"I will praise You, Lord my God
Even in my brokenness I will praise You Lord
I will praise You, Lord my God
Even in my desperation I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand all that you allow
I just can't see the reason, but my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn, I will praise You Lord
Even when I feel deserted, I will praise You Lord
Even in the darkest valley I will praise You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You, Lord my God
Even in my loneliness I will trust You Lord
I will trust You, Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You, I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget that You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer, I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now

Even when my heart is torn, I will trust You Lord
Even when I feel deserted, I will trust You Lord
Even in the darkest valley I will trust You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord"

"Yet I Will Praise You" by Vineyard

I just came back from a two hour meeting with Sewon, Basile, and Hyewon for the junior/senior fellowship. WOW. I'm really excited about it. I think it's going to be lots of fun and I hope that a lot of people will be able to make it. ACK! I'm so excited!!! ahahaa. =]

Today was a good day largely due to the beautiful rain.

I cooked dinner for Karen and Sewon today. Well, I mostly defrosted and microwaved a bunch of food. I was going to do this arduous task all by myself but they came early so they ended up preparing a large part of it. Haha. My mentality is so different from Karen and Sewon's. While I was going to microwave some ban chan, Sewon took out a frying pan and reheated the food that way. I must admit, the food did taste much better. =]

I also learned how to play Scrabble for the first time today. We wanted to play the famous speed scrabble but there weren't any directions to follow. I suppose that it was better that I started off with the og version though since the original way was already confusing enough. Scrabble is so HARD. I could only come up with two or three letter words. Sometimes four. *sigh* What a pitiful result from a Whitney and Berkeley education.

Yay for long talks. =D I just came back from a four hour long talk with Sewon and Karen. A list of the topics we discussed: food, potch, praise at ficb, praise in general, pastor eugene, our class, the ministry, the other classes, the guys in our class, marriage, boys, and our struggles/opinions/experiences/stories about all of the above mentioned.

*This is one thing Sewon mentioned that I really took to heart: Our walks with God basically determine how everything else in our lives play out. When our walks are strong and happy, our lives completely reflect that. Difficulties and struggles arise when we place anything else above our walks with God.

Earlier today before we went to study, Sewon and Karen and I played about an hour and a half's worth of Taboo. I love Taboo. It's so great playing with close friends cuz you can say the most random stuff and they'll still be able to get what the heck you're saying. Especially since every other word is always somehow related to food. =]

This is a new word I learned today in Taboo: hearse.
Definition: The vehicle that carries a coffin to the cemetary.
Example of the word in a sentence: Karen knew a girl in high school who drove around a hearse for fun.

I just came back from studying at Denny's with Karen and Sewon. I had a lot of fun, partly because I haven't seen either of the two for a while and also cuz we had two orders of seasoned fries with lots of ketchup and tabasco and an oreo sundae. There were also a lot of people at Denny's tonight: Sneve Noh, Unjung, Alex Song, Andrew Park, and SueJong. One unhappy thing that deterred me from having too much fun was seeing the incredible amount of reading that I need to do. It's depressing actually. But I'm going to try my best to catch up. Hopefully...

The drive up back to Berkeley wasn't too bad except that I was very very tired and so it became difficult. My contacts were really dry so I was blinking a lot and I did a lot of swaying between the lanes. I know it's not safe, but I thought that both Jane and my sister were sleeping and I didn't want to bother them. And the last thing I wanted to do was to stop and rest and end up crashing the whole night. I wanted to hurry up and get home as soon as possible. Yeah, my logic is retarded.

We arrived back in Berkeley at 5am. I was exhausted so I slept in today and missed my two classes, rationalizing with myself on why it was okay to miss class. I finally dragged myself out of bed around 5pm, took a shower, ate, and went to work.

Now I want to talk about food: I had Thai for lunch yesterday with my sister, Jeniffer, and Cindy. We all hadn't eaten Thai for a long time so we each ordered something so that we could sample each other's food. We had pad thai, chicken pad see-ew, bbq chicken, and chicken chow mein. For dinner I had mandoo guk and chicken and ban-berry pie from Polly's. It was delicious. I also brought up an obscene amount of food from home. Oodles of yummy goodies, including a freakin cow, lots of munchies, and apples, strawberries, and tangerines. wow. If you be hungry, please come over and partake in my plethora of food.

My parents are really cool people. I realize more and more how much I appreciate them and love them for who they are. =D My dad is so freaking obnoxious and my mom's a little brat. It's so great. =D But no matter how obnoxious or bratty they are, they have continuously sacrificed themselves for me and my sister. I just realized how supportive they are of me. I don't know why I always take that for granted. I suck. *sigh*

I also rummaged through some old photo albums and brought up some of my baby pictures. Gosh I was ugly when I was little. There was this one where I had particles of rice stuck all over my face. It was so freaking disgusting cuz I was grinning like an idiot. Or one where I was running around barenaked except for my diaper with a BOY. My parents let me romp with a naked boy. hahaha. How sick. But dang, there were some good memories.

Today was Christina's wedding. She was my old Bible study teacher in high school. Words can't describe how truly beautiful she was and the whole wedding ceremony. I don't think I've ever seen a couple so much in love or so blessed by God. =D

Today was so great though. I saw all my old teachers and jdsns who I haven't seen since high school. It was towards the end of high school where things started falling apart and the majority of them all left OMC. But it was this huge OMC reunion today. =] I felt so old seeing Charles and Kathy with not only Calvin, but their new 18 month old son Caleb. Or remembering Solomon as a baby when he left, and now seeing him as David and Grace's adorable two year old toddler. They also have a newborn son Aaron, who is barely two months old. And everyone is engaged... Peter is engaged, Kani is engaged, Jenny is engaged, and my former APC at Unit 3, Christina, is also engaged. I ran into her today at the wedding and was completely shocked that she was there. It turns out that she was Christina's old small group leader when they were undergrads at UCSD. So ironic cuz Christina was my Bible study teacher my last couple years of high school. Another crazy story... Tom's brother, is engaged to Peter's finance's sister. So now all those rumors about Peter and Tom being homosexual lovers are finally dispelled. =D I had so much fun today... lots of emotions and tears but they were all very happy and very good. =]

Home is so dang great. I love it here. And I love my parents. =]

Lush green grass is very beautiful... unfortunately, gold grass is not. Mike Tainatongo told me in the 8th grade that gold grass was what nice green grass turns into during the summer when there is no water and the plants are withered and desiccated due to the scorching sun. He then pointed to a field of this dead grass as an example and told me that was what I was. Hideous. Maybe that is why I despise the sun so much.

Warm happy feeling of the day: Julie Kim and I were walking to our Poli Sci 150 lecture in Cory when I saw our professor ahead of us. Professor Robert Kagan is very very cute. He seems to be in his mid-60's, has an ample supply of white hair except at the very top of his head [at which point there are only a few wispy strands], has a red wrinkled face, and has squinty twinkling friendly eyes. He was riding a bicycle. Our professor not only had a helmet on, but also wore Velcro straps around the bottom of each pant leg to prevent his pants from catching on the gears of the bicycle. To carry his green bookbag of lecture material, he had a small basket protruding out of the left side of his bicycle. =]

I ate at the super dc tonight with Jung and Janet, after Alice Byun swiped us in. She had already left the dc, but we forced her to stand back in line with us, just to swipe us in. She's so nice. I know we suck. =/ Oh, and my feet hurt a lot. I never realized until today how much it pays to look good. The dc had soft serve vanilla today, so I was excited. Unfortunately, it was on the verge of running out so we were forced to literally pump the handle. It reminded me of taking a ddong and the strenuous effort one has to exert in order to force out a "log-like" ddong. "Log-like" meaning that it's very thick and dry and very difficult to push out. For every inch we pumped out, when we lifted the handle back up, half an inch would go back in. It took forever to get a substantial amount.

I've been not studying and instead cleaned and organized my desk. That led to discovering old letters and pictures and delving into the past memories and feelings for the past couple of hours. There is always this tinge of sadness whenever I am reminded of old times.

I shouldn't be blogging, but everyone signed off already and I'm feeling lonely.

Today was a very long day. It started late at 11am, but it officially ended at 1am.

This is something interesting that I discovered today: People study at the library... during the day. *gasp* I had to go to the library to meet someone and while I was walking there, imagine my surprise seeing Andy Chon about 10 feet in front of me, headed towards the library as well. Imagine my greater surprise to see him actually enter the library. And then imagine my astonishment when I go down to level D in pursuit of Andy to instead find, Danny, Alice, Esther, John Song, and Alex there... studying. I couldn't believe it. But I have been inspired and challenged to go to the library on a more frequent basis now.

Today's purchases:
-Jack in the Box: $2.25
-See's Candies: $6.00
-Aerosoles socks: $6.46
-Cathy Jean shoes: $75.75
-Garfield & Marks suit: $528.27

Total: $618.73

I'm going to write properly from now on, so I will capitalize when appropriate.

I am currently feeling very heavy-hearted, anxious, uncertain, regretful, and overwhelmed. I hurt.

My prediction is that it is going to be a dreadfully long week.

