Kristy, Karen, Linda, and I took Sharona out for her 21st birthday. =] We took her to Bubba Gump's at Pier 39. Linda ordered her the Lava Flow, this really pretty mixed drink that had rum and pina colada flavoring in it. Sharon drank like 1/5 of it and turned bright red and complained about how hot she was. And thanks to Royee, we got free dessert for guessing Jenny's stage name in Forrest Gump [Bobbie Dylan].

Unfortunately, I fell on the steps while we were walking around. Sharon warned me that this little girl was about to hit me cuz she was flailing her arms about in this psychotic manner. I was so fixated on making sure the girl didn't hit my crotch that I didn't pay attention to where I was walking and *boom* I didn't see the steps and fell on my hands and knees. =[ My right knee hurts a lot... it was to the point where I couldn't even swing my right leg out of the car seat when we went to get dessert.

Speaking of dessert, afterwards we went to Mitchell's Ice Cream, also in the city somewhere. Linda said it had good reviews, and when we got there, we had to wait a good 15 minutes before ordering our ice creams. It was dang cold so we decided to eat in my car. Our topic of conversation was about how ridiculous I looked when I fell, and the cussing phases that we did or did not undergo when we were younger.

I had fun tonight. Good food, good friends, and good moments always leave me feeling happy. Linda went buck wild with her camera the entire night. It was so cute. =] I hope her pictures turn out well. hehe.

Today has been a pretty good day so far...

-It was nice and breezy when I woke up today. The weather was around 65 degrees, and not hot at all. =]
-I heard some good news from Andy Chon and I got happy for him. Happiness is contagious.
-I went bowling with Kwansoo, Karen, Danny Yoon, and Albert Kae. I think I bowled one of my highest scores ever.
-I am going to go to Las Vegas for the first time in my life in a couple of weeks. I'm really excited.
-I am going to go HOME after the Vegas trip for UC graduations and Father's Day. =D
-Karen, Albert, and I are going to visit Seattle, Washington and are going to pick apples.

I had lunch with Julie Kim at CPK today. I haven't had a lunch date with her for quite some time so it was good just catching up with what had happened since our last date a little over a month ago.

I talked to her about becoming a small group leader and we discussed my apprehensions and anxieties about it. She brought up a really good point that she left me with: that no matter, it is ultimately all about the heart and how much I'm willing to serve God. It doesn't matter what doctrine I believe in, or what types of questions I ask... all that matters is my own personal relationship with God and how much my heart is open enough to trust him enough to let Him do His will with me.

With that, I still do not know what I should do. I know that what Julie said is what ultimately matters, but I can't help but feel that what she said is also really idealistic. If it only were that simple... However, in the real world, no matter what, there are certain expectations and standards that I need to abide by and live according to.

Senior reception was tonight. The place was really nice, and the food was really yummy. I respect this year's seniors a lot. I feel that they are all genuinely nice people and they have never ceased to show concern when an underclassmen is in need.

Dancing was awkward in the beginning, but it was fun watching everyone get their groove thang on. I love how the freshie boys dance. All they care about is having fun, so they completely let go and unabashedly dance however they wish.

It took a while, but the junior guys finally danced also. Well, three of them did. Andy, Kwansoo, and Robert.

Afterwards, while we were leaving, I said a casual goodbye to Julie Oh and started to walk towards my car, until she hugged me and said that this was going to be the last time I see her for a while. I couldn't process what she said cuz I was preoccupied by figuring out rides, so I stared at her for like five seconds until I realized that tonight was the last night that I would ever see some of the seniors again. I started crying even though I didn't want to and even though heartless tin woman Julie told me to stop. =/ It's ridiculous, but it's still a really sad thought once you honestly think hard about it. I believe that every person I meet during my life has somehow influenced me and shaped me to be who I am today and who I will be in the future. There's a reason why I've met the individuals in my life, and it makes me sad to think that once that person has served their purpose, I might never see him or her again. I know that in the end we'll all be in the same place together, but the fickleness of my being a human cannot help but feel a bit sad at this very moment.

My sister and I had dinner with Danny's family at Chevy's. Danny's mom told me that my mother was taking care of their fishies for them while they were up in Berkeley. My dad sent me an email saying to call her frequently cuz he was going to be in Mexico on a missions trip. I talked to my mom, and then Danny's mom did cuz she wanted to check up on the fishies. I really really wish I could be at home with my family right now.

Woke up really late for the Haas graduation and made it just in time to thrust bouquets at Julie Oh and Chris Son.

Went to Gilroy's Outlets with Sewon and Karen where I proceeded to spend money that I did not have. My bargain purchases included $5 man pajama pants inspired by Eugene Shin and a $5 hat from JCrew. Unfortunately, the pj pants are incredibly itchy and my sister said that the hat is ugly, so I am no longer pleased with my bargain purchases.

I started reading The Remains of the Day. It was a little slow in the beginning, but I'm finding that it's getting more and more interesting.

I accidentally slept over at Karen's so Lila and I were held hostage in the bedroom while they had an officers' meeting in the living room.

Karen, Jenny, and I taught Slum and Andy how to play Hwat-Do. They're really fun people to play with.

Robert, Nancy, Alice, Karen, Slum, Kwansoo, Andy, Jennifer Lee, Jenny, Rebecca, and I went to Ranch 99 to eat pho. It was dang yummy. I don't understand people who do not take time to savor their pho. It was Jennifer Lee's first time eating pho and I taught her the proper pho-eating etiquette. I was happy when she said she liked it. =]

I went to the PEIS and MCB graduations. I got to see Danny and Brian so I was happy.

Kwan, Kristy, Andy, Fred, and I ranked 8 guys in our class on their coquettish tendencies. Then we tried to do it for the most feminine but that got to be too tiring, so we just ended up making the five or six categories that we would use to rank the guys. That was a lot of fun. There was a lot of bias, but it was greatly satisfying when we reached a consensus amongst the five of us.

We went to In-N-Out with a group of random people. Jason, Andy, Kevin, Kristy, Fred, Kwansoo, Jung, Carolina, Karen, Robert, and Josei. Random people are fun. I brought up a gross topic so our side of the table began to talk about guys' and girls' abilities to peepee. There's a lot to be learned about the male and female anatomy. I wanted to know more but I think Jason was getting disgusted. At one point during the night I wanted to cry cuz I was the focus of everyone's attention for about 5 minutes. Everyone was literally staring at me and my monstrous ears, which were fortunately hidden underneath my hair. That part of the night wasn't that fun.

Kwansoo, Kristy, Carolina, Fred, Karen and I went to Karen's afterwards while Andy Chon, the big pooper, went home to do laundry. Fred taught Carolina, Kristy and Karen to play Hwat-Do as well. Kwan's friend, Carlos, came up from SD, and I was embarassed that he remembered me as the chick who yelled, "Kwan, show me the money!!" during our trip to Salinas.

Fred, Karen, and I watched 집으로 afterwards. I haven't cried so much during a movie for a really long time. The 할머니 in there made me realize how wonderful my own 할머니들 are. I really wish I could go home today.

I had fun at the DC today. My hunger + my delirium + my elation in finishing finals + my being surrounded by cool people = ecstatically happy me.

However, I soon succumbed to food coma until Kwansoo inconsiderately awoke me from my slumber by incessantly calling my house and cell. [I only got about an hour or so of sleep the night before.] Kwansoo was consistently mean to me for the rest of the night as well. Granted I don't remember specifically what happened, but I do remember how mean he was.

Went to Americana and played Speed Scrabble and Clue with Tommy, Kwansoo, Jenny, and Basile. Tommy's funny. Both him and I were delirious from lack of sleep. Kwansoo tried to teach us Hwat-do/Go Stop, but failed miserably. We had to wait until Fred came to really learn how to play the game.

Kwansoo, Basile, Jenny, Amanda, and Fred came to my place and played more Hwat-do and ate Chapaghetti. Out of those people, only Basile and Amanda had ever come to my place before. haha. Fred couldn't understand how rare an occasion it is to have people visit me at my place. Fred's cast also smells really bad.

I had a great girlie talk with Amanda. I must reiterate the fact that I like Amanda immensely. "Towel." =]

I wanted to correct my sleeping schedule today, but I think that's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Kpxgrlx012: howd it go?
kwanshu: you know the sound a bomb makes when its flying through the air?
kwanshu: and right before it hits the ground, there's this kind of high pitched squeal and the sudden anxious attack of the fact that you're about to die a horrible and painful death?
kwanshu: yeah
Kpxgrlx012: wow
Kpxgrlx012: i didnt do so great either
Kpxgrlx012: =[
kwanshu: really?
kwanshu: as in, you think you got a c not so great, or you absolutely bombed it?
Kpxgrlx012: c not so great
Kpxgrlx012: nevertheless
Kpxgrlx012: we have to play
kwanshu: yes

And the playing begins... =]

My eating habits are messed up right now. I have never consumed so much candy and Diet Coke before in my life. My sleeping schedule is also jacked up right now. My days and nights have completely reversed and I've slept about 10 hours since Sunday. I got about half an hour of sleep today and I need to be up all night tonight for my last final tomorrow. My cough has not yet gone away. Although during the day it isn't too bad, from about 3am to 10am, no matter how many cough drops or how much cough syrup I consume, it mysteriously comes back and I start hacking away again. I look like a raccoon for I have perpetual bags underneath my eyes. I have an ugly open cold sore on the outside of my lip and a huge canker sore right behind it on the inside my mouth so that whenever I drink, talk, eat, smile, I hurt a lot.

Yet, however, I honestly feel like things aren't too bad. I admit that a lot of my time has not been spent studying for my final as it should be, but there are other things that have made me realize that I'm glad I wasn't wasting my time sleeping or studying. Here's what I've learned/discovered:
-I admire Eugene Shin for his candor and frankness. I admire the fact that he is confident enough to speak his mind with no qualms about what he says. I also admire his height and muscular body that instills this great comforting feeling of security and safeness when psychotics who claim that their gay lovers have locked them out of the apartment ask Christians for prayers and help for their gay lovers who aren't Christians and think that the psychotics are gay, when in reality, the psychotics are bisexual.
-I admire Andrew Chon for his determination in never compromising himself for mediocrity. I admire his ability to grasp meaning from difficult implications, and his ability to not settle for the typical, easier answers. And I admire his creative and imaginative style of writing papers... his method of employing a "surprise element" near the conclusion to wow and amaze the reader into affirming that the paper is the work of a genius.
-I admire my ability to finally understand how to use webdisk so that I can post this very appropriate picture. [Thanks to the abovementioned two people for being patient with me until I finally did understand.] I got this picture off of Glow's Xanga, and I've been wanting to post it ever since finals began.

