It scares me how easy it is to lie to people. I see myself lying to people that I honestly like and respect like Andy and even Roy and it fascinates me on this freakishly scary level to find how easy it is to smile and joke around when inside I don't feel a bit of what I'm portraying. Then I wonder why I need to resort to this level of shutting people out and blatantly lying to their faces about what's going on. Can my heart really be so hard and selfish? Am I justified in behaving the way that I am? So many questions that are left unanswered all the time without any closure or stability...

So I'm left struggling... not knowing what to do and how to go about fixing it. I don't want the easy way out, not this time. But I've already resorted to that again. It's the same cycle over and over again. Lying is such a cop-out way to deal with things, and yet it's so easy to lie. It's scary how the way we live these days presents more accessibility to lying. Things like email or AIM or even blogs have provided me with more opportunities to lie than I care to imagine. What's ironic is that these are mechanisms that one can use to be honest and truthful, and though I've had wonderful conversations or emails that have genuinely been from the heart, those cases have been more the exception and not the standard. *sigh*