I met this guy today called Alex. He was born in Seoul, Korea and when he was just six months old, his family gave him up for adoption. For five months he was at an orphanage until he was adopted at 11 months by a couple in the US. He grew up in Pasadena with an Irish-Catholic father and a Jewish mother. When he was six years old, his father passed away and his mom re-married a German man. His step-father's lineage can be traced back as the founding family for the Nazi party. Such irony. When asked his religion, Alex says that he is Jewish. He never wishes to locate his birthparents. He also wishes to do nothing about his Korean heritage, and does not embrace his Korean culture whatsoever. He hates kimchi.

karen cooked me, roy, sewon and judy a three course french meal last night: french onion soup, chicken cordon bleu, and creme brulee. there are official french names for all of these in addition to lots of accents and apostrophes, but unfortunately i lack sufficient knowledge in the romantic language of french. or is it france...?

anyways, it was delicious. don't let karen tell you anything else. silly girl kept apologizing for her wonderful meal. haha. and "most gentlemanly" roy brought over valentine's day cupcakes he quickly bought at andronico's before coming over. ahahaha. that was fun. i had fun last night. =]

last night and today i was again reminded that i've been blessed with some pretty dang cool people in my life. i don't want to name names cuz that'll result in the inflating of certain people's already large egos, but hopefully none of the people i'm talking about are stupid enough to not know that i'm talking about them. =D

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."

i think i've been getting progressively sicker since wed night so when i woke up this morning, i deduced that i was sick. i spent the whole day by myself sleeping, eating and cleaning. it was sort of fun.

the highlight of my day was when i burrowed myself under pillows and blankets with a dole's orange-pineapple popsicle [with fresh pineapple chunks] and watched dead poet's society. i haven't seen that movie since i was in elementary school. i remember we watched it in the huge multipurpose room, and i was sitting on the ground on the edge, next to mrs. becker's door and the bathroom area. a room full of hopeful and impressionable young minds. haha. those days were the best.

there is this emotional chain attached to my heart and everytime that chain gets jerked around, my heart aches. i'm being melodramatic, but this constant crashing of emotions on top of each other in all sorts of different intensities and frequencies is too much to handle. why must there be such an endless barrage of emotions that are to be felt?

i hate the fact that i'm stressing already and that my life is filled with uncertainty and fear. why?

i was driving to pusan earlier today to get stuff for the sophomores and i saw a mini protest to save the oakland public library from closing down. about 10-12 little kids and a few adults were marching up and down the sidewalk holding up their handmade protest signs. wow. why can't i be as convicted as they are?

on the way home from denny's, everytime billy passed roach's car, basile and margaret would wave an enthusiastic hello at us. it happened three times, all within the span of a couple minutes. only basile and margaret would perform such a simple act three times and honestly enjoy it and mean it. i was laughing a lot when i saw them keep waving at us, but it was one of those self-actualization painful laughters. why can't i be as nice and warmhearted as them?

i'm exhausted right now. emotionally, mentally, and physically. everything hurts.

i am so thankful that i have a good enough friend that i can wholeheartedly share everything with. there's this unexplainable feeling of freedom that comes with having the assurance that you can speak freely about anything and that person won't rebuke or judge you. it's such a great feeling.

song of the moment that i've been repeatedly listening to: after the music fades by shaun groves

thank you nancy for letting me borrow your shoes tonight. it was a bit of a struggle at first though cuz i'm not used to wearing such girlie shoes. and i realize that i must normally walk like a namj cuz there was no way that i was able to maintain my balance while wearing those shoes. i constantly felt like i was going to tip over and fall on my face. ugh. that would have been an ugly sight. but thank you for your generosity. and for the delicious cheese and crackers. =D

...

earlier today, andy and nancy were chatting online about me while i was standing next to nancy reading their convo. that felt weird cuz i felt like that dead guy from ghost watching his wife. anyways, stupid balding, big-eared andy chon was complaining about how i don't publish my blogs a lot, thus forcing him to read up to "10 entries" at one time. i remember him typing "10 entries" exactly.

this is my response: "don't complain about my blog you poop. i'm not forcing you to read it so shaddup about the way i do my thang." =T haha. on a more serious note however, there are very personal reasons why i don't publish right away. i'll reveal one reason why. i'm often faced with difficult struggles throughout this wonderful journey we refer to as life and it has become a natural inclination of mine to blog as a means to vent and clear my thoughts when i do struggle. an emotional catharsis. the thing is, i don't like to make it publicly known at the time i'm undergoing something that i'm undergoing something. i don't like it when people pretend to be sympathetic and act like they care when they're just being nosy and intrusive. that's the last thing i need when i'm hurting. only when i feel the issue has been resolved do i feel compelled to publish. this blog isn't really meant for anyone else but me, so i honestly believe that i can do as i please. maybe i'm being idealistic, but i'd like to think that when i am going through a difficult time, people would be hearing from me personally and not be finding out how i'm doing through my blog. i would be insulted if anyone i considered a friend would do that to me.

i hope this explanation suffices andy chon. let me know what you think.

projected time of esbn media presentation completion:
.:Friday, February 28, 2003:.

Dear God,
Please please please let me finish this by then.
Thank you.
Amen.

exactly one month left. =/

-first i get this from judy:
JUDwhaEE: get ready
JUDwhaEE: sewon and i are talkin about your IM style
JUDwhaEE: and how we LOVE it
JUDwhaEE: hehehe
JUDwhaEE: (i'm being sarcastic)

-then i get this from sewon:
bCxaNgeL143: haha...if u talk to jahndee tho, there's no point
JUDwhaEE: cuz she spellz eveting like dis?
bCxaNgeL143: no
bCxaNgeL143: yea
bCxaNgeL143: eh...she makes so many typos
JUDwhaEE: oh yea
bCxaNgeL143: bCxaNgeL143: it's funny
JUDwhaEE: haha
bCxaNgeL143: she always says food or good
bCxaNgeL143: pay attention to that
bCxaNgeL143: true fat guy side
bCxaNgeL143: UDwhaEE: she does this a lot too...
JUDwhaEE: gagagagag
JUDwhaEE: jajajajjaja
bCxaNgeL143: yea!!
bCxaNgeL143: hahahaha
bCxaNgeL143: JUDwhaEE: and she gets overly excited on her 99
JUDwhaEE: 999999!
JUDwhaEE: hahaha

-and then this simultaneously from the both of them:
bCxaNgeL143: hahahaha
bCxaNgeL143: funny huh?

JUDwhaEE: we were talkin about how we both make a lot of mistakes
JUDwhaEE: and then we brought in the other fat guy
JUDwhaEE: u should feel special!
JUDwhaEE: haha
Kpxgrlx012: i feel special in that handicapped special way
JUDwhaEE: HAHAHHA
JUDwhaEE: hahahhaa
JUDwhaEE: 999!
JUDwhaEE: hehe

evil haters. =[

very happy moment of the day: i didn't see heidi for almost two months, and she wasn't here last week cuz her mom was sick. so i was worried that she'd forgotten me by now, and i was all paranoid cuz it took me so long to get her to recognize me. the last thing i wanted was for her to start bawling at the mere sight of me. when i went downstairs today, i was putting my stuff down and i heard grace's mom say, "eun-ju yah, unni wat dah. unni han teh gah." so i look up, and there's heidi standing like 5 feet away staring at me. and she kept staring at me til i started thinking that she didn't recognize me. but then she did cuz she totally started running/walking really fast right towards me. =D yay yay! heidi is so dang cute. and she's a heifer just like me and the fat guys. omg, it's like we're soulmates. i love it. =D

i just came back from watching bowling for columbine. i think michael moore is a genius. i found his film to be very gripping and powerful. i read a review right before watching the movie, and it said that the film would leave you this unsettling feeling and it was very true. i can't really express how i feel right now. nancy said helpless and i agree. i feel very sad and helpless that there is so much corruption in our nation, and that so many people, myself included, are oblivious to what really goes on around them. michael moore dispelled many of the ludicrous reasons that the media spoonfeeds us everyday. the interview with marilyn manson was pretty crazy. the live camera footage from the actual columbine shooting was unbelievable. so many things happen everyday, and we are either consciously or unconsciously ignorant of a large part of it.

talking always results in learning more.

here's what i took to heart: i am blessed in so many ways already and yet i am never content with what i have. instead, i constantly seek for more... always dissatisfied and envious of what other people have. i need to be thankful for what i have at this very moment because what God has given me is more than sufficent. and as my dependence increasingly grows on God, i find myself more and more unworthy and undeserving of His grace and love.

i need to stop being so quick in making rash assumptions and judging people. and i need to earnestly pray and think instead of acting on impulsive feelings and reactions.

yesterday wasn't good, but today was a lot better.

God always provides. i talked to my poli sci 150 gsi and he said that i could get into his section. i think he remembers me from last semester. but i hope he doesn't think i'm stalking him. although that may be what i'm doing. also, i think english 100 is going to work out too. it's originally scheduled to be tues and thurs, 5-6:30pm and a screening on thursday after lecture from 7-10pm. i was worried cuz my small group decided to meet on tuesdays at 6:30pm and although that's a good time, i need to pick up kathy, one of the freshmen, from her art college and there would be no time to do so. so i'm ecstatic that professor bader said that we are only going to meet once a week on thursdays from 5-9:30pm. wow. =]

i just need to know now if i can get into my two waitlisted legal studies classes...
*crossing fingers*

today wasn't good.

i got caught in the rain, with no umbrella and my rocket dogs. i was slipping and sliding every 5 feet. normally, i'd enjoy being in the rain, but my schedule is so freakin nasty i really can't enjoy anything.

my class schedule sucks so hence my work schedule sucks. at my work meeting today, we chose hours for the next few weeks. but since my schedule is so conflicting, i barely have any shifts and am now working less than ten hours. it worries me that i'm working so little.

good things that happened though were that nancy, karen, and i went to costco. but the trip wasn't as great as it usually is cuz we arrived so late all the yummy samples were gone. and i bought some socks from costco and while i was trying to lug all my stuff up the stairs in one trip, the socks fell and bounced all the way down into a nice muddy puddle of rainwater.

now, at home, i'm feeling nervous and stressed. nothing's ever certain. there are too many questions that are left unanswered... too many what if? and should i? questions.

now, at home, i'm thankful for the rain.

gosh. this is how nice my co-worker is.

