storm subsides. it amazes me that someone can possibly capture such a feeling and transfer that feeling into a piece of art. i remember times when the rain would be crazy and it'd be pouring and pouring with the wind blowing and howling. and then, the morning after... everything is incredibly quiet, showing no traces of the previous night. i love waking up to those mornings... where it's still gray and the air is still damp and you hear the occasional drip drip from leaves and branches. it is so calming and soothing.

everyone always tells me how i revel in life's simplicities... "simple mind, simple pleasures." i can't help it though if i do happen to be struck by such things. i look at this world today, and i see how everything has become so detailed and complicated and my head hurts. maybe i lack in sufficient brain cells to comprehend such difficult matters, but i don't really mind. like my poster, for example. the fact that it is so simple is what appeals to me the most. i look at my life and sometimes hate how complicated it's become... so many mixed emotions and uncertainties. in a way, my life's like a storm right now, rocky and tempestuous, and i desperately want the storm abated so that the peace and calm can come. not that i'm saying that i hate my life so that the only way i can achieve peace is if i was dead; it's more this particular stage of my life that's stormy right now. * i just got reminded of when roy told me that he wished i died tomorrow so that i could go to heaven faster than him. =[ * in my english section earlier today, we went around talking about why we enrolled in the class [its a children's literature class] and then we discussed some of the books we read as a child. it was so interesting hearing everyone's different perspectives of what they were exposed to as a child. for me, i was saying how it amazes me that within two decades, the selection of books readily available to children has drastically changed. when i was growing up, i was hardly ever exposed to multi-cultural literature and it almost intimidates me how society has changed so that more of these controversial and multi-cultural issues are raised. not that im close-minded and don't want my children to be exposed to such literature, but it makes me really think about how time brings about so many changes. and thinking back to children's literature, i am again struck by its simple messages and honest, direct words. the messages generally touch upon so many fundamental tenets essential to someone's life and it fascinates me to realize how much literature has had an impact on my own life. i used the example of the giving tree, by shel silverstein, as a book that i remember when i was younger. the simple dialogue between the tree and the boy and the simple message of being unselfish appeals to me in a way that makes me wish i was a child again.

i say i like things simple and yet i've rambled on for quite a bit. =/ haha. i am such a paradox.
anyways~ come over and look at my poster. =]

one of jayne's pet peeves:
when inconsiderate, uncouth people open a new box of cereal [without asking first, mind you] and rip the plastic bag violently so that the defenseless bag is torn open. then, the nice, hungry one [ie. jayne] saunters along to the kitchen, utterly excited at the prospect of eating her *magically delicious* frosted whole grain oat cereal with marshmallows. as she innocently pours the frosted cereal and rainbow colored marshmallow chunks into her bowl... her pleasant reverie comes to a staggering halt as an unexpected avalanche of cereal tumultuously cascades down into the bowl, causing it to overflow and creating what looks like a diminutive mountain. =[

"Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are." -Machiavelli

how is it possible that someone can sum up so much of who i am into one succinct sentence?

i talked to a friend of mine the other day about a mutual friend we have and was talking about how i hadn't spoken with that mutual friend for a while. it just hit me recently that friendships are relationships that are maintained only if you work at them. i know that i'm stating the obvious, and i'm an idiot for stating something so blatantly apparent, but it's something that i struggle with and often take for granted. case in point: this buddy of mine. it took me a while to even get to know him, and when i did, i only regretted the fact that i didn't get to know him sooner. but now it seems that i'm going backwards, back to the past when the relationship was at that initial uncomfortable stage. i hate that feeling cuz it's so damn awkward and everything's so hesitant and forced and my instinctive response is to just avoid the whole situation. and that's what i realized my friendship with this person had degenerated to: from being quasi good friends to a position where it has become difficult for me to even look at him directly in the eyes. and while my friend assured me that i was a dummy and that wasn't the case... i couldn't help feel that way. i guess i still can't. and what sucks is that i know that the friendship has faded because of me, and i want to do something about it, but i'm too scared to do anything. so i just hold back and regret letting the friendship slip away. and what i'm left wondering is this: if i was already undeserving to be friends with this person, then what is possibly left to rebuild that friendship?

yesterday was probably the weirdest day ever... *sigh* so much freakin drama and so many weird incidences all happening too quickly in a short span of time. it really made me sad. it's crazy to see/hear/witness drama and hurt in the world. even if it isn't directly inflicted upon you, it still hurts and stuns you when a loved one is involved. argh. i'm so sick of it. i don't get it. i really don't.

it amazes me to see how quickly time can pass by and a thing that i was once dedicated to seems to lose its significance. and i plod through life forgetting, until one day it suddenly hits me and i am reminded of a fervor i once possessed. needless to say, this blog of mine is an example of just this. *sigh*

so life has majorly been sucking for me these past ...days? ...weeks? i don't know. i've lost track. i suppose it's the constant emotional rollercoaster ride of life that i've been on. or maybe i suffer from bipolar disorder, which makes me switch from being high to low in a matter of minutes. unsurprisingly, i feel like crap. and i've been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. i guess it can seem like i'm wallowing in my own self-pity and maybe that could be one aspect, but right now, it's more of self-disgust and repulsion.

school's starting tomorrow and unlike the excitement i used to feel, it's one more of fear, dread, and apprehension. it's a sign showing the inevitable: i am going to be an upperclassman and with that, there comes certain liabilities. in so many different aspects this fact holds true. it's a sign to take responsibility and leadership for the underclassmen, it's a sign showing that time is running out, and it's a sign showing that one is growing up to face the real world. i feel like this past summer up here was extremely unproductive and wasteful. true, i worked and took two classes, but what i could have done in addition to that, was definately not enough. i wanted to do so much more, and maybe cuz i was being too selfish, i ended up with what feels like nothing. with a couple of exceptional cases, i don't think there was much good to this summer. i saw everyone at church today, and everyone looked so different with this refreshing air about them and excited looks in their eyes. and i just stood there observing, and enviously wishing for that same feeling. i've become indifferent to so many things. *wait... scratch that.* i struggle with emotions so much that the only way i deal with them is to become emotionless and stoic. and i think and i think and i get mad for thinking so much.

i have no idea what to expect this semester. but it's what pastor eugene said today... how only God is the one who remains true. i'm realizing this more and more daily... that everyone flakes, that everyone stumbles, and everyone is weak. everyone and everything will fail but God. what scares me to death is that despite knowing this and experiencing all this crap, it is still so difficult for me to place what i'm feeling towards God. "Turn to God and away from sin." i'm at the midpoint where im half-turned to both and i desperately don't know which way to turn. i place too many expectations on people and when they hurt or disappoint me, i fall. and i fall hard. and to recuperate, i become hardened and i put up my infamous wall that blocks everyone out and doesn't allow anyone to come through. the way i justify this is that people that hurt me are not deserving to know what goes on in my life. i mean... why should they? maybe it has to do with my stubborn pride, but i feel like if i don't get to hold onto this one defense mechanism of mine, to protect me from the big, bad world out there... then everything is lost and i really am nothing. yet i know that i should not do this, but i cannot help but do so. *correction* i am too stubborn to do so. "Turn to God and away from sin."