This is perfect, don't you think? =]

The library is the bane of my existence [followed shortly by Mejeld Lee], but I'm still drawn to it day after day and night after night. It comforts me knowing that when I completely break down and want to cry miserably or end my meaningless life, there are either those that are willing to do it with me, or there are those that possess the sagacity to say the exact words or smile in such a way that encourages me and uplifts me and prevents me from going completely kookoo. It's a win-win situation.

I wish I had popsicles and watermelon today.

I have just created my thesis for my 11-13 page English 100 Junior Seminar Women's Films paper. Now I have approximately 8 hours to do the whole stupid thing.

Anyways, I like Amanda Hwang. I like it when she does triple hip thrusts cuz she's happy or excited and I like it when she conks out during small group while we're all pouring out our hearts. hahaha. =] This is how nice and sweet she is:

Amanda15CW: YOU CAN DO IT
Amanda15CW: GO JAHNDEEEEE
Kpxgrlx012: ahaha
Kpxgrlx012: thank you
Amanda15CW: I'll beee supporting you
Amanda15CW: nooow....go turn your power brain on
Amanda15CW: and be like..."Thesis, I own you!!"
Kpxgrlx012: hahahahhahaaha
Amanda15CW: okies....you can do it! I have faith in you

I am very ambivalent about Roy Chung. He hangs up on people even though he's the one who asks them to wake him up, and he is killing his body by clogging up his arteries with lard and blubber and by refusing to get a good night's rest. This is how unsupportive and ridiculous he is:

b o y 52: wat the freak? another paper?
Kpxgrlx012: yeah
b o y 52: due when?
Kpxgrlx012: today by 4
b o y 52: ..
b o y 52: monday?
Kpxgrlx012: =[
b o y 52: wat the freak
b o y 52: how come you always do papers at the last minute
b o y 52: wat the freak
b o y 52: go work

b o y 52: i got five hours of sleep in the last 60 hours
Kpxgrlx012: ...
Kpxgrlx012: ROYEE
Kpxgrlx012: go sleep
b o y 52: i will soon
Kpxgrlx012: what if u crash later this week when its closer to ur finals?
Kpxgrlx012: sleep 8 hours today
b o y 52: hm
b o y 52: i havent thought that far ahead
b o y 52: im going to catch sars and die
Kpxgrlx012: yes
Kpxgrlx012: so lsiten to me you freak
Kpxgrlx012: stop being so selfish
b o y 52: how is that being selfish?
b o y 52: look
b o y 52: i continue how im living now
b o y 52: get married, have children
b o y 52: then my daughters are going to stay home and take care of daddy
b o y 52: see? its the circle of love
Kpxgrlx012: if u continue the way ur living now
Kpxgrlx012: there wont be any daughters taking care of you
b o y 52: yes there will be
b o y 52: theyre going to love me more than they love their mom
b o y 52: hahahahahaah

These are the encouraging words from a friend[?] of mine. I won't disclose his name for it will only shock the multitudes of chickies that worship the ground he walks on. Fools, they are, FOOLS.

"I only like you cuz I have to like you."

"God will punish you and you will fail all of your finals."

...

This time next week it'll all be over.

I hate the library. It is horrible. But the one good thing about it is that I get to talk to people I don't normally get to and we can stress, be ugly, eat, and encourage one another if need be.

I got raped on my PS 150 final today. I ran in late so that my thoughts were all scattered when I started my essay. And there was frigid air blowing directly into my face so that I was really cold and coughing a lot. Also, the girl gsi decided to be nice and bake cookies, and brought them for everyone in the class to eat after they turned in their finals. However, since I was late, I had to sit in the very front, and the very front of the room were where the cookies were situated. I kept eyeing the cookies for three hours and my mind kept wandering as I thought about what type of cookies they were and how much I wish I was done with my final so that I could get a cookie.

...

bCxaNgeL143 (4:55:27 AM): u're such a freakin girl
Kpxgrlx012 (4:55:41 AM): what??
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:03 AM): u are
Kpxgrlx012 (4:56:13 AM): WHAT
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:18 AM): despite that man voice of urs...
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:27 AM): and ur frequent obnoxious burps
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:42 AM): and ur ignorance of girly facial hygiene products
bCxaNgeL143 (4:56:56 AM): and ur refusal to wear a dress
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:02 AM): ...
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:07 AM): u're such a girl
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:08 AM): yeah
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:12 AM): im sorry
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:34 AM): it's a compliment!!
Kpxgrlx012 (4:57:49 AM): HOW IS THAT A COMPLIMENT
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:53 AM): IT IS!!!
bCxaNgeL143 (4:57:54 AM): OMG
bCxaNgeL143 (4:58:14 AM): it means u're really sensitive inside
bCxaNgeL143 (4:58:25 AM): thass why u don't like things that hurt..things that taste nasty
bCxaNgeL143 (4:58:36 AM): and why u cry so easily in movies

I still don't understand how anything Sewon mentioned above compliments me in any way.

This is my bad day...

-My cough hasn't gotten better despite the fact that I've been o'ding on Kristy's cough syrup and sleeping with the heater on. My throat, head and abs hurt from the incessant coughing. I also cannot return to the library as a result of my chagrining experience last night.
-Today was hot. I despise it when it's hot and I don't have any popsicles.
-I gave myself a horrible migraine that lasted for approximately 6 hours. Causes included the heat, my coughing, and the smell of my hair. I've changed my shampoo and the new smell of it makes me want to rip my hair out. The heat makes the smell especially worse and the stench from my own head engulfed me in the most overwhelmingly oppressive way possible.
-Unpleasant experience at Bing Ling's.
-Korean 100B. Words cannot describe the way I feel right now. *sigh*

I got kicked out of Moffit library for coughing so much. I was so humiliated. =[

I had my once-a-year talk with Andy just now. We talked outside my apartment for a few hours with my coughing spurts and his red, itchy eye from rubbing it after playing with Dooli. This is my conclusion: I can't understand why it is that Andy and I never get the chance to talk until it is too late. It is mind-boggling. *sigh* And I can't help but wonder if things would be different had we the chance to have talked to each other when we needed to.

Reading everyone's blogs have made me feel weird. I sense the urgency in making the most of this last year left at Berkeley, but at the same time, I don't want to force the memories and experiences to occur simply for the sake of it being my senior year. I just want to go with the flow, and hope that God will continue to show me his blessings and love through the people that surround me.

Last night at Robert and John Song's house is an example. I had a lot of fun, despite the fact that we didn't get to watch "집으로" and cry as planned. Instead, we watched Kings of Comedy and Kung Pow, and played countless rounds of speed scrabble. There was a really diverse group of people so that made me happy cuz I got to know other people better and also see their oddities and quirks fully exposed late at night. The night passed by sort of in a blur cuz it was so fun and was so frequently punctuated by coughing fits. But this is some of the stuff I remember:

-John Song's niceness. Examples include: getting Fred glasses of milk, getting Fred a LOT of vanilla bean ice cream, making me green tea, giving me a band-aid AND Neosporin, and letting us eat all his munchies.
-Hearing James Song, Kwansoo, and John Im be the only ones in the entire room laughing uproariously at Kung Pow.
-Watching Fred spend many many minutes making only 5+ letter words with his Scrabble pieces and my being thoroughly impressed when he finished.
-Liz and her dirty Scrabble words. =]
-Albert telling me that I sound like a manly baby. Kwansoo telling me that my voice is lower than his.
-Jack in the Box late at night. [Thanks Rob, Josei, and Nancy for getting the food for all of us.]
-Being kidnapped to Kwan's house to watch The Ring 2.
-Listening to The Ring 2 after seeing the first scene and concluding that 1. it was going to be too scary and 2. it would take too much effort to read the blurry Korean subtitles.
-Waking up with Fred to go home in the morning. Seeing everyone else still conked out and sprawled out in a disgusting manner either on the floor or on the bed.

How easy it is to disappear...

Today was a really good day except I didn't get anything academically productive done. I have yet to find a topic for my English 100 paper due Thursday that is worth virtually 99% of my grade. And I realized the sad fact that I have hesitations around certain people who other people think I'm "good friends" with. These hesitations usually indicate that I have trouble confiding in these supposed "friends."

On a much happier note, the definite highlight of the day was our last small group meeting at the Super DC, treated by the super cool little freshies of our group. =D

Afterwards, Amanda, Liz, Jenny, Esther, Janet, Carolina, and myself headed over to Esther's place for a time of sharing and talking. It was such a great time cuz everyone just opened up and shared all their different issues and dilemmas. There were many different emotions felt tonight... a lot of sad and frustrated tears in the beginning, but a lot of happy and obnoxious laughter at the end. Wow... if there is anything that I can be thankful for this year, it is my small group this year. I seriously find it such a blessing to have found such a great group of people that I could really open up with and share all my problems. I get so incredibly happy whenever I get to spend time with them... and so I don't know how I'll be able to cope next year without all of them.

The funny moments of tonight:
-Pet names shared between significant others.
-Janet Kwak's ugly new hairstyle.
-Amanda and her future mate.
-Jenny and her "8" previous boyfriends.
-Why guys and girls cannot be "best friends."

I get really angry at myself sometimes. *sigh*

Then I get sad.

I watched X2: X-Men United with a bunch of juniors. I haven't seen the first one though and I have very limited knowledge of these mutants and their powers. Kwansoo got mad at me cuz he was really excited about the characters and wanted to discuss them, but I was completely useless. But I liked the movie even though I didn't understand why and how the white man who looked like Gandalf was in jail in the first place and why the Rogue chick was so close to Wolverine. [Hugh Jackman is freakin hot btw. WOW. That other guy that turns into metal also had a very delicious body~ it was chock full of well-defined abs, pecs, and other yummy muscles.] There were some sad moments in the movie too where I could feel my eyes starting to sting and feel my chest tighten, but those moments would quickly disappear when hearing Nancy and Alex's snickers and snorts at the cheesiness of the movie. Which, I admit, was quite cheesy at times, but I like cheesy and how the movieworld jerks my emotions around. Haha. But the part where the sunglasses guy was talking to the bald man was pretty ugly. His face was all squished and contorted in what was supposed to be heart-breaking pain and angst, but it was just straight-up ugly cuz it looked like he had one of those vein-popping-out-of-your-forehead-cuz-you-have-to-push-so-damn-hard ddong experiences.