at work, for some reason, it's freakin cold in here. i can't describe how freezing it is in here. i stepped outside to take a phone call and the outside night air was warmer than inside the deutsch main lounge. insane. anyways, my stupid sweater thingie is knitted so there's all these gaping holes in it and all the cold air was seeping in onto my bare skin. and then trung, my co-worker, sauntered in cuz he lives in deutsch hall and stopped by to say hi. he saw how cold i was so he went upstairs and brought me one of his sweaters to wear for the rest of my shift. so now i'm warm and content in his lovely white hoodie. non-church boys are the epitome of true gentlemen. =]

boys' clothes make me happy. when i get my 6'0" rippling muscle, broad shouldered namj, he better let me prance about in his clothes. what is it about boys' apparel that just makes you feel more safe and secure?

feels weird to be at work again.

first day of classes wasn't that great. i'm really worried about my schedule this year. a lot of stuff happened a few days right before school started so my schedule is looking pretty nasty. i hope everything works out soon though. until then, i'm currently attending 24 units of classes. *sigh*

sunday:
-sat in during perspectives. it was a different experience for me. the speaker was good, but he threw out so many bible verses for references, i got a bit lost and it was hard to concentrate on what he was saying. my language group is pai, which is located in nigeria. i really hope that i will be consistent in my prayer for these people.
-finally got to see karen today for the first time in too long. it was really really great seeing her again. she brought me back lots of foreign goodies and was very successful in her mission to acquire green apple mentos from different countries. thanks karen! =D
-"nae sarang pat jee" is a new korean drama with hottie kim rae won in it. i find him irresistible and scrumptious. *drool*

monday:
-had lunch at the super dc with a million freshies and nancy. there wasn't any real ice cream though. i was really sad.
-watched catch me if you can and ate at pasta pomodoro with andy and nancy. i always have fun with them. they make me happy.
-finished "nae sarang pat jee." kim rae won is incredibly hot.

got back from ficb winter retreat today. it was a lot of fun. what particularly struck me was the co-ed small groups we had. i'd have thought ficb would think co-ed small groups would be too racy of an idea, but i'm really glad that they decided to put us into co-ed groups. i'm always curious to know a boy's opinions and thoughts about God and it never ceases to amaze me when i discover that a boy can have the same struggles as a girl.

the ropes course was memorable. our group did the high rise stuff first and we did the zipline and the lion's leap. i dunno how i did the zipline but i'm glad that i did it. climbing up that 50 foot tree was no easy task, especially when midway up, the tree started shaking like crazy cuz someone had just jumped off. and when i got up to the platform, it took me forever to jump off. i asked my group leader to push me off instead. she gave me this really weird look. =/ i must have been really ugly on the way down too. my mouth hurt cuz it was stretched open so wide and i couldn't open my eyes. nevertheless, it was very exhilarating. the lion's leap was scarier though. i really related to what john im was saying in his testimony. our group leader told us that we should imagine the bar as a goal or some aspiration that we wanted to attain. and that by getting the bar, or even trying for it and missing, it would be symbolic of achieving that future goal. it was something like that. her speech was pretty dorky and cliche. but i listened anyways and it still motivated me. when i got up there i was all pumped up and thinking about my goal and how no matter what, i was going to get that bar. but up there, at the edge of the plank, i froze again. the end wasn't really supported by anything so it started shaking from my stupid legs. i think i was up there for several minutes, staring at the bar in amazement at how far the bar was away from me. the group leader kept saying, "what are you afraid of? don't worry... we have you. etc etc" in the beginning i only listened half-heartedly cuz i was busy stretching out my arms as much as possible and wiggling my fingers in desperate hope that i could will the bar to somehow make its way to me. but then i listened to what she was telling me. and i realized that i really didn't have anything to be afraid of. ugh. i got really disgusted at myself for being so foolish. i guess it was a leap of faith. *shrug* that sounds dumb and sappy but i don't think i know how else to describe it. nevertheless, i'm really glad for this whole experience. =]

other memories...
-the drive to the retreat site. the trees with their convoluted branches were really beautiful. there weren't any leaves on them, but their ugly twisted branches silhouetted against the blue sky took my breath away. it's crazy how just like snowflakes, no tree is ever exactly alike with another tree. there were also parts where the grass was really really green and there was meadows filled with yellow wildflowers. and black and white happy cows. it made me really happy.
-taking a shower simultaneously with nancy, sewon, and judy cuz they needed my costco sized shampoo.
-staying alive as a civilian throughout an entire game of mafia. that has never happened to me before.
-mejeld apologizing in advance for having to grope my butt.

back in berkeley.

the drive up was... eventful. i don't think i'll ever caravan again. i guess it started when my car arrived half an hour late to roy's house and it took us another 5-10 minutes to transfer the luggage in the backseat of my car to roach's car. and then i lost my keys, preventing roy's mom from being able to leave the driveway. and then roach and i got lost following roy within the first five minutes on the way to the gas station. and then i didn't know how to use the gas pump that only ghetto places like downey still use. and then roy almost ran me off the freeway cuz he didn't check before switching lanes. and then roy's car started smoking like crazy after he slammed on the brakes to prevent himself from rear-ending me [i braked really hard cuz the car in front of me braked hard suddenly too]. after letting roy lead again, my car watched little puffs of smoke spurt out occasionally from roy's car all the way to margaret's house. upon arriving, we all watched smoke creep out from under roy's hood and liquid drip from his car. on the way up to berkeley, i led and roy was sandwiched between roach and me. i never drove over 90 mph and i checked the rearview mirror every 20 seconds to make sure roy's car was ok. it took us 8 hours to reach berkeley.

i'm grateful we all got here safely except poor (_I_)crack. unfortunately, i don't like berkeley and i wish i could go back home.

quick recap...
went to maggiano's at the grove on sunday. it was my last meal with my church buddies. went to ucla afterwards and got some diddy riese $2.50 for a dozen day old cookies and relaxtation boba. went to century city to watch antwone fisher. i liked that movie a lot too. it was inspiring and witty. afterwards we ordered lamonica's ny pizza. it's huge and cheap and cheesy. the mushroom pizza is really yummy.

i had lunch with julie today at sweetie thai. it was pretty good. afterwards we watched about schmidt at the cerritos mall. i don't really know what i was supposed to get out of that movie. the theater's audience was largely old, white people and the humor of the movie was geared towards that audience. me and julie would look over at each other and nervously chuckle while the rest of the theater was cracking up. the movie had a happy ending though so that was good. i felt sorry for jack nicholson's character in the beginning of the movie. i wonder what my life will be like when i retire...

my mom, sister, and i went to downey to eat at this chinese buffet for our last meal together. big mistake. the food was horrible. i pity downey people for having such a nasty restaurant in their little town. but the time spent with my mom was great. i love how as i'm getting older, my relationship with her is steadily strengthening. my mom is pretty funny. she refuses to let me marry a pastor cuz "too much spiritual." ahaha. i always thought my mom would be ecstatic if i married a holy man. apparently, she's horrified at that thought. she prefers that i marry an accountant or a doctor or a lawyer. but she refuses to take care of my five children. =[ darn.

hannah drove from woodland hills to la to pick up jane and they came to my place in cerritos. then i drove us to riverside to linda's place. linda then gave us a quick tour of the campus and we ate at los jilbertos before going off to cabazon. riverside's campus is pretty dang small. i walked 2-3 min into campus and linda said that we are at the center already. and from where i stood i could see the entire campus. linda attends the church where greg laurie preaches at. he's the guy that speaks during harvest crusade for those of you who don't know him. she says that every sunday they have concerts from all sorts of famous christian singers such as crystal lewis, smalltown poets, and sonicflood. how freakin awesome is that. =]

los jilbertos is just like albertaco's except they have a salsa bar where you can get pico de gallo sala and all the carrots and jalepenos you want. and their carne asada fries are considerably larger than albertaco's. i've had carne asada for the past two days. i can't believe i'm saying this but i'm really sick of it now. =[ how sad. linda's bf su-wan came with james and eric and another boy. cabazon was fun cept there wasn't too much to buy and we had a time limit. we made a rule that each of us had to buy at least one thing before leaving. linda and jane each got club monaco jeans and sweats. i bought the same pair of club monaco sweats and a black leather purse from nine west and this cheesy romance novel for three dollars. hannah bought godiva chocolate which we devoured in the car. i really like my church friends a lot. i can't emphasize that enough. funniest moment was when i burped really deeply and three seconds later hannah starts choking and gasping for air at its rancid stench. ahahaha. =D

i went to the valley today and i had a lovely fat guy reunion with sewon, judy, and kristy. we ate at wood ranch. judy and i split the bbq chicken salad and a bbq beef brisket sandwich. then we hit up coffee bean. the mocha drink i got was hot and it wasn't as sweet as i wanted it to be. so i traded with judy who already drank like 2/3 of hers and gave her my nice, full cup. =D the coffe-aholic that she is, judy drank it after only a little bit of complaining. =D hahaha. we also watched adaptation. i really really like that movie a lot. it literally took my breath away. the two car accident scenes were too real for me and i found my mouth hanging open and my throat dry cuz i'd forget to take a breathe. wow. it was pretty crazy. i love talking about movies and analyzing them with friends. i love hearing people's opinions and views on things. it totally broadens my perspectives and it makes me understand the person better. and i hate voicing my own opinions cuz i'm never as insightful as other people are. so i can't really give this crazy analysis on the movie... but i liked how meryl streep and nicolas cage had the same personalities and were both heading down the same path until nicolas cage decided to adapt, or change. and i liked the part when meryl streep finally gets to see the orchid and when she finally does, all she can say about it is that it's a flower. i think we all place too much expectations on the unnecessary things in life, thus being extra disappointed and hurt when those expectations fall through. *shrug*