i went white water rafting this past weekend with small group... which i guess i can say has been the highlight of this summer. i had a pretty good time, especially for someone who has the physical competence of a ten year old and who despises the sun as much as she despises getting dirty. oh, and my closest encounter with death also made the experience quite memorable. haha. i don't think i'll ever forget being submerged completely underwater and being dragged down the rapid appropriately coined "the mother," all the while staring up at my right shoe, tangled in the raft, refusing to let me go free and float away safely.

needless to say, after that exciting event, the rest of the time spent rafting rather dragged and was almost tedious at times. however, there were parts along the river where we just floated along, letting the river's natural currents take our little raft of me and josei wherever it pleased, and that was quite nice. later josei and i were talking and we were both amazed that something so simple as a river could wield so much power over us. it made me realize how little of my life is actually controlled by me. in the large scope of things, we are so very insignificant and our existence can be obliterated if fitting. it was so easy to be swept away by the river's current... especially during the crazy mother. no matter how much josei or i struggled against the current, we were no match for the river's strength. *watch me now connect my thoughts* thinking back always puts things into perspective for me. our lives are already destined to run a certain way according to God's plan. basically, there's no use fighting Him cuz we don't control our lives and we abide by what He says. He is the current that carries us where He sees fit and our efforts to go against that are utterly futile. everything else will be fine if we just lie back and let God lead the way. it's essential to have that faith... just like even though i was simultaneously snorting up nasty river water and swallowing mad chunks of it and thought i was going to die, i also had faith that the lifeguard man would come and rescue me. which he did. so hooray for him. =] *moment of profound silence*

an account of the different things i've done that's taken forever to write about cuz im lazy:

a cote: a small, cozy restaurant i went to with judy and sewon sometime last week. entrees were served tapas style, meaning that portions were small and it was a given to order several different entrees to share amongst one's party. the food was relatively tasty, despite the minute portions and costly prices. after ordering four entrees and two slivers of cheese, the three of us concluded that we were quite content in our tummies: we weren't brimming with fullness, but it was just enough to be satisfied.

crepevine: delicious as always. i recommend the rockridge, which consists of strawberries and nutella and a generous scoop of vanilla bean ice cream on the side. sewon and judy both declared that the rockridge was very pleasing to their palettes as well.

great kahn: for those unfortunate enough to have not yet tried this exquisite mongolian bbq place... *sigh* i feel utterly sorry for you. the set price of 6.45 may at first be a little appalling, but for the amount you get, it is well worth the price. there are four types of meat to choose from: beef, chicken, lamb and pork, and you are able to pack in however much you want to eat inside a bowl. from there, you select from a wonderful array of veggies such as carrots, broccoli, onions, and mushrooms to add to your meat. then u choose how to flavor it, with sauces from mild to fiery hot sauces, oyster sauce, teriyaki sauce, and other msg-laden goodies. once chow-mein like noodles are piled high on top of all this craziness, you then proceed to walk to a separate line where the food is cooked on a large circular grill/pan sorta thingie by men walking around the grill with elongated chopsticks. shake on some sesame seeds, grab a bottle of sriracha sauce... and you're golden. =D

y tu mama tambien: [not affiliated with food at all, but i added it cuz it deserves as much merit as i am giving these restaurants] foreign film i watched with ylee and sayuri, my two ex-roomies. not a movie i'd recommend for people who can't even say the word sex w/out blushing or thinking that they have to go wash out their potty mouths with soap. bottom line: there's a whole lot of obscene sex scenes that even took me by surprise [ie the opening scene] and lots of other naughty vulgarities that may stun some people. however, by watching this film is not to say that i'm some sex-obsessed maniac all into pornographic films. there's an incredible underlying theme about friendship and truth that is extremely refreshing and simultaneously, somewhat disturbing and unsettling. needless to say, one needs to look beyond all the flashes of naked skin and sexual innuendos to grasp this concept, but once it is found, it is quite profound and it enables one to re-evaluate the meaning of friendship in a context different from what is typically expected. or~ if you're like ylee and take the film for its face value of sex, sex, and more sex... i'm sure you'd walk away from the film feeling a lil bit more physically moved rather than emotionally. *wink wink*

introducing... my buddy called roy.
amazingly enough, this oddity of a person is indeed a living, breathing twenty year old male. *gasp*
despite his boyish charms and deluded visions of his greatness, poor misguided foolio roy does have good intentions at heart and is overall, a very endearing person. hurray for roy. =]

b o y 52 (2:12:36 PM): there once was a story
b o y 52 (2:12:43 PM): about how i got my life turned upside down
b o y 52 (2:12:47 PM): so sit right back and relax
b o y 52 (2:13:01 PM): of a story of how roy became the prince of bel-air
b o y 52 (2:13:55 PM): and thats the story of how roy became the prince of bel-air
b o y 52 (2:13:58 PM): gyeaH!

b o y 52 (2:18:50 PM): wudduP wuDDUP wUDDUP yAll, this is dJ rOY-DawG heRe uP in Da HoUUse..roLLin-boLLin-weSsiDE repResenTIn..donT fRONT yA'LL!
b o y 52 (2:18:58 PM): gYEAh
Kpxgrlx012 (2:19:38 PM): oh wow
Kpxgrlx012 (2:19:43 PM): thats lovely roy
b o y 52 (2:20:34 PM): u think so?
b o y 52 (2:20:40 PM): i made that all up by myself
Kpxgrlx012 (2:21:01 PM): wow
Kpxgrlx012 (2:21:03 PM): pure genius
b o y 52 (2:21:35 PM): *bow*
Kpxgrlx012 (2:21:42 PM): *applause*
b o y 52 (2:21:43 PM): donT fRONT!
b o y 52 (2:21:59 PM): *struttin*
Kpxgrlx012 (2:22:06 PM): *gag*
Kpxgrlx012 (2:22:12 PM): *throwing tomatoes*
b o y 52 (2:22:25 PM): *catching and eating tomatoes*
b o y 52 (2:22:29 PM): *struttin*

whoa~ it's been a while since i've updated. haha. crazy. i used to be so dedicated to this too. so much has happened too... it makes me wanna say everything just for the sake of catching up between all these days. but then, that'd just take way too long and it won't be entertaining for anyone else so i'll just proceed with the past few days.

this past weekend was vbs. wow. it was incredibly fun and i was really blessed by not only the kids but also with working with the different teachers and parents. =] good stuff i say. the kids are so dang cute they make me smile just thinking about them. =] hurray. it really makes me contemplate now if i should commit to children's ministry in the fall or not... or if i should still stick with awana. of course, this is all depending on who needs more teachers and stuff but yeah... if there was the opportunity to choose, i wonder what i would do. i know i was all gung ho awana since like day one, but now, after vbs, i really don't know. wow. i'm really glad i did vbs though. i learned a great deal... feels good. =]

hmm~ what else. i got sick which is pretty dang crazy cuz i never get sick. but when i do... it hits me like *wham* and then i recover relatively quickly. ooh. and when i am sick, my germs never infect anyone else. *shrug* interesting lil tidbit about myself i thought i'd add in. aren't i fun? =] so i'm a lot better today but yesterday i was quite a repulsive sight. i sounded like a man and i was congested and achy and just ick all over. ohh~ and i was up all the previous night interspersed with little naps doing my stupid midterm essay for english. *shudder* it was horrible i tell you.