Then Esther, Nancy, Andy, Kwansoo, Roy, Billy, Slum, and I went to Denny's. We spent over two hours there. I'm getting annoyed by my sister's stupid keyboard so here's my quick recap:
-Nancy, Esther and I getting scared that no one was at Denny's and that everything was so deathly quiet.
-Nancy and I thinking that the waiter man at Denny's knew that Roy was a magician.
-Good convo with Nancy while we were waiting for the boys to come and reading the menu over and over again discussing the level of fat we wanted to taste in our foods and what dessert looked good.
-Roy's stupid superpowers that failed miserably: having photographic memory [normal people already have], not needing oxygen to live so that he could live under the sea by himself and be a lonely old hag who plays with imaginary mer-people, and being 2-dimensional so that people could carry him in their pockets and people could use him to shade themselves or to fan fires.
-Billy and Slum shooting down every single one of Nancy's ideas cuz they were too evil and selfish.
-Roy's face turning all wrinkled and scrunchy and red from laughing so hard and watching him dab his tears like a girl.
-Nancy as *Condiment Girl* and having the wonderful superpower of squirting out any desired condiment through her fingers. [This was one of my favorites. Can you imagine?? The possibilities would be endless...]
-Slum's comment of how we all already possess our own superpowers. He gave three examples and then stopped. [Slum: to be tall, Billy: ability to not know how to cut his own hair, Roy: pimp power]

It was a time full of lots of fun, laughs, and good company. It made me very happy. =]

"Some of God's greatest gifts are the unanswered prayers."

Senior banquet was tonight. I can't believe how quickly it came and passed. I also can't believe that this time next year, I will be attending my last senior banquet. Everyone looked amazing tonight. Everything was so great.. the skits, Royee's quasi-magic show, the performances, the videos, the slide show. Andy Chon's talent is extraordinary. The slideshow he created for the seniors was incredible. I hope the seniors were able to see just a glimpse of how important they are to all of us. There's something about pictures that can encapsulate one's true feelings and intentions without having to blatantly state it. I think Andy's slideshow did just that.

The Good:
-I finally finished my PS 150 20-page paper that's due today at 2pm. Too bad my partner has the other half of it so I don't know if what I wrote makes sense.
-I had my longest conversation ever with Paul Hwang in the wee hours of the morning. I honestly believe there are some girls who think protruding bellies are dead sexy. ... Or at least his.
-I thought about my small group and I got happy.
-I was perusing through a bunch of pictures and then re-watched the ESBN slideshow.
-I had a lovely conversation with my momma. I miss her. =/

The Bad:
-I haven't been home since 10:30 yesterday morning.
-I haven't eaten solid food since 3pm yesterday. But I have drunken 1 can of Diet Coke and 2 cans of Pepsi Twist.
-I hate the Unit 1 Computing Center.

The Straight-Up Disgusting:
-I haven't brushed my teeth since 10:30 yesterday morning. And since I imbibed three cans of carbonated beverage, there is this wonderful sugary film coating my teeth.

I went to Costco today with Sewon. She went to buy us a berry sundae while I finished my slice of pizza. Feeling lonely, I was chomping away while absentmindedly staring off into space when I suddenly noticed this little old wrinkled lady sitting at the next table, facing me. I like old people, so I stared while she ate a hot dog, vertically held very carefully in her two hands. Then I began to get worried for her, especially cuz she looked a bit sad and melancholic sitting there, all by herself with her hot dog. But I realized she had a little old wrinkled spouse as he came toddling back to her after refilling his drink cup. She didn't even notice him though, until he was standing right in front of her, pouring some of his drink into her empty cup. I watched her stare at the cup for a split second in pure confusion, and then watched her eyes light in pure joy as she smiled up at her husband who was smiling back down at her. I saw her mouth the words, "Thank you" and watched as she, still smiling, re-settled her gaze back onto the cup until he was done.

I don't like it when you're in a really good and happy mood, and one person can kill that mood by making you feel completely stupid. It's such a horrible feeling... to feel that you are insignificant and worthless and are someone that don't matter at all. No one should have to feel like that. No one deserves to feel like that.

I'm in a really happy mood for some reason. =]

Royee's big butt (_I_) is sleeping. Karen's murmuring her paper outloud to herself. I am working on my 8-10 page paper that is due at 4pm today.

bCxaNgeL143: judas iscariot: hurry and finish ur paper!
bCxaNgeL143: red: good luck and don't fall asleep!
bCxaNgeL143: kink: hurry up! u only have a page left
bCxaNgeL143: aiite this saintly sewon go to bed and sleep cozily
bCxaNgeL143: see ya guys soon
bCxaNgeL143: nite!

Something most unfortunate happened to me.

I was walking along Telegraph on my way home after miserably failing my Korean test [*sigh*]. There were lots of people on the street so I was forced to walk in a single line behind a tall dark-skinned man. It is quite breezy today, and as luck would have it, while I was trudging along home, the breeze was forcibly blowing against me. It naturally decided to pick up the vile b.o. stench emitting from this tall fellow and unmercifully cram it up my defenseless nostrils. This happened for an entire block. I wanted to move and escape but the flow of the opposing barrage of people forced me to stare at this guy's back in disbelief as I gulped oxygen through my open mouth.

I am now quite lightheaded and dizzy. I deduce that this must be the combined effect of the foul odor and the lack of oxygen to my brain.

"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines."

Thanks Jeniffer.

"Non est ad astra mollis e terris via."
[There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.]

It is raining.

This is my family. Today is my 아빠's 57th birthday. Isn't he so cute? =D hehehe.

Today was Easter Sunday. It was great seeing so many people be confirmed and baptized. I wonder if I will ever stop being chicken enough to publicly declare my faith in Christ as the people did today.

I had a lot of fun today during nursery. Dennis Chon wore this really nice tie and he claimed he used it to seduce the chickies. He proved this by waving the tie in front of Heidi and enticing her over to him. Heidi likes Andy and Dennis a lot. She goes to them more than she comes to me now. =/ Andy's kid, Joseph, wasn't here today so he took care of Hyo-bin today. Hyo-bin stopped crying when Andy held him. It was amazing cuz he never stops crying. Sewon was really sad cuz she's been in charge of Hyo-bin for months now, but he's been crying so much she stopped taking him. Andy was really proud cuz Hyo-bin wasn't crying at all anymore. But then Hyo-bin farted and it reeked pretty badly so Andy started freaking out and claiming that he must have ddonged. Julie left us for a while to take Communion, so we had to change Hyo-bin. It turns out that Hyo-bin didn't ddong at all. Andy and Dennis were at the opposite side of the room when they thought he ddonged. And then to make it worse, Andy wanted to leave the used diaper on Hyo-bin even after we started to pull it off of him. haha. It's interesting to speculate what kinds of fathers boys will turn out to be. It's also interesting to see how Andy Chon can sweat so much.

I went to Jong Ga Jib with Danny, Sewon, and Kristy for dinner. I don't know why, but I had a particularly fun time with them tonight. It was funny watching Danny try to learn his Korean vocabulary while we were eating. Then we went to McDonald's for ice cream. I was telling Sewon and Kristy about me and Danny in the past. Reliving old memories is always fun.

Then we watched Brown Sugar, took a break for the boys' softball game, and then resumed watching Brown Sugar. Taye Digges is seriously cute.

One bad thing that happened was that the English class that I wanted to take got cancelled. Now I have to reschedule everything, which sucks cuz there's so much uncertainty.

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out. Patience is genius."
-Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

I had a really good time today at Stanford for the Good Friday service.

I ate a lot today, considering how I didn't get to eat for over 24 hours. I had Quizno's before the service with our class and Stanford people, and then In-N-Out with a bunch of our people and others again. Andy introduced me to the Animal Style with both real and caramelized onions. It is my new favorite.

I got to talk to Phil and Judy from Stanford a little bit more. I realized today how it's now my third year attending KCPC, and I've just now met these people. But I suppose I should be thankful that I even had the chance to meet them at all. I wish there were more chances for Cal people and Stanford people to interact and fellowship with each other.

Kwansoo told us that the tiger we bought him was not his favorite, and that the dinosaur one was. I was sad because of that. We wanted to get him his favorite one to show him our appreciation.

Andy infuriated me, although unintentionally, I think. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't take me seriously at all and thinks that I'm just a stupid ditz who doesn't know anything. I think he saw that I was bothered though, so he tried to make it up to me by being nice to me for the rest of the evening. What struck me as ironic though was that I think he thought I was joking the entire time, and thus, everything he did was out of fun, but inside, I was honestly hurt and confused. I suppose I am a good liar.

I learned something from the message today so that was good. I realized that as long as I have Christ as my only anchor to hold onto, I don't have to worry about stupid and petty things bringing me down.

"It didn't take me too long to find
The chains you just had freed me from
I got so used to having them on
I didn't know how to live in freedom

This can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me
And this can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse me now
Sovereign and holy, come make me holy now

What is it in the nature of man
That draws us away from our purpose
To despise the things of God
And love the things that hurt us

And this can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for us
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for us

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

This can't be, no it can't be
What you have intended for me
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

Straight from your holy place,
Lord, make us holy as you are holy
Send it down Lord, just a little bit of heaven here on earth
Send down your glory
Lord we need you, Lord we need you, Lord we need you
Lord I love you, Lord I love you, Lord I love you
Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus"
-"Glory Come Down" Sara Groves

"Jesus, Jesus, bright as the morning star
Jesus, how can I tell you
How beautiful you are to me
Jesus, song that the angels sing
Jesus, dearer to my heart
Than anything
Sweeter than springtime
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me

Jesus, bright as the morning star
Jesus, how can I tell you
How beautiful you are to me
My Jesus, song that the angels sing
Jesus, dearer to my heart
Than anything
Sweeter than spring time
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me

Oh, You are so beautiful
Oh Beautiful
So beautiful
So beautiful
Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful, Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Beautiful, wonderful, everything
Beautiful, Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Wonderful, morning star, Lord you are, Beautiful
Jesus, You're beautiful to me
Ohh, so beautiful

Sweeter than springtime
Purer than sunshine
Ever my song will be
Jesus, You're beautiful to me"
-"Jesus, You're Beautiful" Sara Groves

I'm having a very difficult time figuring out my schedule for this next year. It's been worrying me a lot actually.