came back from a three day boarding trip with berkeley kcpc people today. i had LOTS of fun. so much fun that i forgot where i was and completely lived in the moment. it was great. berkeley buddies are really quite special and fun. i know everyone already blogged about the trip but now it's my turn. hehe. i'm gonna use judy's method to mention a lil something i observed/learned about each person that went on this trip. =D

steve: "sneve." steve noh couldn't board or ski cuz of his arm so he was stuck with me while everyone else went boarding. he is very funny and nice. he bought french fries while we were waiting and shared them with me and nancy. also, when it's late at night or when he's tired, his voice changes and it becomes really deep and sexy. i like that voice a lot.
jack: jack ku, judy, and i stayed up til 6am the first night talking. it was the first real conversation i ever had with jack ku. he dispelled a lot of my old thoughts about him. unfortunately, i don't think i changed any of his opinions about me. jack is very body and speech conscious and knows how to dress very well. he is also an avid reader, a fact that intrigued me very much.
billy: billy is a crazy mafia player. i get nervous everytime he starts talking even if i'm a civilian. it was crazy how he tricked judy into confessing that she was mafia. very impressive. billy also likes to fondle steve's boobies and is very defensive when we make fun of jack ku.
andy: andy has no cavities and has perfect vision. he's also very helpful in the kitchen and knows how to cook a lot of korean food. he can also solve riddles very quickly and easily. he is very smart. i understand why everyone believes he is such a great catch.
judy: judy is a funny girl. she was tired from the beginning of the trip but she didn't go to sleep til 6am the first night. and then she boarded the next day too. hahaha. judy also let me read her copy of the prayer of jabez. i honestly believe that judy is one of the smartest and most intelligent people that i know.
kristy: kristy has straight hair now. she looks good. =] kristy taught me how to board while we were waiting for everyone to come back with water bottles. it was fun. i feel like i'm a pro now. hahaha. she's also really good at billy's ebay game.
peggy: i admire peggy's excellent taste in food. =D she drove her van even though she got a lot of crap for it. without her, many people wouldn't have been able to come on the trip. peggy also scared the crap out of me during our last mafia game when she told me and anica that she was cop. her eyes got FREAKIN huge. i screamed really loudly.
nancy: i like nancy kim a lot. thank you to nancy for making everything work out great. =] nancy and i both have insanely large feet. we concluded that the reason why our feet are always so cold is cuz the circulation of blood can't reach our monstrous ogre feet.
anica: i'm glad i got to see anica cuz i haven't talked to her for a while. during the last game of mafia i joined alliances with her cuz she was angel. she and i started freakin out when peggy told us she was cop and then nancy told us she was cop too. *shudder* anica gave me lotion to put on my eye cuz it had a bump on it. and she lent me her cashmere gloves when steve noh and i were freezing our butts off outside. she is very nice. =D
margaret: margaret always has a smile on her face and i find that very encouraging. she also ate "sah ddoh bap" with milk for breakfast. that seriously amazed me. i wonder what it tasted like.
esther: i'm really glad that i got to know esther better on this trip. she is a crazy mafia player. she lies very well and is very convincing. i wish i could be like her. my conclusion: all young nak people must be excellent mafia players. oh. and she's dang good in korean. she used words no one knew. hahaha.

i've been to roscoes twice since the last time i blogged. i think that's one of my new favorite places to eat. black people are pretty dang cool. one of the times i went i had this really nice waiter who had this awesome awesome radio voice. so smooth and deep and bass-y i had chills when he asked us how we were doing. =] i also met up with vivian chong and over amerikahn we talked about our futures. she's also intended pre-law and thinking about going to the ucdc program. so many people that i've met up this break are interested in law. i'm glad that God has provided old friends headed towards the same path so that it gives me a way to connect and relate to them. also went to cafe clairs in garden grove with jennifer, tammie, kim, amy, and i. dang. i've missed gwa-il bing soo and coffee bing soo sooooooo much. on sunday we went to ktown plaza and ate there. omg. i haven't been there since high school. hahha it was lots of fun. and then we all went to cafe home at what was once known as players plaza and had more pat bing soo there. yay. i really like church buddies. =D then later i went to my weh halmoni's house and we ate dduk gook and watched champion, this true story about a korean boxer who made it all the way to the world champions before dying in the ring. this is the last time i'm going to see my halmoni for a while. probably not until the summer. i'm really sad.

today i went to downey to eat with alex, linda, and roy. roy has so much stinkin pride in his little city. he was driving around showing off what downey has to offer. it isn't much. haha. =] we ate lunch at this mexican food place that i forgot the name of and it was pretty good. i had a lot of fun. roy and linda never tried orange bang before in their lives. alex and i were flabbergasted. roy and i found a common link between us: the excessive amount of napkins we use while eating. ahahaha. i beat him at 25 though. *high five* for me =D we went to stonewood mall after cuz linda said that there was a place that had churros with different fillings in the middle. but when we went, the stand was gone and was replaced by a great kahn. linda was really sad. =[

i had to leave then and went to usc to pick up jennie lee so that we could hit up ucla and play there. we met up with gloria hu and ate at curry house. then me jennie and viv went to diddy riese for their yummy one dollar ice cream sandwiches. what was crazy was that while we were crossing the street to diddy riese, my legal studies 184 gsi was crossing the street at the same time and he passed right by me. jason is freakin cute [he looks like vin diesel] and freakin smart [he's a third year at boalt] and is freakin cool. unfortunately, he is miniscule. i think with my shoes on i'm taller or at most eye level with him. but height isn't essential when it comes to jason o. and he has an identical twin brother also. omg omg. who is also freakin smart cuz he's at ucla law school. which is why i'm assuming jason was there with his bro. anyways, i wanted to say hi so i turned around and started stalking him. i saw him go into starbucks so i casually sauntered in there thinking how cool i'd look if i "accidentally" bumped into him there. unfortunately he wasn't there and i was really really sad. my friends pitied me so we sat next to the window at starbucks where i kept people watching in hopes that i'd be able to see him again. but no luck. so freakin sad. anyways, after that we went to tammie, esther, and lorraine's place and chilled there with vivian. we watched my best friend's wedding and then the special edition of bring it on that included blaque's music video and sing-a-long words to the cheer in the beginning of the movie. that definitely perked me up a lot. i love bring it on. =D

spent new years at my aunties house in downey today. my dad's side of the family is not really big on old traditions so seh bae-ing and stuff is taken really lightly. this year, we seh baed before we ate so the whole process took like 15 minutes total. *bam bam bam* my girl cousins cept myself and my sister all seh bae boy-style on two knees. it's funny how no one corrects them, but if my weh halmoni saw my sister or i doing that, she'd freak out and make us do it the proper way over and over again. i love my weh halmoni incredibly. she is the sweetest and cutest person that i know. everytime i see her i am so thankful that God created such a wonderful woman. =D another example of how my dad's family isn't really traditional is the fact that there are interracial marriages within our family. my auntie tae is married to kamran, who is iranian. and my cousin julia is engaged to john, who is white. the current issue in the kum family matters is whether the family approves of john... who is a non Christian, divorced husband with a six year old daughter. since everything was done by 7ish or so, my cousins and i were thinking that we should take the lil ones to the movies. ahaahhaa. i've never seen such chaos. it took forever to choose a movie since the age range is from 6 years old to late thirtys. by the time we finally chose a movie that was suitable for both the kids and that fit within our time frame, the parents were against the idea since the kids would be out late and they didn't want to wait and drive back too late. kristen, the 6 year old, and brandon, her 10 (i think) year old brother, started wailing and pouting and crying. it got so bad that kristen screamed that it was the worst new years that she ever had. hahaha. the worst new years of the six she's experienced so far. that kid cracks me up. ahahaha

speaking of downey... i need to include this little spiel on roy chung and how i think he detests me. the other day i stopped by his house cuz i had to drop off something. roy refused a billion times. but i persisted, and i think he got annoyed cuz he finally let me come. but then, he gave me wrong directions so i ended up wandering around his neighborhood forever. [i think he did that purposely so that i'd get discouraged and just leave] unfortunately for him, i found his house. and afterwards, while i was leaving, roy suddenly started to pretend that he was my friend and offered me a slice of mocha roll cake. i was instantly suspicious of this unusually nice behavior so i refused it politely. but he kept pressuring me to take it so i finally did. and as i left, he again gave me wrong directions so again i ended up lost in his dumb neighborhood trying to get out. [again i think he did this intentionally cuz mean people always get kicks out of stuff like this] the next day, my mom and i decided to share the piece of cake roy gave me. we opened it and saw that there was mold on it. [i think he was trying to poison me] my mom was horrified and wondered what kind of cruel and evil person would offer moldy cake to her precious daughter. my mom should beat roy up.

happy happy new year.

i can't believe a year's gone by already. time's passing by so quickly that it stays within our grasp for a fleeting moment before slipping out of our control again and continuing on its way. i'm going to make a resolution this year. or i'm going to try to at least. the christmas service was about always being joyful in all circumstances. there's been innumerable times where if something isn't peachy keen, i freak out and panic and don't trust that God will work everything out. and yet reflecting back not only on this year, but throughout my entire life, there's never been a moment where in retrospect, i regret any of the outcomes that resulted from my actions. so even if my entire world is falling into shambles around me, i am going to try to find the joy in each circumstance and situation and try to focus on that as encouragement instead of allowing myself to be dragged down. everything happens for a reason. and everything is in accordance to God's will.

