I went to Costco today with Sewon. She went to buy us a berry sundae while I finished my slice of pizza. Feeling lonely, I was chomping away while absentmindedly staring off into space when I suddenly noticed this little old wrinkled lady sitting at the next table, facing me. I like old people, so I stared while she ate a hot dog, vertically held very carefully in her two hands. Then I began to get worried for her, especially cuz she looked a bit sad and melancholic sitting there, all by herself with her hot dog. But I realized she had a little old wrinkled spouse as he came toddling back to her after refilling his drink cup. She didn't even notice him though, until he was standing right in front of her, pouring some of his drink into her empty cup. I watched her stare at the cup for a split second in pure confusion, and then watched her eyes light in pure joy as she smiled up at her husband who was smiling back down at her. I saw her mouth the words, "Thank you" and watched as she, still smiling, re-settled her gaze back onto the cup until he was done.

I don't like it when you're in a really good and happy mood, and one person can kill that mood by making you feel completely stupid. It's such a horrible feeling... to feel that you are insignificant and worthless and are someone that don't matter at all. No one should have to feel like that. No one deserves to feel like that.

I'm in a really happy mood for some reason. =]

Royee's big butt (_I_) is sleeping. Karen's murmuring her paper outloud to herself. I am working on my 8-10 page paper that is due at 4pm today.

bCxaNgeL143: judas iscariot: hurry and finish ur paper!
bCxaNgeL143: red: good luck and don't fall asleep!
bCxaNgeL143: kink: hurry up! u only have a page left
bCxaNgeL143: aiite this saintly sewon go to bed and sleep cozily
bCxaNgeL143: see ya guys soon
bCxaNgeL143: nite!

Something most unfortunate happened to me.

I was walking along Telegraph on my way home after miserably failing my Korean test [*sigh*]. There were lots of people on the street so I was forced to walk in a single line behind a tall dark-skinned man. It is quite breezy today, and as luck would have it, while I was trudging along home, the breeze was forcibly blowing against me. It naturally decided to pick up the vile b.o. stench emitting from this tall fellow and unmercifully cram it up my defenseless nostrils. This happened for an entire block. I wanted to move and escape but the flow of the opposing barrage of people forced me to stare at this guy's back in disbelief as I gulped oxygen through my open mouth.

I am now quite lightheaded and dizzy. I deduce that this must be the combined effect of the foul odor and the lack of oxygen to my brain.

"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines."

Thanks Jeniffer.

"Non est ad astra mollis e terris via."
[There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.]

It is raining.

This is my family. Today is my 아빠's 57th birthday. Isn't he so cute? =D hehehe.

Today was Easter Sunday. It was great seeing so many people be confirmed and baptized. I wonder if I will ever stop being chicken enough to publicly declare my faith in Christ as the people did today.

I had a lot of fun today during nursery. Dennis Chon wore this really nice tie and he claimed he used it to seduce the chickies. He proved this by waving the tie in front of Heidi and enticing her over to him. Heidi likes Andy and Dennis a lot. She goes to them more than she comes to me now. =/ Andy's kid, Joseph, wasn't here today so he took care of Hyo-bin today. Hyo-bin stopped crying when Andy held him. It was amazing cuz he never stops crying. Sewon was really sad cuz she's been in charge of Hyo-bin for months now, but he's been crying so much she stopped taking him. Andy was really proud cuz Hyo-bin wasn't crying at all anymore. But then Hyo-bin farted and it reeked pretty badly so Andy started freaking out and claiming that he must have ddonged. Julie left us for a while to take Communion, so we had to change Hyo-bin. It turns out that Hyo-bin didn't ddong at all. Andy and Dennis were at the opposite side of the room when they thought he ddonged. And then to make it worse, Andy wanted to leave the used diaper on Hyo-bin even after we started to pull it off of him. haha. It's interesting to speculate what kinds of fathers boys will turn out to be. It's also interesting to see how Andy Chon can sweat so much.