so i have about 2.5 more hours to kill before i get off work. and then... *BOWLING*!!! how exciting. too bad i suck majorly and i'm kinda sad cuz i think people will make fun of the way i bowl. but andy chon somewhat consoled me by saying that he heard taryn's bowling technique is really bad and funny. so hopefully she's worse than me so that she can get the buttend of all the jokes. haha. oops. that's mean huh? =[ hmm~ i hope we're both exceptional bowlers so that everyone else will be blown away by our mad skills. =D

ahahahaha little roy =D

b o y 52 (10:47:32 PM): its so hot
b o y 52 (10:47:40 PM): why cant i be less sexy
b o y 52 (10:47:47 PM): hahah just kidding..that was gross

yay~ i'm at work again... pulling an 8 hour shift tonight. woohoo. i know y'all are happy for me. but yeah... so this is my usual time to blog at work, after working "productively" for the first half of my shift. too bad i've wasted the past 3.5 hours playing this online game from shockwave called text twist. AUGH. my brain is fried. it's literally throbbing right now and i'm dizzy. thanks eugene shin who introduced me to the game today while he visited me at work. [i think it was more cuz he needed to use the internet... but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt. hehehe] yeah~ so while i was playing... one of the rcc's called osamu [not osama] came over and got interested in it and then... it was game over. argh. enough said. this guy is so insanse... ahahah he got so addicted, we played for 2.5 hours straight. aigoo. so i kinda didn't feel like updating. but then, i realized that i shouldn't disappoint my blog-reading audience of five people including myself. hehe. plus some kinda fun things happened this weekend that is worth remembering...

this past friday i went to watch bourne identity with kristy, karen, and judy. and all i gotta say is that matt damon is one fine looking hunk of a man. i was salivating on friday, but i think i learned to keep my desires and emotions under some quasi control. wOw. =D ahaha i'm grinning as i'm typing this. ahahaha aren't i so ugly?? =P ahahaha. woohoo~ matt damon is .:HOT HOT HOT:. (_(_) (_I_) (_)_) *cha cha cha* =D

on saturday... i decided to cook my 15 het-ban that were on the brink of expiring and kristy, karen, jane kim and i GRUBBED. eek there was so much stinkin food. and then julie oh came and later kevin and judy came too... and there was still so much. hahaha. feeding people makes me so happy. =D but yeah... after the girlies left, roy came over and him and julie left to her place to study for their ba midterm today. so i was left with kevin chiang and judy which was cool cuz i don't really know kevin and i haven't talked to my booty for a while. ahahaha oh geez kevin's weird. what a hilarious odd boy. hahaha. so i had lots of fun talking to him and judy until julie got mad that i wasn't studying and she and roy came over to regulate. but then we started laughing and talking some more. anyways... essentially, saturday was supposed to be reserved for studying and i gabbed the whole day away. but i totally didn't mind cuz i was loving finding out the little oddities and quirks that everyone has.

yesterday, sunday... i went to san jose taqueria after church... oh WOW they give you a lot and it was dang yummy. haha. so i was happy again. =] and then naturally i napped and woke up around 5/6ish panicked cuz i didn't start my paper. so i was working on it kinda half-heartedly until about midnight or so when judy julie and i went to visit andy chon and kevin chiang bang. that proceeded to a session of "let's hate on jayne" led by andy chon. i kno he's never gonna read this so i can be as brutally honest as i want. what a freakin meanie. =[ it's not my fault i was cursed with dumbo-like flappy ears that protrude out the side of my head like a man. =[ how sad that he uses my deformities against me to make fun of me... boo. what a poop. but i grudgingly won't hate on him too much right now cuz he was nice enough to let me use his printer to print out my essay that was due today... speaking of which~ i was up till 6:30 this morning working on the stupid thing. eek. and by that point i was so tired i couldn't focus well while i was typing... so i don't really recall what i mentioned in my paper and if what i did mention was deserving of any merit. blah. =/

today at work three people visited me today. i am very thankful for these people who stopped to say hello and entertained me for a bit. =] yay~ you guys made my day... hehe. thanks! =D

ooh. i just pulled out a pubie. =D yayyy. today is getting better and better by the minute.

i had a really good talk with a friend last night for about two hours... so i wanted to say thanks since i can't really articulate my gratitude in spoken words that well. i have to admit, i was surprised at the extent that i was able to confide in this person and to the extent that this person understood me and was able to help me. sorry~ i know that it sounds like i have little trust in people. maybe it's the deep skepticism and low expectation rule that i carry with people. but yes... i was pleasantly surprised by how much this buddy was able to empathize with me. big thanks. i was encouraged immensely and as a result had a pretty good day today. it's a great feeling to find someone who you can relate to... especially if it's due to your matching personalities and beliefs. haha. i thought i was the only crajee one out there... =T jk. i only hope that i can be as good a friend as you were to me last night. thanks again for calming my out of control nerves...

wow. God has truly been showing me awesome signs of his great love for me. i am very blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. =]

"If I could give you one gift my friend, I would give you the ability to see yourself as others see you, so you would know how very special you are." -Unknown

heehee. karen~ this one's for you. in remembrance of our pathetic attempts to "study" for our midterms this past sunday... =P ahaha. thanks hun.

"Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself." -CS Lewis

wUtdAbUnG (5:21:42 PM): oh my gosh
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:21:47 PM): ?
wUtdAbUnG (5:21:49 PM): i just read your blog
wUtdAbUnG (5:21:52 PM): hahahahahahhahaa
wUtdAbUnG (5:21:56 PM): youre so funny!!
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:21:59 PM): ? which entry?
wUtdAbUnG (5:22:04 PM): the last one
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:22:09 PM): the boobie one?
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:22:12 PM): isnt it amazing?
wUtdAbUnG (5:22:15 PM): i seriously was cracking up so hard
wUtdAbUnG (5:22:27 PM): its not that , its the "cluck: that got me
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:22:31 PM): i cant believe her
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:22:32 PM): oh
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:22:33 PM): haha
jAhNdEeShEkKi (5:22:40 PM): awww u jsut made me day kristy!
wUtdAbUnG (5:22:45 PM): hahahaahaha
wUtdAbUnG (5:22:50 PM): so did you jahnd
wUtdAbUnG (5:22:54 PM): ahhhh
wUtdAbUnG (5:22:57 PM): that was a good laugh
wUtdAbUnG (5:23:25 PM): freekin hillarious

it is awesome how friends are such a God-sent gift. i've had such a crappy day today with what seems like everything is crashing down on me, and all of a sudden, when i feel like i'm at my lowest... comes sauntering along a friend who i am blessed to have. =]

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us." -Unknown

hmm... so i dunno. i think i'm crashing from my happy stage cuz right now i feel kinda blah and contemplative. like a sad realization of something. i really do think i suffer from bipolar disorder...

there's very few people in the world that can be trusted completely... or that i can trust i suppose. i have this sort of feeling like what's the point in confiding in anyone cuz in the end, somehow they screw you over and betray that confidence. is that being too cynical? or am i being cautious? i remember i had a convo kinda related to this with a good friend a while back and basically it was about how i tend to build up this wall around me... and it's hard to reach me cuz of this huge emotional barrier. and she concluded that the wall was stupid and that she was gonna break it down. hehe. wow. i haven't had such an honest, open talk like that in a while. it's weird... cuz even as i'm chatting online to different people right now i feel like the person chatting isn't who i really am at all. odd. i guess that's kinda what eugene meant in his blog bout how online conversations have that kind of effect. i'm an exemplary model of his spiel on aim conversations. there's no sympathy for me.
anyways... back to this wall concept. for me... i consider it as a defense mechanism. i know i'm being selfish, but this is something i feel like i need to do in order to protect myself from the big, bad world out there. like why do i have to keep putting myself out there to the rest of the world so that in the end what happens is that i'm the one getting screwed? life ain't fair... and i know it isn't. and i know that i shouldn't just give up and completely lose myself to hide behind this great thick wall i've built... but sometimes... and recently, more often than not... i honestly feel like what's the freakin point. i'm sick of trying... and even though i'm sick of it, that scares me. cuz then it's like i've given up on everything in life and i'm dead in many aspects.

