Sausalito. Lampert's Ice Cream. Sudden sadness and emptiness.

Mentos from Kyrgystan. Old faces, fond memories. Number two, animal style with fresh onions.

"How Great You Are" by Vineyard.

Alcatraz Island. Coit Tower. Mini-doughnuts. Palace of Fine Arts during the daytime. It's red. Crustacean with garlic noodles and roast crab. Ice cream. =]

San Martin Presbyterian Church. 8/9/1904. Erick's DeliCafe. "Mommy, I'm starved!" Gilroy Premium Outlets.

Last summer small group. Sweet roses. Fresh Choice. Stealing muffins. Albany Bowl. Dancing as punishment. Nation's.

Pouring water on cereal. ��κ� in San Jose. �� and �ƺ�'s new protein diet. Aida. Going to the bathroom three times with ��. Going up the stairs seven times unloading the car. An ice chest crammed with meat. Jer-Jer claiming my bed as his.

Orange yellow roses. Bette's Oceanview Diner. Sad goodbyes. =[

Sunday worship. Heidi calling me ���. Chunky peanut butter.

VBS 2003: The King Is Coming!

���� marching up and down the hall. Royee teaching John Song and Danny Yoon to do three different types of pushups. Watching the kids shake their little booties during praise. Kids in their pj's. Kids saying the darnedest things. Royee's facial expression as he dropped an entire trashbag of water balloons. Kids asking the most thought provoking questions. Pass It On.

Being insanely excited over the dinner the parents prepared for us. Watching Mrs. Han and Mrs. Lee be cute friends. Watching Doori's mom start dancing. Falling for Dennis and Kwansoo's stupid lying. Laughing obnoxiously like ���ܸ�s and exchanging horror stories about braces.

The Thank you's and the Your welcome's. The simple beauty found in wide-eyed innocence.

Bad day suddenly turned much better.

Five hours later, and still the raucous burps.

The very first drop of rain. =]

Being one's Babushka. ����. The rumble of thunder and the crack of lightning.

A simply divine revelation: God does answer prayers.

Discovering things that I didn't care to know about. A reminder to keep my distance.

An amazing sunrise that words simply cannot describe.

Foreboding mountains shrouded by the silent grey-blue misty darkness.

"We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities." -Pogo.

Spontaneous lunch dates. An unexpected phone call.

bori: ill think of you while my mind is in the gutter

bori: i love you too too!
Kpxgrlx012: i will make a man out of you yet.

Inside-out.

Another new resolution: Work on the ESBN slideshow every Sunday night until completed.

A wonderful 27 hours of blessed small group fun.

"Small Group, we need to pay Rob back for the pizza, the food, and the tickets." -Albert Kae.

"A girl's best friend?" "Food."

She's not Mona, but she'll do. =]

I wish I was JOE BOXER.

"...We should never grow so old, or change so much, that we cannot find room in our hearts for the wisdom of children's books."-Judith Viorst, What the Dormouse Said.

Two Great American Burgers + 1 Whopper Jr. + 1 Double Cheeseburger + $0 = 4 very happy girls. Nation's banana cream pie. Never Been Kissed. Michael Vartan. Deliver Us From Eva. LL Cool J. Ongoing continuous discussion of food: Carnitas, Thai, sushi, ������, �κ�, Palace Buffet, desserts.

I've made some new vows for myself this summer.

Alex Hyun is a cheater. He is also stupid enough to leave something cooking on low heat and not realize it until four hours later.

"Music is about the only thing left that people don't fight over."

"The piano is the foundation, and that's it."

-Ray Charles, What I've Learned.

Today's a nice morning.

My Life.

"Say Hello, Dad."
"Hello."

We have a God-shaped hole in our hearts.

Life's little things do not steal away the joy, but instead help to affirm it.

Psalm 37:23-24.

���� and ����. Yellow watermelon. Twix Brownies. Sister Act.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Artery clogging 1/2 lb Hot Pockets and Pringles. Generalization of girls' reactions.

Sleeping with freshly washed sheets. =]

FicB picnic. Kristy and my inventive way of cutting watermelon while Karen and Kwansoo stood gawking. Very ugly and painful sunburn after holding the lifesaver tray for a mere 15 minutes. Sewon's ���ܸ� way of splashing water on herself.

Being locked in and then abandoned. Pier 39 for fireworks. Kevin's plaid shirt from the 8th grade. Royee's burnt, prominent proboscis. French fries and ketchup. Mini-doughnuts. Frigid, numbing wind. The picturesque sky. Basile's photos. Stupid bets. Jane Kim's sweatshirt pocket and arm. Girls huddling around Stephen. Oohing and aahing.

Kristy's race against the hordes of people. Criminal sister. Smelling Royee's armpit. Realization of how truly girlie Stephen is.

Dennys. Strawberry milkshake. Ice water. Scary movies. Unfortunate bad luck. Feeling so old with the little ones.

Aloe vera is my new best friend.

I was re-reading some of my old blog entries and I came across this quote that I took off Royee's aim profile.

"When the world pushes you to your knees... you're in the perfect position to pray."

I've changed. This quote now denotes a different and new meaning.

Kwansoo showed me his pictures from our Las Vegas trip and they made me happy. He then gave me some of his doubles and that made me happier.

My �� is amazing. I do not deserve anything that she does for me.

I will cling to whatever it was that made me care for you in the first place.

It's not even the first day and I feel like I've failed already. The worthless disappointment that I am. =[

Low clouds and misty gray fog. ���ö� ���. Worshipping with 1st, 1.5th, and 2nd generation Koreans. Simple praise songs sung in Korean revealing a much deeper meaning. Praising Him at the top of my lungs. It not being about what we will become, but about who we are right now before Him. It not being about how high on a hill we'll be at, but simply being the light right now. Being at peace for the first time in two weeks. Coming back and desperately wishing that this will not go away. Struggling to know who my real friends are. Sheepish feelings for writing lengthy and vulnerable emails to indifferent recipients.

Do people intentionally try to be jerks?

Cassiopeia.

Sometimes you just have to take risks. Otherwise you'll end up risking more.

-Walking at night. Being punished. Selfish trip to Treasure Island. Hung up phone call. Invisible cut on ankle.
-Palace of Fine Arts. Very illegal turns. Columns resembling those of the Vatican. Amazing reflection of the columns in the clear, dark water. Five swans. Hearts. Chicken carcasses. Little clouds.
-Cold bench. Moving star. Wandering skunk. 1st level, 2nd level, 3rd level. Are your 3rd level worriments only intended for God to know? Stupid humans with their stupid human concerns. Frozen toes and chattering teeth.
-LBL. One deer. Mood lightening with the sky. Rainbow haze. Begrudging assertion of particular friendship. Lion's head. A bear. An elephant's butt. God-given friends and stupid humans.

-Crowded streets. Dancing kids. Happy families. Having to decide where to sit.
-Shoe falling off. The Hulk. Hollywood Homicide. Golden Grahams. Laughing by myself.
-"How Do You Talk To An Angel?" by The Heights on repeat.