i met up with my old high school buddies, kim, tammie, and jennifer for lunch today. we ate at l&l in the south street plaza, a hawaiian restaurant similar to the loft. i think the loft has more variety, but the macroni salad at l&l is much tastier. for dessert, we ate at coldstone's. tammie and jennifer are both going to do law and they seem very hardcore about it. they were asking me all these questions about the lsat and what law school i wanted to go, but i couldn't answer them. i feel like we're growing up too quickly. i watched drumline with them too. it's a pretty good movie. i thought it was just like a black bring it on, but it's a bit more serious and and intense than bring it on. the drumming stuff in the movie is crazy awesome. black drummers are my new object of affections.

i just came back from secret santa at nancy's place. it was good seeing berkeley people. i forgot how fun berkeley people can be. =] paul was my secret santa and he gave me the dvd for monsters inc. i'm really excited and happy. this gives me an incentive to start saving up for a dvd player. but until then, taryn has graciously offered her player for temporary use. =] we also played scattergories forever. i can't believe how much time can be wasted trying to figure out stupid punishments. it's ridiculous.

sunday = play with church friends day today. =D after church jane, jeniffer, linda and i went to "go rae sum" on vermont for lunch. that place is so freakin good. anyways, while we were catching up, we ran into katherine, who is going to produce her own show on nbc. pretty dang impressive. anyways, afterwards we went back to church to wait for suzy, who had just come back from youth group retreat. and we ran into gina lee who was picking up her sisters. she looked good. there were about a million lil ones in the parking lot at church. they used five charter buses for this retreat. they haven't used that many since i was in 10th or 11th grade. it makes me happy that our youth group is seriously strengthening and growing. =] once we found suzy, who is smaller than most the kids, we all went to starbucks on larchmont and talked some more and had fun catching up. =D then my sis, jane and i went to the valley to play with hannah and elijah. we explored their huge, 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom house and then went to go watch a movie. their movie theatre is so stinkin popular that when we tried to watch a showing at 7-something, 13 of the 15 shows were sold out and we had to wait about 2 hours to watch chicago. to pass the time, we ate dinner at wolfgang puck's cafe. it's really good there. and chicago is a really good movie too. everyone can sing really well which surprised me in the good way. catherine zeta-jones is very powerful and vivacious in the movie. and taye digges is freakin hot. his voice is very sultry and smooth. yummy.

i went to my cousin's wedding today. she's the first one of my cousins on my dad's side to be married so everyone was making a big fuss over it. anyways, the ceremony was really simple and quick. the pastor messed up the lines so that my cousin had to say, "i gaena (gina), take tae, to be my lawfully wedded wife..." my cousin's freakin pretty. she has this elegant aura that shows how classy and bling blinging she is. for example, her engagement ring cost $55,000 and we had the yahk kon shik at the beverly hills country club. another example was her pasadena ritz carlton wedding reception. everyone got lobster and filet mignon. freakin nuts. but gaena looked gorgeous and her and tae look very happy together.

this was probably the only family function that my sis and i stayed for the entire time. and i had a surprisingly good time with the family. there was the traditional throwing of the flower bouquet and the garter and a nontraditional slideshow and cheesy white dj. the best part was afterwards when the dj played music and everyone started dancing on the dance floor. it was so fun watching all my aunties and uncles and cousins dancing. i realize that members of the kum lineage have not been blessed with the ability to maintain a rhythm while getting their groove thangs on. but what made the experience so heart-warming was that they kept dancing and working it regardless of the fact that they really can't dance. no shame, no shame. we may look like the biggest idiots out on the dance floor, but at least we're idiots having a freakin good time. =D

there was also this goooooooood looking guy named danny sitting at our table. omg. he was so freakin handsome. too bad he had a not so hot chick with him. *sigh* he was seriously one of the best looking specimens of the male population that i've ever seen. =] i've noticed that there's been a lot of yummy eye candy for me these days... i think God is either implying something or blessing me with such aesthetically pleasing beautiful things. =]

i just got back from an 8 hour shopping spree at south coast plaza. omg. it was freakin madness and chaos. never have i seen so many people nor such long lines. 8 HOURS STRAIGHT. christina, jennie, kristi and i wanted to kill people by the end of the day. or maybe it was just me. i hate crowded malls. i get freakin cranky and i start saying really mean comments. =/ anyways, i must rest up cuz i'm going back tomorrow.

i went to christmas service this morning with my family. after service, i ran into a lot of old friends and people that i haven't seen in months or years. it's interesting to see how people change. i suppose i've changed too. but anyways, it was great seeing my church buddies. we've all known each other for so many years now. i saw sam today too. i haven't seen him in like 4 years. but wow. seeing the girls and him brought back a flood of memories. good times, good times. =]

more and more fun for me. =]
yesterday, judy the booty drove from the valley to visit me and danny. she endured three hours of horrendous traffic for me. =D and albertacos. ahahaha. she's a true fat guy. =D we each ate a carne asada burrito and split carne asada fries. i love how much we love to eat. anyways, she arrived so late that she decided to spend the night at danny's to maximize her stay in our illustrious city. then judy, danny, brian, and me had brunch today at fantastic cafe. it's pretty good there. danny ate my sausages and bacon. and then julie kim joined us a lil later. it was fun bragging about our respective cities. haha. afterwards, i went to la to celebrate linda's birthday with linda, sharon, kristy, and jane kim at pf changs bistro. it's really yummy there. =] but the best part of it was when we gave linda her birthday present. sharon wrapped it so that linda had to unwrap a billion layers to get to her camera. her face expression was awesome. her jaw literally dropped. i love it when you give gifts and the person really loves the gift... completely with all their heart. witnessing that moment is a great feeling.

i'm really enjoying this winter break this year. i'm thinking it's cuz this semester was so crappy and i really needed a break. or maybe i'm making more of an effort to meet up with people and play with them. or maybe my mentality on various things is changing. regardless, i'm having lots of fun and i'm really loving spending time with friends and family. =]

merry christmas! God bless! =D

there was crazy traffic on the way to church today so my sister and i made it for the last 10 minutes of service, just in time to listen to the announcements. then a bunch of us went to eat lunch at the original thai bbq next to our church, which, in my opinion, is one of the best thai food places that i've eaten at. then most of us dispersed but hannah, jane, eli (such a manly man he is), and i went to the grove for shopping and more eating. after we hit up every store, we went to the public market adjacent to the grove and ate strawberry crepes. then we got tired so we left and went to toppers frozen yogurt to revive ourselves. i love hannah and eli. they are two of my most favorite people in the world. =D afterwards, while i was driving home, christina ahn called me and instead of going home, i ended up at tgif at cerritos towne center with christina and jennie lee, feasting on garlic breadsticks, philly cheesesteaks, and jack daniels chicken strips. and then we went to starbucks to get frapps and catch up. and while we were leaving, i ran into mike t, a boy who i haven't seen for over a year and someone who i have incredible fondness for. it was such a great day today despite some startling and slightly alarming news that i found out about. but there were lots of delicious food, lots of laughs, lots of good memories, and lots of happy moments. =D

i met the cutest guy today while shopping at macy's. i normally don't swoon over real life people but this guy was seriously cute and really nice. with nice eyes and nice teeth. definite plus. =D

i did some of my favorite things today:
-i watched a movie [lotr: the two towers... i simply ADORE legolas]
-i went grocery shopping for munchies
-i went to costco and wandered among the aisles
-i ate.
-i drove in the rain

*big grin* =D

i know, i know. "simple mind simple pleasures."

my cough has been getting worser and worser. meaning that the intensity and frequency of my coughing fits have been increasing, thus resulting in more headaches. ugh. i was so excited by the limitless quantities of food at home, i started greedily shoveling in as much as i could into my mouth. but then i choked cuz the epiglottis didn't close fast enough and all the food went into my trachea instead. at the same time, i started another coughing fit, so i ended up doubled over for about 45 seconds coughing my lungs [and what felt like every other organ in my body] out. and then i tasted the metallic bitterness of blood. so i spit into a napkin and saw blood intermixed with spit. that freaked me out. *sigh* i think God is punishing me for my extreme fat guyness, so i resolve to not eat as much anymore. or to at least take breaths of air between bites. i just pray this stupid cough goes away soon. =/

k. disregard that last post. i no longer despise myself although i do believe that i am the biggest fool. i think i allow myself to be duped by falsities and lies, believing that the world is a happy little place filled with happy little people. i guess that's my fault. which only proves that i AM the biggest fool cuz i deliberately and consciously hurt myself. *ironic chuckle* anyways, that was an aside... i have issues and it's not appropriate to showcase them for the public viewing pleasure. if you want to know, ask me, and let's talk. [look judy, i'm breaking free from the binding clutches of aim... hehe]

i'm home now. it's cold. i like it. earlier i was driving and i saw something that took my breath away. usually when you drive at night, all you see are the dark forms of the mountains silhouetted against the night sky. tonight however, right before i entered the grapevine, i noticed that the mountains had this illuminating glow, so that you could actually see the mountain and not just its form. the mountains were covered in snow... and the whiteness of it was reflected by the moonlight. and the mountains looked so close to me... so close that i reached out and tried to touch them. unfortunately i was prevented from doing so cuz of my stupid window. and as we drove through the grapevine, there was snow everywhere, even up to where the foot of the mountains and hills reached the side of the freeway. it was beautiful. i was awe-struck by those mountains. it made me feel really happy and peaceful.
[btw~ i apologize cuz i'm inarticulate at expressing myself so i'm not giving this the justice it deserves.]

what the FUCK is wrong with me?

if there's one person i despise, it's myself.

i must be the biggest damn fool.

well screw that. no more.

i'm really sad and a bit irked right now. *sigh* being constantly jerked around by emotions is definitely painful.

oh dear. i don't know what to do.

reasons why the rain is simply awesome:

-swimming while it's raining and letting the drops fall on your head.
-rain pouring outside, crazy winds, warm cozy blanket, and five pillows.
-sound of rain on your windowpanes.
-driving on an empty road, too close to the gutters, so an avalanche of water hits you and your car... that brief second of complete segregation from the rest of the outside world and you're alone underneath that wall of water.
-you, your car, the rain, deep, reflective moments. enough said.
-you, your car, the rain, a close friend, amazing heart to heart talks.
-walking in the rain with a huge golf sized umbrella... hearing the rain patter on your umbrella and seeing it drip down around you, yet not touching you.
-frolicking in the rain, splashing and jumping in puddles with beloved friends and not a single damn care in the world.
-being drenched to the point where it doesn't matter and you plunge yourself back into the pouring rain.
-rain on a sunny day.
-rain on a dark gloomy day with fierce winds.
-watching the rain fall with an upturned face... and closing your eyes and letting it wash over you.
-the ocean on a rainy day.
-waking up to the deafening sound of complete silence the day after a storm... such a sharp contrast from the raging night before.

wednesday 12/11: 5
thursday 12/12: 2.5
friday 12/13: 2

the rain is a definite pick-me-upper. i hope it rains hard all weekend.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the strength to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

there is this inexplicable sadness that i'm feeling right now. i'm so sad it hurts.
i'm so disappointed in myself... i wish i could just disappear and forget everything.