*sigh*

i read this off my friend's profile today... man... i haven't talked to him forever. it's astonishing to see how quickly time can pass by without me thinking twice about someone i once considered a friend. and then... it's amazing how a random emotion or memory can trigger something inside me and make me reminisce and wonder how the same person has been. and it jolts me in such a way that sometimes i'm ashamed to be me...

"they say to always reach for the stars...

but what if they can't be found?"

i'm at work again... and incredibly bored. like... shoot me out of my misery kinda bored. =[ i can't even play spider solitaire for like two consecutive hours anymore. gosh~ how depressing. so after i checked the status of everyone's blogs... i then proceeded to check everyone's profiles and away messageys. and one of them was my friend's... who i haven't really talked to in a while... probably for at least six months or so. but anyways... so i decided to check her webpage and see how she's been doing [she was away btw... cuz otherwise i would have talked to her. uhmm... no wait. i take that back.] so i was looking at her website and this girl is crajee. like she's on some radio show or something where i guess she has her own show and talks about sex and relationships and stuff. whoa there buddy. and like on air i guess guys call in and she supposedly has such a sexy voice that they always wanna hook up with her. so she gives out her website addy to anyone who asks. something like that. anyways... on her webpage she has this message board thingie where anyone can post messageys and one of them is from this anonymous guy claiming how much he loves my friend's boobies. hahaha crajee. and then she was saying in her journal how her boobie size is a 36D cup. i was stunned. GEEEZ!! those are some HUGE tig ol bitties. can you imagine? i think i'd fall over from the weight. *clunk* wow.

i just wanted to share my astonishment with the rest of the world. i am sure i have enlightened all your lives significantly. thank you for reading. =P

oh. i forgot to add this earlier. hehe =P

so there's this place down south in cypress called albert taco's. and it has some stinkin good food... ahahha especially their carne asada fries. disregard the fact that they probably have no nutritional value to them at all. oh, but DAYAM are they good. my sis used to eat them and make like moaning noises while she ate them. ahahahaha was that a little too much information? =] haha just wanted to show the extent of how delicious they are.

when i was home for like the 1.5 days, i went and got some of those fries and on my away messagey i said that i was eating them... and danny, who was still up here at the time imed me and was like oh wow... yum... etc etc. well~ he wouldn't say oh yum persay but you get the point. this is like an orange county delicacy. ahahaha. so i was talking to him online today and i asked if he had them yet cuz this is like a must-get whenever you go home item. and he was like yeah~ i had them twice already... the second time being last night at midnight. and then he said he ate them with billy ku. meaning billy drove all the way from glendale to cypress in the middle of the night to eat these carne asada fries.

ahahaha i think THAT exemplifies true epicurean skills...

and then i find out earlier this evening that billy ku just drove up to berkeley to visit. ahahaha this boy cracks me up too. talk about a spur of the moment, fly by the seat of your pants kinda guy... how fun that must be. to just up and leave to your intended destination without a second thought. crazy... =]

i'm in a very jolly mood today. =] hehe. do u ever get one of those days where everything just feels good? that's me right now. heehee =] i think this is largely due to the fact that the weather today is very nice... i didn't feel icky at all. =]

anyways~ so i changed my template for my blog. i wanted this one when i first started off cuz the colors looked so yummy but andy chon already had it so i refrained myself. but oh wells... i'm jolly today so i felt like i should make my blog more pretty too. =] the colors remind me of sherbert...lime, tangerine, and lemon. yummy. that little chunk of blue in the corner can be raspberry... like the icee kind. bah. but that doesn't fit too well with my citrus motif i got going on here. *shrug* still yummy. i love how i can related anything to food. hahaha ooh~ and with this format, i can write a lot more and it looks like i didn't write that much cuz its not as condensed as my other format. hurray!

so what did i do today... it was kinda hard to wake up today but i overcame it and went to class. and then i ended up sitting next to my gsi which made me all pressured to act like a good student and copiously take notes. but i kept dozing off so i was doing the whole rocking back and forth action of my body and the dropping head but then suddenly jerking it back up motion. eek. ahh wells.

class ended and i went home and took a wonderful nap for about 2 hours. it was fun cuz i had the window open and there was this slight breeze blowing gently on my face while i slept. haha. i love sleeping like that. ooh and on a tangent... i love sleeping and having my pillows not get hot. yanno what i mean? i hate it when the weather's hot so your pillows get hot and you gotta keep rotating them around and around so you can find that little bit of coolness you can desperately cling to until a few seconds later that part also gets hot and you gotta rotate again.

and now i'm at work. even walking to work wasn't too bad cuz of the nice weather. =] ohh but then this horrible incident happened. i was strolling down dwight from capri and right when i passed hillegass i got this horrendous whiff of some nasty smell. so i was like eh? and i looked around but there wasn't anything really that could have caused the smell. so i disregarded it and then continued to walk and then the foul smell hit me smack up my nostrils. and THEN i realized... there was this truck kickin it in the middle of the street and it had this pipe thingie coming from it leading to those houses that they're building on dwight between regent and hillegass. i have no idea what was pumped out or into that truck and honestly i don't wanna know. so i held my breath and after i passed that truck i breathed, and was happy again. =]

i didn't eat at all yet since last night when i had jack in the crack with kristy and rob at like one am [bad bad me] so i went to cheese and stuff and got pink lemonade, a turkey on sweet roll with monteray jack cheese, and pretzels. and i'm chomping away on them now. =] yummy yummy i'm very content =D

what else what else... ohh i just talked to my sister online. she's very excited cuz she just went with my mom to get her new celly. haha. and then my mom went to go eat dinner at tony roma's with sharona's mom and danny's mom and other mommas from our goo yuk. ahaha how cute is that? =] and so my sis and my dad are gonna go eat dinner at vip. just them two. =] hehe. man~ i wish i was there. hehe so i told my sis to tell my appa hi and he said to write him an email in korean. man... that's going to take forever cuz typing in korean takes so much time. =T oh wells. hehe. that should be interesting =]

ohh... brb i gotta go peepee.

ohh and for some reason today i was chatting with a lot of people online [well, not even a lot, but a lot for me cuz normally i end up just sitting and reading people's profiles] and there's all these interesting things i wanted to record.