-Turtle Cake from Andronico's. Blue candles. Sewon's own green box from Tiffany & Co. "Marvelous Light" by Derek Webb.
-Analyze That. Performing 4 illegal driving maneuvers in approximately 3 minutes. Hitting the curb and parking in a space that was half-red. Ever-present favorite pen.
-Foot warmer and defroster combination. Big big muscles. Acrid nose hair-burning Chinese food. Being mad but not really. Snowboarding socks. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Hot white guys. Tap water in bowls and tea. Mount Rushmore and playing pool. Infomercials. SNL and Conan.
-Old school episode of Batman and Robin. Cutout purple nose on Batman's black mask. Slow cars in high-speed chases. Hydraulic Trash Crusher. Penguin and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Me: only if u marry [name of chick]
Person: that's not fair
Person: you get the better end of the deal
Person: hahhaha
Me: ooh
Me: im telling
Person: don't tell her i said that
Person: i'll die

Today's 10 things to be happy about:

1. jigsaw puzzle dust
2. a growing bonsai
3. lounging by a pool all weekend
4. barbecued food
5. plunging waterfalls
6. golf tournaments
7. the mutter of distant thunder
8. the ice cream truck
9. a spotless car*
10. a baby napping in the shade

*I loathe Solar Car Wash. Today was the worst car washing experience I have had in years.

...

-LBL trip. Trying to figure out the map of campus. The Big Dipper. Random little lights.
-Winning the third game of Monopoly I've ever played with approximately $12,000. Kwansoo throwing money at me like I was a prostitute. Feeling lonely like Scrooge must have felt. "These magic moments..."
-How Now Brown Cow.
-Bruised middle knuckle. Stinging papercut on pinky finger.
-Costco rendezvous. Hidden Valley Light Ranch Chicken Wrap with Guacamole.
-O'ding on excessive amounts of caffeine.
-Rib-eye steak. New York strip steak. Sirloin steak. Filet Mignon. Prime Rib.
-OG Korean music and memories. Dirty windows. Cold feet.
-Sudden sad mood swings and need for contemplation and solace.

sUrf c l o u d 9: i'm having this stpuid mere exposure effect with you guys
sUrf c l o u d 9: i used to be fine alone
sUrf c l o u d 9: and now i'm attached and must see you guys everyda
sUrf c l o u d 9: that's sick
jAhNdEeShEkKi: AHAHAHAHA
sUrf c l o u d 9: how hopelessly dependent i've become
jAhNdEeShEkKi: isnt it great
jAhNdEeShEkKi: =D

...

Today's 10 things to be happy about:

1. a ride in a convertible
2. velvety white roses
3. the architecture of Williamsburg, Virginia
4. finding old love letters
5. the sunrise
6. weeping willows
7. a patch of sun from a skylight
8. a porch with rocking chairs
9. a friend with a sailboat
10. cool rain on hot pavement

SUNDAY
-Interesting message on Nehemiah and his prayers. Story of how Eskimos kill wolves by having them lick blades covered in in frozen blood and how we are just like that.
-Seeing my ���ҸӴ�. =]
-Lunch at ��� with Jeniffer Chun and her dad. �̸� and ���q. Las Vegas and 3,000 nickels. Reminder to keep praying for her dad's health.
-The Coffee Bean with Hannah Whang. Future plans. Mexico cruise and Japan. LSATs and MCATs. Catching up on old times.
-������ at �ĵ��� in Ktown with the entire family. �ø� and ����. �Ʊ���. �ƺ� requesting Sprite. ����ing the ��ġ with ��� fat. �� continuing to gorge on the ������ after everyone was finished.
-Watching my �ƺ� look dang cute strutting in the shirt and tie we bought him. Praying one last time together. Planning next trip home and parents' trip up to eat Alameda Sushi House.
-�� hating on Royee for not calling and being responsible, and then for making us leave later than planned.
-Interesting drive back up to Berkeley. Odd confrontation and temporary reassurance.

Congratulations Jennifer Yi. I'm so proud of your many accomplishments and successes throughout the years. It's hard to believe that even though we've been through so many changes throughout the years, our friendship is something that has remained wonderfully consistent and stable. I'm so glad I was able to be there with you this weekend. I heart you. =]

...

Highlights from the past couple days:
-Kwansoo being irritable and cranky after being stuck in traffic on the 5 South forever. Kwansoo complaining about So Cali and the gray haze we have looming near the horizon. Kwansoo complaining about how our cities are so close to each other. Kwansoo complaining about the poor drivers on the 5 freeway. Discussing our Vegas trip and the fun details of it, primarily how the Third Wheel Party was always secluded, about the food, and about Nancy's fall.
-Playing with Kwansoo and Carlos. Carlos commenting on how much Kwansoo tends to whine. Witnessing the only time I've seen Kwansoo hit someone. Carne asada fries and Diet Pepsi at Alberto's. Talking about drinking and gambling. Carlos spending most of the time trying to coax Kwansoo to party with him. Kwansoo reiterating over and over again that Carlos is one of his "project children." Visiting Carlos' dorm. Carlos holding my purse and pillow. Carlos and Kwansoo practicing counting cards. Carlos startling me by randomly touching my hair.
-Jennifer's Yukon with the new car smell. Dinner at Red Robin with Jennifer Yi and her roomies. Freckled lemonade and Honey mustard chicken burger. Marveling at seeing Jeffrey all grown up and thugged out. Kwansoo and pool hall. Emptiness of Jennifer's apartment. Jennifer introducing me to Tammie Kim, Kim Crawford, and Andy Liau, cuz she thought I was her roomie. Sleepover in living room. Late-night feast on Golden Spoon chocolate, peanut butter, and Heath Bar frozen yogurt. Andy being dominated by chickies and girl talk. Who would you want to see again from Whitney? Who would you want to punch from Whitney? Kwansoo at a pc bang. Jennifer and her first green [teal] box from Tiffany & Co. =]
-Roses for Jennifer. Watching Tammie take random pictures during graduation [Pikachu tent, little boy and girl holding hands, little boy in overalls, resting dog, Andy's shoes, Jennifer's bouquet, etc]. Trying to locate where Jennifer was and having her stand up and wave to us. Hot weather. Kim saying how her forehead is always the first to burn, me saying how it's my cheeks that always burn first. My spotting Jennifer and her parents a minute before she walked across the stage. Jennifer and her mom waving emphatically at us. Cheering and yelling. Madness and mayhem taking pictures and trying to find each other. Seeing familiar Berkeley faces: Glow, Haejin, Peggy, Alex, Tammy, Paul. Realizing that the cute kids I was observing earlier were the nieces and nephews of Paul's just graduated friend, Fabio.
-Reception at Islands, Jennifer's mom's new favorite restaurant. Catching up with Karl Pongyingpis. Listening to Karl's recommendation and ordering the Yaki. Tammie having Andy ordering her a Lava Flow. Endless chips and salsa and onion rings. Standing in the parking lot taking endless pictures. Going back and helping Jennifer pack the rest of her stuff. Eating a 쭈쭈바 and a �������� for the first time in years. Fierce hugs and reluctant goodbyes.
-Finally seeing my parents for the first time since I returned to So Cali on Monday night. Watching them walk out of the garage together and running up to them screaming in glee.