I watched this link from Frontline and learned a lot about the situation in North Korea. It scares me to see people so ardently and fervently believing that Kim Jong Il is their god. And I wonder how my lfe would be like if I lived in North Korea right now, if I would be one of the mindless followers of Kim Jong Il, or if I would be one of those underground resistance workers... if I would compromise my beliefs for the sake of my life, or risk my life to hold onto my beliefs... *sigh*

Our girls' accountability group finished reading the book of Matthew today. There was one part that struck me while we were reading, and that I took to heart:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:33-34

I did absolutely nothing related to school since I turned in my paper earlier today. It felt great.

I enjoyed the rain a lot today, but was a bit sad when people said that it was too depressing for them. =[

I watched The Contender with the Fat Guys.

I realize how corrupt politics is, and the way I realized this was from simply watching this movie. I can't even imagine what it's like in the real world. But I really enjoyed this movie... it somehow inspired me and made me feel that I need to hang onto whatever fundamental values that I believe in. It is essentially those values that will be attacked and questioned in the world, and if I compromise those, then I feel like I will cease to be whoever I was created to be and I will disappear forever.

...

JUDwhaEE (1:44:55 AM): hhaha
JUDwhaEE (1:45:00 AM): u know how u said the presdient was weird
JUDwhaEE (1:45:03 AM): look at this...
JUDwhaEE (1:45:13 AM): Perhaps the most idiotic leap in character is Jeff Bridges' President Evans, and how he instantly goes from a scatter-brained moron to the most eloquent speaker of history, rallying the entire contry with a few well-chosen words.

I'm still working on my paper and realizing that I don't have what it takes to succeed at Berkeley. That's depressing.

The majority of the junior boys are still signed online and amazingly, none of them have away messages or are idle.

Instead of writing my paper, I am sitting here speculating on the reason why they are online so late. My hypothesis? The junior boys are all in a chatroom together complimenting each other and stroking each other's egos on how sexy and hot each other are. And then when they are tired of that, they are complaining about the lack of good-looking girls in the ministry. But the complaining would last but a brief second as the homosexual lauding and extolling would resume again. How endearing the boys are. *pat pat*

It scares me how easy it is to lie to people. I see myself lying to people that I honestly like and respect like Andy and even Roy and it fascinates me on this freakishly scary level to find how easy it is to smile and joke around when inside I don't feel a bit of what I'm portraying. Then I wonder why I need to resort to this level of shutting people out and blatantly lying to their faces about what's going on. Can my heart really be so hard and selfish? Am I justified in behaving the way that I am? So many questions that are left unanswered all the time without any closure or stability...

So I'm left struggling... not knowing what to do and how to go about fixing it. I don't want the easy way out, not this time. But I've already resorted to that again. It's the same cycle over and over again. Lying is such a cop-out way to deal with things, and yet it's so easy to lie. It's scary how the way we live these days presents more accessibility to lying. Things like email or AIM or even blogs have provided me with more opportunities to lie than I care to imagine. What's ironic is that these are mechanisms that one can use to be honest and truthful, and though I've had wonderful conversations or emails that have genuinely been from the heart, those cases have been more the exception and not the standard. *sigh*

I think about the sheer beauty in the falling rain or in a rainbow, and somehow, everything feels ever-so-slightly better.

It is always the smallest and simplest things that leave the lasting impressions on one's heart.

While I was walking back from work just now, it began to sprinkle a little bit right when I hit Channing and Bowditch. What made me completely stop walking was that the sun was still shining brightly. As I crossed, I looked to my right and was able to see every single drop of rain reflecting off the sunlight. When I got to Haste, I looked to my right again cuz there are a lot of trees and and plants around People's Park. You could see the light shining through the cracks of the leaves, thus illuminating certain parts of the light sprinkling rain against this incredible blue sky full of fat white puffy clouds. It was so incredibly beautiful.

The rain has got to be one of the most awesome and most beautiful masterpieces of God. I love it when it rains in all circumstances, but the way I experienced it today was simply amazing. It's such a rare opportunity to see the rain fall while the sun is still shining brightly. I feel like I caught a glimpse of what heaven will be like just now.

I'm happy.

I had lunch with Julie Kim today at Cafe Durant.

I had my second lunch a few hours later with Grace Lee at Daruma's.

1.5 hours is definitely not long enough to have a meaningful talk with someone. However, even the shortest amount of time spent with these two people is an immense joy and honor. They are two amazing people. I can literally see God's love and grace exuding from the way they smile, speak, or think. Wow.

...

Today I decided that I'm taking a hiatus.
I'm damned sick of everything.

So I lied about Kwansoo Jun being a nice guy. He is horrible and evil.

kwanshu: i was going to show you a website but you would hate me
Kpxgrlx012: ...
Kpxgrlx012: what wesbite? scary??
kwanshu: yeah
kwanshu: you wanna see?
Kpxgrlx012: NOOOOOOOOOOO
kwanshu: come on
Kpxgrlx012: NO NO NO
kwanshu: i'm sure you'd wake up the entire neighborhood
kwanshu: ok.. literally
kwanshu: i saw it and i completely spazed and freaked
kwanshu: and my heart started beating, my mouth started to get warm
and salivate, and my eyes started to water
Kpxgrlx012: so waht makes you think that I would want to see it
kwanshu: i was soooo scared
Kpxgrlx012: are you crazy?????
kwanshu: because you're curious as to what would scare me that much
Kpxgrlx012: shaddup
Kpxgrlx012: im not

7 minutes later...
kwanshu: i'm telling you its the scariest thing i've seen in my life
kwanshu: do you not believe me or what?
kwanshu: come on
kwanshu: i really think you'll cry
Kpxgrlx012: ...
Kpxgrlx012: gosh, youre so nice FRIEND
kwanshu: at least 'm telling you before hand right?
kwanshu: i coudl have just showed it to you and said to watch it
Kpxgrlx012: iw oudltn have
Kpxgrlx012: i never click links anymore
Kpxgrlx012: i have guinea pigs
Kpxgrlx012: for example, i tend to use roy a lot
kwanshu: hahahahhaa
Kpxgrlx012: test it on sewon
kwanshu: darn it
kwanshu: i lost the link now

30 minutes later...
kwanshu: ok.. i found the website again
kwanshu: sewon's gonna watch it
Kpxgrlx012: did u wan her? how scary it is?
kwanshu: yeah
kwanshu: but she said she's still going to get mad at me if she gets really
scared
kwanshu: you want to see it?
Kpxgrlx012: NO
Kpxgrlx012: go away
kwanshu: here.. i'll just give you the link and if you get curious you can
see it [sends link]
kwanshu: why did you just warn me??
kwanshu: you're not the least bit curious?
Kpxgrlx012: shaddup
Kpxgrlx012: sopt it

5 minutes later, this is Sewon's reaction...
Kpxgrlx012: bCxaNgeL143: jahndee
bCxaNgeL143: u gonan cry
bCxaNgeL143: don't do it
bCxaNgeL143: omg
bCxaNgeL143: i can't breathe
kwanshu: hahahahahaha
Kpxgrlx012: bCxaNgeL143: i'm hyperventilating
bCxaNgeL143: i'm still shaking
bCxaNgeL143: omg
bCxaNgeL143: jahnde
bCxaNgeL143: i'ms o scared
Kpxgrlx012: its one of those screaming ones??
bCxaNgeL143: yea...scream bloody murder...totally horrified ones
bCxaNgeL143: i wanted to cry
bCxaNgeL143: seriously
Kpxgrlx012: =[
Kpxgrlx012: kwan really wants me to watch the stupid link
bCxaNgeL143: hahahaha
bCxaNgeL143: watch it
bCxaNgeL143: haha actually don't
bCxaNgeL143: i think u'll get a heart attack
bCxaNgeL143: b/c i did
bCxaNgeL143: and u hear something right?
bCxaNgeL143: and i didn't wanna hear
bCxaNgeL143: so i kept screaming louder and louder
bCxaNgeL143: to drown out the sound
kwanshu: i told you.. i think you'd cry
Kpxgrlx012: im scared by reading waht sewon wrote
Kpxgrlx012: you suck kwan
kwanshu: hahahahahah
kwanshu: actually, don't watch it
kwanshu: i want to be there when you do
kwanshu: why?
kwanshu: i warned her
Kpxgrlx012: im scared rhgt now
kwanshu: scared?? scared of what??
kwanshu: i'm all by myself
kwanshu: you didn't see anything
kwanshu: you scare too easily
Kpxgrlx012: oh shaddup
kwanshu: just watch it
kwanshu: then you can be scared with us
Kpxgrlx012: NO
kwanshu: pooper

Kwansoo spent over an hour trying to convince me to watch the stupid link. Throughout that hour, he sent me the link four or five times, somehow thinking that with repeated exposure to it, I would be more prone to willingly click on the link and getting the ddong scared out of me. In conclusion, though I wish Kwansoo and Sewon do not suffer from horrifying nightmares tonight, I do wish a teensy bit that Kwansoo will have to resort to barricading himself in his bed by surrounding the bed's periphery with pillows such as I must do whenever I get terror-stricken.

I had a great lunch with Chris Son today at Espresso Experience. We concluded that we are two Easter eggs in one basket. =D

I have had an online relationship with this one guy for about five or six years now. I guess what's weird is that I have yet to meet him in person, although we've made futile attempts to meet up and play on several occasions. We used to talk often in high school and during freshmen and the beginning of sophomore year, but we really haven't talked much since then. It was pretty crazy cuz I was thinking about him recently and today he randomly IMed me. It's odd that I have history with this boy I've never met and that I really enjoyed my hour long conversation with him. He also sent me a picture of himself "in case I was still curious to see what he looked like" [I quote him directly]. I momentarily felt like I was in high school again. I was happy when I saw the picture. He's cute. =]

I currently have 8 different boxes of cereal on top of my refrigerator. I have two new additions today: Cinnamon Toast Crunch inspired by Derek Park while studying at the library earlier tonight and Kellogg's Fruit Harvest Apple Cinnamon inspired by Glow Min at our last staff meeting. =D

Today was the Baja Fresh Fundraiser, and although I don't know exactly how much money we raised, it sure felt like we raised a lot. Thanks to everyone who showed up to show their support. God was truly glorified tonight. It was awesome seeing nearly all of Ficb and people from Eastbay come out and take up 90% of the entire restaurant. It reminds me that in this world we are never alone and that there are fellow brothers and sisters that can always be counted on to serve God with you. What a great and encouraging thought. =] Thank you again.