look what nice thing hannah said to me. awwww =D
MUsHrOoMhAnNaH (5:03:58 PM): oh ar eyou doing legal studies?
MUsHrOoMhAnNaH (5:04:01 PM): are you all set?
Kpxgrlx012 (5:04:11 PM): hahaha
Kpxgrlx012 (5:04:13 PM): i guess
Kpxgrlx012 (5:04:15 PM): =/
MUsHrOoMhAnNaH (5:04:30 PM): no tha's good
MUsHrOoMhAnNaH (5:04:39 PM): alteast you are set and you have a direction and a path to follow
MUsHrOoMhAnNaH (5:04:41 PM): it'll be all good
MUsHrOoMhAnNaH (5:04:42 PM): heheh
Kpxgrlx012 (5:04:44 PM): i hope so
MUsHrOoMhAnNaH (5:04:44 PM): i believe in you

k, now look at kevin's im.
Kpxgrlx012 (5:11:59 PM): whats ur other job?
preppykc (5:14:27 PM): i work some professor doing data entry on excel
preppykc (5:14:51 PM): i work for some professor doing data entry on excel
Kpxgrlx012 (5:15:04 PM): why are u typing this twice?
preppykc (5:15:20 PM): cuz i left out the preposition "for"

ahahahha. i dunno why~ but i thought that that comment was so funny. first of all, i know very few who retype their entire comments for one measly word and second of all, who uses the word "preposition" in everyday common language? hahaha what a funny fellow. i like the little oddities and quirks people have. makes them more interesting and adds to their individuality. =]

k and now, danny's im.
dank IM91 (4:27:34 PM): what u doin?
Kpxgrlx012 (4:27:49 PM): work =[
Kpxgrlx012 (4:28:56 PM): im bored
dank IM91 (4:30:37 PM): haha, go do work
dank IM91 (4:30:47 PM): ask people to visit you
Kpxgrlx012 (4:31:13 PM): no one visits me =[
dank IM91 (4:31:47 PM): u kno if i was at berkeley....i probably wouldn't visit you either
dank IM91 (4:32:13 PM): haha
Kpxgrlx012 (4:32:52 PM): i KNO
Kpxgrlx012 (4:32:53 PM): =[
Kpxgrlx012 (4:32:57 PM): how depressing
dank IM91 (4:33:30 PM): haha
dank IM91 (4:33:43 PM): unless u get some hot girls there....haha
Kpxgrlx012 (4:33:57 PM): what bout foreign chickies?
dank IM91 (4:35:47 PM): haha, naw...
dank IM91 (4:35:56 PM): i like the koreans
dank IM91 (4:37:33 PM): so yeah....u kno when to holla at me

hmm so that wasn't that funny but still... kinda interesting. actually... it's not even kinda interesting either but for some reason, i'm liking people today. i'm getting thoroughly entertained from everyone. =D

woohoo i wrote a lot =] however... it looks a lot less cuz of my new template! ahahaha. hurray hurray =]

k... time for spider solitaire. =D

i'm at work now with shinelun. [he wanted me to write that btw... he wants to be included in my blog. haha]

i had my midterm today for ls 160... there was only one essay question as the midterm, and the prof gave us study questions to prepare in advance, but i think i still screwed up. in lecture the professor kept reiterating the point that since there was going to be only one essay and that there will be more than enough time in the two hour block of time to finish, the paper was expected to be quite well written, especially in terms of organization and clarity. bah. too bad i ended up writing about 6.5 pages... there was no organization to the paper at all; i merely regurgitated what info i remembered cramming in from last night and i'm sure the overall paper was very sloppy and ineffective. *sigh* ahh wells...

i picked up jane kim from the airport today with karen and then we grubbed at alameda sushi house. mmmm~ that place is so delicious =] lip-smacking good. hehe but i was so freakin disappointed at myself cuz i couldn't finish what i ordered. normally i can eat two rolls easy, but today... i left like half of each of my rolls. aigoo~ i felt like such a failure =[ i think my heiferish skills have been lacking these days due to this freakin nasty weather... it makes me cranky and contentious and hence i cannot partake in my regular delightful act of eating an obscene amount of food. =[ but... by the time i get off work it'll be nice and cool again so i will be able to proceed with gorging myself with yummy leftover power roll and a's roll. =]

hmm what else... andy chon got me all riled up when he said he was going to visit me today at capri... i was so happy and of course honored cuz it's a privilege to have him visit [he said that himself ahahaha] but then he found out i was at work and he was like oh. so i think that means he's not going to come visit after all. =[ i thought that was kinda sad.

hahaha. my co-worker, shinelun, and i just had like a ten minute convo about cheese. lol. well, first we were talking about meat cuz he just bought a package of sandwich beef meat and was just chomping on slices of it. it looked so weird. and then i thought of karen and how she and i were talking about cheese but how she's like obsessed with it and continually just snacks on it. so i brought that up with shinelun and we were discussing about the yummy characteristics of cheese and comparing how much we can consume of it in one sitting. he claims that he doesn't like mozzarella cheese cuz he feels like it needs to be eaten with something else while i disagree cuz i love string cheese. and i was saying how i always wanted to try that string cheese with pizza sauce in the middle of it and how i love eating those babybel cheeses... the one's in the little red waxy circle =] and then he told me that his favorite cheese was chedder and that if he could, he would eat hunks of it. and then i got repulsed... i got a very vivid image of myself, sitting crosslegged on the floor with a huge hulking chunk of cheese in each hand and me just chomping large bites out of it. ugh. *shudder*
.:pause:. i just read what i just typed and i realize how freakin pointless all this was. gosh~ i can't believe i just spent all this time talking about CHEESE. ahahahaha~ i crack myself up =D

ooh... sy's gonna come up next week and visit... hence it is time for some hard core frolicking. yaaaay~ i cannot wait =D

man... just a little under one more hour before i get to finally go home. poop. 8 hour shifts are annoying. even if i did play spider solitaire for 60%, read people's blogs for 15%, chat on aim for 10%, update my blog for 10%, and do my homework assignment for 5% of the total time... it still sucks. =[

i love providing constant reminders to show how much of an idiot i can be. it is a perpetual shoe continuously wedged up my (_I_) cuz i'm always kicking myself out of disgust for my oafishness. yes. it is so fun, indeed.

so i'm at work again and literally just came back from a crajee excursion at the jelly belly factory.
oh but before that, i gotta talk about last night. so after work last night, karen, kristy and i went to koko house where we ate lots of yummy carbs and where i got really gassy cuz i don't think i can handle much fermented things anymore. but anyways... then we went to pick roy up and went to karen's so that my buddies could partake in the exhilarating first time experience of watching moulin rouge with me. hehe i was very excited. so overall, some parts were freakin weird... like that virgin part and the beginning and stuff, but all in all i liked it =] esp the scenes with nicole kidman and ewan mcgregor. ooh la la~ they can sing. =] so yeah~ by the time that was over it was like 5 and kristy and i were trying to wake roy up to go home. and i thought it'd be clever if we pulled on one of his leg hairs to get his lazy posterior up. too bad he was already awake and when we pulled he sat up and screamed and scared the CRAP out of me. augggggh. my heart couldn't stop pounding. freakin roy >:[ and THEN... a little later when we were again trying to get him up he scared us again. =[ stupid punk. so naturally i had to regulate on this idiotic fool by pummeling him with pillows and heads of animal pillows. i got home around like 8:30 in the morning and was like hmm~ i'm gonna take a nap until 12 so i can go to price club. but too bad karen called and disrupted my slumber at 11 so that we could go to price club together. man~ it was so hard to get up. but rather than face her wrath i somehow managed and off we went to price club where i got gas and dropped off rob's pics. it was a disappointing trip however cuz i expected my pictures to be back but they weren't available yet. =[ and then we stopped by ranch 99 where karen went buck wild analyzing different types of dooboo so that she could make this dish that she says is delicious. she even went to the lengths of calling her dad up to ask what kinda dooboo is good. something bout it being silken, soft, not firm, blah blah. crajee stuff. but yeah~ so after that we went back to berkeley where we picked up roy, kristy, and rob and went to jelly belly factory.