Today's 10 things to be happy about:

1. Egyptian obelisks
2. perfect weather for an outdoor cafe lunch
3. walking on the beach
4. candles on a mirrored tray
5. a cotton candy stand
6. driving with the sunroof open
7. classic fried chicken and potato salad
8. sudden thunderstorms
9. verandas with elegant pillars
10. a lonely gravel road

I just got back from Las Vegas and before I conk out, I wanted to write a little something that I learned about each person on the trip. I will write about the full details of the trip later.

Andy: Andrew Chon is exactly like Marlin in Finding Nemo. He will be the quintessential paranoid father figure who will freak out if even one hair is out of place on his future children's heads. He always lectured us on using the crosswalks and was always extra careful when stepping on and off the escalators. Despite this however, I can honestly say that Andrew is an intelligent guy except when he tries to prove me wrong about his acclaimed smartness. Andy has never tried 순대볶음 although he claims that he loves 순대 and is shockingly successful at Indy 500 and water shooting games. He was the first boy's leg that I've ever touched, and now I know not to touch them anymore. He let me watch while he applied his Old Spice deodorant. He is utterly useless on road trips and he does not enjoy sweet foods such as barbeque sauce or 비빔냉면.

Josei: Josephine Kim likes to sleep the earliest every night so that she can maximize her fun time during the day. She is also so fashionable that Nancy and I took alternate turns matching her outfits with one of ours every day. One of the most important qualities that Josei looks for in the opposite sex is their drive for ambition. Josei was also perceptive enough to know that I was going through Diet Coke withdrawal symptoms the first night and was kind enough to buy me one when I was at my all-time low. She also had really cute flowers embossed onto her toes, and didn't know that she was supposed to tip the pedicure lady. Josei thoroughly enjoyed the butternut squash ravioli at the Bellagio buffet.

Kwansoo: Kwansoo Jun likes orange juice and has never heard of 팥빙수 in his life. It was also his first time in Las Vegas so he and I were really excited when we saw the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. Kwansoo doesn't like to eat fancy foods and instead prefers steak over everything else. He also packs excessively for a guy and was the only other person that wanted to ride the New York New York roller coaster with me. He wanted to hire a hooker to seduce Royee although it was he who received the lap dance at the Egg and I, and was the only guy who knew how to eat somewhat healthily. He has also seen the vast majority of movies, and laughed the longest after Nancy had her incident. He constituted the first 1/3 of the Third Wheel Party.

Nancy: Nancy Kim is crazy and thus has my complete respect. Not only does she have this limitless amount of energy that everyone feeds off of, but she is cool enough to try and steal a dollar from the fountain at the Bellagio. She is also really classy, piquing my interest not only in Andy Warhol, but in fine delicacies such as fruit salad in mint julep chutney. She is not ashamed to vocalize her appreciation for the finer looking specimens of the male species and her new hairstyle looks really good on her. However, I do not understand how she does not like ��κ� that much. She also never wore the baseball cap she brought to protect her face from the sun after her 점 surgery.

Robert: Even though Robert Kim was quite sick throughout the trip, he was still the most sensible and rational one out of everyone. He was the one that reminded us to get rest or to not get too carried away when we wanted to start our Vegas trip early. Rob was also the exemplary tour-guide, never ceasing to amaze me that a North Cali-er knew more about Vegas than So Cali-residing Nancy, Andy, Royee, and Josei. He also waits for opportunities to use terms such as "ghetto fabulous" in ordinary conversation, and Andy and him were kind enough to teach me how to play Worms before they regretted doing so. He was the one who also quarantined himself off whenever possible so that we wouldn't catch his germs. Robert taught me to never take anything from the men who slap ads against their palms, and that after 9/11, people came to pay their respects at the New York New York hotel.

Royee: Royee Chung is surprisingly good at BlackJack and surprisingly horrible at performing magic tricks with cards. He also does not like mushrooms and believes that "Pho is what they serve in Hell." He likes to stroll around Vegas, alarming people with his ghastly pallid upper arms and tooting praise songs on his kazoo. He takes ridiculously short 5 minute showers and believes that one pair of underwear is sufficient for a 3 day-long trip. Royee likes to drink orange juice and lemonade. He is also remarkably adept at water shooting games and hence won Brownie, the stupidest rhinoceros I have ever seen. =] He is by far the unhealthiest person of the group, but enjoys popsicles almost as much as I do. He constituted the last 1/3 of the Third Wheel Party.

Thanks to Rob and Kwansoo for driving everywhere. Thanks to Nancy for planning the trip and all our fun activities. Thank you Andy, Billy, Butch/Brian, Josei, Kwansoo, Nancy, Robert, and Royee for making my first Vegas trip so memorable and fun. =]

Monday's 10 things to be happy about:

1. meeting a fascinating stranger
2. cherries and strawberries in season
3. cooking with friends
4. the nonsmoking section
5. singing along to The Sound of Music
6. the power of a storm
7. an unexpected touch
8. Sugar Daddy suckers
9. listening to the sounds of the forest
10. pink lemonade

I am very excited for this upcoming week. =]

Sunday's 10 things to be happy about:

1. eating well
2. the names of English country houses
3. a large log-burning fireplace
4. cinnamon buns fresh from the bakery
5. honey-colored stones
6. tea with honey
7. the smell of salt air
8. knowing what ubiquitous means
9. surrounding yourself with nature
10. discussing an interesting topic

I'm in this funk again. I can't explain it really, but I feel every single emotion at the exact same time. Hence it is difficult to categorize how I feel, since every moment the emotion seems to be changing.

Life is so damn hard. The harshness and reality of it sometimes hits me to the point of tears and the sense of utter hopelessness.

I was cleaning/organizing [*gasp*] and found my The Best of 14,000 Things to be Happy About. Page-A-Day Calendar. Granted it is kind of late to start, but here are today's 10 things to be happy about:

1. an older couple holding hands
2. reading by candlelight
3. homemade flour tortillas
4. stars slowly fading
5. a candle flickering in the wind
6. walking in silence through a forest
7. starting a new journal
8. chunks of caramelized pineapple
9. market-fresh ingredients
10. bare feet on a warm floor

Kpxgrlx012 (8:07:25 PM): my grades suck this semster =[
Kpxgrlx012 (8:07:27 PM): im so sad karen
Kpxgrlx012 (8:07:29 PM): i want to eat now
s u r f cloud9 (8:07:57 PM): hahaha
s u r f cloud9 (8:08:03 PM): let's go get nemo toys from mcd's
Kpxgrlx012 (8:08:08 PM): OKAY!
s u r f cloud9 (8:08:09 PM): i saw them today and got greedy
Kpxgrlx012 (8:08:15 PM): happy meals right
Kpxgrlx012 (8:08:18 PM): let us let us
Kpxgrlx012 (8:08:25 PM): i want two
s u r f cloud9 (8:08:27 PM): yah, let's buy two each
s u r f cloud9 (8:08:29 PM): hahahahaha
Kpxgrlx012 (8:08:29 PM): okAY@
s u r f cloud9 (8:08:30 PM): i just said that
Kpxgrlx012 (8:08:32 PM): =D

A while ago, I drove up to LBL to look at the stars. Unfortunately, I was unable to because the fog was so thick. Driving up and back down was scary, but I found it comforting having the fog completely surround me and isolate me from everything else. I think I needed the time alone. I think I still need some time alone.