.:sigh:.

Send some rain. Would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not. Not today. Maybe You'll provide in other ways.
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain.

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need.

So grant us peace. Jesus, grant us peace.
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not. Not today. Peace might be another world away.
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace.

But Jesus, would You please...

"Gratitude" Nichole Nordeman

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed.
You watched my team win, and watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again.

And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero, come if You can
You said, I Am.

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10 pm?
You saw my mistakes and watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again

And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, be my best friend
And You said, I Am.

The winds of chance and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne.
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am. Yes, I Am.

"I Am" Nichole Nordeman

.:my deepest thanks to you:.

you know who are.

i'm at the library right now, with 120+ pages still left for my legal studies 155 final at 12:30 today. *sigh*

roach, jack ku, carroll, grace, and my sister are here also. everyone's tired and panicky.

i'm coughing really hard and my throat hurts *something explicitive* bad.

my secret santa hates me.

it's finally raining and i'm stuck listening to it and unable to enjoy it as i want to.

i am so freaking sad right now.

don't you hate that feeling in the pit of your tummy? =/
crap...

thanks roy chung for "what a wonderful world" by louis armstrong.
you seriously just made my stupid day LOTS better. =D

...

OMG. i take it back. this isn't the song i was talking about at all.
lsdkfjlsakdfslkdfjsldkfjsdf

damn it.

i was at work when i saw andy walk out of classroom a at unit 1. i was so suprised to see him there i squealed and this boy resident gave me this really odd look. anyways, i ended up talking to andy for the last hour of my shift. i felt bad talking to him cuz he's so screwed. i think he's even more screweder than me. which makes me sad. but i was also really happy that i got to talk to andy, singlehandedly the most popular boy at ficb, for the first time in forever. it was really cool cuz the usual swarms of grabby chicks scrambling for andy's undying love and attention were absent. ahahaha. just kidding... i think. =T

later, andy was swinging punches at me so i tried to throw my chest out like nancy did so that he might stop himself from socking my boob like he did to hers. but i was too slow. and so i got hit. i felt like such an idiot. =[

hang in there andy... you can do it! (_I_)
thanks for watching the esbn presentation all over again while listening to my wistful sighs and whimpers of sadness. *high-five*

monday 12/9: 1.5
tuesday 12/10: 2.5

k. i'm starting to feel that wretched burnt out feeling that creeps around every finals time and enjoys wreaking havoc in my life. damn. my phil final sucked a$$ today. it didn't go well at all and i have no one to blame but myself for not being disciplined enough to study last night. i also met with my gsi to discuss my 13 page paper for 45 minutes straight. what did i learn? hey hey now... my paper also sucks a$$ and i need to essentially redo the whole damned thing all over again. however, he was gracious enough to extend the due date to monday. it's ironic cuz initially he wanted me to turn it in before the deadline on friday. meaning that my gsi pities me and my pathetic paper and has to resort to giving me a couple additional days to let me redeem my sorry self.

what a sad day. i had the crap scared out of me on the way to work. i was a couple minutes late so i was kind of power walking down channing from college. i wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me cuz my mind was preoccupied with the meeting i just had with my gsi. all of a sudden, i felt this guy grab me and jab a gun into my side, and whisper in this low voice, "give me all your money *itch." i started freakin out and screeching and flailing my arms about. suddenly the guy grabs his tummy and falls to the ground. shocked, i watched him reveal his face and identify himself as michael miraflor, one of my old co-workers at unit 3. who was rolling around on the ground laughing hysterically at me. who was poking at me with his "gun," the handle end of his tennis racquet. who i started to pummel furiously with angry fists. =[

i don't know how the heck i'm going to commit to three different blogs.

i'm going to have to find some spice in my life. *rOwr*

i decided to keep a record of the amount of sleep i've had for the past couple weeks... why? i like to pity myself for not getting enough hours and then [i quote directly from roy chung's blog], "condemn myself for ever believing that i would have used those hours (that i wasted) productively." and at the end of this week, i plan to conk out and make up every single hour that i've missed.

sunday 12/1: 3
monday 12/2: 5
tuesday 12/3: 0
wednesday 12/4: 5.5
thursday 12/5: 0
friday 12/6: 10
saturday 12/7: 3
sunday 12/8: 2
monday 12/9: still pending...

the rain makes me feel so damn happy. i don't know how to explain it, but it does. i wish the rain would just go crazy right now. and then i could drive to the marina and watch the rain pound down endlessly all around me. *sigh* i want to do that so freakin badly. right now would be perfect.

my korean final didn't go as badly as i expected it would. i told josei that and she said the most encouraging thing to me. she said that only good things could happen for the time and sacrifice i put into esbn. that was so nice of her to say that. even though i really didn't put a lot of time into it. but her comment was really really nice. josei always knows how to make me feel better.

too bad i manipulated and exploited my teacher's gentle, warm heart for my selfish purposes. =[

now i have to begin my research paper that i've yet to develop a thesis for. freak me.

need more rain... lots more.

makes me sad how people like to talk so much. i know it's meant to be harmless and people's intentions are good, but sometimes it plain sucks.

i am reminded of that tonight. i hate being gossiped about, so there's no legitimate reason for me to partake in gossiping about someone else. *sigh* please keep me accountable. my big dumbo ears perk up whenever there's something juicy and fatty going around, when in reality... it really is none of my business. so next time you hear me flapping my gums with a fellow friend about the latest "omg~ did you hear...?" poke me really hard and tell me to shut the hell up.

esbn was tonight. it seemed like the brothers enjoyed themselves so that made me really happy. i hope they got to see how much we truly appreciate them. sometimes it can be so hard... everyone's always caught up in their own lives and it's so difficult to give thanks for even the smallest things. so i'm glad that we had at least one night to show them how important they really are to us. honestly though, i wish i could have done more. i guess this is just me personally. i feel like tonight didn't even begin to scratch the surface of how much i am truly thankful to God for blessing me with the guys in my class. i don't even half the guys personally but even based on what superficial and little relationship i may have with some of them, i can see God's love shine radiantly in each one of them and that has been an incredible blessing and encouragement to me. i don't know, i just felt so blessed and really honored to have this opportunity to show them how totally great they are. *sigh* i don't think the slide show went that well though... aside from the technical difficulties, i really wish i had dedicated more time to it. i wanted the slide show to encapsulate how each brother has contributed so much to our class in each of their unique and individual ways. blah. i think i'm being selfish... =/

there's so much to do in life. so many opportunities and chances and choices that are presented and made available. sucks how i'm so damn indecisive that by the time i make up my mind on something, the chance passes and disappears forever... leaving me wanting to kick myself in the (_I_). actually, mine's more like (__I__).

dang. so much to do, so little time. it's scary how even when you want to stop, life is a heartless tin-thing that can sweep so easily over little insignificant you, and has the audacity to continue on its merry little way.

with lack of sleep, you look uglier.

this was proven by my boss lady today, who's entire existence revolves around herself, her husband, and elvis presley. she rushed in and actually showed a slight hint of concern when she said hi to me. she said i looked terrible and then i scared her by responding in my man-voice. i think i really scared her. i saw her cringe a little.

she left me alone after that and i felt manly and repulsive. and i completely forgot that kristy, jane kim, and josei were going to come by to work on brother's appreciation stuff. but they came, a little horde of smiling faces and cheerful hellos. and they brought me lunch so jane kim, kristy, and i ate blondie's veggie slices while josei ate blondie's salad. then they each sat down in front of a row of computers and started working on their respective stuff.
i was happy. =]

party tonight at unit one. bring your jammies and good grub. we gonna party all night long.

k ow... my tummy hurts really badly... *sniff sniff*

i'm thinking it's cuz my feet are freezing right now. earlier tonight kristy told me that my feet look dead cuz they're so pale and colorless. so i've been observing them off and on throughout the night and it's kinda of true. she said that toes are supposed to be pink and have a tinge of color to them. mine don't have any rosy pinkness to them at all. =[ in fact, my left big toe has a light purpley-gray tint to it.

here's something else i observed about myself. whenever i don't get enough sleep, this red vertical mark appears in the middle of my nose. it's kinda faint and it sometimes it looks like a scar, and sometimes it looks like dirt on my nose. and no matter how much i poke it or scratch it or rub it, it doesn't go away.

okay...

i'm getting disgusted even as i'm writing this. blech.

wow~ it's gonna be a long day today...

pulling all-nighters by yourself just plain sucks. =[

dang it...

less than 24 hours and i already can't deal. *sigh*

i'm pathetic. =[

here's proof:
wUtdAbUnG: OMG WOMAN I JUST READ YOUR BLOG. ITS UPDOG NOT UP GUY

*sigh*

...

what do you call a fish with no eyes?
fshhhhh!

wow, it makes me kind of sad that everyone is going to be hating life for the next couple weeks cuz of all the insane crap that needs to be done. *sigh* but i can empathize cuz i look at my own schedule and can only look hopelessly at each day and at what needs to be accomplished. and there are those people that i envy and wish i could be like. people like kevin chiang, who actually enjoy the tortuous experience of taking finals. i think he's a sadomasochist. or maybe it's cuz he's a freakin genius who, with his other genius buddies, have laughing sessions because their gpas are so ridiculously high. =T

lots to do, lots on my mind. i pray that things will clear up soon.
until then, i'm just gonna take a deep breath and plunge right in.

hopefully, i won't drown...

it's raining.