so i was designated driver, which was cool cuz i like to drive. =] but then... i think it's in my nature or something but we got into yet another misadventure. man~ this happens everytime i go somewhere. the addition of insane traffic, the fact that we got lost, and that time was running out before the factory tour would close made my head hurt incredibly. but miraculously, we made it on time and it was fun watching how the jelly bellys get formed and stuff. i bought a bertie's botts every flavor jelly bean bag and bought a few bags of belly flops [the retarded jelly bellys] for andy chon and myself. i love jelly bellys. their colors are immensely fascinating. =]

today was quite fun cept for this pounding headyache i have now and the fact that i have work till stinkin 10. btw... there is not one single resident in here at the moment. oh wait... jk one just came in. =P luckily that big mob of indians haven't come in yet and i hope they aren't planning to today cuz i'm not really in the mood to be patient with them. hehe. and then tonight i still gotta finish unpacking and start studying for my freakin midterm on monday. eek. i calculated how much reading i have and its about 200 pages. oh joy.

i'm pooped. so i'm gonna play some more spider solitaire now. hehe. you should see me and my co-worker chiyo. that's literally alllll we do on shift. but all good. i'm not complaining at all. =P

have a nice weekend everyone. =]

aigoo~ i just dozed off... ugh~ just 2.5 more hours to go...

man~ the only time i have to update is at work... and it's ironic cuz that's when i should be occupied with helping the international students who cannot speak english and who i have to make repeat their questions ten times before understanding. so i get all happy and excited and read other people's blogs only to find out that they themselves have not updated at all... so i get sad. =[ boo. the only person that seems to consistently update is billy but then i don't even know if i should be reading his blog so i can't tell him how grateful i am to have his blog to read when i'm dying of boredom at work. not to say that that's the only time i'd read his blog cuz i really do read it often it's just that these days with so much other stuff going on this is the only time i get to read people's blogs. ... shut up jayne? ooh i think i will =T

so i missed class again today... *SIGH* that's two out of three days that i've missed class. i kno i kno... i'm a freakin moronic fool. man... i shoulda gone to class last tuesday... but i was so stinkin tired after our lil rendezvous at piedmont with kwan, karen, roy, roach. so of COURSE that day i missed class the professor goes and changes the stinkin room number... augh. so today i went to 166 barrows only to find that the class size has shrunken by at like 60% and that the prof has changed from a white man to an asian man. anyways... i guess this other dude wasn't at lecture either cuz he got up and left after asking someone if this was ls 160. this chick said that it wasn't and it moved to 141 leconte. so i left too and walked to leconte where i roamed up and down all of leconte looking for the room and finally, in despair, i gave up discovering that the stupid room number doesn't exist at all. so i went back to capri and looked it up online and saw that the room number is actually 141 mccone. FREAKIN. what a horrid day. i feel like kicking myself in the (_I_). blah. so then i ate to comfort myself and went to berkeley bowl with kristy and karen and then ate again at kristy's and watched charlie's angels and then came here. unproductive day what?? =P

last night was my first night at capri. karen and i ate dinner with sammy, rob, and danny and then i went home... where it was cold, dark, and smelly. gosh, it felt weird and it was kinda lonely and scary too cuz i was all by myself in this new place. =[ but then i was talking to eugene online and he made me feel so much more better by his caring and thoughtful comments on how sad of a childhood i have had cuz i've never played monopoly in my life. yes... eugene has always had the knack for saying the right thing at the right time. =P

so i am at work again... and there's nothing to do cuz everyone's watching the laker game. i officially moved out last nite and spent the night at karen's. haha i feel so bad cuz karen and roy have been helping me move and i have SOOO much stinkin stuff... and everything's all bulky and heavy too... ahahaha i'm surprised roy hasn't had a hernia or something with all the crap he's had to carry for me. =T mi yan roy... hehe. but yeah... man~ so everyday i've been bummin around... i haven't done anything productive all week. it feels weird. hahaha it's funny cuz me and roy keep trying to watch ocean's eleven on karen's playstation but we keep falling asleep during it. the first night we tried we fell asleep thirty minutes into it, like right when george clooney was introducing the plan to everyone and last night, i have no idea when i fell asleep... i think it was about 15 minutes from that point... like i remember i was like ooh~ i can close my eyes and listen and at one point i opened my eyes and saw julie roberts and then i closed my eyes again... and then i woke up at like 9 to hear karen and roy talking and karen frantically getting ready to go to class. hahaha. eww. i feel like such a bum =T

i'm at work right now and i was pretty dang bored so i was reading other people's blogs, realizing that many people don't update... ie. roy, who used to update fervently hasn't done so since sunday... *gasp* hehe. that's when i realized that i should update mine... even though not much has happened or anything.

so my 36 hour trip at home was quite fun cuz i got to see my parents =] the drive up by myself wasn't too bad either cept for the times i kept dozing off... but even then that was oki cuz i had sy to call who was driving home at the same time i was driving up to cal. we were gonna meet up together to grab lunch but we didn't know the exits too well so we ended up driving past each other... haha i actually saw her across the freeway driving by me... i was talking to her on the phone and i saw her and started yelling incomprehensible gibberish in my excitement and then we drove by each other. but it was so sad cuz i'm not gonna see sy all summer cuz she's off frolicking about in japan. lucky poop. anyways... so i drove up and made it in time for potluck which was fun cuz a lot of people were there and there was a lot of good food. then i had to leave to help my sis move out of the dorms and then went back to capri for my old sg sleepover. and then my parents came up the next day and i started packing/moving my sis's stuff and my stuff to capri. and then summer school started on tuesday. i'm taking this legal studies class and it seems pretty interesting cept barrows is nice and warm in the morning so i kept conking out. and then i went to senior reception which was really fun. =] and then kwan, roach, kristy, roy, karen, my sis and i played all night. we were playing spoons and whoever got three outs had to make breakfast for everyone else and course roy naturally was the first one to get out. ahahaha. and then my sis and then kwan. but yeah~ so we had this yummmmy breakfast at karen's cuz roy cooks, and kwan cooks and karen cooks... so i ate very well. =] and naturally i didn't make it to my lecture the following day at 10am. =[ i'm a poop. i can't believe i missed the second day of class. but yeah~ and so that was yesterday and i pretty much farted around, took karen and roy to safeway, packed and moved more junk to capri and then progressed to move my stuff to karen's place cuz i have way too much junk. and today, i met with my future landlord, gave him my deposit, grubbed at alameda, watched most of clueless, am currently at work, and now i must go home and pack the rest of my stuff. aigoooooo. haha side comment: i realize that there's no one really to play with up here right now... everyone pretty much disappeared after reception ended. poop. so i've been seeing a LOT of karen and roy these days... actually every day... which is fine with me cuz i like karen. roy, however, is kinda questionable... especially around 3am when he gets freakin psychotic. hahaha i'm kidding roy... =P

ooh~ it's been a while since i've updated. it's kinda crajee looking back and seeing that almost a week has already gone by... haha i know there's times when i'm like i HAVE to write this in my blog cuz i wanna remember this, and then i forget about it cuz i get caught up in other things, until nice people like roy randomly remind me to update cuz it's been days. life's ironic.