My blogs have been inconsistent because I've been going through a lot and I haven't been at peace. Part of what I was going through is addressed below, and the other part is not worth mentioning.

"If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we remove God's riches from our lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges- always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied... learn to lavish the grace of God on others, generously giving of yourself." -My Utmost for His Highest

Kristy, Karen, Linda, and I took Sharona out for her 21st birthday. =] We took her to Bubba Gump's at Pier 39. Linda ordered her the Lava Flow, this really pretty mixed drink that had rum and pina colada flavoring in it. Sharon drank like 1/5 of it and turned bright red and complained about how hot she was. And thanks to Royee, we got free dessert for guessing Jenny's stage name in Forrest Gump [Bobbie Dylan].

Unfortunately, I fell on the steps while we were walking around. Sharon warned me that this little girl was about to hit me cuz she was flailing her arms about in this psychotic manner. I was so fixated on making sure the girl didn't hit my crotch that I didn't pay attention to where I was walking and *boom* I didn't see the steps and fell on my hands and knees. =[ My right knee hurts a lot... it was to the point where I couldn't even swing my right leg out of the car seat when we went to get dessert.

Speaking of dessert, afterwards we went to Mitchell's Ice Cream, also in the city somewhere. Linda said it had good reviews, and when we got there, we had to wait a good 15 minutes before ordering our ice creams. It was dang cold so we decided to eat in my car. Our topic of conversation was about how ridiculous I looked when I fell, and the cussing phases that we did or did not undergo when we were younger.

I had fun tonight. Good food, good friends, and good moments always leave me feeling happy. Linda went buck wild with her camera the entire night. It was so cute. =] I hope her pictures turn out well. hehe.

Today has been a pretty good day so far...

-It was nice and breezy when I woke up today. The weather was around 65 degrees, and not hot at all. =]
-I heard some good news from Andy Chon and I got happy for him. Happiness is contagious.
-I went bowling with Kwansoo, Karen, Danny Yoon, and Albert Kae. I think I bowled one of my highest scores ever.
-I am going to go to Las Vegas for the first time in my life in a couple of weeks. I'm really excited.
-I am going to go HOME after the Vegas trip for UC graduations and Father's Day. =D
-Karen, Albert, and I are going to visit Seattle, Washington and are going to pick apples.

I had lunch with Julie Kim at CPK today. I haven't had a lunch date with her for quite some time so it was good just catching up with what had happened since our last date a little over a month ago.

I talked to her about becoming a small group leader and we discussed my apprehensions and anxieties about it. She brought up a really good point that she left me with: that no matter, it is ultimately all about the heart and how much I'm willing to serve God. It doesn't matter what doctrine I believe in, or what types of questions I ask... all that matters is my own personal relationship with God and how much my heart is open enough to trust him enough to let Him do His will with me.

With that, I still do not know what I should do. I know that what Julie said is what ultimately matters, but I can't help but feel that what she said is also really idealistic. If it only were that simple... However, in the real world, no matter what, there are certain expectations and standards that I need to abide by and live according to.

Senior reception was tonight. The place was really nice, and the food was really yummy. I respect this year's seniors a lot. I feel that they are all genuinely nice people and they have never ceased to show concern when an underclassmen is in need.

Dancing was awkward in the beginning, but it was fun watching everyone get their groove thang on. I love how the freshie boys dance. All they care about is having fun, so they completely let go and unabashedly dance however they wish.

It took a while, but the junior guys finally danced also. Well, three of them did. Andy, Kwansoo, and Robert.

Afterwards, while we were leaving, I said a casual goodbye to Julie Oh and started to walk towards my car, until she hugged me and said that this was going to be the last time I see her for a while. I couldn't process what she said cuz I was preoccupied by figuring out rides, so I stared at her for like five seconds until I realized that tonight was the last night that I would ever see some of the seniors again. I started crying even though I didn't want to and even though heartless tin woman Julie told me to stop. =/ It's ridiculous, but it's still a really sad thought once you honestly think hard about it. I believe that every person I meet during my life has somehow influenced me and shaped me to be who I am today and who I will be in the future. There's a reason why I've met the individuals in my life, and it makes me sad to think that once that person has served their purpose, I might never see him or her again. I know that in the end we'll all be in the same place together, but the fickleness of my being a human cannot help but feel a bit sad at this very moment.

My sister and I had dinner with Danny's family at Chevy's. Danny's mom told me that my mother was taking care of their fishies for them while they were up in Berkeley. My dad sent me an email saying to call her frequently cuz he was going to be in Mexico on a missions trip. I talked to my mom, and then Danny's mom did cuz she wanted to check up on the fishies. I really really wish I could be at home with my family right now.

Woke up really late for the Haas graduation and made it just in time to thrust bouquets at Julie Oh and Chris Son.

Went to Gilroy's Outlets with Sewon and Karen where I proceeded to spend money that I did not have. My bargain purchases included $5 man pajama pants inspired by Eugene Shin and a $5 hat from JCrew. Unfortunately, the pj pants are incredibly itchy and my sister said that the hat is ugly, so I am no longer pleased with my bargain purchases.

I started reading The Remains of the Day. It was a little slow in the beginning, but I'm finding that it's getting more and more interesting.

I accidentally slept over at Karen's so Lila and I were held hostage in the bedroom while they had an officers' meeting in the living room.

Karen, Jenny, and I taught Slum and Andy how to play Hwat-Do. They're really fun people to play with.

Robert, Nancy, Alice, Karen, Slum, Kwansoo, Andy, Jennifer Lee, Jenny, Rebecca, and I went to Ranch 99 to eat pho. It was dang yummy. I don't understand people who do not take time to savor their pho. It was Jennifer Lee's first time eating pho and I taught her the proper pho-eating etiquette. I was happy when she said she liked it. =]

I went to the PEIS and MCB graduations. I got to see Danny and Brian so I was happy.

Kwan, Kristy, Andy, Fred, and I ranked 8 guys in our class on their coquettish tendencies. Then we tried to do it for the most feminine but that got to be too tiring, so we just ended up making the five or six categories that we would use to rank the guys. That was a lot of fun. There was a lot of bias, but it was greatly satisfying when we reached a consensus amongst the five of us.

We went to In-N-Out with a group of random people. Jason, Andy, Kevin, Kristy, Fred, Kwansoo, Jung, Carolina, Karen, Robert, and Josei. Random people are fun. I brought up a gross topic so our side of the table began to talk about guys' and girls' abilities to peepee. There's a lot to be learned about the male and female anatomy. I wanted to know more but I think Jason was getting disgusted. At one point during the night I wanted to cry cuz I was the focus of everyone's attention for about 5 minutes. Everyone was literally staring at me and my monstrous ears, which were fortunately hidden underneath my hair. That part of the night wasn't that fun.

Kwansoo, Kristy, Carolina, Fred, Karen and I went to Karen's afterwards while Andy Chon, the big pooper, went home to do laundry. Fred taught Carolina, Kristy and Karen to play Hwat-Do as well. Kwan's friend, Carlos, came up from SD, and I was embarassed that he remembered me as the chick who yelled, "Kwan, show me the money!!" during our trip to Salinas.