I have spent forever studying for my Korean test tomorrow and I'm still not done. *sigh* I am reminded yet again of how much I suck in Korean and how much more imperative it is that I find a fobalicious husband who will instill in my five offspring the fundamental basics of the Korean language. Hence I will be thwarting them from undergoing the same tortuous process of frantically cramming vocabulary and hanja into their unwilling brains such as I am experiencing right now.

Today wasn't that great of a day. I realized today just how poorly I'm doing this semester and that I really need to start getting my act together.

Tonight's storm, however, was incredible. I would have run around in the rain hadn't I been freezing already in my room and hadn't I this stupid test to study for.

Lightning. Thunder. Pouring Rain.

Now THAT is most definitely a pick-me-upper in the bestest sense.

Thankful moment of the day: I had a great time of sharing, praying, and reading His Word last night. It was a great encouragement and I pray that we will be able to continue to meet on a regular basis and keep each other accountable. Thanks again.

Happy moment of today: Dennis Chon bought me a Slurpee when we stopped by 7-11 after church. =D What a very nice boy. And then, since I was driving and had my hands occupied, he offered to stir it for me so that when I slurped the flow would be much easier. Nasty hot day turned quite happy by this nice gesture. =]

This is MY account of our fun quasi-roadtrip this weekend. I also believe that MY account is the most accurate:
-Arrival to Salinas at 2am and a 5 minute visit to John Steinbeck's home. Sheer disappointment that Kwansoo's house in actuality did not match the one that was in my dream.
-Meeting Kwan's friends and making fun of Kwan's doll that he had to make in high school. I think it was supposed to be a teddy bear... however, the back of the teddy bear had a buttcrack for his body. It was ugly.
-Horseback riding and having my groin hurt immensely afterwards. Enjoying the beautiful beach until my horse would get excited and would start trotting... thus jostling my groin painfully against the saddle. Seeing Kwan waiting dutifully on a sandy dune at the end of the trail to take pictures of us.
-Cannery Row. Eating at The Fish Hopper and enjoying the cool automatic paper towel dispenser. Then was bored with Kwan while the rest of them went buckwild at the jewelry store. Enjoyed the awesome view of the beach. Saw a cigarette butt floating in one of the smaller tidepools and got sad.
-Monterey Bay Aquarium. Personally think Long Beach Aquarium is better cuz there's a crazier jellyfish display and they have real penguins. However Monterey Bay has the display with the sharks, sea turtle, and HUGE fish in it. Spent the longest time at the cute sea otter display and watched them get fed. Being the epitome of true fat guys, they tend to cram all their food greedily into their mouths and like to scratch their bellies in satisfaction.
-Carmel and the 17 mile road cut down to about 7 miles. Passed all the touristy spots except the Lone Cypress. The tree is beautiful but the view of the ocean was what took my breath away.
-Shopping district and Thinker Toys. Kwan claimed that the toy store had the softest stuffed animals. Bought Kwan his favorite softest stuffed animal to show our gratitude. Realized how incredibly easy it is to fool Kwan.
-Carmel State Beach and watched the sunset. Incredibly beautiful colors. Incredibly beautiful white sand. I was awestrucken by the sheer beauty of it. Watched the dying sun glint off the shores of the beach. Watched the fog roll in, covering everything in a gray mist except the area where the sun was nearly gone. Watched Sewon chase after dogs and watched Karen draw her favorite animals [Shamu, a panda, a turtle, and I forgot the last one. A monkey, was it?]
-Carpys for dinner. Mistakenly thought it was appropriate to appear in our bum gear based on our observations that the outside was covered in shrubbery and wild foliage. Were all chagrined that it was in fact, very posh, with more than one fork and wine glasses. Had ribs. Mouth literally dropped at the desserts the couple ordered next to us. Tried to order the same dessert but failed miserably. Almost got away with paying for Kwan's dinner without him suspecting anything.
-Stopped to get gas where I proceeded to act like a complete idiot in front of Kwan and his friend Carlos. Squawked "Kwan, show me the money!!!" only to see two boys laughing uproariously at me. Was thoroughly embarassed by my ugliness.

Muchos thanks to KwanSoo Jun for sacrificing his time that he could have spent with his friends and family and instead playing with us and acting as chaffeur and tourguide. He is the stubbornest person I know. Luckily, he was outnumbered, 4:1. =] Thank you again KwanSoo Jun. You are very kind and very cool.

Good times, lots of laughs, lots of fond memories. Thanks guys for making this one crazy fun 1.5 days. =D

Great news that my mother told me today: There's going to be a BCD SoonDooBoo opening soon in Cerritos. Wow. Now we're going to have TWO great places that offer this delectable cuisine. It must suck for the Downey folks who don't have a single soondooboo restaurant in their little city.

I christened Kristy's cat as Dooli so now I get to be one of his godmothers.

My parents like Roy. He is their most favoritest Roy.

I had a yummy dinner with Sharona at The Loft tonight.

I'm going to San Diego tomorrow. It's so beautiful there. I can't wait to see the pandas and the other critters.

I had the hiccups earlier and I was suddenly struck by this memory. In the 5th or 6th grade, Jean Moon and I took Mrs. Shun's writing class to help prepare for the written essay portion of the entrance examination for Whitney. One time, one of the subjects of the practice essays was to write a horror story. Jean Moon wrote about a man who was cursed with the hiccups as a punishment and who eventually hiccuped to his most unfortunate death. I didn't know back then that having the hiccups was such a dangerous disease. Did you know that everytime you hiccup, you're killing off a little bit of your brain cells? My scary story was ridiculous and it sucked like a vacuum. I made it very suspenseful and creepy up to the climax but then killed it shortly after cuz I couldn't think of a good scary conclusion for fear of scaring myself and getting nightmares. I did learn one thing however: In my essay, I used the term "drop-dead gorgeous" to describe the beautiful girl who everyone thought was so pure and innocent but who actually was the evil demon witch wreaking havoc and causing pain in everyone's lives. I thought the term was considered a compliment until Mrs. Shun sternly told me that stating that someone is "drop-dead gorgeous" is, in fact, very insulting because of the implication that the person is so ugly that one cannot help but fall down and die in shock. Mrs. Shun scared the bejeezus out of me. She had this wild curly black mane speckled generously with gray and white hair. Her favorite thing in the world was the butterfly.

Costco and Walmart are two of the greatest stores in the world.

I like spending one-on-one time with my mother.

Today's weather was absolutely wretched.

Matthew McConaughey is seriously hot. He makes my heart go *thump thump* in excitement. *(_(_) (_I_) (_)_)*

I like spending time with Jeniffer and Linda.

One week for spring break is most definitely too short.

I don't like not having a car.

I lied and didn't spend three hours working on the ESBN presentation.

It pains me to see that many of my dearest friends are undergoing some serious problems. I see their hurt and suffering and I want to make it go away, but I am incapable of doing so. I feel utterly useless. *sigh*

I watched The Pianist today with Karen. Wow... I thought this movie was incredible. It's very gripping and brutally honest. Honest in the sense that a few parts of the movie were unsettling and even a bit depressing. Maybe I was so affected cuz I saw the movie after I watched Adrien Brody's reaction when he won Best Actor last night, but regardless, I thought it was an awesome movie. It's scary to think that the same thing that happened years ago may be happening all over again in the Middle East right now... some of the things depicted in the movie were very shocking and sad.

Janusz Olejniczak is the performer who plays for Adrien Brody's character as Wladyslaw Szpilman. He is simply amazing with his beautiful playing. I had the chills while watching him play. Having the ability to play a musical instrument and being able to express one's heart through music is such an incredible blessing from God. The piano is one of my most favoritest instruments.

"... God gave us music that we may pray without words."

Tomorrow I am going to spend at least three hours on the ESBN presentation.

An individual who can bring about changes and resolutions is often the same individual who caused the problem in the first place.
I will expound upon the abovementioned statement another time.

But right now, I'm preoccupied with other things that are making me contemplate and re-evaluate a lot of stuff. I'm being vague on purpose because I can't gauge whether if that's necessarily a bad thing or not.

And I want to watch The Pianist.

FRIENDS + FAMILY + FOOD = FUN

I had a really great day today. *warning* This is going to be a long entry cuz I want to remember as much detail of it as possible.

I had a late lunch with the fat guys, Karen, Judy, Sewon, and Kristy. We went to Roscoe's Chicken n Waffles on Pico and La Brea. It was Karen, Sewon, and Kristy's first time eating there so we naturally ordered a heap of food to make the most of the momentous occasion. It was very exciting for me cuz we ordered the Jeanne Jones Omelette and even though no one tried it before, I'm glad I persuaded them to try it cuz they all liked it a lot.

Funny moments from lunch:
-Trying to think of names for Kristy's new kitty and explaining to her why one cannot bring a pet kitty to the beach.
-Sewon opening her wetnap and rubbing it on her hands before realizing that the wetnap wasn't wet but in fact, was completely dry.
-Judy ignoring the waitress asking if she wanted more water cuz she was too engrossed in her chicken wing.
-Seeing the man who had bigger boobies than me, and feeling sad.
-Feeling Sewon's dead, coarse, and damaged hair and equating that to the feeling of steel wool. Karen grabbed a chunk and said that she wished she could ddae-mi-luh her skin with it.
-Karen and Sewon identically dressed like each other... down to the shades and the hairstyle. Then hearing them bicker about who was trying to imitate who.
-The complete silence at the table while we were consuming our food: proof that we are true fat guys who enjoy food way more than each other's company.

Something sad happened right as we were waddling out of Roscoe's: I got a parking ticket. The cost of the ticket doesn't really bother me, but the fact that I have now experienced all the common infractions typical drivers undergo is a bit disheartening. But my parents weren't even mad about it, so no worries. I'm planning on contesting it. The idiots should blatantly tell us that we need to pay for meter parking and not put up tricky signs that confuse fat Berkeley students.