so woohoo~ now that finals are done i can write lots and lots and hopefully remember the good things that have had happened this past week or so. in no particular order:
1. finished the yearbook cd i've been working on forever for work... i didn't think it turned out that great but my supervisor sent out this incredibly nice email thanking us and saying how great the cd was and how we made her first year here so great and how she's gonna cherish memories... so i'm happy =D i was all hating it when i was doing it, but seeing how happy it makes other people makes all the time and crap i dealt with totally worth it... =]
2. finals are done. *sigh* i guess i could say that i'm glad they're over but already knowing beforehand that i took all my finals without my full intellectual capabilities and the fact that i could have done better in them is kind of discouraging. i feel like i cheated myself out of doing well in my classes. but who's to blame except myself... *shrug* life goes on...
3. embarassing moment: from all my fellow ca workers, we have one, single white guy called rob. ealier this week i was in the cc working on the yearbook and i was all focused on the computer screen and in the corner of my peripheral vision i see rob sitting across from me, looking at his computer screen and facing me. so i'm like hey rob~ what time do you work till tonite? but i only looked up after i said that... so i look up straight into this random white resident's eyes and the word 'tonite' just kinda fades away and i sat there gawking at this white guy totally not rob. so to cover up i was like 'oh~ i'm not talking to you' and i was all cheery and stuff, which i'm sure made me sound like an even bigger idiot cuz there was no one else i could have possibly been talking to cuz the white guy was alone in a corner and he had a periphery of three empty seats around him. and to make things worse, my co-worker overhears the entire thing and looks at me in utter disgust and is like 'omg jayne... again?' eek. mortified, i ran out of the cc and just stood outside for like 5 min before i regained my composure. *sigh* i need to learn how to differentiate amongst the white people. =/
4. after failing my two finals wed, i was totally bummed and feeling gross cuz i hadn't showered [at which point kristy was proud of me cuz i was no longer a "shower princess"... she likes being dirty... go figure] and eaten since 6am earlier that day. so i didn't really wanna play and watch star wars. but yeah... kristy and roy convinced me to go and now i'm glad i went cuz it was fun again and i got to laugh a lot =] after the movie we ate at denny's where we grubbed and i was reminded yet again of how much fun it is laughing at roy. oh... and now i'm thinking of the monstrosity of roy's eating abilites... =] and then we went to my place and played cards and did tricks like when jeanne did these fortunes on roy and 4 different chickies... most interesting. =P and then everyone left and karen and i watched stepmom, cept i fell asleep for 1.5 hrs of it and woke up just in time to see the end at which point karen and i got all drippy and weepy... that movie is so good =T and then we did some talking which was great cuz i haven't talked to her for a while... =]
5. i went to my work today at haviland for the last time this semester. i really hadn't thought much of it, but when i came in my boss lady bought me this yummy fruit tart thingie cuz it was my last day of work and stuff. and then it kinda hit me... i've been working here for an entire year now, and i've gotten pretty attached to my bosses and i got kinda sad cuz i won't see them like everyday during the summer... =[
6. now i'm at home sweet home. =] i love it here... and it was fun talking to my parents. my mom and i were on her bed poking jer-jer together and discussing how cute he is. hehe. too bad i didn't get to really talk to her yet cuz the majority of the night was spent talking to both my parents about what i should for housing this summer... eesh.
7. i had this really fun convo online with sy tonite... it was weird, cuz when i was about to leave for the airport she was like 'whoa... this the last time i'm prob gonna see you as my roomie and the last time i'm gonna see you all summer'. =[ man~ i didn't even think about it like that and it made me so sad cuz i was late and was rushing to pack, so i couldn't even enjoy my last moments with her. =[ but we had this random convo online and talking to her made me realize that sy is probably one of the few people i can be completely open with... gosh she can be a punk sometimes but overall she's pretty dang awesome. =D

Kpxgrlx012 (12:23:55 AM): ooh~ and u have the whole place to urself
Kpxgrlx012 (12:23:59 AM): that must be totally nice
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:01 AM): yah
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:02 AM): it's ok
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:06 AM): but when i need to vent
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:09 AM): no one here to vent to
Kpxgrlx012 (12:24:13 AM): awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Kpxgrlx012 (12:24:15 AM): I AM HERE!
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:24 AM): your so not fun venting to online
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:27 AM): much better in person
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:31 AM): =D
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:32 AM): haha
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:39 AM): that was me missing you for like a second
sKitZzLe16 (12:24:43 AM): then i got over it =D

i've slept a total of 1.5 hours since i woke up on tuesday, the 21st, at noon. that's 61.5 hours i've been awake. time to sleep. 99.

my mom just woke up for seh byuk gi do. her strength is simply amazing.

oh WOW... today was majorly fun today. =] i just came back from playing with roy, kristy, sewon, karen, lil jenny, and margaret... incredibly fun cuz we went to treasure island at 4 and then sang praise songs and then ate at ihop's. yah~ it was well worth it cuz i rarely get to spend time with margaret... even though she's my prayer partner =/ and i got to spend even more time with the other people too...so it was fun cramming 7 of us into sewon's lil corolla and just taking off... i think everyone was sick of the library and studying so it was fun how we just got up and left all randomly like that... =]

so yeah~ at first we went to treasure island and it was so incredibly beautiful looking at the bay bridge and the city skyline. too bad it was so windy that my eyes were blown shut half the time but what i did see was seriously awesome... it took my breath away. so then we wandered around on private property trying to get to the best possible location to see the bridge, all the while taking massive amounts of pictures. and then we ended up at the treasure island naval base and roy busted out his guitar and we sang for a while until his poor fingers were purple-blue. =T bul ssang han roy. we always use and abuse him. but yeah~ by this time the sun rose and it was soooooo beautiful, the sun streaming in through the clouds and reflecting off the water and stuff... i don't know. and instead of going home sewon came up with the genius idea of eating breakfast at ihop, so we went into the city. so that was fun too cuz everyone was grubbing cept me cuz i was gonna have breakfast with my roomies and my ex-romie michelle. we were all laughing and just talking and i think the highlight was definitely watching roy. like all of a sudden he got FREAKIN weird and psychotic. ahaha he's hilarious... i think it was cuz of delirium or mebbe the fact that he thought his omelette was spiked, but he was doing crazy things like talking to his omelette saying "ooh i hate you... i'm gonna eat you" and other ramblings like that. it was almost like he had a good buzz going on cuz he was all laughing and his eyes were all squinty and he was turning red. =] although i was slightly repulsed by his ugliness... the whole thing was quite fun and enjoyable. ahahaha. jk roy. you could never repulse me. =D and afterwards on the way home we were telling jokes and here's one i thought was FREAKIN hilarious: What do you call a Mexican who is baptized? *Bean Dip!* AHAHAHAHHAA LOL =D ... actually hmm~ now that i rewrite it, it's not that funny. mebbe it was the way it was said. =T

but anyways... i loved this morning. thanks guys for the laughs and the good memories. fo sho we gotta do this again like after finals. but i think the memorable part of it was cuz we did this during finals, while everyone was being stressed and going crazy. makes the time we spend together more worthwhile i think. =] study hard play hard. i think that was the general concensus in the car. can't wait for another escapade... next time though, i think we should spend some time talking and sharing more... that way~ we can really get to know each other better. =T hehe. i'm already envisioning where/what we'll do next... hehe

k... i gg showa now so that i can eat breakfast with my roomies. yum yum~ i am excited. =D

btw~ i do NOT hate roy and i am NOT cranky in the morning... really... come on now... don't hate =P