Fred, Karen, and I watched 집으로 afterwards. I haven't cried so much during a movie for a really long time. The 할머니 in there made me realize how wonderful my own 할머니들 are. I really wish I could go home today.

I had fun at the DC today. My hunger + my delirium + my elation in finishing finals + my being surrounded by cool people = ecstatically happy me.

However, I soon succumbed to food coma until Kwansoo inconsiderately awoke me from my slumber by incessantly calling my house and cell. [I only got about an hour or so of sleep the night before.] Kwansoo was consistently mean to me for the rest of the night as well. Granted I don't remember specifically what happened, but I do remember how mean he was.

Went to Americana and played Speed Scrabble and Clue with Tommy, Kwansoo, Jenny, and Basile. Tommy's funny. Both him and I were delirious from lack of sleep. Kwansoo tried to teach us Hwat-do/Go Stop, but failed miserably. We had to wait until Fred came to really learn how to play the game.

Kwansoo, Basile, Jenny, Amanda, and Fred came to my place and played more Hwat-do and ate Chapaghetti. Out of those people, only Basile and Amanda had ever come to my place before. haha. Fred couldn't understand how rare an occasion it is to have people visit me at my place. Fred's cast also smells really bad.

I had a great girlie talk with Amanda. I must reiterate the fact that I like Amanda immensely. "Towel." =]

I wanted to correct my sleeping schedule today, but I think that's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Kpxgrlx012: howd it go?
kwanshu: you know the sound a bomb makes when its flying through the air?
kwanshu: and right before it hits the ground, there's this kind of high pitched squeal and the sudden anxious attack of the fact that you're about to die a horrible and painful death?
kwanshu: yeah
Kpxgrlx012: wow
Kpxgrlx012: i didnt do so great either
Kpxgrlx012: =[
kwanshu: really?
kwanshu: as in, you think you got a c not so great, or you absolutely bombed it?
Kpxgrlx012: c not so great
Kpxgrlx012: nevertheless
Kpxgrlx012: we have to play
kwanshu: yes

And the playing begins... =]

My eating habits are messed up right now. I have never consumed so much candy and Diet Coke before in my life. My sleeping schedule is also jacked up right now. My days and nights have completely reversed and I've slept about 10 hours since Sunday. I got about half an hour of sleep today and I need to be up all night tonight for my last final tomorrow. My cough has not yet gone away. Although during the day it isn't too bad, from about 3am to 10am, no matter how many cough drops or how much cough syrup I consume, it mysteriously comes back and I start hacking away again. I look like a raccoon for I have perpetual bags underneath my eyes. I have an ugly open cold sore on the outside of my lip and a huge canker sore right behind it on the inside my mouth so that whenever I drink, talk, eat, smile, I hurt a lot.

Yet, however, I honestly feel like things aren't too bad. I admit that a lot of my time has not been spent studying for my final as it should be, but there are other things that have made me realize that I'm glad I wasn't wasting my time sleeping or studying. Here's what I've learned/discovered:
-I admire Eugene Shin for his candor and frankness. I admire the fact that he is confident enough to speak his mind with no qualms about what he says. I also admire his height and muscular body that instills this great comforting feeling of security and safeness when psychotics who claim that their gay lovers have locked them out of the apartment ask Christians for prayers and help for their gay lovers who aren't Christians and think that the psychotics are gay, when in reality, the psychotics are bisexual.
-I admire Andrew Chon for his determination in never compromising himself for mediocrity. I admire his ability to grasp meaning from difficult implications, and his ability to not settle for the typical, easier answers. And I admire his creative and imaginative style of writing papers... his method of employing a "surprise element" near the conclusion to wow and amaze the reader into affirming that the paper is the work of a genius.
-I admire my ability to finally understand how to use webdisk so that I can post this very appropriate picture. [Thanks to the abovementioned two people for being patient with me until I finally did understand.] I got this picture off of Glow's Xanga, and I've been wanting to post it ever since finals began.

This is perfect, don't you think? =]

The library is the bane of my existence [followed shortly by Mejeld Lee], but I'm still drawn to it day after day and night after night. It comforts me knowing that when I completely break down and want to cry miserably or end my meaningless life, there are either those that are willing to do it with me, or there are those that possess the sagacity to say the exact words or smile in such a way that encourages me and uplifts me and prevents me from going completely kookoo. It's a win-win situation.

I wish I had popsicles and watermelon today.

I have just created my thesis for my 11-13 page English 100 Junior Seminar Women's Films paper. Now I have approximately 8 hours to do the whole stupid thing.

Anyways, I like Amanda Hwang. I like it when she does triple hip thrusts cuz she's happy or excited and I like it when she conks out during small group while we're all pouring out our hearts. hahaha. =] This is how nice and sweet she is:

Amanda15CW: YOU CAN DO IT
Amanda15CW: GO JAHNDEEEEE
Kpxgrlx012: ahaha
Kpxgrlx012: thank you
Amanda15CW: I'll beee supporting you
Amanda15CW: nooow....go turn your power brain on
Amanda15CW: and be like..."Thesis, I own you!!"
Kpxgrlx012: hahahahhahaaha
Amanda15CW: okies....you can do it! I have faith in you

I am very ambivalent about Roy Chung. He hangs up on people even though he's the one who asks them to wake him up, and he is killing his body by clogging up his arteries with lard and blubber and by refusing to get a good night's rest. This is how unsupportive and ridiculous he is:

b o y 52: wat the freak? another paper?
Kpxgrlx012: yeah
b o y 52: due when?
Kpxgrlx012: today by 4
b o y 52: ..
b o y 52: monday?
Kpxgrlx012: =[
b o y 52: wat the freak
b o y 52: how come you always do papers at the last minute
b o y 52: wat the freak
b o y 52: go work

b o y 52: i got five hours of sleep in the last 60 hours
Kpxgrlx012: ...
Kpxgrlx012: ROYEE
Kpxgrlx012: go sleep
b o y 52: i will soon
Kpxgrlx012: what if u crash later this week when its closer to ur finals?
Kpxgrlx012: sleep 8 hours today
b o y 52: hm
b o y 52: i havent thought that far ahead
b o y 52: im going to catch sars and die
Kpxgrlx012: yes
Kpxgrlx012: so lsiten to me you freak
Kpxgrlx012: stop being so selfish
b o y 52: how is that being selfish?
b o y 52: look
b o y 52: i continue how im living now
b o y 52: get married, have children
b o y 52: then my daughters are going to stay home and take care of daddy
b o y 52: see? its the circle of love
Kpxgrlx012: if u continue the way ur living now
Kpxgrlx012: there wont be any daughters taking care of you
b o y 52: yes there will be
b o y 52: theyre going to love me more than they love their mom
b o y 52: hahahahahaah

These are the encouraging words from a friend[?] of mine. I won't disclose his name for it will only shock the multitudes of chickies that worship the ground he walks on. Fools, they are, FOOLS.

"I only like you cuz I have to like you."

"God will punish you and you will fail all of your finals."

...

This time next week it'll all be over.

I hate the library. It is horrible. But the one good thing about it is that I get to talk to people I don't normally get to and we can stress, be ugly, eat, and encourage one another if need be.