I went to Jong Ga Jib with Danny, Sewon, and Kristy for dinner. I don't know why, but I had a particularly fun time with them tonight. It was funny watching Danny try to learn his Korean vocabulary while we were eating. Then we went to McDonald's for ice cream. I was telling Sewon and Kristy about me and Danny in the past. Reliving old memories is always fun.

Then we watched Brown Sugar, took a break for the boys' softball game, and then resumed watching Brown Sugar. Taye Digges is seriously cute.

One bad thing that happened was that the English class that I wanted to take got cancelled. Now I have to reschedule everything, which sucks cuz there's so much uncertainty.

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out. Patience is genius."
-Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

I had a really good time today at Stanford for the Good Friday service.

I ate a lot today, considering how I didn't get to eat for over 24 hours. I had Quizno's before the service with our class and Stanford people, and then In-N-Out with a bunch of our people and others again. Andy introduced me to the Animal Style with both real and caramelized onions. It is my new favorite.

I got to talk to Phil and Judy from Stanford a little bit more. I realized today how it's now my third year attending KCPC, and I've just now met these people. But I suppose I should be thankful that I even had the chance to meet them at all. I wish there were more chances for Cal people and Stanford people to interact and fellowship with each other.

Kwansoo told us that the tiger we bought him was not his favorite, and that the dinosaur one was. I was sad because of that. We wanted to get him his favorite one to show him our appreciation.

Andy infuriated me, although unintentionally, I think. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't take me seriously at all and thinks that I'm just a stupid ditz who doesn't know anything. I think he saw that I was bothered though, so he tried to make it up to me by being nice to me for the rest of the evening. What struck me as ironic though was that I think he thought I was joking the entire time, and thus, everything he did was out of fun, but inside, I was honestly hurt and confused. I suppose I am a good liar.

I learned something from the message today so that was good. I realized that as long as I have Christ as my only anchor to hold onto, I don't have to worry about stupid and petty things bringing me down.

"It didn't take me too long to find
The chains you just had freed me from
I got so used to having them on
I didn't know how to live in freedom

This can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me
And this can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse me now
Sovereign and holy, come make me holy now

What is it in the nature of man
That draws us away from our purpose
To despise the things of God
And love the things that hurt us

And this can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for us
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for us

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

This can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

Straight from your holy place,
Lord, make us holy as you are holy
Send it down Lord, just a little bit of heaven here on earth
Send down your glory
Lord we need you, Lord we need you, Lord we need you
Lord I love you, Lord I love you, Lord I love you
Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus"
-"Glory Come Down" Sara Groves

"Jesus, Jesus, bright as the morning star
Jesus, how can I tell you
How beautiful you are to me
Jesus, song that the angels sing
Jesus, dearer to my heart
Than anything
Sweeter than springtime
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me

Jesus, bright as the morning star
Jesus, how can I tell you
How beautiful you are to me
My Jesus, song that the angels sing
Jesus, dearer to my heart
Than anything
Sweeter than spring time
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me

Oh, You are so beautiful
Oh Beautiful
So beautiful
So beautiful
Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful, Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Beautiful, wonderful, everything
Beautiful, Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Wonderful, morning star, Lord you are, Beautiful
Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Ohh, so beautiful

Sweeter than springtime
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me"
-"Jesus, You're Beautiful" Sara Groves

I'm having a very difficult time figuring out my schedule for this next year. It's been worrying me a lot actually.

I watched this link from Frontline and learned a lot about the situation in North Korea. It scares me to see people so ardently and fervently believing that Kim Jong Il is their god. And I wonder how my lfe would be like if I lived in North Korea right now, if I would be one of the mindless followers of Kim Jong Il, or if I would be one of those underground resistance workers... if I would compromise my beliefs for the sake of my life, or risk my life to hold onto my beliefs... *sigh*

Our girls' accountability group finished reading the book of Matthew today. There was one part that struck me while we were reading, and that I took to heart:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:33-34

I did absolutely nothing related to school since I turned in my paper earlier today. It felt great.