*faint glimmer*

i don't understand my life. last night i was so happy. i had a great time with my family, which usually never happens cuz i'm not close to them at all. but yesterday was finally different and i was so thankful to God that he would allow me to actually have conversations with my relatives and to share my life with them.

and then... 30 minutes after i came home, any sense of joy that i was feeling before was fiercely torn from me and i end up feeling betrayed, pissed, sad, and dicked over.

and on top of that, i made an idiot of myself by calling someone to ask a question and not being able to control myself. i ended up freakin crying my eyes out to someone who doesn't even know what the hell happened. damn it. i shouldn't have let that stupid jerk get to me the way he did. life is so damn unfair... i don't get how my life can be so rocked so freakin quickly. *sigh*

God, if you're trying to teach me something, tell me what the freak it is cuz right now, i don't see how any of this can be for the better.

damn it. i've let my guard down again and all i see is how i've gotten screwed once again. it just shows you have to be prepared at all times. and i got carried away and let myself go again. damn it.

judy sewon and kristy came over last night and we had some good times. it felt good cuz i was so bummed out.
thanks guys. =D

i just came back from a class prayer meeting and denny's. i had so much fun tonight. there wasn't a lot of people... but those that were there were people that i normally don't have the chance to talk to. interacting and playing with them was great. it was really really great. like i can't express how great i feel right now. the people in my class are so awesome and beautiful... i can really see how God has worked through their lives to make them each so special and so unique. wow, i am ridiculously happy right now. =D

...

it smells like upguy.
what's upguy?

oh geez... i totally humiliated myself today in front of roy... and not even once, but THREE times! how stinkin embarassing. ahahahahaha. you know it's bad if it's to the point where all you can do is laugh helplessly while hot waves of embarassment wash over your flushed face. oh maaaaaan~ ahahahahahaha. so freakin humiliating. hahaha.

how great is God to have created the heavens as beautiful as they were tonight.

lots of blessings and good memories tonight. =]

i'm at work again... trying to memorize my 300+ vocabulary words for korean tomorrow. *sigh* but yeah.... right before work, i had a grande caramel macchiato so now i'm all jittery and anxious. icky icky.

i realize how dangerous caffeine is cuz i feel really nervous and uneasy and gassy. definitely not cool. and then i dunno why, but i'm really sad cuz looking at all these words makes me realize it's pretty hopeless that i'll do well on this test tomorrow. i hate it when you suddenly get hit by sadness and you don't know what to do about it.

however, on a much happier note, i was rummaging around in my hair while absentmindedly studying, and i found a pubie. =] that made me really excited cuz i haven't found a good pubie for quite some time now [i think it's cuz my hair's too thin]. discovering it, pulling it out, and now touching it is totally making me happy again. hurray.

i'm at work right now, meaning that i'm sitting here reading people's away messages and catching up on my daily dose of reading people's blogs.

i must say... reading blogs is quite a favorite pastime of mine. and i like how everyone is starting to put up those ned stats thingies and comments. i like reading people's blogs and then looking at the stats thingie, and then figuring out which one i was and then seeing how many times i've read and contributed to the number of hits one gets a day. i'm a very loyal and avid reader. =]

thanks to a couple of nice people who took the time to appease some of my doubts and apprehensions by answering some questions and providing further explanations.

and thank you God for providing me this opportunity to understand you better and to reaffirm my belief in your amazing love. =]

oh crap. just kidding. my sister just told me that she's 19. and then reminded me that i was 20. oops.

happy 19th birthday susan.

i just came back from small group feeling confused and a little worried.

in addition to the lesson, we had a lengthy discussion about predestination. janet, the sophie, raised all these interesting points and questions that i could relate to. i dunno. i have a lot of questions in my head and i don't know how to articulate what i'm feeling. i just pray that i'll have the chance to learn more about it and understand it better. i feel a little concerned at the moment however. stupid stuff really... but what if? *sigh*

btw~
happy 20th birthday sujaaaaan kum!

i love the rain.

i think cuz it was raining today a majority of people decided not to show up for my sections... which worked to my benefit cuz i FINALLY contributed to my english section for the first time today. wOw. i can't believe i finally did. =] *pat pat* on the back for me. and in my makeup philosophy section i was like the first and only student in the room for about 4 minutes with the gsi. so i had a nice vague chat with her on life in general cuz i obviously haven't read any ancient philosophy since september. and in korean, i was alone with the professor and a few other students for about 5 minutes so we were just babbling with each other about stupid stuff. needless to say, it felt really good having the opportunity to just chit chat with my different teachers today. made me happy. =T

a black guy came into the center and just hit on me. he was all flirtatious and having fun and stuff. sheesh. so i flashed my brilliant and radiantly-fake-leave-me-alone-please-smile and hoped he'd go away.

hmm... i wonder what it was that could have attracted him to me. here's a hunch: i think it might have been my full and voluptuous lips. accentuated by the fatty cold sore on my upper right lip, my mouth looks very pouty and mysterious right now. *snort snort wink wink*

i just got back from denny's with sewon after unsuccessfully trying to study for my korean test. =[ bah. but yeah~ around 1am a couple sat right behind us and they had this intense conversation about their relationship. and cuz i was back to back with the guy and cuz they spoke sort of loudly, i couldn't help but overhear most of their conversation. it left a bittersweet feeling in my heart.

the basic synopsis: they've been in a two year long affair with each other and she doesn't understand why he can't tell his real gf about the two of them. he apparently keeps saying that he has, but she reveals that in fact he hasn't since they have to still sneak around to see each other. she's accepted that he's the one man in her life but for some reason, he can't seem to commit to one woman. she has a kid and whenever the guy sleeps over he needs to leave before the kid gets up for school, but the kid pretty much knows already who the guy is. what the girl has a problem with is that her kid even knows about the two of them and his current gf doesn't. she suggested that maybe they should end the whole thing and he got pissed at her, asking her why she had to go and say such a stupid thing. she questioned his love for her and he repeatedly asserted that he did love her, with a flat and emotionless voice. you could tell she really loved him by the way she talked to him with that patient tone of voice that only someone in love can have. the guy however, was very abrupt and brusque with her, often exclaiming that she should watch her mouth and that she couldn't possibly understand why he wasn't able to break up with his current gf.

conclusion: it's scary to see how love can make people so blind and how it makes people willing to sacrifice themselves for the ones they love. *sigh*

the topic of relationships have been coming up frequently in conversations recently... been thinking more about them lately. more to say about this later, but not now.

been thinking a lot and getting overwhelmed already... which is bad cuz i just got back from retreat only a couple days ago. *shrug* oh wells.

anyways, here's something i realized. i need to stop worrying about stupid things like the past and need to start focusing on others around me. i need to stop fixating on certain things and instead, make the best use of what i do have and work with that instead. *sigh* i guess that means i need to stop longing for the past and for what things could have once been.

there's so much i'm feeling right now, and it's so difficult to articulate what i'm feeling. but God really answered a lot of my prayers in terms of finding a focus in my life and rekindling my passion for him. i think this was the first time i was genuinely focused on God and Him alone. Pastor Eugene's sermons were awesome... i feel blessed to have such a great servant of God teaching God's word. isn't it amazing how when you need it the most, God's love and glory is radiantly shown? =] retreat had a lot of good memories.

so retreat's in a few hours and i dunno what i 'm feeling. i hope that this retreat will be a blessing and humbling time for me... something for me to get reacquainted with God again.

just came back from not studying at denny's. i was fighting some major sleepiness and when i finally overcame it to start studying, stinkin john song started talking about the ring. =[ that in turn encouraged roy, alex, and kristy to participate in a conversation about all sorts of scary shenanigans and which basically ruined any remote possibility of doing my korean homework.

oh~ i saw two dogs having sex today. it was weird, but kinda fascinating... it was right outside cafe milano on bancroft. people passing by did the following: stopped and openly stared, glared disapprovingly at the dogs while walking by, looked away feeling embarassed, and hurriedly walked by, or started grinning and cheering the dogs on. it was really quite interesting. if i was a psychologist i'd analyze people's reactions to that sex scene and use it to explain personalities and how those with certain personalities would perform in bed.

it's kinda fun to see how long my body can function with a mere hour of sleep all day. being faint and lightheaded and having random dreams sporadically during lectures is always interesting.

i saw tammy today by accident. i didn't even know she was up and for some reason, i was the only person who didn't see her at church yesterday. nevertheless it was really great to see her again. peggy, josei, jane kim, kristy, tammy and i went to mario's for lunch and it was so much fun. i never eat out for lunch anymore cuz i'm usually sitting by my lonesome self during my horrid one hour breaks at bear's lair people watching or dreaming about going home. so this was a real treat for me. =D and afterwards, we took this touristy picture at sproul fountain. i haven't taken a happy picture for a really long time. =]

after class i went with josei and rob to his place until we went to ehouse. john song came home and he did the most fascinating thing. he went pee pee with his backpack still on. ahahaha. gosh, i don't know why, but that freakin amazed me... for some reason, i thought boys took off their backpacks before peeing like chicks do. but it totally makes sense that they keep their backpacks on so that their hands are free to do their business. ok, i just wanted to remember that. i think this lesson will come in handy someday.