I took a big ddong right when I got home and slept on the way back to LA to digest all my food cuz two hours later, I went to eat dinner with my family for my halmoni's birthday. It's her 82nd birthday today. =D We went to Little Tokyo and ate at Curry House. It's yummy there, but what impressed me was their tasty fonzu dressing. Earlier when I went to Fonzu in SF with my small group, the fonzu sauce they served was disgusting. This was much better so I was happy. Curry House also had Calpico Water, a drink that is very similar to what non-carbonated Milkis would taste like. My dad liked Calpico a lot. In fact, he liked it so much he asked the waitress where he could go buy some more. She told us of a market near the restaurant so right after we ate, we eagerly walked to the store. Unfortunately it was already closed, and my dad was really sad until my uncle mentioned that there was another market nearby that was probably still open. We all piled into the minivan and drove for about 10 minutes to this market that was also already closed. To comfort ourselves, we went to Man Na Sa Jae Bakery to buy a fruit cake for my halmoni. It turns out it was the same bakery that my mom got her wedding cake from. Inside the store, she eagerly described her cake to my sister, me, and my aunt, brandishing her arms about to show the length and shape of the cake, and bragging that she had a mini water fountain underneath the arch of the cake. Then she got sad cuz the cake that she wanted to buy was already reserved for someone else. She wanted the square fruit cake with sliced almonds. There were only round fruit cakes with no almonds left. She was really sad. But then she remembered that her wedding cake had lots of yellow flowers on it so she became happy again. My mom's favorite color is yellow. Then we went back to my halmoni's place and ate the round cake and watched old, wrinkled gasoos who were once popular stars sing their once famous songs. I had a really great time with my family tonight. =D

Memorable moments from dinner:
-A car almost hitting us while backing up. My dad desperately trying to honk at the car [he looked like he was convulsing cuz he was hitting the steering wheel so hard] and finally letting out a single pathetic honk at the car which by then, was about 100 feet in front of us.
-My dad getting really happy when I told him that Karen thought he was cute.
-My mom's voice significantly rising to a higher octave when she asked how Roy was doing. Then, later, forbidding me to continue feeding Roy.
-My mom disclosing the fact that an ugly nerd is better than no nerd at all.
-My halmoni's face illuminated by the candles right before she blew them out.
-My uncle's overly excited reaction when I told him my major and my future plans.
-My dad feigning exhaustion whenever he does something wrong and is caught by my mom.
-Noticing that my uncle looks significantly better now that my aunt probably dresses him.
-Finding out that my other uncle is now an associate professor at USC Dental School.
-My halmoni reaching into the toilet with her bare hands and pulling out the tightly wedged toilet paper that my sister clogged her toilet with after taking a ddong.

...

I cannot wait to go horseback riding on the beach. I no longer care about picking apples in Washington. Imagine the wind whipping through my hair,the smell of the clean, fresh air, the sound of the Atlantic Ocean's waves crashing on the sandy shore, the sound of my beautiful brown mare's hooves pounding on the sand, riding along next to a hot and hunky man on a white horse... WOW. I'm so excited. I can't wait.

There are two important things that I learned today... one good, and one that sucks ass.

Good thing: Albert the freshie is a really nice and sweet guy. He was horrified at the things I accused him of and for that, I'm really sorry. Somehow, I always manage to get things screwy and confused. Anyways, I'm very glad I was wrong. I like Albert a lot. I learned that I should stick with my initial intuitions first [as I know other people should as well]. I also learned that Albert can often be misjudged. Fred said that his sense of humor can be seen as rude to other people and they can take offense at the serious way his jokes may be presented. I think that's like when Eugene Shin would say a stupid comment and I'd think he was kidding so I started to laugh. But then he'd drop his dimpled grin and look so serious and mad that I'd get scared and think I offended him in some way. I guess it just takes time to get to know people. However, I'd like to reiterate the fact that I'm glad my misconceptions of Albert were wrong and I'm glad that he's such a nice guy. =]

Bad thing: I learned that happiness is a fleeting and unstable feeling. I think for one moment you can be on this good high but you can't ever be too comfortable or secure cuz that high can quickly come crashing to a screeching halt in a matter of seconds. I think I've felt the insecurities and riskiness of life too much. Is it all even worth it? Maybe I'm just one who suffers from the consequences of being bipolar.

Missed all my classes again today. Drat. I better fix this nasty habit after we come back from spring break.

Karen and I watched an episode of Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers late last night. Do you remember those days? Wow, they were fun.

Roy has the shortest attention span in the world. Roy is also one of the few boys I know who would relentlessly clobber an innocent girl with pillows for five continuous minutes to get her to study. Good intentions yes, but that jidiotic hypocrite conked out himself within minutes after coercing me to wake up instead of studying for his own midterm.

My goal for the summer is to learn how to cook at least two dishes. Keep me accountable as I already know that this will be an immense challenge.

I ate an obscene amount of food today.

I had lunch with Sara Yin at Daruma's. I had a really good time cuz Sara is a friend who I can blatantly do the most repulsive things in front of and won't flinch a bit cuz she's done equally if not worse things herself. I haven't talked to Sara for quite some time now, so I was really really happy that I could spend a couple hours with her today. I openly admire her strength and determination in all aspects of life. We talked about our current situations and our future plans, and then started talking about the past. We've had some good times, Sara and I. I first met the Burbank Boys with her. I had my first breakdown in front of her. I've had many firsts with her, but I don't know if it's appropriate to list them all here. And although it was great reliving old memories, I couldn't help but feel a little sad at the realization of how distant we've grown apart from each other. She says she's interested in coming back out to FICB. I told her that Roy is going to be the new praise leader and she started freaking out. She knows Roy in a completely different context. I realized a lot of things from talking with her today...

Later, my small group went to Ponzu and then Ghiradelli's in SF. Ponzu is this contemporary Asian restaurant that's named after the Japanese sauce ponzu: soy sauce with a splash of citrus fusion. The restaurant's decor was funky, with lots of curves and contorted shapes. It was very exotic, with lots of bold, rich colors complimenting the food very well. However, the food itself was okay. Esther, Amanda, Carolina, and I were at one table and we concluded that the flavors were a bit too powerful for our liking. Carolina's mouth became numb cuz her mouth couldn't handle the intensities and varying contrasts of the flavors. We all drank lots of water. Afterwards we went to Ghiradelli's and got the Earthquake, even though out of the ten girls, only six were eating it. I was actually nauseated from my gluttonous ingestion of ice cream.

My embarassing moment of the day: At Ghiradelli's, they have this basket of free chocolate that they pass out to customers. We went there about 30 minutes before closing so there was barely any people there. Meriel noticed that the basket was left unattended to so immediately all of us started grabbing chocolate, packaging them neatly into piles wrapped in napkins, and then cramming them into our purses. Then we casually sauntered out of the gift store and into the parlor area to eat our Earthquake. However, remember once again how "chons" I am. After we sat down, one of the girls told me that when I walked by, two of the workers saw the bulging napkin covered stolen chocolate in my puse and started whispering about me in their native language. I wondered how the heck they knew this so I looked down and saw that in my haste and excitement, my purse was left wide open with Ghiradelli printed napkins protruding very visibly over the top of my purse. How mortifying.

On a happier note however, I really like my small group. I get disgustingly happy when we all get together and talk and eat and spend time with each other. =D

Today's good stuff:
-All my old email returned from Bearmail.
-Dinner date with Nancy for Thursday.
-Fat guys. KoKo House. Wednesday night. $5 Ttong Dak.
-Chicken super nachos from La Burrita, Diet Coke, Nancy Kim.
-Fat guys, Spumoni ice cream, Life as a House [I liked this movie a lot.]

Today's not so good stuff:
-Realizing how behind I am in Korean after missing a week of it.
-Ugly man frightening me out of nowhere and trying to seduce me. =[
-Being bloated from over-consumption of above mentioned good stuff.

Today's FAVORITE moment:
-Most excellent 90 minute aim conversation with Eugene the Shin.
I really am happy that you visited last night, just like how I would get happy when you'd come visit me at work to point out that I did absolutely nothing. =]

Today was a good day.

Quick recap for my own sake: a reminder to be completely honest with God, confrontation with a good friend, fat guy feast, speed scrabble yet again, Eugene Shin's surprising once in a lifetime visit, fat guy dessert, and Amadeus.

I've taken the fat guy test twice so far, and I've scored higher than fat guy numero uno both times.

POTCH was today and it was really good. It's such an incredible feeling to see how so many people have been blessed with such special talents and to see how glory is brought to Him who is gracious enough to give everyone those talents. Andy Chon had this video that was quite good. There was that great customary comedic relief, but it also had a really strong message to it: that one doesn't need to have an official title to serve. I think what struck me about it was its applicability to me. It's something that I've struggled with since freshman year and it's still something that I often grapple with. I know in my brain that having a specific position or title doesn't define who I am, title isn't everything, but at certain times the tangibility of it is something I seek. I need to feel that sense of assurance that I'm actually doing something. But I know I'm being selfish and ridiculous. Fortunately, God provides opportunities that remind me that I serve God by being just who I am, and not by who I am as defined by a particular position or title. Thanks Andy. =]

I had a lot of fun later tonight too. Usually I like to remember a few good memories from the experience, but I know Karen is going to give a thorough account of everything that happened, so I'd rather talk about something else.

I realize how fickle a person I am and how I abandon those dearest to me for things I feel like will instead provide immediate gratification. I deeply hurt and insulted a good friend of mine today, and for that, I am truly apologetic. There really isn't any justification for my behavior, and I can't really explain it either. But all I know is that intimacy scares me sometimes... and I think the more I can relate to a person, the more I feel afraid.

It's been one crazy week. For those of you that know, thanks for your encouragement and nice words. They helped a lot. =]

This week's been a culmination of no sleep, no food, lots of stress, lots of caffeine, and the sudden development of dyslexia.

Earlier tonight while we were praticing for POTCH, I suddenly thought I heard something. I ran to the door and upon opening it, saw that my intuitions were correct:
*rain* and lots of it.

And I can hear it start again right now... hooray. =D

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Hannah Kim: Thanks for giving me the very pretty flowers. Today was a really long day and I wasn't doing good. But I'm so glad I got see you even for a sec cuz seeing you makes me happy. =] I was scared when you called and said you had something for me though. I thought you remembered you had to sock me and was calling me to tell me you wanted to hit me. I'm glad I was wrong. Hehe

Judy Choi: Thanks for picking me up right now even though it was 4:30 in the morning. I know you're going crazy right now with your paper, but just hang in there and think of good times like Friday after POTCH. We're going to seriously go buckwild. Seriously with absolutely no inhibitions whatsoever. I know we deserve it. =] Thanks again. I hope you finish your paper soon.