I got raped on my PS 150 final today. I ran in late so that my thoughts were all scattered when I started my essay. And there was frigid air blowing directly into my face so that I was really cold and coughing a lot. Also, the girl gsi decided to be nice and bake cookies, and brought them for everyone in the class to eat after they turned in their finals. However, since I was late, I had to sit in the very front, and the very front of the room were where the cookies were situated. I kept eyeing the cookies for three hours and my mind kept wandering as I thought about what type of cookies they were and how much I wish I was done with my final so that I could get a cookie.

...

bCxaNgeL143 (4:55:27 AM): u're such a freakin girl
Kpxgrlx012 (4:55:41 AM): what??
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:03 AM): u are
Kpxgrlx012 (4:56:13 AM): WHAT
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:18 AM): despite that man voice of urs...
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:27 AM): and ur frequent obnoxious burps
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:42 AM): and ur ignorance of girly facial hygiene products
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:56 AM): and ur refusal to wear a dress
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:02 AM): ...
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:07 AM): u're such a girl
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:08 AM): yeah
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:12 AM): im sorry
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:34 AM): it's a compliment!!
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:49 AM): HOW IS THAT A COMPLIMENT
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:53 AM): IT IS!!!
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:54 AM): OMG
bCxaNgeL143 (4:58:14 AM): it means u're really sensitive inside
bCxaNgeL143 (4:58:25 AM): thass why u don't like things that hurt..things that taste nasty
bCxaNgeL143 (4:58:36 AM): and why u cry so easily in movies

I still don't understand how anything Sewon mentioned above compliments me in any way.

This is my bad day...

-My cough hasn't gotten better despite the fact that I've been o'ding on Kristy's cough syrup and sleeping with the heater on. My throat, head and abs hurt from the incessant coughing. I also cannot return to the library as a result of my chagrining experience last night.
-Today was hot. I despise it when it's hot and I don't have any popsicles.
-I gave myself a horrible migraine that lasted for approximately 6 hours. Causes included the heat, my coughing, and the smell of my hair. I've changed my shampoo and the new smell of it makes me want to rip my hair out. The heat makes the smell especially worse and the stench from my own head engulfed me in the most overwhelmingly oppressive way possible.
-Unpleasant experience at Bing Ling's.
-Korean 100B. Words cannot describe the way I feel right now. *sigh*

I got kicked out of Moffit library for coughing so much. I was so humiliated. =[

I had my once-a-year talk with Andy just now. We talked outside my apartment for a few hours with my coughing spurts and his red, itchy eye from rubbing it after playing with Dooli. This is my conclusion: I can't understand why it is that Andy and I never get the chance to talk until it is too late. It is mind-boggling. *sigh* And I can't help but wonder if things would be different had we the chance to have talked to each other when we needed to.

Reading everyone's blogs have made me feel weird. I sense the urgency in making the most of this last year left at Berkeley, but at the same time, I don't want to force the memories and experiences to occur simply for the sake of it being my senior year. I just want to go with the flow, and hope that God will continue to show me his blessings and love through the people that surround me.

Last night at Robert and John Song's house is an example. I had a lot of fun, despite the fact that we didn't get to watch "집으로" and cry as planned. Instead, we watched Kings of Comedy and Kung Pow, and played countless rounds of speed scrabble. There was a really diverse group of people so that made me happy cuz I got to know other people better and also see their oddities and quirks fully exposed late at night. The night passed by sort of in a blur cuz it was so fun and was so frequently punctuated by coughing fits. But this is some of the stuff I remember:

-John Song's niceness. Examples include: getting Fred glasses of milk, getting Fred a LOT of vanilla bean ice cream, making me green tea, giving me a band-aid AND Neosporin, and letting us eat all his munchies.
-Hearing James Song, Kwansoo, and John Im be the only ones in the entire room laughing uproariously at Kung Pow.
-Watching Fred spend many many minutes making only 5+ letter words with his Scrabble pieces and my being thoroughly impressed when he finished.
-Liz and her dirty Scrabble words. =]
-Albert telling me that I sound like a manly baby. Kwansoo telling me that my voice is lower than his.
-Jack in the Box late at night. [Thanks Rob, Josei, and Nancy for getting the food for all of us.]
-Being kidnapped to Kwan's house to watch The Ring 2.
-Listening to The Ring 2 after seeing the first scene and concluding that 1. it was going to be too scary and 2. it would take too much effort to read the blurry Korean subtitles.
-Waking up with Fred to go home in the morning. Seeing everyone else still conked out and sprawled out in a disgusting manner either on the floor or on the bed.

How easy it is to disappear...

Today was a really good day except I didn't get anything academically productive done. I have yet to find a topic for my English 100 paper due Thursday that is worth virtually 99% of my grade. And I realized the sad fact that I have hesitations around certain people who other people think I'm "good friends" with. These hesitations usually indicate that I have trouble confiding in these supposed "friends."

On a much happier note, the definite highlight of the day was our last small group meeting at the Super DC, treated by the super cool little freshies of our group. =D

Afterwards, Amanda, Liz, Jenny, Esther, Janet, Carolina, and myself headed over to Esther's place for a time of sharing and talking. It was such a great time cuz everyone just opened up and shared all their different issues and dilemmas. There were many different emotions felt tonight... a lot of sad and frustrated tears in the beginning, but a lot of happy and obnoxious laughter at the end. Wow... if there is anything that I can be thankful for this year, it is my small group this year. I seriously find it such a blessing to have found such a great group of people that I could really open up with and share all my problems. I get so incredibly happy whenever I get to spend time with them... and so I don't know how I'll be able to cope next year without all of them.

The funny moments of tonight:
-Pet names shared between significant others.
-Janet Kwak's ugly new hairstyle.
-Amanda and her future mate.
-Jenny and her "8" previous boyfriends.
-Why guys and girls cannot be "best friends."

I get really angry at myself sometimes. *sigh*

Then I get sad.

I watched X2: X-Men United with a bunch of juniors. I haven't seen the first one though and I have very limited knowledge of these mutants and their powers. Kwansoo got mad at me cuz he was really excited about the characters and wanted to discuss them, but I was completely useless. But I liked the movie even though I didn't understand why and how the white man who looked like Gandalf was in jail in the first place and why the Rogue chick was so close to Wolverine. [Hugh Jackman is freakin hot btw. WOW. That other guy that turns into metal also had a very delicious body~ it was chock full of well-defined abs, pecs, and other yummy muscles.] There were some sad moments in the movie too where I could feel my eyes starting to sting and feel my chest tighten, but those moments would quickly disappear when hearing Nancy and Alex's snickers and snorts at the cheesiness of the movie. Which, I admit, was quite cheesy at times, but I like cheesy and how the movieworld jerks my emotions around. Haha. But the part where the sunglasses guy was talking to the bald man was pretty ugly. His face was all squished and contorted in what was supposed to be heart-breaking pain and angst, but it was just straight-up ugly cuz it looked like he had one of those vein-popping-out-of-your-forehead-cuz-you-have-to-push-so-damn-hard ddong experiences.