i watched the ac transit boys play bball today. wow. they're so awesome. =] john song made like a hundred lay up shots. is that what they're called? *shrug* and i had pom-poms! *shake shake shake* =D

wow. this has got to be one of the worst papers i have ever written.

it's about 2:30 right now and i just made up my thesis. i think. it sucks incredibly. i hate papers. argh. i only have 6 hours to crank out something kind of intelligible on something i don't know anything about. darn.

note to self: buy more no-doz. i've run out already. =[

have you ever been so tired you feel like collapsing? so tired that even as you just sit there everything feels overbearing and heavy? so tired that you feel the sharp tingle of unshed tears while you furiously blink to prevent them from escaping? *sigh* i dunno what it is. actually, there's a lot... physically i'm exhausted, mentally i'm strained, spiritually i'm beat. i'm just so tired of everything that i feel it's easier for me to stop trying and just let life simply sweep over me. why fight an already lost battle against the strong current? it's just so much easier to go along with the flow...

i didn't want to stay for nursery today. aside from my physical and emotional exhausation, i honestly felt like i wasn't in the proper mindset and heart to serve today. i justified this by thinking to myself that heidi, the baby i take care of, doesn't even know me and cries at the mere sight of me. i know that it's just attachment issues and she's difficult to handle, but it's still discouraging. every sunday i've helplessly watched the gwon sa neem take care of her and i feel so useless trailing after the two. i guess that's why i wanted to leave today. i do little things like pick up crumbled napkins and retrieve toys, but i don't feel like that's a way of truly serving. i dunno. good thing andy rebuked me and reminded me that this was a committment. which i already knew and which was why i was torn between what i should do. i think i secretly knew that i would stay today though. it's selfish of me to try to justify myself. i guess no matter how much life sucks, if it's for God's glory you gotta deal with its suckiness.

it's just so incredibly hard...

The Lord answered and said, "Have u seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands. She already heals herself when she is sick & can work 18 hour days."

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "but you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made Her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish. The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

gina~
i hope you've been taking care of yourself. i miss you.

KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i just need alone time i guess
Kpxgrlx012: how come?
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i dunno
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: i wish life was simple
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: and i could just devote to God
KrAzYxSpiKeY 012: then i wouldn't even hafta worry bout anythin else

i was really humbled today.

i realize what a selfish and shameful person i am that i have taken so many of God's blessings for granted.
i definitely don't give enough thanks for all of God's generous provisions.
it's these little reminders that truly open your eyes.

...

roy, i don't think i can fully express how happy i am for you. *toothy grin*

Bo0gGies16: yo'ure great
Auto response from Kpxgrlx012: at work. leave something nice cuz i'm gonna be here for a while.
Bo0gGies16: ok did my job
Bo0gGies16: tootles! =D

after an 8 hour shift it's nice to have something to smile about =D hehe.

sometimes i wish i could just get a hug from a friend. no questions asked, only awaiting open arms. *sigh* life is just too complicated sometimes and it's amazing how something so simple as a hug can somehow chase away those complications. to be held and to hold someone you sincerely care about... that's one of the best feelings in the world cuz it enables you to feel safe and secure.

i don't think i've really felt safe since eli, paul, and noah were here. =/

this is my second all nighter in a row. what sucks besides the lack of sleep is that i wasn't even that productive. i don't understand how i can work so slowly. i think my brain must be as smooth as a baby's butt. haha. i can imagine certain people readily nodding their heads in agreement as they're reading this... hahaha.

here's one good thing that i know i'm going to love about today despite that i'm still not done with my paper and am not entirely prepared for my midterm. i just took a quickie nap from about 6:45-7:45 which was actually kinda pointless cuz i was distressed and restless. anyways, i got up, dragged my grudging heinie out of bed and plopped myself down at my desk. i *blinked blinked* a while and glanced outside my window and noticed that the sky was still gray! and with a faint breeze too! i promptly checked weather.com for today's weather and it confirmed what i was hoping would be true... today's weather is finally going to be cool! *blissful sigh* gloomy weather totally cheers me up so i just wanted to record this happy moment. hehe. i know today's going to suck like an industrial sized vacuum, but somehow knowing that the weather is a bit more favorable makes everything else also seem a tad bit better. =D

thank you God. [i just typed Fod. =[ mebbe i do have a typing disability...]

my sister has this mint julep green masque that she puts on her pimples at night before she sleeps. k. for one, this masque is seriously potent... as soon as you put some on, there's this immediate burning and crazy stinging that makes your whole face tingle. two, its GREEN. a nice shade of avocado pasty light green. ahahaha. my sister is sitting behind me at her desk with 70% of her face covered in this green gook. she has this placid expression on her face and is completely oblivious to the fact that her face is speckled with green schmear. ahahaha. so freakin hilarious.

the next couple days are going to be pretty darn crazy and yet i'm blogging and wasting time again. dang. i reread what i wrote last night and it kinda scares me how inconsistent i can be. *shrug* oh wells... i guess we all have our moments.

i'm going to be up all night writing my legal studies 184 paper. yup. i am determined. my body's chock full of french vanilla coffee from 7-11 and an assortment of fatty junk food my desk is burrowed under. no joke... here's a compilation of what i have: mini powdered doughnuts, flaming hot cheetos, reeses peanut butter pieces, heath bites, sour cream and onion pringles, and a bottle of water. makes your stomach turn over in disgust, huh? =D here's my theory of too much sugar and fat and unnecessary junk in one's diet: you just gotta find a mechanism to flush all that nasty gunk out of your arteries. hence my token bottle of water. it's like those drain-o commericals where you need to pour drain-o in to unclog all that hair and snot residue and phlegm and make the pipe nice and clean again. yup.

on a sidenote... i finally found a friend in my philosophy class. this is the class where i literally chill by myself and the only time someone talked to me is when we had to do feedback assignments on a paper and one guy offered to switch papers with me. i honestly think he pitied me. but my new friend is actually my co-worker... the sole white guy amongst the other 11 asians. and he's in my section too. haha. it's the 7th week of classes and i can't understand how we didn't see each other before. ah~ never mind. it must be my "i've never seen so many white people in my life and it's too difficult to distinguish among them cuz they all look alike so i'm just going to ignore them" close-minded parochial mindset. however, exceptions can always be made. ie. the mega hot hunky ones with rippling well-oiled bodies. those definitely warrant a much more intense perusal. *yum*

i just read my daily assortment of blogs and were thoroughly amused by them. ahahaha. boys are funny.

i'm so freaking tired right now... i don't know what's been wrong with me these days. it might be that the stinkin heat is draining my energy or that i'm in the life sucks (_I_) stage right now.

i can't stand fickle people. i know i'm being selfish and hypocritical right now, but i really don't give a crap about that. and i despise feeling that there is no one that truly understands what i've been going through. i generally agree with what judy said in her blog... i've learned to keep my mouth shut cuz i find that it's difficult to trust people. or, when i do take the chance to open up, i've had it freakin thrown back in my face as if i've been *itch slapped. *ouch* so yeah, i think it's definitely true that you need to watch whatt you're saying. and it's true that only through true love can you really know a person. i guess what kinda sucks is that i realize there are many that i don't truly love, but of whom i have more of that obligated, lukewarm, half-hearted love. knowing that makes me feel sick and yet that's what i do, and i most def don't try hard enough to fix it.

i don't like how it's so difficult to really express yourself in your blogs. i hate having to reread what i've written and then edit it to make it suitable for the reading public. not that i even know who does read this or not, but i've been surprised a couple of times. *sigh* this blog is for me, and i guess that's why i initially only told a few people that i thought i could completely trust. yet those that i considered trustworthy are the ones who actually did the opposite. wow, life is so damn ironic. and then this makes me reevaluate if who i considered to be trustworthy is even someone that can be trusted at all. i don't like doubting people and short-changing them, but then i realize that by always giving them the benefit of the doubt, i'm the one who gets screwed in the end. so i have to ask myself: which is better? that i do not know, and this is what i've been majorly struggling with. i'm sick of not being taken seriously, like some idiotic ditz who's unable to grasp simple concepts. i know that i have millions of petty problems, but i was always under the impression that despite the ridiculousness of the problem, a friend is one who listens no matter what and helps you deal with it. so it hurts that supposed friends will rebuke me instead for being burdened by these petty issues and will criticize me of how wrongful a person i am. i find that most interesting. so yeah. if i'm too closed-off for you, it's necessary to take all that i've said into account. i feel there's no need to open up, especially not to those who can't or won't try to understand who i am. there isn't any reason to hide anything from those you truly love and from those who truly love you. and so it makes me realize that i have yet to obtain that love. don't think that my happy go lucky self is all that's there. beneath this dumb-looking exterior, there is someone with actual feelings and thoughts, surprising as that may sound. either make a real effort or just screw it. i'm tired.

kevin chiang is one of the funniest people i know.

i'm going to leave it at that cuz it's not right for me to disclose his most embarassing moments.
however, to pique your curiosity, here are some of the juicy subjects mentioned: female genitalia, the female reproductive system and the curses of having a tiny bladder and no self-control.

hearing someone dry heave is probably one of the most wretched sounds possible. *shudder* =[

i had ramyun today for the first time in about nine months at julie's today. it was pretty darn good. i can't remember why i haven't indulged myself in these sinfully unhealthy msg-laden delicacies that only take 6 minutes to make for so long. *drool* anyways, i have resolved to start paying more attention to the lonesome boxes of ramyun that have been neglected and uncared for during these past months.