Karen Lee: Thanks girl for letting me study at your place tonight with Mark. And thanks for the large mocha bianca from Milano's. The heaps of caffeine we've been consuming these past days has been disgusting. My tolerance level is inching up higher and higher. Anyways, I know that you're going crazy too and I also say that we go play mindlessly on Friday. Think happy thoughts like picking apples in Washington and camping in Yosemite. We are going to go. =] Good luck tomorrow!

Roy Chung: Thanks for emailing me even though I haven't gotten it yet. I keep checking Bearmail cuz I'm really excited about it. I think it's the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. Dang, this email better be good. Haha. =] Oh, and thanks for thinking that you are 110% man. I laughed a lot. =]

"The present circumstance, which presses so hard against you, is the best shaped tool in the Father's hand to chisel you for eternity. Trust him then. Do not push away the instrument lest you lose its work."

AUGH. I've been using Bearmail for the past few months now and all my emails just got erased this past weekend cuz the freakin system sucks (_I_). The email that was sent out said that they are trying to retrieve my old emails, but I honestly doubt that's going to happen. This is a sign for me to use Outlook but I don't like to cuz I have old mail that I need to clean out. And the program is all retarded now too cuz I tried to be smart and add another email addy to it. Too bad I don't know why my emails are going to two different locations now.

I just checked to see how many emails I have and at this moment, I have 1275 items in my inbox, 604 of which are unread. And I have 1518 items in my deleted box, 331 of which are unread. Is that a lot?

JUDwhaEE: hahhaha
JUDwhaEE: now u have something to be excited for after work
JUDwhaEE: yayeeeeeeeeeeeeee
JUDwhaEE: fat guy happiness!!!!
Kpxgrlx012: yesssssssssss
Kpxgrlx012: =D
Kpxgrlx012: hehehhee
Kpxgrlx012: wow
Kpxgrlx012: im sooo excited
Kpxgrlx012: im gonna make it motivate em to study
JUDwhaEE: haha goood
JUDwhaEE: ubetter not be all too happy
JUDwhaEE: and so hyper
JUDwhaEE: that u'll clap your hands
JUDwhaEE: and i can't study!
JUDwhaEE: and if you're gonna do your digestion dance
JUDwhaEE: go to the livin room!
Kpxgrlx012: ahahahahahha
JUDwhaEE: hahaha
JUDwhaEE: and ifyou're going to say "YAYYY!!!!! YH:LDKJF:SL"
JUDwhaEE: take it outside!!
JUDwhaEE: andyour crazy
JUDwhaEE: OMG OMG OMG OMG
JUDwhaEE: hahahahha
JUDwhaEE: your whole happiness package
JUDwhaEE: hahahha
Kpxgrlx012: a pakcage
Kpxgrlx012: ahahahaha
JUDwhaEE: i love it
JUDwhaEE: but not when i'm stressed
JUDwhaEE: then i'll screeam
JUDwhaEE: i'll be like
JUDwhaEE: "jahndee, be SAD!!"
Kpxgrlx012: awwww
JUDwhaEE: just kiddin
JUDwhaEE: hahaha
Kpxgrlx012: hahaha
Kpxgrlx012: dont wory
Kpxgrlx012: when i look at my reader
Kpxgrlx012: ill be sad
JUDwhaEE: uh oh
JUDwhaEE: now don't be too sad
JUDwhaEE: or stressed
Kpxgrlx012: cuz that package isnt pretty
JUDwhaEE: b/c then you'll release somethin else...
JUDwhaEE: hahahah
JUDwhaEE: you'll release a different kind of
JUDwhaEE: OMG OMG OMG OMG
JUDwhaEE: OMGi'm so stresesd OM OM OMG
JUDwhaEE: hehee
Kpxgrlx012: ahahahaha
JUDwhaEE: hahahah
Kpxgrlx012: do you see all these tpyos??
Kpxgrlx012: its cuz im so frekain excited ight now
Kpxgrlx012: ahahahahahah
JUDwhaEE: yes, u freak!
JUDwhaEE: hahahhaha
JUDwhaEE: uh oh
JUDwhaEE: i'm just gettin u more worked up!
JUDwhaEE: oh no1!!!!
JUDwhaEE: it's gonna unleash here!
Kpxgrlx012: hahahaahhahaha
Kpxgrlx012: im not hte one who gets psychotic when it gets late
Kpxgrlx012: *ahemm*
JUDwhaEE: hahahahha
JUDwhaEE: i gotta go now to pick up the stuff
JUDwhaEE: u have a good 1.5 hours to calm down
Kpxgrlx012: hahahhaa
JUDwhaEE: and internalizeyour happiness
Kpxgrlx012: coem back onlien
JUDwhaEE: byebye!
Kpxgrlx012: and tell me how yumym it is
JUDwhaEE: no!
JUDwhaEE: no more excitement
JUDwhaEE: be saD!
JUDwhaEE: byebyebye
JUDwhaEE: hehehe
Kpxgrlx012: byeeeeeeeeeeeee

What's the cause of all this craze and excitement? Barney's Guacamole Burger, Barney's California Burger, and Barney's Portabello.

It's a great feeling when you have a fat guy friend who knows you so well she knows the subtleties of your actions and can even recall the days of "the digestion dance." Hello Judy, my delicious Booty. (_I_)

Yesterday I learned how to play Monopoly for the first time in my life. Kwan, Sewon, and I played while Carroll, Kristy, and Karen watched and gave input. Everyone taught me how to play and I think everyone became frustrated at my inability to comprehend the object of the game. It was Disney Monopoly so I had fun looking at the pictures and reading the show time cards. I won the game too. When the game ended I had two monopolies, 3000ish dollars, and made Kwan go bankrupt. =]
This is what I learned from the game:
-Kwan has played the game so many times he's memorized the number of spaces on the board and what each space represents. He also knows all the rules of Monopoly... Karen and him had a couple of quibbles and he won all of them.
-Monopoly isn't as fun as people say it is. I don't like how there's all this competition just to get one monopoly thing.
-I don't know what the word "mortgage" means.

Andy Chon was very nice today at church. Nice meaning that there were less glares of repulsion and less wisecracks about my stupidity. He even shared his orange with Sewon and me. I asked him why he was in such a good mood and he said it was cuz of the weather.

I get happy knowing that something as simple as nice weather can be a source for happiness for someone. For me, it's like seeing the nursery kids' faces light up when they see their parents coming to pick them up. Or watching Hyo-bum enjoy eating his ham sandwich at lunch so much. Or having jalepenos to go with our sandwiches. Or checking to see if boys wear black socks with black dress shoes and finding that they do.

This is yet another example of how much I suck at cooking:

For small group today Josei and I volunteered to bring snacks. For some particular reason that I can't understand, I decided to be ambitious and bake cupcakes instead of buying the typical goodies for everyone. However, I was over zealous in my attempts cuz I ended up burning the cupcakes. How sad. =[ Only I would be so incompetent as to burn the bottoms of cupcakes.

I was driving today and I realized that I tend to set myself up for disappointment. I'm not trying to elicit pity or anything, it's just something I realize that I do to myself.

I had a good lunch today with Linda at Smart Alec's A+. So good in fact, we were both late to our 2:00 classes. =T I like Linda. I find that I can relate a lot to the way she thinks and perceives. We were both reminded today of the need to always be careful about what we say around people. Especially around people we aren't intimate with. I can't wait for our Blue Nile date where I can pretend to be Sabrina. Hehe.

I read this on Andy Chon's blog:

"i learned that jaime, sarah, tommy, eric, and grace are really really fun people."

And I got very happy. That comment totally made my day. =D

The junior/senior BART extravaganza was today. I think it went okay, except the last part at Unit 3. Everyone was very tired, including myself. I lost ability to think rationally after a while. But it was really fun watching the groups work together to come up with the correct answers and to hear them verbalize their thought processes. Eugene Shin is really smart and I was curious to see how he would solve the clues. When I heard him think out loud to his group, and heard how his thought process was similar to what we had planned, I got really happy. And I was seriously amazed that Roy was the only person out of 30 people to find the PWK clue. =P

Even though it took some time and work, I thank God for allowing such a good and rewarding experience like this to happen. Everything fell apart a few hours before the game, but it all came together again at the last minute and everything worked out. =] It was only through Him that we were able to pull this off and I'm so happy that we were able to. I just hope that people got to be better acquainted with those they aren't that familiar with, or that people were able to strengthen already existing relationships.

...

sno bunny nk: it's really encouraging to see all u guys working so hard
sno bunny nk: so that we could bond for one nigth
Kpxgrlx012: do you thin people bonded?
Kpxgrlx012: i really hope so
sno bunny nk: yeah
sno bunny nk: i got to know billy kim better
sno bunny nk: i definitely talk3ed to esther th emost today
sno bunny nk: than our past 2.5 yrs combined
sno bunny nk: it was good

Prayers ARE answered. =D Wow.

Happy 21st Birthday Roy Chung!! =D

I first knew Roy Chung as "boy52," this random male who was perpetually online on my freshman year ex-roomie's buddy list. Haha. I thought that was the stupidest name ever. She also told me the history of her relationship to this mysterious Roy fellow. Wow. I can't even begin to describe what I thought "boy52" Roy was like and how those initial thoughts completely changed after meeting the real Roy. I must admit however, I like the real Roy better. Except the fact that "boy52" Roy was manlier and wasn't quite as pale and pretty as the real Roy is...

Thanks for your friendship Roy Chung. I hope you have the greatest day today. =]

There's been many things to pray for these days... Suzy and Andy, Jeniffer and Linda, the junior/senior fellowship, good friends and bad friends, classes, and my family.

Just got back to Berkeley a little while ago. Even though I was only gone a little over a day, I was still sad that I had to return back to Berkeley.

Thank you Roy for driving the whole time both to and from Berkeley.

The really ugly side of people comes out during long drives. Ugly Roy lies to his umma twice, tailgates and twice highbeams an old man with white hair, and takes one bite of his criss-cut fry, puts it down, takes a bite of another fry, puts that down, picks the original fry back up again, takes one bite, and then goes back to the second fry.