I enjoyed the rain a lot today, but was a bit sad when people said that it was too depressing for them. =[

I watched The Contender with the Fat Guys.

I realize how corrupt politics is, and the way I realized this was from simply watching this movie. I can't even imagine what it's like in the real world. But I really enjoyed this movie... it somehow inspired me and made me feel that I need to hang onto whatever fundamental values that I believe in. It is essentially those values that will be attacked and questioned in the world, and if I compromise those, then I feel like I will cease to be whoever I was created to be and I will disappear forever.

...

JUDwhaEE (1:44:55 AM): hhaha
JUDwhaEE (1:45:00 AM): u know how u said the presdient was weird
JUDwhaEE (1:45:03 AM): look at this...
JUDwhaEE (1:45:13 AM): Perhaps the most idiotic leap in character is Jeff Bridges' President Evans, and how he instantly goes from a scatter-brained moron to the most eloquent speaker of history, rallying the entire contry with a few well-chosen words.

I'm still working on my paper and realizing that I don't have what it takes to succeed at Berkeley. That's depressing.

The majority of the junior boys are still signed online and amazingly, none of them have away messages or are idle.

Instead of writing my paper, I am sitting here speculating on the reason why they are online so late. My hypothesis? The junior boys are all in a chatroom together complimenting each other and stroking each other's egos on how sexy and hot each other are. And then when they are tired of that, they are complaining about the lack of good-looking girls in the ministry. But the complaining would last but a brief second as the homosexual lauding and extolling would resume again. How endearing the boys are. *pat pat*

It scares me how easy it is to lie to people. I see myself lying to people that I honestly like and respect like Andy and even Roy and it fascinates me on this freakishly scary level to find how easy it is to smile and joke around when inside I don't feel a bit of what I'm portraying. Then I wonder why I need to resort to this level of shutting people out and blatantly lying to their faces about what's going on. Can my heart really be so hard and selfish? Am I justified in behaving the way that I am? So many questions that are left unanswered all the time without any closure or stability...

So I'm left struggling... not knowing what to do and how to go about fixing it. I don't want the easy way out, not this time. But I've already resorted to that again. It's the same cycle over and over again. Lying is such a cop-out way to deal with things, and yet it's so easy to lie. It's scary how the way we live these days presents more accessibility to lying. Things like email or AIM or even blogs have provided me with more opportunities to lie than I care to imagine. What's ironic is that these are mechanisms that one can use to be honest and truthful, and though I've had wonderful conversations or emails that have genuinely been from the heart, those cases have been more the exception and not the standard. *sigh*

I think about the sheer beauty in the falling rain or in a rainbow, and somehow, everything feels ever-so-slightly better.

It is always the smallest and simplest things that leave the lasting impressions on one's heart.

While I was walking back from work just now, it began to sprinkle a little bit right when I hit Channing and Bowditch. What made me completely stop walking was that the sun was still shining brightly. As I crossed, I looked to my right and was able to see every single drop of rain reflecting off the sunlight. When I got to Haste, I looked to my right again cuz there are a lot of trees and and plants around People's Park. You could see the light shining through the cracks of the leaves, thus illuminating certain parts of the light sprinkling rain against this incredible blue sky full of fat white puffy clouds. It was so incredibly beautiful.

The rain has got to be one of the most awesome and most beautiful masterpieces of God. I love it when it rains in all circumstances, but the way I experienced it today was simply amazing. It's such a rare opportunity to see the rain fall while the sun is still shining brightly. I feel like I caught a glimpse of what heaven will be like just now.

I'm happy.

I had lunch with Julie Kim today at Cafe Durant.

I had my second lunch a few hours later with Grace Lee at Daruma's.

1.5 hours is definitely not long enough to have a meaningful talk with someone. However, even the shortest amount of time spent with these two people is an immense joy and honor. They are two amazing people. I can literally see God's love and grace exuding from the way they smile, speak, or think. Wow.

...

Today I decided that I'm taking a hiatus.
I'm damned sick of everything.