Then Esther, Nancy, Andy, Kwansoo, Roy, Billy, Slum, and I went to Denny's. We spent over two hours there. I'm getting annoyed by my sister's stupid keyboard so here's my quick recap:
-Nancy, Esther and I getting scared that no one was at Denny's and that everything was so deathly quiet.
-Nancy and I thinking that the waiter man at Denny's knew that Roy was a magician.
-Good convo with Nancy while we were waiting for the boys to come and reading the menu over and over again discussing the level of fat we wanted to taste in our foods and what dessert looked good.
-Roy's stupid superpowers that failed miserably: having photographic memory [normal people already have], not needing oxygen to live so that he could live under the sea by himself and be a lonely old hag who plays with imaginary mer-people, and being 2-dimensional so that people could carry him in their pockets and people could use him to shade themselves or to fan fires.
-Billy and Slum shooting down every single one of Nancy's ideas cuz they were too evil and selfish.
-Roy's face turning all wrinkled and scrunchy and red from laughing so hard and watching him dab his tears like a girl.
-Nancy as *Condiment Girl* and having the wonderful superpower of squirting out any desired condiment through her fingers. [This was one of my favorites. Can you imagine?? The possibilities would be endless...]
-Slum's comment of how we all already possess our own superpowers. He gave three examples and then stopped. [Slum: to be tall, Billy: ability to not know how to cut his own hair, Roy: pimp power]

It was a time full of lots of fun, laughs, and good company. It made me very happy. =]

"Some of God's greatest gifts are the unanswered prayers."

Senior banquet was tonight. I can't believe how quickly it came and passed. I also can't believe that this time next year, I will be attending my last senior banquet. Everyone looked amazing tonight. Everything was so great.. the skits, Royee's quasi-magic show, the performances, the videos, the slide show. Andy Chon's talent is extraordinary. The slideshow he created for the seniors was incredible. I hope the seniors were able to see just a glimpse of how important they are to all of us. There's something about pictures that can encapsulate one's true feelings and intentions without having to blatantly state it. I think Andy's slideshow did just that.

The Good:
-I finally finished my PS 150 20-page paper that's due today at 2pm. Too bad my partner has the other half of it so I don't know if what I wrote makes sense.
-I had my longest conversation ever with Paul Hwang in the wee hours of the morning. I honestly believe there are some girls who think protruding bellies are dead sexy. ... Or at least his.
-I thought about my small group and I got happy.
-I was perusing through a bunch of pictures and then re-watched the ESBN slideshow.
-I had a lovely conversation with my momma. I miss her. =/

The Bad:
-I haven't been home since 10:30 yesterday morning.
-I haven't eaten solid food since 3pm yesterday. But I have drunken 1 can of Diet Coke and 2 cans of Pepsi Twist.
-I hate the Unit 1 Computing Center.

The Straight-Up Disgusting:
-I haven't brushed my teeth since 10:30 yesterday morning. And since I imbibed three cans of carbonated beverage, there is this wonderful sugary film coating my teeth.

I went to Costco today with Sewon. She went to buy us a berry sundae while I finished my slice of pizza. Feeling lonely, I was chomping away while absentmindedly staring off into space when I suddenly noticed this little old wrinkled lady sitting at the next table, facing me. I like old people, so I stared while she ate a hot dog, vertically held very carefully in her two hands. Then I began to get worried for her, especially cuz she looked a bit sad and melancholic sitting there, all by herself with her hot dog. But I realized she had a little old wrinkled spouse as he came toddling back to her after refilling his drink cup. She didn't even notice him though, until he was standing right in front of her, pouring some of his drink into her empty cup. I watched her stare at the cup for a split second in pure confusion, and then watched her eyes light in pure joy as she smiled up at her husband who was smiling back down at her. I saw her mouth the words, "Thank you" and watched as she, still smiling, re-settled her gaze back onto the cup until he was done.

I don't like it when you're in a really good and happy mood, and one person can kill that mood by making you feel completely stupid. It's such a horrible feeling... to feel that you are insignificant and worthless and are someone that don't matter at all. No one should have to feel like that. No one deserves to feel like that.

I'm in a really happy mood for some reason. =]

Royee's big butt (_I_) is sleeping. Karen's murmuring her paper outloud to herself. I am working on my 8-10 page paper that is due at 4pm today.

bCxaNgeL143: judas iscariot: hurry and finish ur paper!
bCxaNgeL143: red: good luck and don't fall asleep!
bCxaNgeL143: kink: hurry up! u only have a page left
bCxaNgeL143: aiite this saintly sewon go to bed and sleep cozily
bCxaNgeL143: see ya guys soon
bCxaNgeL143: nite!

Something most unfortunate happened to me.

I was walking along Telegraph on my way home after miserably failing my Korean test [*sigh*]. There were lots of people on the street so I was forced to walk in a single line behind a tall dark-skinned man. It is quite breezy today, and as luck would have it, while I was trudging along home, the breeze was forcibly blowing against me. It naturally decided to pick up the vile b.o. stench emitting from this tall fellow and unmercifully cram it up my defenseless nostrils. This happened for an entire block. I wanted to move and escape but the flow of the opposing barrage of people forced me to stare at this guy's back in disbelief as I gulped oxygen through my open mouth.

I am now quite lightheaded and dizzy. I deduce that this must be the combined effect of the foul odor and the lack of oxygen to my brain.

"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines."

Thanks Jeniffer.

"Non est ad astra mollis e terris via."
[There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.]

It is raining.

This is my family. Today is my 아빠's 57th birthday. Isn't he so cute? =D hehehe.

Today was Easter Sunday. It was great seeing so many people be confirmed and baptized. I wonder if I will ever stop being chicken enough to publicly declare my faith in Christ as the people did today.

I had a lot of fun today during nursery. Dennis Chon wore this really nice tie and he claimed he used it to seduce the chickies. He proved this by waving the tie in front of Heidi and enticing her over to him. Heidi likes Andy and Dennis a lot. She goes to them more than she comes to me now. =/ Andy's kid, Joseph, wasn't here today so he took care of Hyo-bin today. Hyo-bin stopped crying when Andy held him. It was amazing cuz he never stops crying. Sewon was really sad cuz she's been in charge of Hyo-bin for months now, but he's been crying so much she stopped taking him. Andy was really proud cuz Hyo-bin wasn't crying at all anymore. But then Hyo-bin farted and it reeked pretty badly so Andy started freaking out and claiming that he must have ddonged. Julie left us for a while to take Communion, so we had to change Hyo-bin. It turns out that Hyo-bin didn't ddong at all. Andy and Dennis were at the opposite side of the room when they thought he ddonged. And then to make it worse, Andy wanted to leave the used diaper on Hyo-bin even after we started to pull it off of him. haha. It's interesting to speculate what kinds of fathers boys will turn out to be. It's also interesting to see how Andy Chon can sweat so much.

I went to Jong Ga Jib with Danny, Sewon, and Kristy for dinner. I don't know why, but I had a particularly fun time with them tonight. It was funny watching Danny try to learn his Korean vocabulary while we were eating. Then we went to McDonald's for ice cream. I was telling Sewon and Kristy about me and Danny in the past. Reliving old memories is always fun.

Then we watched Brown Sugar, took a break for the boys' softball game, and then resumed watching Brown Sugar. Taye Digges is seriously cute.

One bad thing that happened was that the English class that I wanted to take got cancelled. Now I have to reschedule everything, which sucks cuz there's so much uncertainty.

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out. Patience is genius."
-Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

I had a really good time today at Stanford for the Good Friday service.