Roy had to stop by Simi Valley on the drive up to purchase his Taylor 414ce guitar. It is officially christened as "Berry" cuz there's a nice little story behind it. Anyways, I don't even know anything about guitars and I know it's really nice. I touched the curvy part and it was really soft and smooth. It's made of this special wood and it (I quote Roy): "has the best sound out of all the different Taylor 414 ce's that I've played." YAY. I'm very happy for you Roy. Congrats again on your second love. =]

Happy 21st Birthday Nancy Kim!!

I first knew Nancy Kim as "tHaGiRaFFe" from those mass emails we all used to do in high school. I later had the privilege of meeting her up here in Berkeley when she approached me one Friday after FICB at Ghetto Durant. She wanted to know if I was me and when I said that I was, she was like oh, ok and then smiled at me. I honestly was a bit freaked out cuz she was this random tall chick who said she knew me, but then she explained that she went to Cerritos HS with Danny and that he told her to talk to me cuz I was nice. So she took the initiative and did just that. I'm glad she had enough balls to do so cuz now I have the honor of being good friends with the wonderful and beautiful Nancy Kim. May lots of love and blessings be with you today. =D

I just came back from meeting with Suzy, Linda, and Jeniffer. It was good that we could all get together and talk. But I'm very worried about Suzy. She feels a tremendous amount of guilt for putting Andy through a lot of crap and I think she's trying to compensate for those feelings by feeling obligated to prepare all the funeral arrangements herself. She hasn't been sleeping well and hasn't been eating. She's currently under 90 lbs. I pray that God will soon appease all her fears and anxieties. There's so much she's going through right now, so much sadness and pain she's feeling. I also pray that I will be the best possible friend to her throughout this time. I was only able to sleep half an hour the previous night and right when I got home I had to drive to Rowland and then to Glendale to meet up with Suzy. I was physically exhausted when I finally got to talk to her, but I pray I didn't make it evident to them. I feel that we just all have to stay strong together and be there for each other as much as possible.

How do you make the pain go away? How do you make the fear go away?

Andy: It sucks how I found out the way I did. I have so many great memories of you. I know you're at a better place now up above and I am sorry that you had to leave all of us so soon. Help us to understand why God took you away now and not later. And watch over Suzy, okay? Thanks for all the good times and laughs, Andy. I'll cherish them until we meet again.

Suzy: My dearest Suzy, I know that you're hurting a lot and you must be very confused and angry right now. I just pray that you know Andy is in a better place and is watching you from up above. He'll be able to protect you from up there just as he was able to when he was with us. Suzy, I know you're so scared right now, but I pray that you keep holding onto your faith and trust that He will get you through this. It honestly doesn't make sense right now, but it eventually will. Stay strong and don't lose faith. I love you, and you're in my prayers.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27.

I finally have some time to myself. It's been a long day, probably cuz I was so tired. But anyways, the junior bbq was really fun. There was so much meat I felt queasy. Today I discovered that:
1. I don't know how to peel potatoes properly so that chunks of potato fly all over the place and hit Kwansoo. This shows how horrible a cook I am.
2. My hands are so sensitive that when I was rinsing the raw ribs in water, I got some nasty scratches on my hands and wrists where the rib bones cut me. This again shows how horrid of a cook I am cuz I have no experience whatsoever using my hands to prepare food.

A list of the fun times that I remember:
-Watching Roy wander aimlessly around by himself. Cuz Roy had no friends that would play with him, he ended up playing by himself by throwing pieces of grass and twigs into the air and watching them fall back down.
-Watching Esther eat her rib bones clean and then watching her teach Kristy and Billy her method to do the same.
-Finally getting to eat Nancy's famous ribs
-Hearing Kwan respond to "Isn't it ironic?" with "Don't you think?"
-Seeing the ducks and geese
-Walking around enjoying the beautiful scenery and the weather
-Everyone thinking that there was a duck with two heads in the water. Everyone trying to figure how that could be. Roy finally enlightening everyone by saying that there were two different birds on one rock, with their backs facing each other and their heads looking in opposite directions.

I immediately went to Nancy's place afterwards so that I could get my stuff and we could discuss how much fun we had. After a while though, I decided I needed to take a nap to rejuvenate myself before work at 6:30. I went to sleep at 5:55 and told Nancy to wake me up at 6:05 exactly. At 6:00 I woke up to Nancy's hysterical laughter. I thought I started farting or snoring in my sleep. Instead I open my eyes to see her cackling at her computer screen. And then, in between gasps of air, she proceeds to tell me that she's laughing at ME. I was really sad when I saw that picture. I look absolutely ugly and repulsive. =[

I have not studied one bit this entire weekend. But I have had a lot of fun. =]

Wurzhaberg: so first you go to "costoc" and now you're "awat"
Auto response from Kpxgrlx012: awat.
Wurzhaberg: clearly, i'm a loser for checking your away message a bajillion times
Wurzhaberg: but still.... awat??

Hello Hannah Whang. *waving an enthusiastic hello* =D

Crazy day today at church. I was up until 5am playing literati, a new game that Kristy introduced me to. Then at church, Josei and I laughed a lot at Rev Ryan's message. He was saying a lot of random nonsensical stuff. At nursery, I discovered that Heidi knows another word... fish. She kept pointing at the pictures of fish and the goldfish and saying something that sounded like "fwhish." Hehe. Then Heidi's mom gave me a Christmas gift even though it's already February. It's a handmade star-shaped ornament with a picture of Heidi on her first birthday. =D Anyways, after nursery, this random man told me that I had a flat tire. I didn't believe him at first cuz I refuse to allow such things like that happen to me. But yeah, it really was flat so TKD Andy had to come and change it since no one in my car knew how to. After I dropped everyone off, I went straight to Costco with my sister and Nancy cuz Nancy had to buy more meat for the bbq tomorrow. The wait for the tire change took about two hours so we decided to be ghetto funk and wander up and down the same aisles like 5 times getting LOTS of free samples. Then we felt guilty so we bought a pre-made chinese chicken salad kit and a bag of lettuce and made our own salad while sitting in the farthest corner of the concession food area.

Afterwards, I went bowling with the freshies. It was Josei, Jenny, Kristy, Kwansoo, Roy, Lori, Amanda, Abe, Danny, and Fred. I had a LOT of fun even though the freshies rocked us both games. haha. =] Then we went to In n Out and Fred told us about how he likes to cry and how he always tends to cry in "Pyun Gi" with Choi Jin Sil. Then we started speaking in Korean and started making fun of Roy and Danny for their minimal knowledge and pathetic attempts to speak our native language. Then we continued our fun night at Kristy's and watched Jacob's Ladder. That is one mind stimulating psychologically scary movie. I psyched myself out cuz I was trying so hard to follow along with the thought process that whenever something sudden would happen, I jumped or twitched or shrieked. Btw, Kwan and Fred are quite the movie buffs.

Oh, and the people in my car had a good conversation about Korean songs and groups. We discussed the old groups and how crazy good their songs still are. I remember having a similar conversation with Andy and Nancy on the way home from our boarding trip. Dang. Fred and I have some good taste in Korean music. We both know which songs are the og classics that are a must sing at every nrb opportunity. What a great feeling. =D

After the movie, the Roy, Kwan, Kristy, and I went to Safeway so that they could buy side dishes/desserts for the bbq tomorrow. I'm excited. I think it'll be a lot of fun. But now I must sleep to wake up in a few hours to help Nancy cook the obscene amount of meat we bought. hehehe. I can't wait. =]

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lindurella: HAHAHAHAH!
Auto response from Kpxgrlx012: boweling =D
lindurella: u crack me up..
lindurella: boweling sounds like you're having bowel movements
lindurella: aka POOPING!
lindurella: AHAHAHA!

=/

Wow... the rain is so nice right now. =D

I've been going through some rampant mood swings. This past weekend though was good so I feel like I've been able to overcome all the crap that I was feeling before.

I ate Baja Fresh with Nancy, Kwan, Billy, and Andy and then went to prayer meeting. It was the first one I went to this school year, so I was a bit unfamiliar with the process. There was some time where we prayed for ourselves, and I prayed earnestly to God to give me peace of mind and heart so that I could better focus on Him. I've been very bogged down these days by stupid nonsensical things so I asked for His forgiveness and that Pastor Eugene's message would really convict me. And then Pastor Eugene spoke about Job and all the madness he went through. What I've been feeling is nothing compared to the intensity of loss in Job's life and yet I denounce God all the more easily. It doesn't make sense.

Later I watched The Shining with Nancy. It was scary and for most of the movie I was either hiding behind a pillow or pushing myself closer and closer to Nancy. I was really impressed with one thing that Stanley Kubrick did though. There's this shot of the little boy riding his tricycle and it's taken from his perspective so we see his back. The crazy thing is the sound of the tricycle as he rides around on hardwood floors and rugs. The alternating sounds between the muffled softness of the rug and then the harsh loudness of the floor totally made the scene more suspenseful and it freaked me out. After the movie we talked until 7am. This is one of the reasons why I like Nancy Kim so much. I like finding myself being able to be honest with her as to what sort of person I am. She thinks I am very pessimistic about certain things and that is very true. She is very perceptive and I like that cuz I can really open up to her and she understands me for me. It was a really good talk. Thanks Nancy. =D

I'm very excited about the bbq on Monday. Nancy and I went to Costco earlier and bought 6 steaks and 9 racks of ribs. I've never seen so much meat before. =] Then we had pho for lunch, which was dang yummy cuz I haven't had it for so long. Hehe. Then we went to Ranch 99 where we looked at all the body parts of a pig that were being sold including the fetus, the ears, the feet, the brain, and some sex organ that I forgot the name of. Was it gonads? testicles? Something gross like that.

Afterwards I went to the North Korea meeting at Carroll's place. I'm so glad I went cuz initially I was very tempted to not go at all. I've lost focus of what and why I'm still participating in the organization. John Chong showed us a video giving background information on what Dr. Park was doing in North Korea. It reminded me of why I was doing this, that God has ultimately called us to help those being persecuted and undergoing suffering. Although what I do may not be much, I earnestly pray that my heart will be in the right place and I can better serve NK Missions in a way that is to my fullest capability.

I've done a lot of talking these past days... thus resulting in a lot of thinking and re-evaluating of myself. I don't think about stuff like that often. And I especially tend to not vocalize my thoughts.

... I think I'm all talked out.