.:roy's ability to play the guitar is amazing... i get truly blessed whenever i hear him play. God has graced him with some awesome skills:.

it is amazing how much hair i shed in the shower... especially when i get stressed out. it's kinda gross looking at that huge dense clump of hair.

it's also amazing how incredibly screwed i am, and how i am still on page 4 out of 26 in memorizing for my ling final... >:[

*sigh* nah molla.

updating really quickly...

i'm so stressed right now i don't know what to do... it's the point where your tummy is all tight and your heart beats all fast and you get shaky and stuff... man~ this madness has to end soon... aigoo. =[ but anyways~ off i go to denny's again to cram for ling... eek.

here's some stuff i've been thinking about: time goes by way too quickly so i need to make the most of each situation. there are so many people that i still don't know that i want to get to know better or people that i've just recently started talking to. i gotta live life more to its full potential and without regret. and most importantly, everything is done in accordance to God's will so i need to live by faith. =T

k roy... i updated. hope you get some rest. =]

hello bloggie thingie of mine... i don't even know why i'm updating right now when i'm half asleep and freaking tired. or i should be doing my paper or studying for my finals instead... *sigh* so today... i spent 11.5 hours at the unit 3 cc working on this yearbook cd that i'm in charge of. oops... 10.5 cuz for an hour i stepped out and got jack in the crack with sewon, kristy, eugenius, and danny. that was exciting cuz i got to see eugene's thigh. =P haha that sounds raunchetta but oh wells. yeah... so the entire day was spent on that. and the sad thing is that there's so much more left... i think we're only half-way done or so. however... i did learn some html and the page i made looks quite spiffy so that serves little compensation for the entire day...

and yesterday was the end of the year ficb picnic.oh dang, that feels like forever ago. but yeah~ it was pretty fun i guess cept i drank soda and was gassy for the rest of the night. i think the highlight was just getting out of berkeley for a while... like i know when we were driving to the reservoir the road was so nice and curvy and there were trees and stuff... i dunno. i just remember that it was really nice and i felt like we were going to this place far far away from everything. it was a lovely feeling. and then that night i was over at kristy and sewon's studying which totally ended up not happening. it was me, roy, karen, kristy, and sewon and from 3 to about 630 in the morning we were just playing and singing and dancing and etc. wow. i think i got a good ten minutes of studying done the entire night. but yeah... it was cool cuz sewon was like hey toy~ play the guitar and let's sing... and we ended up doing that for a little more than an hour or so. but it was weird... cuz everyone was singing except me. and i don't know really why i wasn't... but i know that i was feeling all these different emotions at that time, so i suppose that in some way was why i didn't. so while roy and etc were singing and praising... i was sitting there totally blown away by how incredibly talented each karen, roy, sewon, and kristy are. they each have such beautiful voices and what i'm trying to say isn't about how well they can sing or not... but i was just reminded of how God has given them such great gifts in each of their lives. and it just made me wonder... it was so encouraging listening to them and it was amazing what i felt that night... and i was wondering if that would ever happen to me... like what possible talent i possess that would be able to show God's love to everyone else...? i'm not saying singing/playing guitar well are the only qualities that roy, karen, sewon, and kristy possess either... i can see so many strengths in each of them and i felt so blessed to just sit there and listen... anyways, i dunno if this is even making sense. so i think i'll shut up now before i look like a bigger dummy.

good nite.

AUGGGGGGGGGGGH i freakin spent like 30 min on this particular blog and it just got erased. ARGGGGGH talk about discouraging. but i'm gonna try and recap as much as possible cuz i had a lot to say.

last night i went to cache creek with sy and ylee. we left at like midnight and came back around 6am this morning. it was pretty crajee and i'm totally feeling the consequences of it today. but no regrets cuz i needed to get out berkeley and just leave for a while. and it was cool cuz me sy and ylee were talking on the way to cache creek and i got to see another glimpse of the enigmatic life of ylee. he's a very interesting fellow with all sorts of thought-provoking questions that make you really think. we spent a while talking about relationships and it was interesting cuz i saw the "non-Christian" view on dating.

i dunno why but i'm pretty much hating life these days. not to be mean and sadistic and all... but it makes me feel better to know that i'm not alone in feeling like this. it's kinda comforting to know that i'm not the only one in the world sitting at home, just hating life and school. i had lunch with judy and karen today and they were saying how ironic it was cuz last night they were also at home thinking how much they're sick of everything too. and roy, who wishes that Jesus would come, doesn't seem to be enjoying life very much either. *sigh* i wish we could have all collectively gone somewhere and hated life together. that might have been fun. but yeah, i need to find a place where i can go to whenever i feel like crap and need to vent or think or clear my head. i wanna check out lawrence hall someday soon. sy and ylee said that the view there is awesome... and it's a place where you can just go to sit, look, and think. ooh... if/when i get a car i can't to just drive all over the world. i miss driving so incredibly much. mmm... i'm getting back some good memories. =T but yeah... until then, i need something to keep me going for the next couple weeks. *sigh* so if you think of something... let me know.

i did something very unlike-me today. i dunno really how to explain the feeling except it was like that tense/anxious feeling you get when you're scared about something, and that kinda relieved feeling when you've finally confronted what you were scared about. =T hahaha and what's kinda sad is that although i feel like this is a quasi big deal, i know that to everyone else it's very minute. =T but oh wells. i'm proud of me. *pat pat* on the back for me. but what i can't figure out is the reasoning behind my actions. i can't figure out if what i did was because i don't care anymore or if it was because i care too much. ... but i think i'll think about that later.

i'm pooped. i wanna sleep. so i will. good nite.

ugh. these next couple of weeks are going to be hell. so ever since i came back from work today, i've been sitting on my (_I_) in front of the computer wasting time cuz i don't wanna do anything. i kno that instead of freakin wasting time by complaining about everything i have to do, i should just do it, but right now, i just have no idea where to start cuz i feel way too bombarded by everything. i wish i could sleep forever and wake up to find that everything has resolved itself and i don't have to think about anything.

arggggggggggggggh. aiite forget this. i gotta get out of berkeley. i'm going crajee. ;lsdfk;safjs;adlfkjasdfkljasldf;kjsdf

i've been feeling stressed these past few days. which i know i do all the time, but i think more so than usual. i just have so much on my mind and things i gotta figure out. i've been getting that overwhelmed feeling again... that feeling where you're just swamped with so many different things to do and you aren't acheiving anything so you kinda just give up and float around in your own nastiness and problems. there's just so many things i gotta figure out... like about moving out, what classes to take, work, awana/children's ministry, my future, my goals, my regrets... ugh. i really really wish i could go home right about now... =[

arggggh. how annoying. i tried to post my initial blog and it didn't work. =[ but anyways, it's actually been a while since i've last written in here and i've actually forgotten about it cuz of everything i had to do. but thanks roy for reminding me so eloquently that i should update:

b o y 52: update your blog!!
b o y 52: lazy (__|__)!

ahahahha you crack me up. =D
i had more to say but now that it's erased i guess i'm not in the mood to rewrite everything again. *yawn* i've been functioning off of about 3-4 hours of sleep since last wednesday so my brain is pretty mushy right now... so to my one avid reader i will update with something interesting tomorrow. =T and i wanted to apologize for last night: i guess i thought what i was doing was right, but now i'm thinking that mebbe it wasn't. sorry for that. eek. i am confused. so i sleep. good nite.