I ate a lot today, considering how I didn't get to eat for over 24 hours. I had Quizno's before the service with our class and Stanford people, and then In-N-Out with a bunch of our people and others again. Andy introduced me to the Animal Style with both real and caramelized onions. It is my new favorite.

I got to talk to Phil and Judy from Stanford a little bit more. I realized today how it's now my third year attending KCPC, and I've just now met these people. But I suppose I should be thankful that I even had the chance to meet them at all. I wish there were more chances for Cal people and Stanford people to interact and fellowship with each other.

Kwansoo told us that the tiger we bought him was not his favorite, and that the dinosaur one was. I was sad because of that. We wanted to get him his favorite one to show him our appreciation.

Andy infuriated me, although unintentionally, I think. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't take me seriously at all and thinks that I'm just a stupid ditz who doesn't know anything. I think he saw that I was bothered though, so he tried to make it up to me by being nice to me for the rest of the evening. What struck me as ironic though was that I think he thought I was joking the entire time, and thus, everything he did was out of fun, but inside, I was honestly hurt and confused. I suppose I am a good liar.

I learned something from the message today so that was good. I realized that as long as I have Christ as my only anchor to hold onto, I don't have to worry about stupid and petty things bringing me down.

"It didn't take me too long to find
The chains you just had freed me from
I got so used to having them on
I didn't know how to live in freedom

This can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me
And this can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse me now
Sovereign and holy, come make me holy now

What is it in the nature of man
That draws us away from our purpose
To despise the things of God
And love the things that hurt us

And this can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for us
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for us

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

This can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

Straight from your holy place,
Lord, make us holy as you are holy
Send it down Lord, just a little bit of heaven here on earth
Send down your glory
Lord we need you, Lord we need you, Lord we need you
Lord I love you, Lord I love you, Lord I love you
Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus"
-"Glory Come Down" Sara Groves

"Jesus, Jesus, bright as the morning star
Jesus, how can I tell you
How beautiful you are to me
Jesus, song that the angels sing
Jesus, dearer to my heart
Than anything
Sweeter than springtime
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me

Jesus, bright as the morning star
Jesus, how can I tell you
How beautiful you are to me
My Jesus, song that the angels sing
Jesus, dearer to my heart
Than anything
Sweeter than spring time
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me

Oh, You are so beautiful
Oh Beautiful
So beautiful
So beautiful
Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful, Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Beautiful, wonderful, everything
Beautiful, Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Wonderful, morning star, Lord you are, Beautiful
Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Ohh, so beautiful

Sweeter than springtime
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me"
-"Jesus, You're Beautiful" Sara Groves

I'm having a very difficult time figuring out my schedule for this next year. It's been worrying me a lot actually.

I watched this link from Frontline and learned a lot about the situation in North Korea. It scares me to see people so ardently and fervently believing that Kim Jong Il is their god. And I wonder how my lfe would be like if I lived in North Korea right now, if I would be one of the mindless followers of Kim Jong Il, or if I would be one of those underground resistance workers... if I would compromise my beliefs for the sake of my life, or risk my life to hold onto my beliefs... *sigh*

Our girls' accountability group finished reading the book of Matthew today. There was one part that struck me while we were reading, and that I took to heart:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:33-34

I did absolutely nothing related to school since I turned in my paper earlier today. It felt great.

I enjoyed the rain a lot today, but was a bit sad when people said that it was too depressing for them. =[

I watched The Contender with the Fat Guys.

I realize how corrupt politics is, and the way I realized this was from simply watching this movie. I can't even imagine what it's like in the real world. But I really enjoyed this movie... it somehow inspired me and made me feel that I need to hang onto whatever fundamental values that I believe in. It is essentially those values that will be attacked and questioned in the world, and if I compromise those, then I feel like I will cease to be whoever I was created to be and I will disappear forever.

...

JUDwhaEE (1:44:55 AM): hhaha
JUDwhaEE (1:45:00 AM): u know how u said the presdient was weird
JUDwhaEE (1:45:03 AM): look at this...
JUDwhaEE (1:45:13 AM): Perhaps the most idiotic leap in character is Jeff Bridges' President Evans, and how he instantly goes from a scatter-brained moron to the most eloquent speaker of history, rallying the entire contry with a few well-chosen words.

I'm still working on my paper and realizing that I don't have what it takes to succeed at Berkeley. That's depressing.

The majority of the junior boys are still signed online and amazingly, none of them have away messages or are idle.

Instead of writing my paper, I am sitting here speculating on the reason why they are online so late. My hypothesis? The junior boys are all in a chatroom together complimenting each other and stroking each other's egos on how sexy and hot each other are. And then when they are tired of that, they are complaining about the lack of good-looking girls in the ministry. But the complaining would last but a brief second as the homosexual lauding and extolling would resume again. How endearing the boys are. *pat pat*

It scares me how easy it is to lie to people. I see myself lying to people that I honestly like and respect like Andy and even Roy and it fascinates me on this freakishly scary level to find how easy it is to smile and joke around when inside I don't feel a bit of what I'm portraying. Then I wonder why I need to resort to this level of shutting people out and blatantly lying to their faces about what's going on. Can my heart really be so hard and selfish? Am I justified in behaving the way that I am? So many questions that are left unanswered all the time without any closure or stability...

So I'm left struggling... not knowing what to do and how to go about fixing it. I don't want the easy way out, not this time. But I've already resorted to that again. It's the same cycle over and over again. Lying is such a cop-out way to deal with things, and yet it's so easy to lie. It's scary how the way we live these days presents more accessibility to lying. Things like email or AIM or even blogs have provided me with more opportunities to lie than I care to imagine. What's ironic is that these are mechanisms that one can use to be honest and truthful, and though I've had wonderful conversations or emails that have genuinely been from the heart, those cases have been more the exception and not the standard. *sigh*

I think about the sheer beauty in the falling rain or in a rainbow, and somehow, everything feels ever-so-slightly better.

It is always the smallest and simplest things that leave the lasting impressions on one's heart.

While I was walking back from work just now, it began to sprinkle a little bit right when I hit Channing and Bowditch. What made me completely stop walking was that the sun was still shining brightly. As I crossed, I looked to my right and was able to see every single drop of rain reflecting off the sunlight. When I got to Haste, I looked to my right again cuz there are a lot of trees and and plants around People's Park. You could see the light shining through the cracks of the leaves, thus illuminating certain parts of the light sprinkling rain against this incredible blue sky full of fat white puffy clouds. It was so incredibly beautiful.

The rain has got to be one of the most awesome and most beautiful masterpieces of God. I love it when it rains in all circumstances, but the way I experienced it today was simply amazing. It's such a rare opportunity to see the rain fall while the sun is still shining brightly. I feel like I caught a glimpse of what heaven will be like just now.

I'm happy.

I had lunch with Julie Kim today at Cafe Durant.

I had my second lunch a few hours later with Grace Lee at Daruma's.

1.5 hours is definitely not long enough to have a meaningful talk with someone. However, even the shortest amount of time spent with these two people is an immense joy and honor. They are two amazing people. I can literally see God's love and grace exuding from the way they smile, speak, or think. Wow.

...

Today I decided that I'm taking a hiatus.
I'm damned sick of everything.